Lacking adult female friendships - help.

[PeonyPatch]

It has taken me quite a lot to post this as I feel
such a sense of embarrassment and shame… However, I’m really embarrassed to admit that I barely have any friends at age 35. I’m not really sure how I’ve got here. Particularly female friends.

My partner and I are TTC, which is lonely in itself so I am not a Mum and cannot connect to other females in this way. I’m on a TTC thread on here which is helpful 🩷

I work from home- so my job itself, although people orientated, is pretty damn isolating. It’s a remote job and everyone works across the country.

I have a couple of female friends my age I made through previous workplaces and through university that I stay in touch with. However, many of them live an hour and a half away from me at different parts of the country. I don’t see them regularly. It might be once a month, if that.

I don’t have any siblings. My partner works in London. Just very lonely really.

My mental health is not great as a result, but I would love to meet new people and have a better social life. I just have absolutely no idea how to do this at my age and stage of life.

Does anyone have any ideas?

I’ve tried exercise classes - people keep to themselves. I want to make meaningful relationships where we can see each other and speak regularly.

I really am open to suggestions. I feel I’ve a lot to give friendships. I’m a girly girl, love walking, hiking, spas, eating out, travel, dogs, shopping, movies, music, concerts, food, cooking, baking.

I understand this loneliness OP. Like you, I have no siblings, no other close female relatives and no children.

I have managed to make one good friend through Bumble BFF and also some friends via my office job.

I get it, OP.

I found myself feeling a very similar way when I was in my mid/late 30s.

Things that I did...

I started going to BMF sessions.
Took up yoga.
I was in a choir and made efforts to be more sociable within that (eg going to the pub after rehearsals)
Took up Lindy Hop (very sociable!)

I also found that going to gigs in local pubs helped. Most of my friends now are people I met through that.

One thing I would say is be open to being friends with women who are older than you. A lot of my friends are 10-15 years older because, at an age where i was looking to go out and make friends, a lot of women of my own age were doing the family and kids stuff at home and were nowhere to be seen! Now I'm in my early 50s, I'm starting to meet new women of my own age because their children have grown and flown.

Check out your regional Outdoor Adventure Girls group. They host hikes which attract a wide range of ladies, and it's very social. I am 40 and have made a couple of good friends from the group who I chat with regularly and have been on some holidays with. People I can count on - proper friends. And a wider social circle of people who are not quite friends but I can go have coffee or lunch with. If there isn't an event near you, anyone can host one. I like to host because then I pick somewhere near me! I think there are a lot of people who will know exactly how you feel. Both my husband and I had lots of friends in our 20s but in our 30s couples split up, people had kids (we dont) and people moved away.

@PeonyPatch I think this feeling lonely and isolated is much more widespread than many of us realise. Its also easy to see someones photos on facebook or hear someone’s conversation about going here there and everywhere with friends and feel lacking.

I felt like this when I was your age TTC and being a mature student with low contact hours it can be very isolating and also at other stages.

Try striking up conversations with neighbours, people in your corner shop, admire a neighbours garden and some will chat for a bit, maybe get a dog as dog walkers are usually pretty friendly and you get to see the same people and dogs etc etc.

Maybe look at joining or starting a bookclub (as already discussed), could you maybe volunteer in your local community, host a summer BBQ or drinks party (invite some neighbours or locals along and a couple of old friends), go to a craft day/workshop (either go on your own or ask someone you know loosely to come along). Could you and DH maybe do a dinner party or games night. Could you organise a work social. Look out for a local walking, baking, cooking, film club or start your own etc. Friendships can take a goodly while but the more connections you make however loosely you never know whether they have a sister, daughter, neighbour, work colleague who you could get on brilliantly with and the more connections you make the more chances you have of finding people you connect with or friends for a reason, a season or for life. Good luck.

I agree that most women seem to have female family members that they do things with, and its tough when you don't (I don't have this either), it would be lovely to have the safety net of this.

It is really hard @PeonyPatch but hopefully this thread has shown you that you are by no means alone!

I am naturally quite shy and quiet so have really, really needed to push myself outside of my normal comfort zone when I found myself in a similar situation to you.

I joined a CrossFit gym and made some friends through that. I think what helped most with that was that I joined up to a beginner's programme, so was grouped with other people who hadn't been before/didn't know anyone. That made it much less daunting! And then when you start doing proper classes you often have to work in pairs so it forces you to chat to people you otherwise wouldn't. I no longer go as tbh as well as being shy im inherently lazy 🤣 but still have a handful of friends I made there. I forced myself to do things like suggest a coffee after the class with people I didn't know which I found really hard at first but just powered through as realised otherwise I wouldn't get anywhere. I realised that not everyone will be proactive in inviting me to coffee, but would happily accept if I suggested it, until an actual friendship formed. If that makes sense?

I know it's not helpful to you just now but I made the most friends after my kids started school. I didn't really make any long-standing friendships from baby groups (but I know lots of people do!) but once the kids were at school I'd arrange play dates and meet ups and make myself speak to other parents at the school gates. I think for me I've realised over time that you do need to put yourself out there!

And don't be disheartened either - I joined a book group after thinking that would be a good way to make friends but just didn't click with anyone.

I'm also a lot more open minded about who I think is want to be friends with. Age is irrelevant - I've now got a great friend who is 15 years older than me, I'm not sure younger me would have seen the value in this! - and I've realised I just want to be around people I like, regardless of age/what we have in common.

I don’t do anything with female family members. I think that just happens in certain families.

I have a close friend who seems to be a collector of people. She has friends from junior school, along with new friends from secondary school, friends from everywhere she has ever worked, neighbours, tennis friends and first time mum friends, partners friends wives and girlfriends etc etc. She is in a relationship, has 4 grown up DC and she is rarely ever in or still. She is always going out for a meal, going to see a concert, going away for the weekend or going to somebody or others party. She is absolutely lovely, wherever we go she knows someone personally I would find her life exhausting and she obviously has a much bigger social battery than I have. We are all different.

I don't think it's embarrassing to not have many friends in your mid-30s especially as that is the time that a lot of people have babies and young children.

I do have to say that having a young baby was probably the most lonely time in my life so it's not automatic once you have children you'll make friends via NCT or the like. I put myself out there like nobody's business and did make some friends eventually but most were friends of 'convenience'. Only two of my longstanding friends had children at the same time as me (30). Out of my NCT class, the two ladies I got on with best, moved away after a year and I didn't keep in touch with the other two.

You've had some great advice on here and I agree the best place to make friends is probably 'organically' through a hobby group as you already have that in common. I've never made friends through the gym or a choir (I found it quite cliquey and I went with a friend anyway and we left after two terms).

As an adult I've made friends through the school run (and now my children are grown have lost touch with most of them), work (this was probably the most successful in my 40s and early 50s) and most recently through another friend - we are in the burgeoning stage of friendship with a couple we've met at parties a few times over a couple of years!

Tennis, I say the same to everyone of these threads. Its incredible social. I suggested to a friend of mine that had the same issue, she is not remotely sporty but has met so many people. She plays a few nights a weeks , some weekends. They often go for a drink, coffee afterwards. Its actually hard not to make friends doing it.

I'm still intrigued about the lesbian towns - where are they?????

👀 👀

Yes, I think I would find that too much for me! I’d rather a handful of friends that I am close to!!

Good question. I asked ChatGPT and got a list of 10 options. Hebden Bridge, West Yorkshire was top. HTH.

That’s interesting, thanks. I can’t see us moving to WY, but it might be helpful to others!

Can anyone confirm or deny if Hebden Bridge has lots of dynamic, middle-aged lesbians (or not)?!

I think the feeling of loneliness is more common than you realise and just by speak out about this it helps you and others.
Try look for things that align with your interests, volunteering, park run, running clubs, book clubs etc and if there isn’t one set one up yourself. I’m sure it would not only help you but others too.
We had fertility issues and were able to attend some support groups for this and this definitely helped with the isolation related to that.
Good Luck with it all x

Bit old fashioned now but Ladies Circle was set up exactly for this reason.
WI have groups for younger working women
Volunteer at a local stately home
Ramblers are also a good shout
Knit and natter style groups

What is ladies circle? X

I just goggled it and it is a group for women to the age of 45, and aims to promote friendship and also raise money for good causes. My mum was a member and then she was moved to Tangent and had life long friends from Circle. The website looks fab, they are paddle boarding and doing a park run, and you can find your local group really easily.
Sport clubs were my interest, and hockey/ tennis/ netball and bowls are my thing