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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being the booty call has ruined my mental health

104 replies

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 15:22

Hi all,

I really need some help and advice as I am honestly at my wits end every single day these days. And believe me, I know this is not normal behaviour hence I am asking for help. I seem to have formed some sort of anxious attachment that I can’t let go off.

long story short, I briefly dated a guy two and a half years ago. Very quickly he decided he didn’t want a relationship with me and after having a bit of fun we went our separate ways. Over the course of a year or so he would occasionally hit me up for some casual fun and because I had feelings for him I never said no. Then I didn’t have any contact with him for well over a year. I just assumed he had lost interest totally and probably found someone else to have fun with. Anyway, then out of the blue I recently heard from him and saw him for fun twice in a 4 week period. Most recent being 6 weeks ago. I asked him outright if he had dated much since me and he said not really, nothing more than chatting and things and maybe meeting up for coffee. He said dating wasn’t ’all it’s cracked up to be’ which I thought was a strange comment.

Anyway, I am literally obsessed with him and because we are still Facebook friends I obsess over his online activity and can always tell when he is dating someone because his activity is much higher than usual and I have even seen him out and about once or twice with a girl for coffee as we live around the corner from each other.

what I seem to really struggle with and constantly beat myself up over is how he will reach out to me for casual fun, and then literally weeks later he is out on dates with other people? That honestly tears me up inside because all I can think he is that he obviously doesn’t think I am good enough to date. And I know you will say it’s because he doesn’t respect me for making myself so available to him but he had decided this about me at the start, before we ever even had fun. I compare myself to the people he dates and constantly question what he sees in them over me. He hasn’t yet had a relationship since we dayed 2 and a half years ago but I don’t know how to move forward and accept that I will only ever be a booty call to him in between him dating other women.

OP posts:
SpikyCelia · 31/07/2025 15:30

Even if you think he doesn't respect you, you can learn to respect yourself. Block him, on everything. FB, phone, email etc. then take a step back, be kind to yourself , look at your life and behaviour, and see if you can spot why you are prepared to accept this kind of treatment from him. Educate yourself, learn to like and love yourself, and strengthen your boundaries.

ComfortFoodCafe · 31/07/2025 15:32

He sees you as a friend with benefits, nothing more. You need to stop seeing him & block him, you are borderlining stalking him.

PixiePuffBall · 31/07/2025 15:35

This is not complicated at all. He is using you as a toilet to relieve himself when it suits, basically. Get some self-respect for goodness sake.

(I say that as someone who has been there when I was much younger and want to go back in time and slap sense into myself.)

PixiePuffBall · 31/07/2025 15:35

ComfortFoodCafe · 31/07/2025 15:32

He sees you as a friend with benefits, nothing more. You need to stop seeing him & block him, you are borderlining stalking him.

And yes. Why are you stalking this guy? You can be sure he isn't thinking about you.

Painrelief · 31/07/2025 15:37

He doesn’t seem capable of having a relationship he probably has issues so he’s probably doing you a favour by not leading you on . If casual isn’t what you want then you need to walk away . Block him and maybe get a bit of therapy to discuss what’s lead you to accept this if it’s not what you wanted .
Look after yourself and what you need coz no one else will .

housemaus · 31/07/2025 15:42

I think FWBs can be just that and nothing more - some people have good chemistry but wouldn't be suited to a relationship. I've done it, it's great - and by this I mean it's not that every man who does this actually a horrible bastard.

But that only works as long as both of you are on the same page, which you clearly aren't: he thinks this is a casual thing that suits you both to just be whenever you fancy, and you're secretly pining and monitoring his social media for signs of a relationship with someone else, which is mental.

Stop doing it to yourself. He's been very up front about what the situation is here - he's not pretended to have feelings he doesn't have for you, it's clear what he's offering. If it doesn't work for you, which it clearly doesn't, then stop doing it.

Bittenonce · 31/07/2025 16:10

housemaus · 31/07/2025 15:42

I think FWBs can be just that and nothing more - some people have good chemistry but wouldn't be suited to a relationship. I've done it, it's great - and by this I mean it's not that every man who does this actually a horrible bastard.

But that only works as long as both of you are on the same page, which you clearly aren't: he thinks this is a casual thing that suits you both to just be whenever you fancy, and you're secretly pining and monitoring his social media for signs of a relationship with someone else, which is mental.

Stop doing it to yourself. He's been very up front about what the situation is here - he's not pretended to have feelings he doesn't have for you, it's clear what he's offering. If it doesn't work for you, which it clearly doesn't, then stop doing it.

This. You’re not on the same page. You’re not going to be in a relationship - you being ‘sex on tap’ is making you feel shit - so it’s got to be ‘nothing at all’. No contact, no FB friends, block and move on.

Tatty247 · 31/07/2025 16:19

You like him way too much for a FWB situation to ever work OP. You need to stop seeing him and block him on everything.

He's not that interested in you OP and that's ok because he's just one in a million! It's no reflection of you or on you. That's a really important lesson to learn - don't let anyone take away your self esteem.

MascaraGirl · 31/07/2025 16:21

You’re not on the same page. You’re not going to be in a relationship - you being ‘sex on tap’ is making you feel shit - so it’s got to be ‘nothing at all’. No contact, no FB friends, block and move on.

This

Original poster
SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:23

This is what I struggle with mentally though. Is the constant thoughts of why am I not good enough to be more than just a FWB to him? What do these other women have that I don’t? I beat myself up breaking my own heart that he’ll have his hands and mouth over my body and then literally weeks later he is sitting on actual dates with other girls.

OP posts:
PrettyThings347 · 31/07/2025 16:27

Block him. Other men are available.

Fuckitydoodah · 31/07/2025 16:29

You need to stop being his booty call. Block his number and delete it from your contacts. Delete him off Facebook, etc.

He's using you. He's never going to treat you any better. Until you do the above, you will not be able to move on and find someone who loves you back.

Trust me. I've been there.

Disturbia81 · 31/07/2025 16:32

He literally just wants to empty his balls and you are an easy option. I don’t mean you are “easy”

That’s the cold truth. Women he is dating might not want sex with him so he comes to you

He knows you feel the way you do, it’ll be obvious to him.

You need to stop all contact and keep him blocked as hard as that will feel. But you won’t be able to move on otherwise.

NoCowardSoul · 31/07/2025 16:32

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:23

This is what I struggle with mentally though. Is the constant thoughts of why am I not good enough to be more than just a FWB to him? What do these other women have that I don’t? I beat myself up breaking my own heart that he’ll have his hands and mouth over my body and then literally weeks later he is sitting on actual dates with other girls.

Respectfully, OP, this is on you. You’re not being coerced. You know perfectly well that having NSA sex with someone you have unreciprocated feelings for is a terrible idea. You need to go cold turkey, as if it were any other bad habit.

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 31/07/2025 16:33

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:23

This is what I struggle with mentally though. Is the constant thoughts of why am I not good enough to be more than just a FWB to him? What do these other women have that I don’t? I beat myself up breaking my own heart that he’ll have his hands and mouth over my body and then literally weeks later he is sitting on actual dates with other girls.

OP, those women don't have anything you don't have, that is why he gets back to you from time to time.

He may well get back to them.

He doesn't have any interest in a real relationship with anyone, including you.

It would be best for you if you treat yourself with more respect and let him go completely.

He isn't going to change, he isn't ever going to think he should stay in a relationship with you, he will never be what you want him to be.

You need to look for someone else, someone who wants the same things you do and that is not this man.

Original poster
SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:34

But he must want a real relationship otherwise why would he be dating women?

OP posts:
RaspberryIce · 31/07/2025 16:35

I did this when I was young. I had feelings but pretended I didn't and was happy with the arrangement to continue seeing him after he ended it. I accepted crumbs in other words.
Luckily I then met my late dh. I still had feelings for the other guy at first, but then fell for my late dh who treated me really well and was i happy with him for years. Maybe meeting someone else is the only thing to stop your feelings for the booty call guy.

MayaPinion · 31/07/2025 16:35

OP, I say this with kindness, but you are his sperm receptacle, nothing more. He almost certainly was in a relationship for a year (he might still be in one but he’s not getting laid as much as he’d like). He probably has another 2 or 3 girls like you he keeps on a long leash for when he gets bored. You keep putting him first when you should be putting yourself first. The only way to get over him is to go cold turkey and block him on everything and then go and do something that gives your life real meaning. He’s plugging a hole (literally and metaphorically) that you could be using to do something worthwhile for yourself.

It’s not that you’re not good enough to date, it’s just that you’re not the right one for him, and you never will be. If he wanted to go official he’d have done it by now - and he’s not a FWB. Friends don’t treat friends this way.

Disturbia81 · 31/07/2025 16:36

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:34

But he must want a real relationship otherwise why would he be dating women?

He’ll be wanting more fwb options

Helpmeplease2025 · 31/07/2025 16:37

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:34

But he must want a real relationship otherwise why would he be dating women?

You were his FWB, that’s not what he wants to date.

Block him, grey rock, move on.

AgnesX · 31/07/2025 16:38

I think you need to work on your self esteem a bit. This guy is a user and not worth having.

You leave yourself open to this because he calls and you come running. If you weren't so keen he'd find someone else. It's really not you it's him, it's no more complicated than that.

Block him on every platform and bit it tech you have him on and run a mile if you come across him.

Cannedlaughter · 31/07/2025 16:38

This Is going to sound blunt, he is treating you this way as you are allowing him too, you are giving out the signals that you will oblige with what he wants and you oblige. The women in the coffee shops are not giving those signals and not saying yes to his requests. i have no doubt that if one of them is willing to sleep with him, he would be right on it !
from what you have said it sounds like he doesn’t continue dating them as they are not giving him sex. He doesn’t want a relationship, just shags and you say yes.
Channel them, be more like them, see that you are worth more than a shag and block him. He’s not ok, and never will be. It’s amazing how they can twist your thoughts and wear away your self worth. Old saying, it’s really not you, it’s him !

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 31/07/2025 16:40

He doesn't want a relationship with you.

He just wants to have sex then get back on with his life.

He is not emotionally attached to you, he just likes to sometimes have sex with you because you make it easy.

Tartanboots · 31/07/2025 16:40

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:23

This is what I struggle with mentally though. Is the constant thoughts of why am I not good enough to be more than just a FWB to him? What do these other women have that I don’t? I beat myself up breaking my own heart that he’ll have his hands and mouth over my body and then literally weeks later he is sitting on actual dates with other girls.

He won't change so you need to. Say no, repeat, ignore, block.
Is he on dates with the others only until he sleeps with them? Loses interest in them after that and comes to you while he lines up the next one? He sounds very shallow.

Original poster
SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:40

I should also add, the last time I saw this guy we sat in his kitchen for an hour before having ‘fun’ whilst he smoked one spliff after the other. I really never thought I would find myself with such low standards. Does this make him a bad catch?

OP posts: