My mum threatens to not help out with the baby and refuses to come to baby's first birthday party

[anjelaRC]

I just wanted to share my situation to either get some different perspectives or advice, or to hear other people's experiences as I'm feeling very down and confused. So long story short, I went back to work full time recently and my parents have agreed to come help out with my baby who's around 11 months old as we all agreed that it's better to send her to nursery when she's older. My parents live quite far away so I'm extremely grateful that they're willing to help. They're retired and said there's nothing they'd like to do more than help look after their granddaughter. They've been helping out for a couple weeks and everything has been going really well, my baby loves playing with them.

So two days ago I couldn't find the cap to my baby's water bottle. I got really frustrated looking for it and thought maybe my mum lost it when she was out with the baby, but she insisted that she didn't and that she brought it home but she wouldn’t help me look for it. I got angry at her and accused her for loosing it. I know that was wrong of me, but I felt overwhelmed and stressed in general, now that I’m working full time again (even though I wish I could spend every second with my baby). I’m also extremely sleep deprived because my baby was never a good sleeper and I’m lucky if I get to bed before 1am.

Later that day felt bad for getting angry at her and called her and apologised. I thought everything was ok between us. But then she texted me that night saying she's no longer going to go to my baby's first birthday party which I was planning for for months, and it's in a few days time now. The next morning I asked her why, and she said because 1) she didn't want me to embarrass her, 2) she didn't want to go to my in law's house (my in laws kindly agreed to host the birthday), 3) she doesn't like hanging out with many people (my in laws have quite a big family) and 4) apparently she doesn't feel like we have actually invited her.

But I was planning her birthday for months and she even helped me decide on what cake to make and I showed her the birthday decorations I got and everything, not once did she say she was not coming. Only after the "cap" incident, that evening she decided she wasn't coming. She said she didn't think it's a big deal, she jus doesn't want to come. But I feel really hurt by it and she knows it because I told her. I feel like she’s not coming to deliberately hurt me, to punish me for getting angry at her. She also told me off for wanting to host something "big" for my baby, and said why am I inviting so many people for a baby who won’t even know what’s going on. It’s not exactly my decision who to invite, since my in-laws are hosting it but it will only be close family and friends.

In addition she started saying things like, "I look forward to the day when your daughter treats you the way you treat me" and saying to my daughter "well isn't you mummy stupid, she's so annoying isn't she". She also said she regrets raising me and that she's disappointed in how "we" (not just "me" but "we", so implying my husband and I) treated her since she got here but wouldn't tell me what we did wrong. She also said she doesn't want to help out with the baby anymore. She's still helping out for now, so maybe she’s just saying that to threaten and hurt me rather than actually stop her help, but it really makes me feel dejected.

I've had my ups and downs with my relationship with my mum in the past but we always worked through them and at one point I felt like she was my best friend. When she’s happy and I’m “behaving”, she’s the best mum in the world. But when something happens that angers her she turns to threats, name calling and emotional abuse. I also remembered when I was 6 or 7, she blamed me for something that another adult did that angered her.

Is it naïve of me to think that I could rely on her for childcare? I know I’m at fault too, but I feel hurt that she would threaten to not care for her grandchild or to not go to her birthday just to punish me. I feel so down and don’t know how to feel happy and enjoy my daughter’s first birthday, which is in three days time, with all of this tearing me down and what to even say to my in-laws when they ask why my parents aren’t coming. I could lie and say they’re not feeling well but every time I think about the situation I tear up and I don’t know if I can keep it together if they ask me. I don’t know what to do. Thanks for hearing me vent.

Is it possible that your parents are too old to look after your DC @anjelaRC? I wonder if they have to drive a long way and then look after your DC they are really tired out and it's too much for them . I agree with others you need to get alternative child care .

This was my thought too.

No doubt your mum is now deliberately causing trouble to make a point, but perhaps you have been taking out your mood on her?

Ultimately relying on your mum to provide so much care is a mistake. Family can be wonderful as hoc help but you need to arrange proper independent cover.

Also, it is fair enough if she thinks a big party at your in-laws is over the top and she doesn’t want to go.

From everything you have said your mother sounds absolutely vile. Do not lie to your in laws for her, she doesn’t deserve the protection. Sounds wise to arrange alternate childcare ASAP so that your child isn’t routinely being subjected to this toxic behaviour and doesn’t start to believe it as the ‘norm’.

It sounds like there might be some cultural issues at play here; could that explain any of her actions?

This.

But what she's saying to your daughter about you is spiteful, sly and destructive. You can't trust your mother, and you know this if you're honest with yourself.

Also, use her behaviour as an example of what not to do, in terms of decent behaviour.

Pay for childcare

What kind of a first birthday party needs months of planning?

Regular childcare is a step too far for many grandparent/child relationships.
I disagree with people saying your mother sounds cruel etc. I think she's probably just undertaken too much, and you have expected too much and you're both worn out.
Sort out your independence, get your own childcare, don't stress the birthday party, it doesn't really matter. The baby won't care or remember it.

You hurt her feelings and she is (wrongly) lashing out to hurt yours. I think I would be hurt too if I had taken out of my life and temporarily move to you in order to take care of your child and you went off on me about a cap. This will pass.

You both sound exhausted and lacking communication skills.

time to reset. You need to be the adult here and stop relying on her for childcare. You can’t snap at your mum about a bottle cap and I bet you wouldnt at a childcare professional.

the party sounds over the top but she shouldn’t have commented

If your mother is as horrible as you are describing her here, you wouldn’t be having her watch your daughter all day, every day. You would be protecting your child from your mother.

that leads me to believe that your reporting here isn’t entirely accurate. Things get lost, especially tiny items for babies. You need to have backups for essential items. You were yelling at your mother because you and your husband didn’t plan well.

I would absolutely stop relying on her for regular childcare. It isn’t working. She is growing resentful of the burden and doesn’t feel appreciated. Otherwise one incident wouldn’t blow up this big.

Stand on your own two feet. Pay for childcare. You will have a lot less drama in your life. You are giving your mum too much power she can hold over you.

Yes that's what I felt, it seems pretty ungrateful to get het up over a cap.

You openly admit your mum was emotionally abusive to you - so why the hell are you not only allowing but encouraging and relying on her being alone with your baby for days on end?

Nurseries aren't evil and there are other options like child minders. If you find a good setting they are great. They genuinely love the kids and the kids usually love it too. They're reliable and not prone to calling you names to boot.

Stop telling her she hurts you and pandering to her. If she says she isn't coming, ok no problem, thanks for letting me know. If she says doesn't want to look after her anymore, ok no problem, thanks for letting me know, I've got an appointment to look at some nurseries. It will come with some dramatics at first but you have to find your cool. "What? Don't you want me there?" Yes of course I do, but if you don't want to come you don't want to come and that's your choice. Once she stops getting the dramatic begging back she'll realise she only misses out when she does it and will stop.

Well I can understand she was offended in the moment when you suggested she'd lost the bottle cap, but the rest of her emotional blackmail is off the charts.

It sounds like you'd be better paying for childcare if this is what she's capable of. Unless she apologises profusely, of course, and means it. Otherwise this could be a regular event and you don't want to be walking on eggshells worrying about your child care and your relationship with her.

My mum wasn't the easiest person, had a tendency to believe she was right about everything but she was usually kind and supportive even so. No way I'd ever have expected or wanted her to look after my child on a regular basis though - my mil did for a while and that worked out mostly fine as she was very easy going.

Sorry though, it hurts like mad when your own mother lets you down.

Losing it over a bottle cap is batshit. Tiredness is no excuse. Even if she had lost it, so what?!

You both sound as bad as each other.

You lost your shit over a missing bottle top, and you’ve been planning a baby’s first birthday party for “months”.

You are far too highly strung and need to unclench.

Good luck finding some paid childcare you’re happy with, because ‘missing items’ like for example, little bottle tops, are par for the course.

You both have new roles, as mum, as grandparent and as someone whose opinion might be sought but shouldn’t be given. It takes a while to bed into those roles and, speaking from my own experience, many mistakes can be made.
You won’t like me saying this but your post suggests she’s more in the wrong than you.
she…wouldn't tell me what we did wrong.
You blamed her for the loss of the cap and snapped at her. She’s too has got it wrong.
No doubt, like you, she’s tired and emotional.
She’s travelling a distance to have a relationship with her DGC. She wants to protect you as your mum. Your baby deserves a relationship with a grandmother. It takes a village…
Time, apologies, calmness and a few slices of humble pie (one each) wouldn’t be amiss. You’ve both lashed out and should put it behind you. If I had carried through when I was stressed with my MiL and AC I wouldn’t have the relationships I’ve had. Like me, I suspect your mum’s hot air.
Happy birthday to your little one. 🎈

The fact you can remember her being horrible to you when your were 6 or 7 speaks volumes OP.

It’s not a good relationship. You need to put your DD into nursery and stop allowing her so much power over your feelings. If she mentions the party again just say ‘ok shame you’ll miss it’. Dont give her the drama she craves.

Sounds a bit toxic all round really. She sounds like a petulant child, I wouldn't be able to stand all that.

But I do wonder about the two sides to every story thing - why on earth do you have no say in who is coming to your own child's birthday party? That's so weird! I don't know why your inlaws are hosting this party, you are the child's parents, why aren't you seen as the hosts? If it's literally in your inlaws house because it's bigger then that's just the venue you are using, but you are still the hosts, and you do your own inviting. They might check with you if such and such from down the road could come and I'd be fine with the odd request like that, but they shoudln't be deciding who is on the guest list or not.

She will turn your precious baby against you. Don't let her. Your mother/child relationship is too important to allow that. Calling you stupid and annoying to your child is unforgivable. Stop all childcare arrangements and never allow her unsupervised contact (if you even stay in contact).

Don't stoop to her level. Google grey rock, take the wind out of her sails by not giving her a reaction. Just get on with arranging childcare and celebrating with loved ones. She's hoping you'll be hurt and grovelling because she's threatening to stop bothering with your baby. Let her, you don't need her negativity.

OP did apologise for the lost cap accusation though. It was her mum who then made a big hoo ha out of everything.

Just pay for professional childcare.

I can see both sides.

I also wonder whether your mum is somewhat overwhelmed. Caring for such a young child, plus the long commute, is a huge responsibility, even if they are fit for their age.

I would start looking into finding a nursery place, or a childminder or nanny-share.

You can pay for childcare with money or you can pay for it in suffering. Up to you. I wouldn’t think your daughter is better off with someone who calls her mother stupid.