Lacking adult female friendships - help.

[PeonyPatch]

It has taken me quite a lot to post this as I feel
such a sense of embarrassment and shame… However, I’m really embarrassed to admit that I barely have any friends at age 35. I’m not really sure how I’ve got here. Particularly female friends.

My partner and I are TTC, which is lonely in itself so I am not a Mum and cannot connect to other females in this way. I’m on a TTC thread on here which is helpful 🩷

I work from home- so my job itself, although people orientated, is pretty damn isolating. It’s a remote job and everyone works across the country.

I have a couple of female friends my age I made through previous workplaces and through university that I stay in touch with. However, many of them live an hour and a half away from me at different parts of the country. I don’t see them regularly. It might be once a month, if that.

I don’t have any siblings. My partner works in London. Just very lonely really.

My mental health is not great as a result, but I would love to meet new people and have a better social life. I just have absolutely no idea how to do this at my age and stage of life.

Does anyone have any ideas?

I’ve tried exercise classes - people keep to themselves. I want to make meaningful relationships where we can see each other and speak regularly.

I really am open to suggestions. I feel I’ve a lot to give friendships. I’m a girly girl, love walking, hiking, spas, eating out, travel, dogs, shopping, movies, music, concerts, food, cooking, baking.

Sorry to hear you are lonely Peony, I totally understand where you are coming from. As someone with no friends or social life either (age 53), life can sometimes be a bit much. I can’t offer you any advice really, but just wanted to reach out to say hi to you. I’m sure the MN community will come up with some cracking ideas for you. Wish you all the best. Chin up sweetie ❤️

Sorry to hear this, remote working has its benefits but it can be lonely. Any opportunity to be based in an office for a day or two if it exists?
Can you try the app ‘meet up’ - it’s meant to be quite good. Also maybe park runs - if you’re a regular you’ll get chatting to people and then could suggest a coffee afterwards. Or a course of some kind in the evenings.

Wishing you luck with ttc.

Have you reached out on a local Facebook group to see if any other women 30+ would like to meet up for coffee or walking? The other thing you could do is set up your own club. All the book clubs near me are full so I set my own up. Advertised it on FB we had 10 places not too big or small and local library helped out

Yes, I agree it can be lonely… I’m struggling with it now to be honest. I asked to work from a face to face clinic one day a week, but I don’t have colleagues around me, just clients. It’s better, but doesn’t fill the friendship hole 😢

Meet up is a good idea. I may consider that. Parkruns I used to go to but I don’t find you do get chatting to anyone really. Most people are there in their cliques, partners etc or don’t want to talk. Thats why I find exercise groups/classes a bit tricky.

Evening class is a good shout.

Hi op walking and hiking are great. Is there anything on locally. I met a few nice ones this way and we do odd coffee. Im 50s. Its def harder now once people put in bit effort its easier. My friend in a choir/drama group.

@PeonyPatch sending you a big hug. Don't feel embarrassed, it's a common problem and seems to be a symptom of modern society. Friendships can take time to form as an adult. As others have suggested, find an interest group that meet regularly then commit to it. The first few meetings might be awful and you may feel worse but keep going and offer to help set up or help organise as it's easier to make friends if you are working together to achieve something.

Try the meet up app or something like The Sunday Assembly.

I am not on Facebook unfortunately. My friend started an art club that runs monthly and I’ve been to a couple so I’ll keep trying to attend that.

how are you finding the book club? X

Thanks for the understanding @nowitsmetime
I also find as an adult, many people already have their established friendships and are reluctant to make more… but that could be a big assumption I’m making. Generally it has been my experience tho. I’m finding it so difficult.

Not heard of the Sunday assembly. What is that?

Thank you @Zues 💛💛

Another one here for parkrun. Maybe try a different one. Ours is very friendly and there are a number of social running groups that are there each week and I’ve met lots of new people through it and by attending one of the groups. I’ve also seen friendships forming between people through it too. Maybe offer to volunteer there? That will help you get to know other people.

You could try volunteering, joining a netball or team sports group. There are lots of ‘back to (sport)’ groups starting up so you don’t have to be great at it. I think it takes time. I joined a sports club about two years ago and we have all, only just, started going out outside of the sport.

I wonder also if there’s a Women’s Institute near you? It’s attracting younger women these days and they’re always looking for volunteers for things. They’re usually a kind bunch.

Ditto becoming a scout/girl guide volunteer. It would get you out the house and doing fun things like camping trips and meeting the other workers. Might not be your bag but I’m sure there might be other groups about that attract younger workers.

Tennis and women’s golf clubs are also usually quite sociable.

@PeonyPatch it's like a non religious church. The idea behind it is to create a church like community without having the religion element. They sing pop songs and listen to a talk and live music then have time for tea and biscuits. I always mean to go but still haven't 😳

I also go to a book group which is lovely and inclusive. There are some people who don't want more friends for whatever reason but there are plenty more who can always make space for a cup of coffee and a walk.

@Zues 💐I am sorry that you are going through this.

Walking groups, choirs, wild swimming groups, golf, tennis, conservation volunteering, book and film clubs. Have a look on your local meetup website and join a few new things. You won't make friends overnight but if you keep showing up , you will make a friend or two in time.
What about a new job too... something where you see colleagues. Working alone at home is SO lonely.
Good luck!

This is SO hard. My best friends are people I worked with in office-based jobs during my 20s and 30s, and think a lot about how very lonely it must be for younger people now that so many jobs are WFH. I feel particularly gutted for people whose uni experience was remote due to Covid, and then went straight into remote working as well.

(Though I guess it probably works out nicely for the hardcore MN introverts who can't stand human contact.)

The one context apart from work where I made friends in my early 40s was an evening class. That was sheer luck though - I met a fabulous, very funny, very charming and clever woman who was up for organising social stuff and introducing her fabulous friends to one another. Most of the rest of the people in the class were duds, sadly 😂

But the good ones do exist! My top tip is go where you're likely to find dynamic, middle-aged lesbians with no kids - people with free time & plenty of social energy as they've not got stroppy teenagers / crotchety old husbands sat at home sapping their life force.

Ah I think so many people are in the same boat so thank you for sharing. I haven’t maintained friends from school or university, and I often feel like I really miss having close girlfriends or that there must be something wrong with me!!

I made some effort over the last few years to make new friends and found there are others out there who are the same - you just need to find them! The app Bumble BFF is good (completely separate from the dating side of the app!!), I also set up a group on Meet Up for women the same age as me. It threw me completely out of my comfort zone but I’ve met some really lovely girls with similar interests I can now call good friends.

I can see how this can happen, definitely. My local friends I mainly met through children, which then linked me into a whole network, but I can see how without that it could be much harder to make those initial connections.

You say you like dogs. Do you have a dog? My friends with dogs tell me that it is a very good way to get talking to people and then they start to meet the same people for dog walks regularly.

Otherwise, could you try some kind of volunteering that gets you out of the house and working with others in person, as you actually have to talk to people unlike eg an exercise class. And I think working together for a common goal is a good way to forge friendships that go beyond the superficial, whether that is paid work or voluntary. I have volunteered with the Samaritians in the past and many people formed close friendships through that (I chose to keep a bit more distance tbh as I had enough going on, but everyone was very nice and friendly)

Don't be embarrassed- I have heard many people say the same thing about feeling lonely in their 30s. Old friends get busy with their own families or just end up living away.

Work is a good place to make friends sometimes so it is a bit of a shame you work from home. Could you find an office based job instead? Not all offices are friendly but you can usually hit it off with a few people and invite them for a drink after work. Of the clubs I've joined in the past, the creative ones rather than the sporty ones have been the most friendly. I think because people were focused on getting fit in the sporty ones (unlike me!) whilst the creative ones (art, poetry and drama improv type class) were up for a laugh and a chat. Always loads to talk about too because you comment on each other's work so talk is encouraged.

It takes a while though to build up regular contact though so be patient. My best friend now is someone I found annoying when we first met at a new job - she is actually really lovely!

That sounds good :) I have never been very sporty tho so lack a bit of confidence, but I am interested in trying. Netball sounds fun!

Yes to the last bit. My husband and I are in serious talks about relocation because sadly the area that we live in is VERY suburban, and there’s not much going on here at all. It’s all families on my road. I don’t have much in common with my neighbours.i think it’s hard when you’re in your 30s without kids.
I think my husband and I should have moved closer or just outside of London.

I love the idea of reformer Pilates, but sadly nothing in my area. Have to go into London. I’m in the south east.

@VoltaireMittyDream sadly I did my postgrad qualification (linked with my job) remotely due to COVID19. I met one/two very good friends from it, but they live far from me. After that, went straight into remote working. It’s really depressing. I’m a sociable person as well.

I have been debating bumble for bff but im
really scared/shy/embarrassed to put myself out there and on the app, lol.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions - you’re actually really spurring me on to get outside of my comfort zone and to go for it 😊

Honestly I felt the same but don’t be! Ultimately the only people that will see you will be signed up to the app too, so nothing to be embarrassed about. People are on there for lots of reasons - relocation, drifted apart from friendship groups, wanting to find people with the same hobbies etc…

I really feel for you - I remember being on maternity leave with my first baby and being very lonely. Made two nice friends through NCT who immediately left London once the babies were born and I realised I knew no one local at all!

First and foremost keep up your longer distance friends - this will give you an “anchor” while you build up more local friends. Doing something sociable like a team sport or activity is going to be much more fruitful than exercise classes etc.

No idea where you are but in Herts there is a women who walk group (they are on fb) which seems great. Regular walks, book clubs and social events. If not near you, copy it and start you own walk group?