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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

pushed him too far :o(

56 replies

inpieces · 27/05/2008 17:43

am a regular and namechanged for this

DP declared yesterday that he loves me but i have pushed him away and he doesnt know if we are going to make it.
We have 2 beautiful children together, but things have got in a rut.....i have been suffering from depression and am on medication which hasn't been easy but he feels that i have pushed him out of my life and doesnt know if he wants us to work it out. he is here for the time being but it is cutting me up not knowing.
I dont know whether to fight for him or let him leave

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PuppyDogTails · 27/05/2008 17:47

I am so sorry you're going through this. Him leaving it all up in the air for you just makes it unbearably difficult. It sounds to me that you really want to fight.

I have no suggestions to make, I just didn't want your post to go unnoticed.

hls · 27/05/2008 17:51

What would help you find out if you want to fight for him? Why have you pushed him away? Counselling? talking it though with him?

Are you feeling like this because of your depression? Has your GP suggested CBT or counselling instead of medication?

YeahBut · 27/05/2008 17:52

Well, I'd consider Relate as a first step before considering a separation. Also, if your depression is not under control and causing real problems, you need to see your GP / mental health professional for a review. Perhaps a change of medication or a course of therapy might be useful.

Original poster
inpieces · 27/05/2008 17:54

thanks......i just didnt realise what a major fuck up i have made untill now and i just feel that it is too late for me to do anything about it, i am absolutely heartbroken and want him to want to get through this but i cant make him have feelings that aren't there.
I am just devestated, my poor babies

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Original poster
inpieces · 27/05/2008 17:55

i dont know if he would consider relate TBH with you...i am willing to do anything but he is adament that he thinks we are going to seperate

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Original poster
inpieces · 27/05/2008 17:57

I know that i have pushed him away but i have also felt that he has no idea what i have been dealing with in coping with my depression, i am not the easiest person to live with, but i never thought he would throw the towel in....i feel ashamed that i didnt see this coming

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OverMyDeadBody · 27/05/2008 17:57

He said he loves you though right? So feelings are still there.

Do you think he is right? Have you pushed him away? If so it might just take an aknowledgement form you that you shut him out without realising but now that you are aware of how he feels you will make more effort not to?

hls · 27/05/2008 17:57

Why does he think that? can you explain what you mean by you have pushed him away? do you man your illness has made you unemotional, or that you are cold towards him?

Even if he won't go to Relate, you could go alone.

Miggsie · 27/05/2008 17:58

I was depressed and did this to my DH, he only told me after I had recovered from the depression as he said it was "unfair" to load it on me at the time.
My DH is so emotionally self sufficient our therapist friend says he is scary, therefore I would recommend some form of counselling for both of you (but separate)..ask DH what it is he feels is pushing him away, you may not even realsie what you are doing and how he is interpreting it...this will help you understand how he feels nad he can put his thoughts into words. If you know what is wrong, you can then start to put it right, let him know you want to sort it out.

When you are depressed you are a different person (I was) and he needs to realise the woman he fell in love with is still around and can be back in full, with a little time and help.
Explore more options with qualified professionals to see what can be done to help you feel better.

OverMyDeadBody · 27/05/2008 17:59

Sounds like maybe it is communication that has broken down? Perhaps you need to let him in more so that he does have a better understanding of what you are going through? If you have pushed him away and bottled up your feelings of course he isn't going to know what you are going through.

The lines of communication can be reopened though, don't give up just yet.

PuppyDogTails · 27/05/2008 17:59

My gut feeling is that if you both love eachother then it isn't too late.

Original poster
inpieces · 27/05/2008 18:00

i have acknowleged that he is right that i have pushed him away and that i am going to do everything i possibly can to make the changes, but he thinks it is all too little too late and that i am prolonging the process. he said he does still love me but not like he used to because i have pushed him to the brink deep down i know he wants to go

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OverMyDeadBody · 27/05/2008 18:00

and what do you want inpeices?

Original poster
inpieces · 27/05/2008 18:02

i would go to relate....a lot has happened over the years in our relationship. I have suffered with miscarriages and family deaths...it has all taken its toll on me. When i am unmedicated i am a horrible person and i say the most cruelest things, i have just taken him for granted and now not only me but my kids are going to pay the price for it

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Original poster
inpieces · 27/05/2008 18:03

I want to change and show him that i can be the person that he respects and loves....i want us to look back in tyhe future and for him to thank me for not letting us give up

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hls · 27/05/2008 18:06

then if he really loves you, he will agree to counselling-can you tell him that?

Original poster
inpieces · 27/05/2008 18:07

i want the reassurance that we are going to make it but he cant give it to me...i am in limbo and really dont know what to do for the best

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Original poster
inpieces · 27/05/2008 18:08

i dont feel like the ball is in my court at all regards to make such a demand of "if you love me then we do counselling"
i think he will just tell me it is my fault and that i have no right demanding anything from him

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hls · 27/05/2008 18:12

What do you mean by "the ball is not in your court"? it's YOUR marriage as well, fgs!

Sorry, but I can't understand that comment.

You don't KNOW what he will say- what you ARE doing is preventing any progress, by assuming the worst possible outcome, before you have even asked.

ASK HIM_ and if he says "No" then you have some sort of indication of just how much he really does or does not care for you.

It sounds as if you are under his thumb and not an equal in the marriage is that the case?

PuppyDogTails · 27/05/2008 18:17

I think your DH needs to be a bit clearer with you about what he sees as happening - you've said things like "he thinks we are going to separate", which doesn't help you at all. What does he think is going to happen which will decide whether you separate or not? I think this is why you feel a bit out of control here.

Original poster
inpieces · 27/05/2008 18:17

absolutely not.....but i just cant see how i am going to make him want to work at this relationship....al i get from him is
"i'm here aren't i"

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Divastrop · 27/05/2008 18:18

im pretty sure this is the depression talking,i mean,that you arent seeing things how they really are due to your distorted thinking.

depression often causes us to feel guilty when we have nothing to feel guilty for-its not you who's 'pushed him too far' its your illness,which is not your fault.

my dh said some nasty things to me when i was first pregnant with dd3 and severely depressed,but they came from his frustration at knowing i wasnt 'myself' but not being able to do anything.however,realising i could lose him,i asked him(well,broke down and begged him)to come to the doctor with me,as i found it hard to tell them exactly how bad i was feeling,and i always got told i was 'stressed'.

things gradually improved after that,we got married last year and i feel we are equal again.

Original poster
inpieces · 27/05/2008 18:20

thanks diva....i ma going to the doctors tomorrow and have asked him to come with me, he might have a better idea then...i am just so messed up at the minute

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Tortington · 27/05/2008 18:22

somones presence is not nearly enough.

there is little point in you trying after coming to this revelation - if he doesn't want to try.

its both or nothing.

if this is some " you have treated me like shit now its my turn " crap then tell him to piss off.

he either wants to work with ou to work it out or he doesn't but this

i am a martyre becuase of you - therefore i shall punish you bullshit is unhelpful

Original poster
inpieces · 27/05/2008 18:28

custy you are so right but i just cant bring myself to face the alternative at the moment, i love him so much and feel like a failure to him and my kids, i just want to escape right now

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