Being the booty call has ruined my mental health

[SolBrillo]

Hi all,

I really need some help and advice as I am honestly at my wits end every single day these days. And believe me, I know this is not normal behaviour hence I am asking for help. I seem to have formed some sort of anxious attachment that I can’t let go off.

long story short, I briefly dated a guy two and a half years ago. Very quickly he decided he didn’t want a relationship with me and after having a bit of fun we went our separate ways. Over the course of a year or so he would occasionally hit me up for some casual fun and because I had feelings for him I never said no. Then I didn’t have any contact with him for well over a year. I just assumed he had lost interest totally and probably found someone else to have fun with. Anyway, then out of the blue I recently heard from him and saw him for fun twice in a 4 week period. Most recent being 6 weeks ago. I asked him outright if he had dated much since me and he said not really, nothing more than chatting and things and maybe meeting up for coffee. He said dating wasn’t ’all it’s cracked up to be’ which I thought was a strange comment.

Anyway, I am literally obsessed with him and because we are still Facebook friends I obsess over his online activity and can always tell when he is dating someone because his activity is much higher than usual and I have even seen him out and about once or twice with a girl for coffee as we live around the corner from each other.

what I seem to really struggle with and constantly beat myself up over is how he will reach out to me for casual fun, and then literally weeks later he is out on dates with other people? That honestly tears me up inside because all I can think he is that he obviously doesn’t think I am good enough to date. And I know you will say it’s because he doesn’t respect me for making myself so available to him but he had decided this about me at the start, before we ever even had fun. I compare myself to the people he dates and constantly question what he sees in them over me. He hasn’t yet had a relationship since we dayed 2 and a half years ago but I don’t know how to move forward and accept that I will only ever be a booty call to him in between him dating other women.

He's just not that into you. Plenty more fish in the sea.

What's so special about him that you are desperate for him to want you? Do you want to be with a man who uses women like this? He fancies you enough to have sex, but from his behaviour probably isn't looking for a relationship generally. Going for casual coffees with other women isn't the same as looking for a serious relationship.

You're clearly someone who has a lot of love to give, so find someone worth giving it to. Block him and go cold turkey. Meet someone new who deserves what you have to give, don't fall into this cycle again, and move on.

Kindly, there are loads of people out there who wouldn't want to date you (or me for that matter). This is not a reflection on your worth as a person. He finds you attractive enough to have sex with but he doesn't want a relationship with you. It's as simple as that I am afraid and you need to come to terms with it. I suggest you stop seeing him. It's hard to 'get over' someone when you are still having sex with them.

Yes, but he’s a bad catch without the weed habit. Do yourself a favour, delete the chat, remove him as a contact, block him and delete any calls to/from him. Then you don’t have his number and he can’t call you. Problem solved. Next!

He does want a relationship, but not with you.

ETA - or, he doesn't want a relationship and he's looking for other casual sexual encounters. It really doesn't matter. The bit that matters is that you want to be in a relationship with him and he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

Please, somebody help OP and point her where she can go to learn more self worth, self respect. It’s too painful seeing someone tearing themselves up while being a doormat. @SolBrillo only you can stop this, the first step is to block and delete, but without a change of mindset you’re going to be back again, if not with him then someone else.

Hang on, this guy has problems with relationships. It isn’t specific to you. This is about him.
Some people find it very hard to commit to a relationship and for it to go any distance. You could be the most beautiful, funniest, smartest woman in the world and it doesn’t change the fact he has issues and would find it hard to commit.
Your attachment is probably based on not wanting to be rejected, and to feel worthy. Rather than this actual man as a person. I’m sure he’s really not all that amazing.
FWB is ok, if it’s fun and you’re not more upset than you are happy. You either need to reposition him in your mind - or block and move on.

OP you are not taking on board what anyone is saying.
It is very obvious that he doesn't want to date you, doesn't want to have a relationship with you but will use you for as long as you are willing to stoop that low.
Get a grip and try and get some self worth.

He doesn’t want it with you. That’s all that should concern you.

But he dated you at the start too. They are just more women he has tried to date but for whatever reason can’t sustain a relationship with. For all you know, he sees some of them as FWB now also.

Hang on, this guy has problems with relationships.

Does he? I am not sure we have any reason to think that.

Darling, you are breaking your own heart here. He doesn't want anything more - you are convenient (I don't mean to sound cruel) - I have been there. You're a diversion and a leisure activity - which if you are cool with being then go have at it. But that's not the case is it? A clean and determined break is what you need. He won't magically change and be the man for you. Chin up.

He’s 34 and never actually had a relationship.

He's a bad catch for you because you want a relationship and he doesn't. Maybe he's dating other women because he wants 'fun' with other people. Maybe he's looking for a life partner. It doesn't matter because he has told you what he wants from you and it's making you feel rubbish. The only way to make yourself feel better is to stop stalking him, delete and block every way of contacting him and move on.

He is probably lying to you. He has told you he doesn't want a relationship, because he doesn't want one with you. That isn't a reflection on you or your personality, he just doesn't want to date you. But, when he isn't dating anyone else, he knows you'll be there to have sex with. He doesn't sound like much of a catch, so I'm sure once you've got out of this headspace you'll be glad that it didn't go on for any longer.
Only you can put a stop to this. As PPs have said, block him, unfriend him on all social media, and if you want a relationship, make yourself available for someone who actually wants to be with you.

Just block him on everything. Job done.

He is only interested in casual fun. You want a relationship. You aren’t compatible. So end it.

I can write the script here.
He’ll carry on doing FWB wherever he can until he’s 45 and then go on OLD saying he’s open to being a Dad.
Honestly, raise your bar.

It’s your strong physical attraction to him that makes it hard to resist, but how you’ve described him, he’s not a good catch, he doesn’t want a relationship, he just enjoys the chase of a few dates and sex with various women, imagine that is most likely shagging others too, does that not make him less appealing?
time to put standards over attraction, there’s plenty more out there that have more to offer and you will fancy but only when you give this one up.

Then why are you wasting your time with him and letting him use your body when it's making you miserable?

OP I think you have posted about this man before and you were told then the same as now, but you have continued to get involved with him over and over again.
He has been using you for sex. At some point you have gone back to him knowing this.
He is no catch at all, he’s basically mooching about getting sex where he can. He’s not exactly flying women to Paris is he? Even if he buys one a coffee it’s hardly a date?
Please go and get some help with your mental health because you can spend another couple of years posting about this man but it won’t change anything.
So what if he thinks anything about you? Good enough or not good enough?
You have to be good enough for yourself, which means blocking him, building your own life, raising your standards so you don’t lower yourself to his again.
You sound far too vulnerable for ‘fun’ you need some good friends, good times and to build your own opinion of yourself.

I’m so sorry op, he just wants sex and not to have to pay for it via a prositute. He has not lied to you, he’s been very clear he doesn’t with a relationship with you. He is willing to have sex with you when he feels the need, as well it’s available and the easy option. He is as you know dating other women. He isn’t going to change his mind about you, I’m sorry that’s hard to read, but he won’t, I think you need to stop providing him with sex when he gets the urge, let him pay a prostitute for it. And then focus on your self esteem and dignity recovery. You will get over him and move on, but not if you keep demeaning yourself by offering sex on tap to a man who isn’t interested in you romantically when that’s what you want from him. Fwb is fine when both parties are on the same page, but this is not that situation.

You don't need to know why! You just need to accept for whatever reason he doesn't want a relationship beyond some very casual sex. If he sat you down and listed all the things you 'lacked' or that he didn't like what exactly would you then do? You can't change how he sees you. The only thing you can do is get a grip, for your own sake.

I am literally obsessed with him

can you not see how unhealthy this is? It would be even if he was ‘the one’, which he clearly isn’t.

Never, ever make someone the entire focus of your life. You’ll end up destroying your self worth if you do, and without that you’ll never be able to have healthy relationships or a satisfying life.

Please get some therapy to get out of this self-defeating spiral.

I'm sorry for you. Stop this. You aren't unpaid prostitute. Grow up. List all the checks a man must have for proper relationship with you and if noone appears, at least you haven't been used

Block him on everything.

You know you deserve better.
he’s the horrible party here so don’t beat yourself up. Your intent was genuine. He’s a deadbeat and I urge you to do better.

what is your dating history @SolBrillo?