My mum threatens to not help out with the baby and refuses to come to baby's first birthday party

[anjelaRC]

I just wanted to share my situation to either get some different perspectives or advice, or to hear other people's experiences as I'm feeling very down and confused. So long story short, I went back to work full time recently and my parents have agreed to come help out with my baby who's around 11 months old as we all agreed that it's better to send her to nursery when she's older. My parents live quite far away so I'm extremely grateful that they're willing to help. They're retired and said there's nothing they'd like to do more than help look after their granddaughter. They've been helping out for a couple weeks and everything has been going really well, my baby loves playing with them.

So two days ago I couldn't find the cap to my baby's water bottle. I got really frustrated looking for it and thought maybe my mum lost it when she was out with the baby, but she insisted that she didn't and that she brought it home but she wouldn’t help me look for it. I got angry at her and accused her for loosing it. I know that was wrong of me, but I felt overwhelmed and stressed in general, now that I’m working full time again (even though I wish I could spend every second with my baby). I’m also extremely sleep deprived because my baby was never a good sleeper and I’m lucky if I get to bed before 1am.

Later that day felt bad for getting angry at her and called her and apologised. I thought everything was ok between us. But then she texted me that night saying she's no longer going to go to my baby's first birthday party which I was planning for for months, and it's in a few days time now. The next morning I asked her why, and she said because 1) she didn't want me to embarrass her, 2) she didn't want to go to my in law's house (my in laws kindly agreed to host the birthday), 3) she doesn't like hanging out with many people (my in laws have quite a big family) and 4) apparently she doesn't feel like we have actually invited her.

But I was planning her birthday for months and she even helped me decide on what cake to make and I showed her the birthday decorations I got and everything, not once did she say she was not coming. Only after the "cap" incident, that evening she decided she wasn't coming. She said she didn't think it's a big deal, she jus doesn't want to come. But I feel really hurt by it and she knows it because I told her. I feel like she’s not coming to deliberately hurt me, to punish me for getting angry at her. She also told me off for wanting to host something "big" for my baby, and said why am I inviting so many people for a baby who won’t even know what’s going on. It’s not exactly my decision who to invite, since my in-laws are hosting it but it will only be close family and friends.

In addition she started saying things like, "I look forward to the day when your daughter treats you the way you treat me" and saying to my daughter "well isn't you mummy stupid, she's so annoying isn't she". She also said she regrets raising me and that she's disappointed in how "we" (not just "me" but "we", so implying my husband and I) treated her since she got here but wouldn't tell me what we did wrong. She also said she doesn't want to help out with the baby anymore. She's still helping out for now, so maybe she’s just saying that to threaten and hurt me rather than actually stop her help, but it really makes me feel dejected.

I've had my ups and downs with my relationship with my mum in the past but we always worked through them and at one point I felt like she was my best friend. When she’s happy and I’m “behaving”, she’s the best mum in the world. But when something happens that angers her she turns to threats, name calling and emotional abuse. I also remembered when I was 6 or 7, she blamed me for something that another adult did that angered her.

Is it naïve of me to think that I could rely on her for childcare? I know I’m at fault too, but I feel hurt that she would threaten to not care for her grandchild or to not go to her birthday just to punish me. I feel so down and don’t know how to feel happy and enjoy my daughter’s first birthday, which is in three days time, with all of this tearing me down and what to even say to my in-laws when they ask why my parents aren’t coming. I could lie and say they’re not feeling well but every time I think about the situation I tear up and I don’t know if I can keep it together if they ask me. I don’t know what to do. Thanks for hearing me vent.

Your mum and you don’t have a good relationship
she sounds nasty
When you’re compliant and “good” she’s nice to you
I’d find alternative childcare as you’ll never be able to rely on her as you’d do something “wrong” and she’d not turn up
you, your DH and DD are now a family unit and is focus on that

You can’t rely on her for anything. Ever. Create an independent life for yourself, stick to it and never ask for help again.

She prefers the drama because it makes her feel good.

I think you've both been a bit dramatic, you were very rude to her and you need to properly apologise. She's hurt, but is also overreacting. How many days a week are they helping? It might be better to have a mix of nursery and grandparents.

Also, why are you always the one staying up? Your dh needs to help out equally so that you can get the rest you need to also work full time.

Your mum is cruel and nasty. She gets something out of hurting and humiliating you. Don't fall for her traps. Keep your distance and don't let her ruin your relationship with your own daughter, which is what she'll be aiming to.

Your mum is horrible. Why would you want your children around her? Find alternative childcare if you need it and drop the apron strings with her. Go low or no contact. It sounds long over due.

You need to find childcare ASAP, take that power back so she doesn’t have anything to hold over you and then with the breathing space that will give you have a real think about this relationship.

She sounds horrible. Frankly I would not trust her to care for my child. Telling your kid you are stupid? She's not going to parent the child in the way you want, she'll deliberately do the opposite of what you wish probably.

Just keep your distance from her. She's trying to manipulate you.

You and your partner will just need to find alternative childcare.

I think you and your mum are too intense. All of that you did/said for a cap of a bottle of water and all that she is doing/saying in retaliation is far too much.
I have no advice other than let it be and find childcare. She will cool down or not. Either way you will be better without that intensity.

Your mother is childlike and extremely unpleasant, I think I would try a gray rock approach.
Ultimately you need to get rid of her or she will poison your life.

saying to my daughter "well isn't you mummy stupid, she's so annoying isn't she".

This is a disgusting way to speak to a young child about anyone, never mind that child’s mother and your own daughter.

I’d cut her out for this alone. That’s not someone I would want having an influence on my child.

Your mum is still controlling and manipulative. Your own daughter will become part of this abuse, either as a victim, or a tool she can manipulate (as you've already seen from the poison words she whispers in her ear).

You can't rely on this woman for anything. You need to take a big step back, and insert some boundaries to protect your daughter from her bad behaviour.

You were dramatic, she was mean. Go and get proper childcare with a professional relationship and let your Granny be Granny.
You don't seem to have a strong enough relationship to make this work.

Show you mother respect and believe her when she says she hasn’t lost things. Problem solved!

Find alternative childcare with immediate effect. She is not a safe person to be around you or your child. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed in all the years since. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

You’ve made her out to be horrible in your op. But if that’s actually the case, she seems a strange choice for the childcare of your baby?

no one here knows if it’s you or her really.

so all you can do is pay for reliable childcare because it sounds like this arrangement will be one drama after the other, regardless of whether it’s your or her fault.

It’s very hard transitioning to working OTH, especially with such little sleep. Tbh I’m sure your mum is more tired than she admits as well.

I’d sit down and try to have a heart to heart with her. If that doesn’t work, I’d start looking for alternative childcare.

It doesn’t sound like a good relationship at all. She is definitely not behaving well at all, but it’s also a big ask for grandparents who live quite a distance to look after your baby full time, to then be accused of losing something/ snapping at her. I think you need to find alternative childcare arrangements.
and I agree with other posters, your DH needs to step up, why are you staying up every night?

Agree

start looking into childcare options to cover her days eg childminder/nursery

No you can’t rely on her for childcare. Find alternative childcare.

I’d sort out nursery asap and try to create some distance with your mum; this sounds like the perfect opportunity for her to hold something over you and make you feel bad and you need to take the power away from her for that. Try to remember as well if she misses your child’s birthday that’s her loss

Them living far away was never going to work with childcare

You need to find alternative child care for your baby as soon as possible. Your mum will continue to threaten to withdraw her help if you displease or upset her. Whether she means it or not, you need to take a step back and not rely on her to look after your child.

If she refuses to attend your baby's 1st birthday party, just tell her that's OK. She is trying (and succeeding) to upset you. Your baby won't care whether she is there or not and there will be plenty of other people making a fuss of her.

Two sides to every story and I wonder what your mum's is? Probably something like we give free childcare every week and my daughter is ungrateful and abusive when she thinks I have lost something. We can't do right for wrong and she has now decided to have our grandchild's first party with all her in-laws big family and their friends and we don't feel part of it. Am I being unreasonable to not go.

You’re too close and the relationships aren’t working. Get your child into nursery so your mum can be retired and in her own home and visit for short times. You also need to apologise, and also start sorting things yourself, your mum does childcare, your ILs do the party, honestly, just be parents and don’t over involve family it always gets difficult

Family childcare can feel like the ideal OP. But it can also strain relationships, especially if that relationship already has challenges. There can be issues with reliability, routine, giving instructions etc. You either need to have an incredibly close relationship where you can be honest about what you need, or you need to be super laidback!
paying for childcare will take so much pressure off you.
re the party. You need to reframe this. Your mum is the one missing out, not you and not your baby. You will have a room full of people who want to be there to celebrate, it’s her loss. Don’t pander, don’t beg for her to come. Just say that’s sad she doesn’t want to be there to celebrate but it’s her decision, and don’t mention it to her again.