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Original poster

Being the booty call has ruined my mental health

104 replies

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 15:22

Hi all,

I really need some help and advice as I am honestly at my wits end every single day these days. And believe me, I know this is not normal behaviour hence I am asking for help. I seem to have formed some sort of anxious attachment that I can’t let go off.

long story short, I briefly dated a guy two and a half years ago. Very quickly he decided he didn’t want a relationship with me and after having a bit of fun we went our separate ways. Over the course of a year or so he would occasionally hit me up for some casual fun and because I had feelings for him I never said no. Then I didn’t have any contact with him for well over a year. I just assumed he had lost interest totally and probably found someone else to have fun with. Anyway, then out of the blue I recently heard from him and saw him for fun twice in a 4 week period. Most recent being 6 weeks ago. I asked him outright if he had dated much since me and he said not really, nothing more than chatting and things and maybe meeting up for coffee. He said dating wasn’t ’all it’s cracked up to be’ which I thought was a strange comment.

Anyway, I am literally obsessed with him and because we are still Facebook friends I obsess over his online activity and can always tell when he is dating someone because his activity is much higher than usual and I have even seen him out and about once or twice with a girl for coffee as we live around the corner from each other.

what I seem to really struggle with and constantly beat myself up over is how he will reach out to me for casual fun, and then literally weeks later he is out on dates with other people? That honestly tears me up inside because all I can think he is that he obviously doesn’t think I am good enough to date. And I know you will say it’s because he doesn’t respect me for making myself so available to him but he had decided this about me at the start, before we ever even had fun. I compare myself to the people he dates and constantly question what he sees in them over me. He hasn’t yet had a relationship since we dayed 2 and a half years ago but I don’t know how to move forward and accept that I will only ever be a booty call to him in between him dating other women.

OP posts:
Yelleryeller · 31/07/2025 17:39

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:23

This is what I struggle with mentally though. Is the constant thoughts of why am I not good enough to be more than just a FWB to him? What do these other women have that I don’t? I beat myself up breaking my own heart that he’ll have his hands and mouth over my body and then literally weeks later he is sitting on actual dates with other girls.

It's not that you're not good enough to date it's that he has you in the comfortable on call category and doesn't want to lose that by dating you.
He's not successfully dating by any standard so you're not missing out on anything here and he's very much not qualified to judge you as good or not good enough for anything.
You need to start realising that he isn't good enough for you to be this upset over him..if you ended up dating him you'd get to see more of his flaws and you'd probably be more heartbroken. You're hung up on him because you haven't had a chance to see all the shit things about him these women are seeing that.mean they don't want to carry on seeing him . Always worth remembering that a crush is just a lack of information!

Lafufufu · 31/07/2025 17:41

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:23

This is what I struggle with mentally though. Is the constant thoughts of why am I not good enough to be more than just a FWB to him? What do these other women have that I don’t? I beat myself up breaking my own heart that he’ll have his hands and mouth over my body and then literally weeks later he is sitting on actual dates with other girls.

"Not good enough" is a thought process you need to bin off

Look at the evidence....

Some men treat even the most amazing and incredible women in the world contempibly

Gwent Stefani!
Rihanna!
Liz hurley!

These are cool fun women who dated men that treated them like shit poorly.
Its not reflection on them and not because they are lacking or "not enough". Its 💯 about those men who themselves "weren't good enough"

Rolosaregoo · 31/07/2025 17:42

That honestly tears me up inside because all I can think he is that he obviously doesn’t think I am good enough to date. And I know you will say it’s because he doesn’t respect me for making myself so available to him but he had decided this about me at the start, before we ever even had fun

You are right, you guys having fun isn’t necessarily the reason why he doesn’t want to date BUT the fact still remains that he doesn’t want to have a relationship with you. And that’s ok.

Everyone will have their preferences. Sometimes I’ve not wanted men who have wanted to be in a relationship with me and vice versa.

It sucks but you have to move on.

I was dating a guy for a couple of months and he told me he wasn’t sure if he wanted us to be bf/gf. I said ok that’s fine, the man who is for me wouldn’t be still figuring this out so bye - I’m out.

I walked away and didn’t really look back!

Some men like having access to as many women as possible and he was no exception. He would occasionally text me sometimes sending mixed signals, but I eventually started ignored him until he got the message There’s nothing left to say and I’d only have hurt myself if I’d accepted a FWB situation.

The point is you’ve got to accept when someone doesn’t like you and make a clean break.

MoominMai · 31/07/2025 17:43

what I seem to really struggle with and constantly beat myself up over is how he will reach out to me for casual fun, and then literally weeks later he is out on dates with other people? That honestly tears me up inside because all I can think he is that he obviously doesn’t think I am good enough to date.

@SolBrillo with all due respect OP, you’re really over complicating this yourself. This man has made it v clear that he doesn’t want a relationship just hook ups. You like him so much that you accepted this. So those are your standards. If you think your mental health is at risk then seek therapy and stop seeing him. I’m not sure what the issue is? Everyone looking to get in a relationship will at some point have been rejected by another and as adults we understand they just didn’t fancy us enough and we move on with our lives! I’m concerned how you’d be if you did have a proper relationship and it broke up if you struggle this hard to handle a FWB relationship. Please seek therapy.

GoldDuster · 31/07/2025 17:44

This isn't a case of you being not good enough for him. This is a case of you feeling that he isn't choosing you, and then becoming obsessed with why, instead of asking yourself why you're obsessing over a 34 year old who chain smokes spliffs in your kitchen before he gives you a quick one and then disappears again. Men like him are ten a penny.

Your self esteeem is what you need to focus on. Not who he's dating or why. Block him, on every possible front and then spend the time working out what you want, and if he is actually all you're cracking him up to be. Spoiler, he is not.

outerspacepotato · 31/07/2025 17:45

This is a you problem.

He doesn't want a relationship with you. You give him easy access for sex. That's all it is on his side. You want more, but that's not going to happen.

You may as well block him now.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 31/07/2025 17:47

OP he isn't dating them because he's looking to marry them and thinks they might be the one. Each time is just a new possible conquest.

He doesn't date you like these girls because to be blunt, he doesn't need to. You are readily available.

He doesn't want a proper serious monogamous relationship with anyone. He wants the thrill of the hunt for new skirt AND a friend with benefits or two.

It's not a reflection on you really, he's just incapable of giving you or anyone what you are wanting.

Stop sleeping with him. Block him. Stop torturing yourself. It's akin to mental self harm what you're doing to yourself every time you sleep with him.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 31/07/2025 17:53

@SolBrillo you shouldnt make yourself so available to him!! just say no. why would you want to be with anyone who treats you like this???

ShallIstart · 31/07/2025 17:56

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:34

But he must want a real relationship otherwise why would he be dating women?

For casual non commital fun. He likes the play,chase, sex, attantion but has no plans to commit.
One day someone may come along that changes his mind but he hasnt met her yet.
Please just move on from this guy. He will never be yours, he has no plans to ever be and if you want more from him it will never happen.

Yelleryeller · 31/07/2025 17:56

GoldDuster · 31/07/2025 17:44

This isn't a case of you being not good enough for him. This is a case of you feeling that he isn't choosing you, and then becoming obsessed with why, instead of asking yourself why you're obsessing over a 34 year old who chain smokes spliffs in your kitchen before he gives you a quick one and then disappears again. Men like him are ten a penny.

Your self esteeem is what you need to focus on. Not who he's dating or why. Block him, on every possible front and then spend the time working out what you want, and if he is actually all you're cracking him up to be. Spoiler, he is not.

Edited

This👆🏻 It's not about him choosing or liking you, he's just a placeholder for you feeling generally un-choosable or not good enough and not because it's true but because you've internalised that somewhere.
Sorry you're going through this OP.

livelovelough24 · 31/07/2025 17:56

OP, not sure what you want from this thread. It is perfectly clear what is going on here. You know what he does and does not want, and you know what you do and do not want. There is nothing else that we as a collective can add to it.

Tortielady · 31/07/2025 17:58

You know that song, I Can't Make You Love Me? That's where you are now @SolBrillo That's the bad news. The good news is that you have a choice, you can take yourself out of this fellow's pool of dates, booty-calls, FWB and what have you, because you owe him nothing. You're seeing him around with other women (plural) because he's not ready to commit to anyone in particular. Which is fine, that's up to him. But none of those women (including you) have to participate in Musical Booty. Defriend, block and lose his number - then find more fulfilling things to do with your time than trying to fathom out the motivations of someone who isn't at least as interested in you as you are in him.

redriding1976 · 31/07/2025 18:02

He uses you when he is bored or needs an attention boost! Or a shag! Or he's pissed or on weed! He won't change his mind. You can have as much " fun" with him and be the best sex he's ever had but he won't change his mind. Guys like this love to pop up again. I knew a guy like this - blocked him to stop him having access to me. He was still messaging long after I ended it with him. Do it and delete his number.

Sodthesystem · 31/07/2025 18:11

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:23

This is what I struggle with mentally though. Is the constant thoughts of why am I not good enough to be more than just a FWB to him? What do these other women have that I don’t? I beat myself up breaking my own heart that he’ll have his hands and mouth over my body and then literally weeks later he is sitting on actual dates with other girls.

What other women? You said he said he hadn't seen other women.

It's nothing to do with being good enough or not. He doesn't want a relationship right now.

Can you imagine if the roles were reversed? Just because you fancy someone doesn't mean you want a relationship. Let alone with them.

Build a bridge and get over it.

Illegally18 · 31/07/2025 18:17

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:23

This is what I struggle with mentally though. Is the constant thoughts of why am I not good enough to be more than just a FWB to him? What do these other women have that I don’t? I beat myself up breaking my own heart that he’ll have his hands and mouth over my body and then literally weeks later he is sitting on actual dates with other girls.

I understand that you feel like that, but if it;s not meant to be, then it's not meant to be.

Walk away with your head high.

A man who treats you like that is not worth knowing.

What have these women have that you don't? You don't know. Fuck him

TwistedWonder · 31/07/2025 18:24

You’ve started numerous threads about this man over the last couple of years and not taken a single wits anyone told you onboard.

I posted the below in your previous thread - you don’t seem to want to see what’s clear as day. So either accept you’re a convenience shag or block him - there’s no middle ground

OP I just read your previous threads on this man and there’s nothing to add that you haven’t been told time and time again.
He doesn’t give a shit about you. He used you for sex when he had nothing else on offer and he’s testing the waters to see if you’re still available for a shag when he fancies it.
There’s nothing g deep and meaningful so stop giving him headspace and move on

MaryBerrysFannyHammock · 31/07/2025 18:26

@SolBrillo listen to new rules by dua lipa x

RaspberryIce · 31/07/2025 18:26

Lafufufu · 31/07/2025 17:41

"Not good enough" is a thought process you need to bin off

Look at the evidence....

Some men treat even the most amazing and incredible women in the world contempibly

Gwent Stefani!
Rihanna!
Liz hurley!

These are cool fun women who dated men that treated them like shit poorly.
Its not reflection on them and not because they are lacking or "not enough". Its 💯 about those men who themselves "weren't good enough"

Show quote history

Yes that's true. Also Jennifer Aniston and Emma Thompson

Clarabella77 · 31/07/2025 18:26

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:23

This is what I struggle with mentally though. Is the constant thoughts of why am I not good enough to be more than just a FWB to him? What do these other women have that I don’t? I beat myself up breaking my own heart that he’ll have his hands and mouth over my body and then literally weeks later he is sitting on actual dates with other girls.

But if he is going on dates with multiple girls, they are likely not to be "good enough" for him either. He is likely binning them all off after a few days. The problem is him not you.

Cut yourself off from him. This is not healthy for YOU. I know because I have done the same thing. Work on your self esteem because you are needing men - in particular this man - to validate you. That is a cycle that is only going to lead to chasing the wrong type of attention. The unavailable sort. Learn to get your validation from within then you will be ready for the right man for you.

Illegally18 · 31/07/2025 18:27

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:34

But he must want a real relationship otherwise why would he be dating women?

does it matter? Who cares!

Radioundermypillow · 31/07/2025 18:27

SpikyCelia · 31/07/2025 15:30

Even if you think he doesn't respect you, you can learn to respect yourself. Block him, on everything. FB, phone, email etc. then take a step back, be kind to yourself , look at your life and behaviour, and see if you can spot why you are prepared to accept this kind of treatment from him. Educate yourself, learn to like and love yourself, and strengthen your boundaries.

Great post.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 31/07/2025 18:27

To borrow a phrase - he's just not that into you. Its a him thing, not a you thing. But what is a you thing is keeping allowing this - why are you hankering after someone who treats you so poorly? You need to read up on improving your self esteem.

Spaglasagneaise · 31/07/2025 18:31

Iv been in similar OP,
Recently, i had to block him. But 5 years of it, i decided enough was enough.

its not easy, but if its making you feel miserable, its really important not to continue with someone like this.

he will prevent you from trusting or meeting anybody else. Its clear what his intentions are.

i hope you find the strength to remove him from your life, youl thank your lucky stars down the line

Anonentity · 31/07/2025 18:33

You have to stop this. It’s hurting you.
Block him. Delete him. Unfollow him. A complete clean out.

TwistedWonder · 31/07/2025 18:33

SolBrillo · 31/07/2025 16:34

But he must want a real relationship otherwise why would he be dating women?

He’s after more shags - he comes back to you when there’s no others offers on the table

Sadly the thing these women probably have that you don’t is self respect and boundaries. They don’t jump into bed when he and Oz his fingers but he knows you will do he’ll always go back to you whenever he feels horny and there’s nothing else available.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you really need to wake up and smell the coffee. You’re just his fallback girl - nothing g more.