Lacking adult female friendships - help.

[PeonyPatch]

It has taken me quite a lot to post this as I feel
such a sense of embarrassment and shame… However, I’m really embarrassed to admit that I barely have any friends at age 35. I’m not really sure how I’ve got here. Particularly female friends.

My partner and I are TTC, which is lonely in itself so I am not a Mum and cannot connect to other females in this way. I’m on a TTC thread on here which is helpful 🩷

I work from home- so my job itself, although people orientated, is pretty damn isolating. It’s a remote job and everyone works across the country.

I have a couple of female friends my age I made through previous workplaces and through university that I stay in touch with. However, many of them live an hour and a half away from me at different parts of the country. I don’t see them regularly. It might be once a month, if that.

I don’t have any siblings. My partner works in London. Just very lonely really.

My mental health is not great as a result, but I would love to meet new people and have a better social life. I just have absolutely no idea how to do this at my age and stage of life.

Does anyone have any ideas?

I’ve tried exercise classes - people keep to themselves. I want to make meaningful relationships where we can see each other and speak regularly.

I really am open to suggestions. I feel I’ve a lot to give friendships. I’m a girly girl, love walking, hiking, spas, eating out, travel, dogs, shopping, movies, music, concerts, food, cooking, baking.

@CrystalSingerFan I've only just been saying I'd like to try bellringing! Just to give it a go really. The problem is I'm a bit of an ardent atheist so I'm a bit unsure about being involved in anything connected to the church. I need a secular bellringing society!

I’m another one who found long lasting connections through volunteering, though I have to say it took a couple of years. What I would say is if you meet even one person who is what I call a social node (invites you to things, brings friends together) say yes to EVERYTHING from them. Also don’t be afraid to throw parties! I find as I get older that people are much more positive about coming out. I had friends who invited people over for Sunday brunch. Or just a neighbour bbq, even if you have zero in common really.

I’d highly recommend racket sports for making friends. By their very nature, you need to seek out others to play with and they tend to be very sociable communities.

Pickleball, Padel, badminton etc, all great for adults and many cities will have clubs open to beginners. I’ve made tons of friends this way.

I’m in Kent. If near you - happy to organise something!

I wish I had a “social node” as a friend 🥹
I can’t help but feel a bit like that’s me currently. I held a housewarming party and just invited lots of my mates from different places. Sadly my friends don’t seem to do the same in return. Good point about the social node… I like the idea of Sunday brunch that’s really cute.

prob with hosting is I get very tired and feel a lot of pressure. I would love to throw a BBQ

Since my brother got a dog he has made lots of friends in the local park
seems lots of people make friends that way too - doggie dates can help
where are you based ? I’m in south London

I have had people tell me I’ll make lots of mum friends from mum groups if I have children but I also raised the point that you might not necessarily because you might be put in a group with ppl who are nothing like you, much younger, big difference in values etc etc. so it’s not a guarantee to be relied upon!
Peanut sounds great tho.

Give it a go! As far as I can tell, there's no belief requirements. I'm an atheist and have every intention of trying it.

I just wonder what you mean by ardent? I get the impression there might be believers who ring bells and for me, I'd just not engage in any discussion about religious beliefs and, if asked, point out that I'm an atheist. But I used to know another atheist who wouldn't even go into architecturally marvellous, historically interesting churches and cathedrals. That's not gonna work for bellringing. 😋

I walk my dogs daily at our local park.., nothing more than a few brief exchanges :( not to mention everyone seems to be 45-60+ lol so not great for me.

I should’ve lived in London. I dream of living somewhere trendy like Greenwich, Richmond etc

I haven't read all the replies but I'd recommend a team sport, I saw you mentioned parkrun but from experience that's not really somewhere you can make friends but something like a running club or doing C25K - I did this and have made some amazing friends.

Walking groups, volunteering, choir, Reformer Pilates. And many evening class which ends at the sort of time you can suggest a drink in the pub afterwards.

Most of my friends now are from my am dram group. I will say though that it took me about 5 years of being in the group before I made real friends there. My experience is that friendships (especially deep ones) take time. It has to be a hobby you love, not just a way to make friends, and the friends come in time.

Other friends are from church (obviously a tricky one if you are not religious, though many churches are very welcoming of all people no matter what their beliefs) and volunteering.

I LOVE parkrun (like literally obsessed) but can see it’s hard to make friends there, especially if it’s a big one. There are 700+ people at my local parkrun so not easy to get to know people, though some of the smaller ones I’ve visited seem to have wonderful communities, especially the team of volunteers.

I was always crap at team sport at school or so I thought …..in my 40s I have tried Tag Rugby which is a mixed sport and is really social, google TTR , I got injured and a friend I met through tag introduced me to walking football and I’m now in a local women’s team. Team sports are great for meeting a lot of people quickly and you feel like you are part of something which makes you feel better and not so lonely . Exercise classes just don’t have that team vibe . Working from home is really lonely I agree . If you’re living in an area that’s not offering you much opportunities for connecting with people then seriously think about moving. I’m naturally an introvert so I have found it so hard to push myself to meet people but it’s absolutely worth it just persevere .

Where in Kent, Peony? I’m on the Kent/East Sussex border, around the same age as you and enjoy similar things to you.

Pick better activities. I go to kickboxing and because you are always paired up for drills you get talking. It's also dreadfully hard so you bond quicker than with ordinary classes.
Or pick a sport where you have to do a full on beginners course like archery or fencing and you will be together for ages with lots of new starters.
I ended up volunteering for an official position at archery.
WI is a great shout too.
I've used meetup to meet people for fungi walks and so on.
Just pick anything.

Know that you're not alone!
I'm 47 this year and have virtually no friends. I've had difficulty with friendships my whole life for a few reasons...
I've moved around a lot and have spent no more than 3 years in any given job.
I don't have kids so haven't had the opportunity to make 'mum friends'.
I've had a few girlfriends that have made a move on males I've shown an interest in - but they weren't interested until I pointed out I liked the guys in question.
I've been the instigator for catch ups with friends, without it being reciprocated, and I've found myself being the 'I have no better option ' option for so-called friends.
I've always been generous when it comes to paying for things, but I've had a number of girlfriends that have tried to take the absolute p*.
I go to the gym (for gym sessions and classes), but most female gym goers go there with friends or family, or they simply know everyone already (I live in a small town, but have only been here 4 years).
I have a very small but dysfunctional family. It's a 2 hour drive to the nearest relative. I don't really speak to or see any of them. They've never shown any interest in anyone other than my sister (which she is oblivious to).
It can be very lonely at times. But when I remind myself of the one-sidedness and energy and money I've sunk into friendships in the past, I feel a bit better about my situation.

It is also for people who are TTC too. And if you are potentially moving country you could make friends elsewhere in the world.

Back when mumsnet started there were meet-ups! It’s grown too big now but perhaps if there are Kent people of a similar age here you can all message each other? I guess safety is key but you never know… or meet at a park run?!!

Have you got a local running club? if you like park runs, it would be a smaller and in my local area friendly group.
The other way a lot of my colleagues have found new friends is the local theatre company, they rehearse for the January Pantomime from about September onwards, and have lots of social meet ups and fundraising days during the other months.
You don’t have to be musical or go on stage, one helps with make up and costumes, another stage directions and prompts.
It seems like such a good community when I have more time I will definitely join.

I am 25, I have no friends of my own!
I work in a male dominated industry and I am ‘Friends’ with them but we don’t hang out. One is a similar age to me and married, I went to his wedding, one of only a few from work, and he will occasionally send me a work related meme while we are at work and we chat about home and family in the office.
my ‘friends’ i do hang out with are actually my partners friends and their girlfriends and while i think they are great and we all have fun if I wasn’t with my partner I wouldn’t take these friendships with me.
i had one friend I kept in touch with from school but she decided she was better than me when she brought a house and got engaged and I was happy still renting and not being engaged to my long term partner so I just drifted apart from her. And honestly - I’m not at all bothered! This might be different if I didn’t have a partner and adopted his friendships though

Definitely not alone OP, I have children and still feel like this. Just because someone else has a child doesn't mean you will get on and have things in common.
I've made a list of suggestions from here to follow up on but the thing that sticks out is the posters stressing it takes time. I'll try and remember this myself in the coming months.

I know how you feel. I was terribly lonely myself a few years back in my mid twenties, my journey to motherhood was emotional, painful and left me feeling like an outsider to the rest of the world.
We were lucky to have a healthy boy after IVF and I made some wonderful friendships during pregnancy and motherhood.
I attended NCT classes which were fantastic and everyone there remarked how lonely they felt and that they wanted to make friends. I made a friend who shared my due date, two years later and we still talk most days and meet at least every other month. After I gave birth I joined an app called Peanut.
Peanut connects people in all stages of parenthood (TTC included) and the friend I made there is someone who is absolutely one in a million.
Wishing you all luck ❤️

So much good advice already, but I also wanted to recommend reconsidering joining Facebook - you don’t have to post anything actively on your own wall etc, but it would be really worth joining a few local groups - they can be really useful and interesting and I often see posts about new social or walking groups etc for people who want to meet new people/make new friends etc.

I’m in my 50s and have no social life or friends either. I’m also in Kent moved here twenty years ago, before that I made friends wherever I had lived.

I’ve had a dog zero friends that way and I’ve had a child zero friends that way either.

I am currently as a last ditched attempt trying a WI.

I would recommend listening to Mel Robbins podcast, who has at least 2 episodes on making friends as an adult and how hard it is to- also suggestions how to do it! She just changes your mindset about it in imho and feels inspiring.
I would also recommend c25k and volunteering as a Marshall for Parkrun- the people are all sociable, friendly and not cliquey- but you def have to go and then keep going. Just throw yourself in! And if you move then you can carry on wherever.
good luck!
it IS hard, time and again, but just keep on trying x