My mum threatens to not help out with the baby and refuses to come to baby's first birthday party

[anjelaRC]

I just wanted to share my situation to either get some different perspectives or advice, or to hear other people's experiences as I'm feeling very down and confused. So long story short, I went back to work full time recently and my parents have agreed to come help out with my baby who's around 11 months old as we all agreed that it's better to send her to nursery when she's older. My parents live quite far away so I'm extremely grateful that they're willing to help. They're retired and said there's nothing they'd like to do more than help look after their granddaughter. They've been helping out for a couple weeks and everything has been going really well, my baby loves playing with them.

So two days ago I couldn't find the cap to my baby's water bottle. I got really frustrated looking for it and thought maybe my mum lost it when she was out with the baby, but she insisted that she didn't and that she brought it home but she wouldn’t help me look for it. I got angry at her and accused her for loosing it. I know that was wrong of me, but I felt overwhelmed and stressed in general, now that I’m working full time again (even though I wish I could spend every second with my baby). I’m also extremely sleep deprived because my baby was never a good sleeper and I’m lucky if I get to bed before 1am.

Later that day felt bad for getting angry at her and called her and apologised. I thought everything was ok between us. But then she texted me that night saying she's no longer going to go to my baby's first birthday party which I was planning for for months, and it's in a few days time now. The next morning I asked her why, and she said because 1) she didn't want me to embarrass her, 2) she didn't want to go to my in law's house (my in laws kindly agreed to host the birthday), 3) she doesn't like hanging out with many people (my in laws have quite a big family) and 4) apparently she doesn't feel like we have actually invited her.

But I was planning her birthday for months and she even helped me decide on what cake to make and I showed her the birthday decorations I got and everything, not once did she say she was not coming. Only after the "cap" incident, that evening she decided she wasn't coming. She said she didn't think it's a big deal, she jus doesn't want to come. But I feel really hurt by it and she knows it because I told her. I feel like she’s not coming to deliberately hurt me, to punish me for getting angry at her. She also told me off for wanting to host something "big" for my baby, and said why am I inviting so many people for a baby who won’t even know what’s going on. It’s not exactly my decision who to invite, since my in-laws are hosting it but it will only be close family and friends.

In addition she started saying things like, "I look forward to the day when your daughter treats you the way you treat me" and saying to my daughter "well isn't you mummy stupid, she's so annoying isn't she". She also said she regrets raising me and that she's disappointed in how "we" (not just "me" but "we", so implying my husband and I) treated her since she got here but wouldn't tell me what we did wrong. She also said she doesn't want to help out with the baby anymore. She's still helping out for now, so maybe she’s just saying that to threaten and hurt me rather than actually stop her help, but it really makes me feel dejected.

I've had my ups and downs with my relationship with my mum in the past but we always worked through them and at one point I felt like she was my best friend. When she’s happy and I’m “behaving”, she’s the best mum in the world. But when something happens that angers her she turns to threats, name calling and emotional abuse. I also remembered when I was 6 or 7, she blamed me for something that another adult did that angered her.

Is it naïve of me to think that I could rely on her for childcare? I know I’m at fault too, but I feel hurt that she would threaten to not care for her grandchild or to not go to her birthday just to punish me. I feel so down and don’t know how to feel happy and enjoy my daughter’s first birthday, which is in three days time, with all of this tearing me down and what to even say to my in-laws when they ask why my parents aren’t coming. I could lie and say they’re not feeling well but every time I think about the situation I tear up and I don’t know if I can keep it together if they ask me. I don’t know what to do. Thanks for hearing me vent.

Why don't you ask your husband's parents to look after your baby?

Wow I'm so shocked to see so many replies! I thought I might just get a handful of people reading and commenting, so thank you everyone for taking the time to even read my post, which wasn't short! I have read each reply and am grateful for all your honest thoughts and varied perspectives. It really helped me reflect on so many things and helped me move forward with a clear head. I do want to clarify some questions people had when I get the time to do so but just wanted to thank everyone for you input and advice!

It wasn't a good idea to have a person you know to be emotionally abusive as your child's caregiver. Make other arrangements.
Your behaviour in blowing up at her over a bottle lid was bad, but it sounds like you have a lot of long-standing resentment towards your mom which comes out when you're stressed. It's not a healthy relationship so it isn't healthy to have your child witness the two of you butting heads either.

It sounds like you’re both prone to histrionics. The big party for a 1 year old does sound OTT and given your parents live quite a distance away childcare may be more work, effort, and cost than she anticipated. The reality of the day to day grind of looking after a little one may have begun to hit home and she’s having second thoughts and wondering how to scale back the commitment. This has provided her with an ‘out’. In your shoes I’d pay for childcare so you’re not subject to the whims of a relative, particularly if you don’t have a secure relationship with her.

Sounds like you over stepped the mark in the way you treated your mum

as for

she never said she wasn’t coming

thats not an invite to a party

buck your ideas up and start appreciating your parents

id be pissed off if if I’d looked after your child all day and got accused of losing something. If other people got invited and nothing was said to me.

Pay for independent childcare and revisit the relationship with your dm when you've learned to respect her.

Wth is wrong with your mum
I can see she is using your daughter to manipulate you,
If you behave she is nice and all good.
I wouldn't trust her. She undermines you as a parent saying to your daughter that her mummy is stupid. For this reason I wouldn't want to leave her unsupervised with DD. God knows what else she is telling her!

Yes you weren't right to shout at your mum, but shit happens, we are stressed, stretched and it is easy to get annoyed. And you apologised, she accepted I think so need to move past it.

And yes, it is naive of you to think you can rely on her for childcare. The moment you stop living the life in a way she wants, your childcare is out of the window. I wouldn't trust her and I would find another childcare.

I disagree. This is ridiculously reductive and its not black and white.

She is presumably over 60 and giving OP 50 hours plus a week of her time and driving long distances daily on top of minding a 1-2year old which is one of the hardest ages imo.

Let's be real... how many people would anyone do this for? This is not a crap mum.

An imperfect, tired, underappreciated, emotionally childish mum who is upset and lashing out inappropriately(?) after going above and beyond only to be on the receiving end of poor treatment from her daughter...? Yes absolutely.
But she is not a crap mum.

And I think even the OP can see she hasn't been perfect in all this either.

I think it boils down to she shouldn't have offered and you shouldn't have accepted.

The childcare situation should be revisited and you should show more appreciation and unclencha bit. On her side she needs to get a grip, stop being so emotionally flabby and have direct conversation with you not use your child as a vector.

I say this as someone with a 3 and 1 yr old who "gets" your perspective (I'm fairly type A and only really learning not to sweat with small stuff and overreact now and that's because I'm close to burn out 🤷🏻‍♀️). My mum and I are close but the kids have strained things and her behaviour hasnt been miles away from your mums at times.
Inc. The stupid fucking "mummy says blah blah" type comments. I honestly cant imagine her doing it a decade ago but she older and prob feels totally unappreciated at times and realistically im knackered and dont alway appreciate her efforts. I also expect it to be "at standard" and anything less I'm vaguely annoyed and unappreciative about - being on the receiving end of that has to be shit for my mum who is "doing her best".

I got paid for childcare even though my mother offered because I knew she'd struggle and there would be tension and ultimately it would get messy.

This

Describing full time childcare as 'helping out' is a bit disingenuous and how are they doing this if they live a distance from you? She sounds like a difficult character for sure but you should never have expected her to provide full time childcare especially if it involves a lot of travel. It's probably exhausting and stressful for her. And then to make a fuss about a bottle cap was petty. Pay for childcare and take a step back from her.

You’ve relied on her for 5 day a week childcare and shouted about the cap to a bottle and she’s having a mare a being overly dramatic.

but her travelling from far 5 days a week to look after an 11month old is not sustainable and clearly resentment is brewing and now she is being nasty.

pay for childcare or ask DH parents to pitch in. But all of it on one elderly person is way too much

DGC need GP too and none of us is perfect.

This is specious BS. Do you have kids or gkids? You’d let anyone have unsupervised access with them because ‘no one is perfect’. ‘No one is perfect’ means ‘I don’t want to think about anything not nice’ Do you think SS should just wrap up their services now that you’ve surmised everyone has flaws?

She sound toxic although you were rude to snap about the bottle top.
id be blasé about the party. “Ok that’s a shame but if that’s how you feel”
id find alternative childcare so you don’t have to need her for anything and I would be clear if she slates you in front of your dd she doesn’t see you or dd.

Well @speakball I am a grandmother who has looked after her DGC for a decade. Like my son and DiL, I’ve made mistakes as none of us is perfect. An argument stemming from a lost bottle cap together with threats of not going to a birthday party and withdrawal of child care (though it’s still being done) are hardly issues for SS. Get a grip.

hardly issues for SS.

funny how you didn’t mention the bit about the gmum telling child that op is stupid? You do that?

Oh dear. Don’t rely on family for childcare, pay for it. Also don’t be rude to people who are doing you a favour, and expect them to suck it up!

Of course I don’t (for reasons you and I would agree) but would SS be interested? They deal with far more important issues. This is a matter between OP and her mother.
You seem very anti-GP. Did you have GP/GPs in your life when growing up? Was perfection always the case?
No?
Thought not.
People have flaws - mothers and GPs.
This was an argument between mother and daughter when both were tired and stressed.
Again, get a grip speakball.

Your ‘no one is perfect’ minimises verbal abuse. Did your mum tell your children you were stupid or similar when she wasn’t happy? Is it the sort of thing you would ever do? If I said stuff like that to my my gc in front of my dc I wouldn’t expect to be seeing them anytime soon without a few very heavy chats.

Your mum sounds just like mine " nasty" . Please get alternative childcare for your baby. She is poison and not good for you . I rarely speak to mine nowadays and I'm much happier.

Imo it’s not verbal abuse but disrespect and failure to support parents.
FYi my mum died before my children were born.
I’ve already told you it’s not something I would do in front of parents or behind their backs. Their children, their rules even if there is the very rare difference in opinion - and they know this.
You seem to have got your teeth into me. Back off.