My mum threatens to not help out with the baby and refuses to come to baby's first birthday party

[anjelaRC]

I just wanted to share my situation to either get some different perspectives or advice, or to hear other people's experiences as I'm feeling very down and confused. So long story short, I went back to work full time recently and my parents have agreed to come help out with my baby who's around 11 months old as we all agreed that it's better to send her to nursery when she's older. My parents live quite far away so I'm extremely grateful that they're willing to help. They're retired and said there's nothing they'd like to do more than help look after their granddaughter. They've been helping out for a couple weeks and everything has been going really well, my baby loves playing with them.

So two days ago I couldn't find the cap to my baby's water bottle. I got really frustrated looking for it and thought maybe my mum lost it when she was out with the baby, but she insisted that she didn't and that she brought it home but she wouldn’t help me look for it. I got angry at her and accused her for loosing it. I know that was wrong of me, but I felt overwhelmed and stressed in general, now that I’m working full time again (even though I wish I could spend every second with my baby). I’m also extremely sleep deprived because my baby was never a good sleeper and I’m lucky if I get to bed before 1am.

Later that day felt bad for getting angry at her and called her and apologised. I thought everything was ok between us. But then she texted me that night saying she's no longer going to go to my baby's first birthday party which I was planning for for months, and it's in a few days time now. The next morning I asked her why, and she said because 1) she didn't want me to embarrass her, 2) she didn't want to go to my in law's house (my in laws kindly agreed to host the birthday), 3) she doesn't like hanging out with many people (my in laws have quite a big family) and 4) apparently she doesn't feel like we have actually invited her.

But I was planning her birthday for months and she even helped me decide on what cake to make and I showed her the birthday decorations I got and everything, not once did she say she was not coming. Only after the "cap" incident, that evening she decided she wasn't coming. She said she didn't think it's a big deal, she jus doesn't want to come. But I feel really hurt by it and she knows it because I told her. I feel like she’s not coming to deliberately hurt me, to punish me for getting angry at her. She also told me off for wanting to host something "big" for my baby, and said why am I inviting so many people for a baby who won’t even know what’s going on. It’s not exactly my decision who to invite, since my in-laws are hosting it but it will only be close family and friends.

In addition she started saying things like, "I look forward to the day when your daughter treats you the way you treat me" and saying to my daughter "well isn't you mummy stupid, she's so annoying isn't she". She also said she regrets raising me and that she's disappointed in how "we" (not just "me" but "we", so implying my husband and I) treated her since she got here but wouldn't tell me what we did wrong. She also said she doesn't want to help out with the baby anymore. She's still helping out for now, so maybe she’s just saying that to threaten and hurt me rather than actually stop her help, but it really makes me feel dejected.

I've had my ups and downs with my relationship with my mum in the past but we always worked through them and at one point I felt like she was my best friend. When she’s happy and I’m “behaving”, she’s the best mum in the world. But when something happens that angers her she turns to threats, name calling and emotional abuse. I also remembered when I was 6 or 7, she blamed me for something that another adult did that angered her.

Is it naïve of me to think that I could rely on her for childcare? I know I’m at fault too, but I feel hurt that she would threaten to not care for her grandchild or to not go to her birthday just to punish me. I feel so down and don’t know how to feel happy and enjoy my daughter’s first birthday, which is in three days time, with all of this tearing me down and what to even say to my in-laws when they ask why my parents aren’t coming. I could lie and say they’re not feeling well but every time I think about the situation I tear up and I don’t know if I can keep it together if they ask me. I don’t know what to do. Thanks for hearing me vent.

Your mother isn't your best friend.

"we all agreed that it's better to send her to nursery when she's older."

Who is we all? If your mom and dad, why are they included in your parenting decisions? Why do you feel older relatives who live at a distance are better childcare than a professional set up where the workers are certified in basic safety like first aid and CPR and don't have personal axes to grind and that you can count on to be there day in and day out?

"when something happens that angers her she turns to threats, name calling and emotional abuse."

And that makes her unfit child care. You've rugswept a lot of bullshit to play big happy family but you have to walk on eggshells or she will get nasty with you and not give that free childcare. She's already started in after a couple weeks? over something as stupid as a bottle cap.

Get daycare.

Water bottle - Yabu
Its an £8 bottle if she threw away one every day and you had to bulk buy from amazon youd still be saving THOUSANDS per month.

1st birthday - yabu
She can do what she likes she was probably coming in part for you - but since you've been taking all your stress out on her she's dropped the rope a bit. I wouldnt make a big deal out of it / die on this hill.

"well isn't you mummy stupid, she's so annoying isn't she". Yanbu
This is NOT okay and she needs to stop you need to calmly talk about how its damaging.

Albeit inelegantly your mum is communicating she isnt happy
saying things like, "I look forward to the day when your daughter treats you the way you treat me" is the clear sign

You need to sit down apologise and say you'll treat her better but she needs to stop with the smack talk in front of the baby...

Your alternative is to find a CM or nursery and start shelling out 2.5k pm like the rest of us.

OP why is leaving your child with a nasty emotionally blackmailing woman better than nursery? That's a very poor decision to make, what's the thought process there?

You also need to do some reflection cause your reaction was really OTT. Planning such an elaborate party for a 1yr old is also unnecessary, why the need to host at ILs?

Dont defend your mother, just tell ILs that she doesnt want to come.

Get paid childcare who wont undermine you and slag you off to your poor baby.

Look into some sleep training or other things cause you shouldnt be going to bed at 1am every night that will massively impact your MH.

This. You both need to look at your behaviour. But you can only control your own - don't be so precious and bratty about stupid stuff like a bottle cap.

Your mum can be cruel but you seem to have inherited it.

So two days ago I couldn't find the cap to my baby's water bottle. I got really frustrated looking for it and thought maybe my mum lost it when she was out with the baby, but she insisted that she didn't and that she brought it home but she wouldn’t help me look for it. I got angry at her and accused her for loosing it.

Christ I wouldn't look after the baby again after that. You would be paying for childcare.

It's a water bottle buy another one. Stuff gets lost with children all the time.

Frankly you sound overwrought and your mum sounds as though two weeks was enough for her. It’s a mammoth commitment and maybe she didn’t quite appreciate it when she said she’d do it. Bottom line, if people are doing your childcare for free you should ignore lost bottle-tops, and be hugely appreciative and grateful. Maybe she feels a wee bit used.

I would just keep her sweet for now and start enquiring on nursery places. As soon as you got a nursery place sorted you can stop relying on your mum and she will soon change her tune.

OP - When you say your parents live quite far away, how far are you talking? How long does it take them to get to you?

And how far away are your in laws from you?

I’d be knackered, coming however far away it is, to look after a baby who’s going to be an energetic toddler soon, and then drive all the way home. And do it the next day, and the next day. Then get told off for losing a bottle cap after all this, and demanded that I help look. No wonder she flipped.

Have you spoken to your dad as he’s equally involved with childcare?

I do agree that, rightly or wrongly, it’s like the in-laws have the fun and easy stuff (can they help at all with childcare?) while your parents do the hard graft. A little party in your own home with just a few people plus your parents would make it feel much more balanced. I do understand their reasons, I’d feel awkward too tbh and this could be seen as a perfect excuse not to come. Especially as they have that long drive there and another one home, after an exhausting week.

I think this was always destined to fail - good intentions are laudable but no one knows what it’s like until they start doing it.

Childcare sorted asap. Even if she does change her mind, she could do this again. Don’t be beholden to her.

She sounds like a crap Mum. Trust me at some point she will treat your children like she treated you.
Don't let her.
Book the child into nursery and take the power away from her.

Get childcare sorted asap

I would find a nursery/childminder ASAP. As even if she then decides to continue helping out she could change her mind again whenever you have a disagreement. It’s not worth the drama or stress of being left without childcare last minute.

Does she have baby 5 days per week? If so I think that’s too much for grandparents as they end up seeing baby more than you and may start to control. If she’s that manipulative then I’d sort other childcare so she can’t over power you or threaten you.

there’s no way I’d want my baby with someone who says those things.

Yes well said. Also welling up every time you speak about it is somewhat dramatic in itself. Take it from someone who has no parents, you’re lucky!!! No need to have a child that doesn’t sleep at 11 months.

Yes, exactly.And also, the poster won't be able to get angry and tell off nursery staff for losing the cap off a bottle as they'll tell her to go elsewhere

So it will take the power away from the grandmother and keep the mother in check with her behaviour towards caregivers to her baby.

She sounds very emotionally immature. You no doubt are exhausted and stressed and you didn’t choose your words carefully in a moment when you felt overwhelmed, fine. But you apologised.

All the horrible things she has said haven’t been because of her being stressed or exhausted. She isn’t a parent to a young child and can walk away at anytime or opt out. It sounds like this behaviour has been ongoing and consistent. My mum used to get so worked up because my dc would take a long time going to bed (for me, not her! She never provided childcare) and would freak out and give me ultimatums like this. But the mature thing is just to step away and calm down and that’s easy to do when you don’t actually have children to care for.

What she’s hoping for is that you come fawning and capitulating and saying how much you want her at the party and you’ll change everything and how much you need her for childcare because she is absolutely essential and important and cherished and you will centre everything around her needs.

You don’t need to do that. Just say ‘sorry you feel that way, but thanks for letting me know. Make sure to let Bob and Shirley know you won’t be there for the party’ and ‘thanks for all your help, we’re sorted for childcare now.’ And just drop it and let her stew in it.

I’m NC with my mum now (for different reasons), but when she used to have a tantrum like this, I’d just sort of pretend I didn’t really notice her stomping her feet and leave her to simmer. She’d go 3-4 months because she would refuse to apologise or have a conversation about it. Then get tired and bored of waiting for me to tell her she was the centre of the universe, and would pop up with a cheery ‘Saw this and thought of you. Love you! Talk soon! xx’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

She’s jealous because the party is at your in laws. You now need to take control to make sure you’re not without child care and get your own. She will lose her shit because she’s lost control but stand your ground.

The fact that the op hasn’t returned once to the thread suggests to me that the giant slating of her mother in the op was meant to have us all joining in in ‘poor you op, your mother is clearly a bitch.’
the op forgot however, when making her self out to be a massive victim in the op, that she simultaneously uses her for childcare of her baby so she very clearly isn’t that bad.

I would also hazard a guess that the ‘she’s nice when it’s all going well’ paragraph, actually applies to the op herself (possibly both) given that she’s been perfectly happy to use her for childcare till now.

if, following this thread, you don’t pay for childcare op, and continue to use your mother, then you might need to own that your mother isn’t as bad as you want to make her out to be.

I find it interesting, reading your original post, that you accused your Mum of looking the top of a bottle, and you remember gentlemen you were young, you too were accused of doing something you didn't do.

So you and your Mum, in that respect, have done pretty much the same thing. I mention this because it seems to have been the start of the disagreement.

The rest - Mum won't come to birthday party or care for child again - is just silly in my view.

But the origins of the fight are perhaps, in your past.

Bloody hell, some major autocorrect failures there. looking should be losing. Gentlemen should be when. Sorry.

Note to self, proof read before hitting send.

That sounds awful OP. From your description of events, your mother showed no sympathy towards your situation (working, underslept) and how that could have played a part in your reaction towards her and the cap.

Her responses subsequently seem only intent on punishing you and to me, have hallmarks of narcissism. She seems to want you to be responsible for her emotions (which she may not be able to regulate, but that’s her problem, not yours).

It is manipulative and mean to use that against you to not attend your baby’s first birthday. That shows that she doesn’t really care about her grandchild or you, or even if she does, it’s much more important for her to make it all about herself.

Going forward, I think it would be a good thing to put boundaries on childcare from your parents (distance is another compelling reason), but more so that the form of toxic parenting you seek to have experience does not get passed on to your child. It’s an incredibly nasty and self-centered thing to make a comment like “wait until your kid grows up and treats you the way you treat me”. As uncomfortable as it may feel, you need to put some distance, for your own sake.

As your parents live a fair distance away, I think it is unrealistic to expect regular, reliable childcare from them. On top of that, your relationship with your Mum can be difficult. Knowing what your Mum can be like, and how difficult your relationship is at times, I think her looking after your daughter was never going to be sustainable long-term. You were rude to your Mum, accused her of losing something, even though she assured you she hadn't. She's now using the fact she looks after your daughter as a stick to beat you with, and yes to punish you. Can I ask why your in-laws are hosting your daughter's 1st birthday party, and inviting a large guest list? I understand it's their home, but surely the guest list for your own daughter's birthday should be up to you??? Do you have a large family or are the majority of those invited going to be family/friends on your husband's side? I wonder if your Mum feels rather awkward and sidelined over her granddaughter's birthday, especially if the guests are mainly from your husband's side. You need to look into sending your daughter to nursery full-time. Unfortunately, you can't rely on your Mum, and having someone who's likely to keep using childcare as a hold over you, is not going to work.

She also said she doesn't want to help out with the baby anymore. She's still helping out for now, so maybe she’s just saying that to threaten and hurt me rather than actually stop her help, but it really makes me feel dejected.

Stop. Let’s ignore her remarks based on upset. She also said she doesn’t want to help out with the baby anymore. (She feels admonished and unappreciated.)
She’s still helping out for now.
Forget your conjectures. Apply some common sense. She’s your mum. Where’s your MiL when it comes to looking after baby?
Are you prepared to lose a grandparent for a bottle cap?
Really?
WTAF?

Please, OP, if you are still there: ignore the posters who are stupidly (and rather comically) fixated with the darned bottle cap. Fgs. We all have bad days and we lash out and make mistakes. But, seriously, these replies are genuinely obtuse and completely useless (even dangerous in their reckless ignorance about abusive mothers).
Fortunately, more people have seen what to anyone with a little bit of emotional intelligence is blatantly obvious: that the feckin bottle cap episode is the least important anecdote of your OP.

Yes, it’s naive of you to rely on her for childcare. Make other arrangements.