My mum threatens to not help out with the baby and refuses to come to baby's first birthday party

[anjelaRC]

I just wanted to share my situation to either get some different perspectives or advice, or to hear other people's experiences as I'm feeling very down and confused. So long story short, I went back to work full time recently and my parents have agreed to come help out with my baby who's around 11 months old as we all agreed that it's better to send her to nursery when she's older. My parents live quite far away so I'm extremely grateful that they're willing to help. They're retired and said there's nothing they'd like to do more than help look after their granddaughter. They've been helping out for a couple weeks and everything has been going really well, my baby loves playing with them.

So two days ago I couldn't find the cap to my baby's water bottle. I got really frustrated looking for it and thought maybe my mum lost it when she was out with the baby, but she insisted that she didn't and that she brought it home but she wouldn’t help me look for it. I got angry at her and accused her for loosing it. I know that was wrong of me, but I felt overwhelmed and stressed in general, now that I’m working full time again (even though I wish I could spend every second with my baby). I’m also extremely sleep deprived because my baby was never a good sleeper and I’m lucky if I get to bed before 1am.

Later that day felt bad for getting angry at her and called her and apologised. I thought everything was ok between us. But then she texted me that night saying she's no longer going to go to my baby's first birthday party which I was planning for for months, and it's in a few days time now. The next morning I asked her why, and she said because 1) she didn't want me to embarrass her, 2) she didn't want to go to my in law's house (my in laws kindly agreed to host the birthday), 3) she doesn't like hanging out with many people (my in laws have quite a big family) and 4) apparently she doesn't feel like we have actually invited her.

But I was planning her birthday for months and she even helped me decide on what cake to make and I showed her the birthday decorations I got and everything, not once did she say she was not coming. Only after the "cap" incident, that evening she decided she wasn't coming. She said she didn't think it's a big deal, she jus doesn't want to come. But I feel really hurt by it and she knows it because I told her. I feel like she’s not coming to deliberately hurt me, to punish me for getting angry at her. She also told me off for wanting to host something "big" for my baby, and said why am I inviting so many people for a baby who won’t even know what’s going on. It’s not exactly my decision who to invite, since my in-laws are hosting it but it will only be close family and friends.

In addition she started saying things like, "I look forward to the day when your daughter treats you the way you treat me" and saying to my daughter "well isn't you mummy stupid, she's so annoying isn't she". She also said she regrets raising me and that she's disappointed in how "we" (not just "me" but "we", so implying my husband and I) treated her since she got here but wouldn't tell me what we did wrong. She also said she doesn't want to help out with the baby anymore. She's still helping out for now, so maybe she’s just saying that to threaten and hurt me rather than actually stop her help, but it really makes me feel dejected.

I've had my ups and downs with my relationship with my mum in the past but we always worked through them and at one point I felt like she was my best friend. When she’s happy and I’m “behaving”, she’s the best mum in the world. But when something happens that angers her she turns to threats, name calling and emotional abuse. I also remembered when I was 6 or 7, she blamed me for something that another adult did that angered her.

Is it naïve of me to think that I could rely on her for childcare? I know I’m at fault too, but I feel hurt that she would threaten to not care for her grandchild or to not go to her birthday just to punish me. I feel so down and don’t know how to feel happy and enjoy my daughter’s first birthday, which is in three days time, with all of this tearing me down and what to even say to my in-laws when they ask why my parents aren’t coming. I could lie and say they’re not feeling well but every time I think about the situation I tear up and I don’t know if I can keep it together if they ask me. I don’t know what to do. Thanks for hearing me vent.

Maybe she’s a bit jealous about your IL involvement with the party and doesn’t want to go to the party due to it being at their house with their family invited too . Some people can get right funny when their children settle down and have a family that they have to share with other people . And maybe she was always going to make an argument so she could get out of the party and being around your in laws ?

Otherwise she’s really cruel using a baby’s first birthday to score points so I think it’s jealousy ?

I think your mum will have a very different tale to tell. You behaved badly over the bottle cap and she has escalated it. Why have you been planning a birthday party for months and why are your ILs hosting? I could see why your mum might feel pushed out a bit. But you need to arrange proper childcare.

grit your teeth. Dont give her the drama she craves. Say “sorry you cannot make it to the party, see you Monday!”
and quietly find a local childminder.

CMs are great for small kids. We loved ours.

kids eventually went to nursery when they were 2yo but I would have kept them with the CM if I could have (we moved).

and reduce contact with your mum. She sounds EA.

and consider therapy for yourself so history does not repeat itself.

I didn't read the full thread but nursery is great.

Yes, she did @CurlyhairedAssassin. I did note this but as the OP progresses she seems more inclined to see what her mother did wrong and even recalled an incident from her childhood. FGS.
My advice still stands, particularly with regard to the long term. It’s not just her, it’s her child’s interests too. DGC need GP too and none of us is perfect.

Make arrangements for full time nursery. The dramas will continue and get worse.
Just say you are sorry she can't make the party and leave it.
Do you really want someone looking after your child who might slag you off to them when you aren't there?

I think it's a fairly common phenomenon where grandparents get all excited about a new baby and make loads of promises about how much support they'll give. Then they actually do it and it's more tiring than they expect, especially with distance involved.

I'd be looking at nursery here OP. Your relationship with your mum sounds a tricky one and it wonder if less pressure would help.

If you strop at unpaid childcare, and it’s not working, then best find proper childcare.

Why would you want someone like that dripping poison about you into your child’s ear day after day? You realise she will affect your child’s mental health and your relationship with her long term don’t you? NEVER let her be alone with your child EVER AGAIN!!!

learn to put your child first and yourself too above the woman who gave birth to you. She isn’t your mother

Gordon Bennet why all the histrionics about a lost bottle cap - just buy another bloody one - in fact buy two, one spare. She drives a considerable way to get to you plus looks after the baby - Id say that was definitely worth more than losing a bottle cap. You are 100% in the wrong. The whole granny relationship is now becoming pretty doomed because of a piddling little reason.

You were out of order having a go at your mum, but you did own it and try and apologise. Her retaliation was totally disproportionate and really aimed at wounding you, which is really unpleasant behaviour.

The problem with relying on her to childcare is more than her just not being reliable (which she def isn't!), she's going to have a lot of influence over your daughter as a main carer and if she's talking negatively about you to her - which she is when she calls you stupid to her, that is going to have negative impacts too. Not least that it's teaching your daughter that it's ok to speak about another person that way - which will do her no favours when she gets older and starts to make friends.

I'd be looking for other childcare tbh which I'm sure if not ideal given the costs. But you may have your hand forced if your mum decides to withdraw help on a whim too, so better to do it on your own terms.

The bottle cap mieux is the very least of the OPs problems when it comes to her mother.

OP wrote this in her initial post. I guess you missed this re her mother or have chosen to gloss over it.

"When she’s happy and I’m “behaving”, she’s the best mum in the world. But when something happens that angers her she turns to threats, name calling and emotional abuse. I also remembered when I was 6 or 7, she blamed me for something that another adult did that angered her".

This woman has not changed since OP was a child and indeed remains abusive to the OP. The very last thing she should be doing here is further subjecting her child to her mother.

If I was doing someone a huge favour and they accused me of lying about losing something I wouldn't be very happy with them and I would stop doing the favour. She's been over the top in what she has said but I understand why she is angry.

Just accept she is not coming, it’s her choice

and find alternative childcare asap

then I would be taking a step back for while

If i was looking after someones child for free and they accused me of lying about something I would be furious too. Yes, she is being over the top but you were wrong to accuse her. Your best off finding childcare.

When she’s happy and I’m “behaving”, she’s the best mum in the world. But when something happens that angers her she turns to threats, name calling and emotional abuse. I also remembered when I was 6 or 7, she blamed me for something that another adult did that angered her.

Why on earth did you think she would be good childcare?

What will happen when your child isn't behaving as your mum thinks they should?

OP probably hoped against hope and her own childhood experience of her mother that she would behave better this time around. That's likely why she was mooted as childcare.

Yes this happened to us. My parents aren’t around but PIL have declared themselves too old to help. DH is 3rd child by quite a long way, a ‘surprise’ and while they helped with SIL and BIL, by the time our DCs arrived they were old and exhausted. Sucks as we have to pay every time we want to step out just us. £50k+ a year childcare just to work and several thousands more a year to have any child free time.

I suspect she is finding the reality of the childcare commitment is too much, andis looking for a way to cut down. As you are aware your comment about a silly lid, was very rude and ungrateful. I am sure she is feeling very hurt and unapppreciated, especially when the in laws swoop in for the fun bit whilst she deals with the daily grind and gets abuse instead of gratitude

Following on from my post above…. What was your mums childhood like, and her relationship with her parents?

My DF passed but DM is alive but not mentally well. With alcohol addiction and generally a troubled woman since I was young, she isn’t in the picture. I have 2 DSs but the thought of them throwing anything back in my face would hurt like hell. Especially as I’ve had to dig deep and survive through life and parenthood mostly alone. If I had a DD I imagine it would be more volatile, I’m secretly glad I don’t have a DD. My DSi decided I should step in as mother figure and walked all over me, I’ve given her a wide berth now as I don’t need her BS after years of my mums. Thought might be useful question and context.

There's two sides to every story. She's been offering free child care, even though she lives hours away from you. You decided to create a scene about a stupid lid. That was rude, ungracious and ungrateful. I'd be fucking pissed off too. Would you have treated your in-laws like that? Apart from throwing a "fun" birthday party, what else do they do for you? Apologise to your mother and then start paying for childcare.

Your mum is doing a lot for you. Childcare is very hard work as we get older, so you're very fortunate that she does it. You've said yourself they travel a very long distance to look after your DC which is a lot on top of the childcare.

On top of that, you've attacked her over something really small making you seem really ungrateful. Her saying that one day your daughter will turn on you, the way she feels you turned on her, is fairly realistic. We devote ourselves to our children and at times they act in a very entitled manner (such as not considering your mum drives huge distances and provides free childcare, so you don't have to worry about a nursery situation).

I think you need to back right off from your mum for a while because if you keep on about it, you're risking her withdrawing the childcare you need too. Maybe apologise one last time and be happy to see her whenever that next is.

Your relationship is clearly far too volatile for this sort of childcare arrangement.

Her telling your daughter that you are stupid is clearly unacceptable, but your treatment of her over the bottle cap incident is also ridiculous. She’s providing full time childcare for you and you accuse her of lying and demand she helps you look for said item? I’m not surprised she didn’t want to attend the party after that.

My parents provided a lot of childcare when my kids were little. On occasion things got lost/went missing, but the monetary value paled in comparison to the amount they were saving me on nursery fees. I asked politely if they had any idea what happened to the item, and if they weren’t sure, I accepted that and replaced it.

You sound as bad as each other, frankly.

It sounds like an awful situation. However why would go back to full-time work with no proper childcare in place,it's alot to ask of a retired couple tbh!

It does seem, however, that the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.