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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being the booty call has ruined my mental health

104 replies

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 15:22

Hi all,

I really need some help and advice as I am honestly at my wits end every single day these days. And believe me, I know this is not normal behaviour hence I am asking for help. I seem to have formed some sort of anxious attachment that I can’t let go off.

long story short, I briefly dated a guy two and a half years ago. Very quickly he decided he didn’t want a relationship with me and after having a bit of fun we went our separate ways. Over the course of a year or so he would occasionally hit me up for some casual fun and because I had feelings for him I never said no. Then I didn’t have any contact with him for well over a year. I just assumed he had lost interest totally and probably found someone else to have fun with. Anyway, then out of the blue I recently heard from him and saw him for fun twice in a 4 week period. Most recent being 6 weeks ago. I asked him outright if he had dated much since me and he said not really, nothing more than chatting and things and maybe meeting up for coffee. He said dating wasn’t ’all it’s cracked up to be’ which I thought was a strange comment.

Anyway, I am literally obsessed with him and because we are still Facebook friends I obsess over his online activity and can always tell when he is dating someone because his activity is much higher than usual and I have even seen him out and about once or twice with a girl for coffee as we live around the corner from each other.

what I seem to really struggle with and constantly beat myself up over is how he will reach out to me for casual fun, and then literally weeks later he is out on dates with other people? That honestly tears me up inside because all I can think he is that he obviously doesn’t think I am good enough to date. And I know you will say it’s because he doesn’t respect me for making myself so available to him but he had decided this about me at the start, before we ever even had fun. I compare myself to the people he dates and constantly question what he sees in them over me. He hasn’t yet had a relationship since we dayed 2 and a half years ago but I don’t know how to move forward and accept that I will only ever be a booty call to him in between him dating other women.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/07/2025 18:42

Fastingandhungry · 31/07/2025 17:37

what is your dating history @SolBrillo?

This is from 2023. Several threads about this man. All the same.

Being the booty call has ruined my mental health
TwistedWonder · 31/07/2025 18:44

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/07/2025 18:42

This is from 2023. Several threads about this man. All the same.

Show quote history

Yep. Pages and pages of the same advice over and over again that she’s taken absolutely no notice of.

You can lead a horse to water as they say…..

NotrialNodeal · 31/07/2025 18:46

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:34

But he must want a real relationship otherwise why would he be dating women?

Why is this so difficult to understand. Yes he wants a relationship or even to find other booty calls. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He has told you this and he's consistently demonstrated it. Why is this not Sinking in? He doesn't want a relationship with you and you simply need to accept that.

NotrialNodeal · 31/07/2025 18:47

Just seen you've been posting about this before OP. I feel a mixture of second hand embarrassment for you with some pity too.

MascaraGirl · 31/07/2025 18:47

Stop sleeping with him. Block him. Stop torturing yourself. It's akin to mental self harm what you're doing to yourself every time you sleep with him.

This. And to coin a phrase: you’ll never fill your pockets with gold if you keep them crammed with brass

ETA if you block him tonight, tomorrow will be the first day of your recovery

BabyCatFace · 31/07/2025 18:48

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:34

But he must want a real relationship otherwise why would he be dating women?

He's just not that into you. There's nothing wrong with you and they aren't better than you but he doesn't feel it. You need to stop shagging him!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/07/2025 19:00

TwistedWonder · 31/07/2025 18:44

Yep. Pages and pages of the same advice over and over again that she’s taken absolutely no notice of.

You can lead a horse to water as they say…..

Show quote history

Nobody’s perfect. I’m late 50’s and have made so many mistakes.
I just feel sad that there are some fantastic young women out there who hitch their whole worth to a proper idiot.
The man here is not far off 40, lives with his parents, and that’s pretty much it. I actually think anyone with self worth would back off knowing that.
And the whole FWB thing just doesn’t seem to work at times. People get hurt.
Back in the day, if somebody treated you like dirt you had to go cold turkey. Unless you actually followed them, you were forced to get on with it. The worse that could happen is that you would see him in the pub, and turn the other way.
Now, with technology, young women like our OP here are breaking their own hearts literally watching every move these men make, and it’s so unhealthy. And the men know they cause pain and do not care.
Time in your 20’s is so precious. It should be enjoyed and embraced not wasted on men like these.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/07/2025 19:02

@SolBrillo You are absolutely addicted to him. You get a high everytime he turns up.

At the same time, I can see from some of the things you say, that you don't even like him.. ( the chain smoking spliff for eg.) It would be a good idea for you to write a pros and cons list of what he actually brings to your life (or takes away from it)
List of all the negative things you think of him.
Starting with 32 and never had a real relationship. He says.

He is constantly unavailable and you think, if only I use the right form of words, or if I was a little bit more attractive he will realise and start to like me and then spend more time with me. But all you get is constant rejection. Picked up. Dropped. Picked Up. Dropped.

How many actual evenings or even hours have you spent in his company since you met.. Add it up.. You'll find it is remarkably little time.. Whats he doing the rest of the time? Has he ever met your friends? Introduced you to his friends.

Good Points. What does he bring to your life? Is he exceptionally good looking? A great conversationalist? Talented? Popular? Kind (NO!)?
Are these things really worth the hours and hours of agony you are going through?

Then list.. what would your dream relationship be like. What qualities would you like in a partner? How's he measuring up now?
Imagine what your life will be like if you continue to go down this road.. what about if this carries on for two years, for five years.. Do you really want to live like this. All the time you are with him, you are missing out on forming relationships with someone decent.

You are going round and round in circles, repeating behaviour that just results in you getting hurt over and over.. and only you can put a stop to it.

You need to go Cold Turkey OP.. and you probably need to get therapy to help you do this. Dump. Block. Forget.

crazyssnakes · 31/07/2025 19:03

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:34

But he must want a real relationship otherwise why would he be dating women?

Because he likes women and sex. He's not looking for a relationship. You are very easy no effort sex when he is in the mood for that or a date won't put out or makes noises about commitment.

Come on, OP. Stop trying to look for complicated explanations. There's nothing deep going on here, he's just a serial shagger.

He's not that in to you.

However much you feel for him right now, and however much it hurts, I promise you that you will not feel this way forever. One day you will look back and wonder what you were thinking.

The biggest favour you could do yourself right now is to decide that you are not going to have sex with him again. That ship has sailed. If you can afford it, maybe see if you can find a decent therapist to help you work through the feelings and how you've ended up in this position.

MascaraGirl · 31/07/2025 19:05

And the whole FWB thing just doesn’t seem to work at times. People get hurt.

Definitely. I’m sure there are some women it works for, but the whole ‘no strings attached’ thing seems to suit men far better.

CallMeFlo · 31/07/2025 19:13

Ive got a FWB. Hes a good friend, im obviously attracted to him, the sex is amazing

Do i want a relationship with him? Absolutely not. And that's no reflection on him. Hes a lovely guy, very thoughtful but relationship wise were so incompatible. He'd drive me nuts and id probably do the same. It doesn't make either of us bad people.

Thankfully it just means were both on the same page which is why its worked so long

But as soon as one of you have a change of feelings or see it as something its not it'll never work.

Hes made it clear it's a fwb set up with you. You either accept that or in your case id stop it and the on line stalking

smallsilvercloud · 31/07/2025 19:15

I’d also say stop comparing yourself to other women he’s dating, it’s well known that some men will string along women for a few dates before sleeping with them, then be all non committal about being in a relationship, exactly what he’s done to you, he’s done to them, they aren’t better or have some secret you don’t, it’s him, no serious relationship at his age tells you that.
take it in your power to not allow these types to use you.

treesandsun · 31/07/2025 19:19

You'll drive yourself mad trying to work out what he thinks and probably never be any further along. You can't do anything about what he does you can only do something about what you do. Looking at what it's doing online feeds insanity You'll have to unfriend him and block him unblocking on everything. if he reaches out to ask you then you need to say a friend with benefits situation isn't working for me and so I need to stop seeing you. Fom his point he might think that you're happy with the situation if you haven't said anything different. Then do literally anything you can to distract yourself from him clean your house, exercise, get a hobby, write, meditate.. Do anything so that you're not looking at him and thinking about him. If he gets back in touch again you have to say no this is not what I want because it isn't .Some of the responses on here are really rude and unhelpful ..I know it's hard when you like someone but you know the saying about keep doing the same thing and hoping for a different result is the route to insanity.

DiggingHoles · 31/07/2025 22:09

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:23

This is what I struggle with mentally though. Is the constant thoughts of why am I not good enough to be more than just a FWB to him? What do these other women have that I don’t? I beat myself up breaking my own heart that he’ll have his hands and mouth over my body and then literally weeks later he is sitting on actual dates with other girls.

It's not about you not being good enough for him. It's about him not being good enough for you. He just wants to play around and probably doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Do you want such a selfish prick in your life taking advantage of your feelings for him? You deserve better.

MuckFusk · 31/07/2025 23:28

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/07/2025 18:42

This is from 2023. Several threads about this man. All the same.

Show quote history

Right then. Either a wind up or somebody who repeatedly asks for advice she has no intention of taking.

PixiePuffBall · 01/08/2025 07:33

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:23

This is what I struggle with mentally though. Is the constant thoughts of why am I not good enough to be more than just a FWB to him? What do these other women have that I don’t? I beat myself up breaking my own heart that he’ll have his hands and mouth over my body and then literally weeks later he is sitting on actual dates with other girls.

Tough love incoming... get over it! There is no great mystery here and going over and over it in your head is really unhealthy.

Something I always recommend to get over someone. Pick a task you've been putting off that is labour intensive and will take ages (2 weeks+) and go get on with it. By the time you've finished, you will feel much better

PixiePuffBall · 01/08/2025 07:36

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/07/2025 18:42

This is from 2023. Several threads about this man. All the same.

Show quote history

Omg imagine wasting all your beautiful years on this?? Jesus wept

bluecurtains14 · 01/08/2025 08:15

If you want a relationship then get a bit of self-respect and stop sleeping with him til he commits to you. Why would he commit if you give away sex for nothing?

Crucible · 01/08/2025 08:25

Here is an extract from.a famous article that explains very bluntly what is happening with you;

'Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.'

Please please block him. On everything. Good luck.

Crucible · 01/08/2025 08:28

No idea why some of the copy paste got lined out.

MascaraGirl · 01/08/2025 08:31

Crucible · 01/08/2025 08:25

Here is an extract from.a famous article that explains very bluntly what is happening with you;

'Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.'

Please please block him. On everything. Good luck.

I love this advice!!!!

Tintackedsea · 01/08/2025 08:38

He sounds utterly tedious and dull. A spliff smoking commitment-phobe who shags about town? I don’t think the issue is “he’s not that into you” but more why are you seeking approval from a really boring man? Why would you want him?

Bufftailed · 01/08/2025 08:39

Get rid of him OP. Totally and utterly rid. Whatever it takes.

Mintpie · 01/08/2025 08:42

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:23

This is what I struggle with mentally though. Is the constant thoughts of why am I not good enough to be more than just a FWB to him? What do these other women have that I don’t? I beat myself up breaking my own heart that he’ll have his hands and mouth over my body and then literally weeks later he is sitting on actual dates with other girls.

He isn’t really getting into serious relationships with these other women though. Going on dates with them just means he is open to what comes from that and it sounds like nothing is. He might just be looking for more sex. What is clear is that he sees you as nothing more than an easy shag when he fancies one which doesn’t sound often.

You need to raise your standards, boundaries and self esteem.

Crucible · 01/08/2025 08:45

MascaraGirl · 01/08/2025 08:31

I love this advice!!!!

Show quote history

It's from Tracey McMillans Huffpost article.'Why you're not married'

It's a brutal piece that went viral and the author wrote a book expanding on it.