Lacking adult female friendships - help.

[PeonyPatch]

It has taken me quite a lot to post this as I feel
such a sense of embarrassment and shame… However, I’m really embarrassed to admit that I barely have any friends at age 35. I’m not really sure how I’ve got here. Particularly female friends.

My partner and I are TTC, which is lonely in itself so I am not a Mum and cannot connect to other females in this way. I’m on a TTC thread on here which is helpful 🩷

I work from home- so my job itself, although people orientated, is pretty damn isolating. It’s a remote job and everyone works across the country.

I have a couple of female friends my age I made through previous workplaces and through university that I stay in touch with. However, many of them live an hour and a half away from me at different parts of the country. I don’t see them regularly. It might be once a month, if that.

I don’t have any siblings. My partner works in London. Just very lonely really.

My mental health is not great as a result, but I would love to meet new people and have a better social life. I just have absolutely no idea how to do this at my age and stage of life.

Does anyone have any ideas?

I’ve tried exercise classes - people keep to themselves. I want to make meaningful relationships where we can see each other and speak regularly.

I really am open to suggestions. I feel I’ve a lot to give friendships. I’m a girly girl, love walking, hiking, spas, eating out, travel, dogs, shopping, movies, music, concerts, food, cooking, baking.

Oh, maybe “ardent” was a bit strong! I visit churches quite often and will attend services when needed for weddings etc and even a good evensong occasionally the music. I think I wanted to clearly distinguish from being agnostic or just not religious. I’d find being part of a church focused community uncomfortable.

@CrystalSingerFan pinkspeakers=irregularegular, just different log in.

I’ll DM you 😊

Errr?

I feel very similarly

I started to worry something was wrong with me, but remembered I have friends a distance away.

Have a young DC but struggled with mum friends too. I’ve trying to say yes to every invite but not made long lasting meaningful friendships. Work is tricky, hybrid working, sometimes it’s easier keeping work and personal lives separate I’ve found in past

I have heard from multiple people that CrossFit/hyrox similar style gyms are very sociable, and mix exercise with social events. I hope to try this one day when I have more free time - good luck TTC, it’s probably the wise to try more things now whilst you have a bit more free time :-)

Hiya. I'm 33 and lonely as well. Have friends but they are all preoccupied with their own lives. This age is definitely hard and one of the loneliness times.
I'm also single as well so don't even have a partner to do anything with :(

If you want to pm you can do. I'm located in the North west.

Thanks for sharing the realities…
if it’s any consolation, you actually sound like a great person. I’m sorry people seem to have taken advantage of that in the past.
I also seem to be the instigator in many of my friendships too - seems to be a trend! If I take a step back and don’t plan anything with them, it can go weeks… months… without us meeting. I find it upsetting and it takes a lot of energy to keep initiating! I also have a friend who seems to use me as a bit of a sounding board as she’s going through a divorce… never seems to be free to meet up either as they have a son.

Another thing to add - most of my female friends have sisters, and I’ve noticed they tend to do stuff with them. I don’t have that, so find myself at a loose end.

DH is up for being social and meeting new people, so we are going to try some of the suggestions on here together. I suggested bell ringing to him and he laughed!!

I love the idea of a team sport or art class currently or possibly volunteering. Just need to find the right ones, but I’m in the exploratory phase of this change of mine I’m making, lol.

Aww lovely. That is hard. Bless you. I’m happy to PM you. Have any of the suggestions on here given you some ideas at all?

@Philbobs a lot of that is near to the mark for me too - and I’m a sociable and caring friend as well , I find a lot of people very flakey these days.

You asked irregularregular about being an atheist, and then pinkspeakers replied, but they are both me.

Sorry, bit cryptic!!

You sound lovely. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences 🩷

I’m age 35.
2 sons. One is 3 and one is 8 months
I stay with them all day, work in the evening
gosh it’s lonely!!!!!
maybe we should be friends.

Ooof that sounds like a handful. I feel this way about my two dogs, but nowhere near the same as two children under 5 I imagine 😅
Whereabkuts are you located?

I feel like I should start a service a bit like Peanut but arranging regular meet ups specifically for women across the UK - wouldn’t that be a great idea.

Most of my friends now are from my am dram group. I will say though that it took me about 5 years of being in the group before I made real friends there. My experience is that friendships (especially deep ones) take time. It has to be a hobby you love, not just a way to make friends, and the friends come in time

I also met my circle through a hobby. A hobby with a WhatsApp group is also useful, an easy, no-pressure way to keep in touch and it’s so easy to ask if anyone fancies a coffee/drink etc

I do a lot by myself. I don't mind my own company usually, but it gets very lonely when you see groups enjoying themselves out together.

But then I remind myself that even if you're in a group, someone in that group could be feeling very lonely and masking it.

Where are you located? I'm north West.

I started an adult tap dancing class a few months ago. It feels like a team sport as we are trying to keep up with the teacher and each other! It's actually very difficult which leads to a bit of bonding as we all ask each other for tips and there are opportunities to chat before and after the class. I've found this much better than a fitness class or similar things where people are just there to do the activity and aren't interested in getting to know anyone else.

A couple of years ago I did a bee keeping course where I met really interesting people! There is also a sense of community as people need help from each other (you can't really ask your neighbour to pop over to check on your bees when you go on holiday).

Good luck OP. I hope you find what you're looking for.

You sound lovely.
I’ve always found clubs really good for friends, running club or swimming club - going through shared pain is very bonding !! Or book club or walking club for a gentler experience

I am in Kent too and while I have some mum friends which I met when my kids started school, I still feel lonely sometimes. If you're near me, I'd love to meet up for a walk/ coffee/ drink. I found that when my kids were little, I did not make many friends, it was more when they started school.

I don't know if this will make anyone feel any better but I think as we move through different life stages, we do naturally shed and hopefully make new friends so inevitably there will be times when we feel lonely. Media makes out that friends should last a life time, something I once believed, but actually that isn't true. Yes there are a few friendships that last but many friends are only for a season. When I had young children, I made quite a few close mum friends. My children are young adults now and although I am still friendly with many of them, I feel myself and them heading towards new chapters in our lives. I don't know whether these friendships will survive a life not centred around our children!

@PeonyPatch
"Another thing to add - most of my female friends have sisters, and I’ve noticed they tend to do stuff with them. I don’t have that, so find myself at a loose end."

Yes, agreed. Although I have a sister she's never been interested in spending time together. For many years I've seen her about once a year and it's always been on her terms - she rejects suggestions I make. I've found that most females have at least one relative (sister, mum, aunt, nan, or otherwise) they're close with. So it feels doubly hard when you have neither close family nor true friends.

I wish you the best of luck with the social activities by the way. Here's to meeting others that give back as much time and energy as you give. 🤗 And also the very best of luck with TTC. That can also be very lonely and emotional. x

@PeonyPatch I’m 37 in Surrey. I’d love to make a friend if you would like to dm me.

What is wrong with having friends older than you? Are you limiting yourself by rejecting people not your age?

Morning - no absolutely not, I have a couple of friends who are older than me and have kids etc I.e. 40s/50s. I just feel I need a few more friends a little bit closer in age to me. I’m completely open tho.

I’ve just tried to dm you but for some reason it won’t let me, feel free to dm me instead 😊

I agree with you - I often think about this, and I’ve read articles that suggest you naturally drift apart from friends / people. I also feel that friendships require both people in it to maintain and nurture it and when it’s only one of you, you can find it’s just not really giving you what you need.

I also think (maybe an assumption) many people don’t want to go out of their way to maintain friendships e.g. they’d rather just hang out with people who are very local to them and fit around their lives…