I think he's going to propose and I'm panicking

[BiscuitStealer]

Hi all - sorry this might be a bit all over the place, just needed to vent and maybe get a bit of perspective 😩

Bit of backstory - I’ve known my partner since we were about 12, we grew up in the same area and sort of floated in and out of each others lives and finally got together properly about 2 and a half years ago. I’m 30 in September and he’s already said he’s planning something for my birthday and now I’m spiralling thinking he’s going to propose?? And now I’m not sure what I’d say and that’s making me feel like an awful person.

He’s honestly such a lovely partner. Sweet, kind, funny, thoughtful. Like he’ll do the little things without being asked, always making me a cuppa before I even know I want one. He’s been amazing with my DS (7), they’ve known each other since DS was a baby and he’s just always been there. School runs, bedtime stories, days out to the farm or Legoland, the works. DS has started calling him “dad” sometimes and it melts me honestly, like switches between that and his name, and my partner never makes a thing of it just goes with whatever DS is comfortable with.

So yeah he’s great.

He’s also bisexual which is totally fine with me, it’s just a part of him and he’s always been upfront. Thing is - he’s had more relationships with men and definitely more sexual experience with men. Like I know for a fact he’s had more boyfriends than girlfriends and he’s even said he feels more confident sexually with men.

Which brings me to the bit I’m panicking about 😬

We had a bit of a pregnancy scare last month (false alarm thank god) and it just made me think like… what if we do end up married, maybe more kids, but the sex is just… not it? He’s just not very good in bed 😞 and I feel so shallow for even saying it. He’s not selfish or anything like that, just… he seems awkward? Like overly gentle, too hesitant, almost like he’s not really into it? Doesn’t take charge at all and I don’t want to be the only one initiating everything forever. I’ve tried to be open and encourage him but he sort of clams up or acts like he’s worried he’ll do something wrong. I’m his longest relationship with a woman so maybe he just doesn’t feel fully at ease??

To be blunt it always feels like we’re doing it by numbers. He’ll do the whole foreplay thing but it feels like he’s going through a checklist. Touch here, kiss there, ok now sex. No real build up or passion. He doesn’t seem to get properly turned on unless I’m directing everything and even then it can feel like he’s holding back. Like he’s trying so hard to do things “right” that he’s not actually into it. I don’t know if that makes sense.

It’s like there’s a wall I can’t get past with him. I’ve tried asking what he likes or what turns him on and he always says “I like whatever you like” which is sweet but it’s also not an answer. I want to feel like he wants me.

And I hate saying it because he is such a good man and treats me better than anyone I’ve been with, but I’ve honestly had better sex in much worse relationships. Like the sort of men I wouldn’t trust with my handbag let alone my kid, but at least in bed there was actual passion. Actual fire.

And now this birthday trip is looming and he’s being so sweet and excited about it and I feel like a total cow because I’ve got this voice in my head going “what if he proposes and I freeze and say no.”

The reason I think he might is he’s been weirdly nervous about the birthday plans. Like normally he just lets me pick what I want to do or we plan something together. This time he’s booked something in advance, says it’s a surprise, keeps checking I’ve got the weekend off work. I caught him looking at rings on his laptop a couple weeks back when I walked in the room and he slammed it shut and went all red. So yeah. I think it’s coming.

And I don’t want to hurt him or ruin what we have but also I can’t ignore this knot in my stomach.

I don’t even know what I’m asking here really. I love him and he loves me and DS and on paper it’s all great but something is niggling and I can’t tell if it’s fear or instinct.

Sorry this is long and rambly. Just needed to let it out.

A good sex therapist seems the clear next step here. It sounds like an ideal relationship in other respects so totally worth trying this if he will agree.

He's a gay man that wants a family.

This! If he truly makes you happy in e very other way then surely you need to try to work through the sex stuff and see if it can improve.

Apart from anything else, if you bring this up it might postpone the proposal.

This.

You’re just not that into him.

I’m all for honesty and getting the truth out. Have it out with him - I love you but I’m worried you’re going to propose to me on my birthday and I’m not ready for that. I’m concerned we’re not sexually compatible, that you’re naturally a submissive, and I want a man who can take the lead.

FWIW I don’t buy that this is simply inexperience with women. I dated a virgin once, who’d only ever held hands with a girl before (Egyptian guy), I was worried the sex would be awkward but in fact it was passionate and amazing first time.

Realistically, if a man is bisexual, he almost certainly will be having sex with men and women through his experimental years. What it sounds like you’re saying is, all his sexual relationships from teens to 30 have been with men, except these past couple years with you (and he doesn’t seem that into it). Sorry, I would consider that gay, but experimenting a bit with women, or really mostly just with you.

That big red flag aside, your gut is trying to tell you something. I don’t think anyone should get engaged without a big conversation about marriage and life plans. It shouldn’t be a surprise. I think you need to sit him down and have a proper conversation about what he wants and what you want.

You might even consider some pre-marital counselling. You don’t have to be engaged to do that. Dh and I did counselling as a requirement of our officiant marrying us (her standard practice with every couple). It was fantastic. It really got us to lay out of values and our life goals together and make decisions about big things like sex, finances, children, how and where we’d live. I think you need to pull this relationship apart a bit and better understand what you’re both getting out of it and if it’s truly going to be what you want forever. I think you need to talk to someone about all of this before you can wholeheartedly and completely make a decision.

Apart from a lack of confidence does he seem genuinely into the sex you are having or do you think he's having sex to please you rather than because he desires sex with you?

You don't sound sexually compatible and I don't think that it's possible to manufacture a spark.

From everything you’ve said, you’ve described him as a really great partner. I think the only way you can make a decision on this is to ask yourself, if the sex is going to be like this forever (let’s say it is), is it something you can live with and accept or will this over rule all his good points and will you end up having to leave him for this in the future?
If yes, then don’t waste these years with him now, because you will eventually leave him anyway.
If the answer is no you wouldn’t ever leave him over the sex issue, then I’d probably accept his proposal because you’re never going to leave him anyway so you might as well commit to each other.
I feel like if he was gay like others have said, a proposal probably isn’t something he would be thinking of, he would just carry on the way you are without committing to that level? I could be wrong obviously but would a gay man want to marry a woman when the woman isn’t pushing for that?
My first thought was that I could never be with somebody attracted to men and I’d be worried he would be tempted to stray with a man but on the flip side, isn’t that the same for heterosexual couples. They could also stray with another woman they were attracted to?
All this being said, I’m a huge believer of going with your gut. If it’s telling you he’s not right then he isn’t right. Don’t try and ignore what it’s telling you. Assuming nothing changes in that department, do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life? The answer to that should be the decider xx

I think it sounds like he’s actually gay and just going through the motions with you.

If he's ultra particular about his type of woman, you realise you aren't going to be able to age or change or put on weight right?

He is clearly gay. He wants the social reassurance of a straight marriage

I think you need to split up now OP.

Yep, and. He’s getting one ready made.

Which is not to say that he is acting in bad faith, or scheming, or attempting to get a ‘beard’. He is either the world’s best actor, or he really loves and esteems OP and her child ; my bet is the latter.

But….women are not his sexual preference , it doesn’t sound as if he is ‘really’ bisexual as he has zero previous experience with women. It’s more as if he is prepared to go through the motions because he wants the rest of the relationship.

It could all be fine, unless he meets the man of his dreams.

If sex is this awkward before you are even engaged, it will get much worse when you are married. He will make the effort for a while if he wants children but after that it will likely peter out and you will likely end up in a sexless marriage in your 30s.

Your gut is telling you this is not the man for you but you are trying to ignore it. He may be the loveliest man in the world but you are both trying to fit a square peg into a round hole (so to speak) - the 'fit' is off. He may adore you but it really sounds like sex with a woman is not his natural inclination.

I don't think the issue is whether the OP will leave him or not. I think it far more likely he will eventually leave her for a man.

That’s offensive

Why don't you have a where is this relationship going type conversion with him, tbh you should probably let him go. You're just not that into him

OP, would you consider an open marriage? He could get his sex with men (very important to be transparent and super rigorous with protection/ testing etc). And you could get some hot sex on the side? It sounds like you have so much that is good in the relationship, but the possibility that your lives would be richer with some consensual, ethical, non- monogamy.

And mine

esp the sex bit

I’d address it up front, way before it gets to your birthday, but in a how do you feel about marriage, I don’t want to at this stage , a general thing, but let him know, that it isn’t on the cards, and thus ensuring he doesn’t propose, as it would be awful to accept when you don’t wish to or are not sure, that’s future faking and not ok. But you should now both be openly discussing the future and your views, including marriage, kids etc anyway, but this particular issue is very easy to resolve, just have the conversation in a general way, and ensure he knows that marriage is not on the cards right now for you, to be honest, he does sound like he is way more into men than women, and I’d personally be concerned about that and his ability to not get with other men in the future,

but I don’t think I could marry someone and ignore this part of things.

That’s something I would be weighing up at this point even if there was no chance a proposal might be made. I don’t think I would reconcile myself to having meh sex forever. I’d be gutted to have to lose such a great partner, but if you don’t feel like the best of house mates now you probably will soon. I think I’d have to give myself the chance of finding someone who I would enjoy sex with.

To avoid the immediate problem of him proposing, maybe say, “I know this is cheeky but if your surprise is jewellery, I’d really prefer something else.”

I agree with @GrumpyInsomniac . I think you need to have an awkward conversation. I have a feeling he is holding back in the bedroom because women are such delicate flowers.

He sounds like a lovely guy and you sound like you love him so I think you owe it to both of you to talk.

This is tricky because he sounds great in so many ways but I’m with those posters who think that, if more or less all his previous sexual experience is with men, then he is very much at the gay end of the bisexual spectrum. Also, what you say suggests this: he finds men generally attractive but is only very selectively attracted to women. I asked my husband and he agreed.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and isn’t in love with you. But I think it probably does increase the risk of him leaving in the future because he feels a need for sex with a man. A poster upthread mentioned Mary Austen - Freddie Mercury loved her deeply but needed male sexual partners; Gareth Edwards (the rugby player) loved his wife very much but again needed male sexual partners.

Many moons ago, I read about a husband and wife couple who had fallen in love even though the man was essentially gay. They had an open relationship - their deal was that the husband was permitted to have same sex encounters provided he described them to her afterwards because she got off on that. It worked well for them (or at least it was working well for them at the time) but I think that’s a very specific arrangement which wouldn’t suit many couples.

Sorry you’re in this position, OP. It’s a tough one.

Yep, definitely gay at his heart (or other organs 😆) but wants a family. Doesn't sound like he's being maliciously duplicitous about it and sounds like he genuinely cares about you and your son but it would explain the lack of passion... You can fake it till you make it with everything but what turns you on 🤷‍♀️

Rubbish. He is a 7 year old boy with a man so heavily involved in his life he is calling him dad, but op is panicking over the possibility of a proposal because the man is not into her sexually. Or women in general. He is only attracted to very particular women, meaning huge pressure on op if she does stay and a lack of sex completely when anything does change, which wont be his fault as he told her only one very specific type does it for him.

this os not a relationship that will last without someone having multiple affairs.

of course she has to protect her son.