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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

pushed him too far :o(

56 replies

inpieces · 27/05/2008 17:43

am a regular and namechanged for this

DP declared yesterday that he loves me but i have pushed him away and he doesnt know if we are going to make it.
We have 2 beautiful children together, but things have got in a rut.....i have been suffering from depression and am on medication which hasn't been easy but he feels that i have pushed him out of my life and doesnt know if he wants us to work it out. he is here for the time being but it is cutting me up not knowing.
I dont know whether to fight for him or let him leave

OP posts:
Original poster
inpieces · 27/05/2008 18:35

i cant understand why i cant be dignified and not beg him to want to stay

why cant i at least say i have my pride?????

OP posts:
Tortington · 27/05/2008 18:39

i wouldnt let this threat hang ove my hea i would say -either we work on it love, or don't le the door hit your fat arse on our way out

PuppyDogTails · 27/05/2008 20:07

Because you love him inpieces.

lucyellensmum · 27/05/2008 20:07

In his defence, it is hard to live with someone with depression. My DP and i have been here more than once. But he is still here and we are getting much stronger Ive had the whole, "i have no feelings for you""i can't look at you" bullshit, but admittedly it was taken back within hours.

Saying that, him making you be in limbo is not fair. Im not sure i could, but my advice would be - Tell him to leave, he can't torture you like this. It may well just be the kick you need to keep him. If he really wants to go, sooner or later, he will, so rather get it done with. I know that sounds harsh, but in the long run, its better than not knowing. I have lost count of the times that i have told my DP to leave due to my depression. If he actually did, i would be horrified and devestated, it could be the same with your DH. If you pushed his hands....he might just realise what he has to lose

madamez · 27/05/2008 20:11

It is very, very, very hard and draining to live with someone who suffers from depression. There comes a point when the partner of a depressed person has to cut him/herself off (especially if the depression is not being treated or not improving). I am not saying this to blame you because you can't help being ill, but it sounds like what your DP needs is a bit of a break. Is there anyone else from whom you can get support? Is there anyone from whom he can get support? Because often partners of depressed people get very unhappy but can't get anyone to take care of them, because all the available caretaking (from other family, friends etc) is going on the depressive.

Divastrop · 27/05/2008 21:17

are you getting any treatment apart from medication?

its difficult to be dignified when depressed.feeling so needy and vulnerable can lead to the belief that you cant possibly survive without your dp/h,which in turn leads to begging etc if they threaten to leave.

the thing is,if the worst were to happen,you would cope without him.yes it would be hearbreaking and difficult at first but you would get through it.

but i personally think he loves you and doesnt want to leave you,all he wants if for the depression to go away,which it will.

fawkeoff · 28/05/2008 14:27

cant even be arsed to namechange anymore.......update:

he is leaving and i am ok with this, we have spoken to our daughter about it and she seems okay with the fact that daddy is having a new house, so that has made it a bit easier.
i just cant fight anymore, we might feel differantly in the future but we are in agreement that the kids come first and we are being as friendly as possible

just wish it didnt have to come to this

fawkeoff · 28/05/2008 14:32

i know that things have gone too far for us both at this moment in time. If i am being completely honest i am relieved in a way......i have been questioning my feelings for him for some time as well and feel that we have just been plodding along for the sake of routine. Iknow that he loves me and i love him but not like we used to.....it's got to be better than hating each other????? i just dont know how to feel

Divastrop · 28/05/2008 15:45

he is leaving without even trying councelling or anything?.im so sorry,i really hoped it would be different.

fawkeoff · 28/05/2008 16:07

yeah he doesnt want to try anything......he said to me that he would stay and "try", but i know his heart is not in it and agreed that we should split up. I feel up and down at the moment,we have agreed that he should find a place local for the kids benefit...get this though, his fucking brother has just rung to ask me if he can move in for a few weeks . just gonna have to keep my chin up and deal with the rocky road ahead......easier said than done

lucyellensmum · 28/05/2008 17:43

you dont have to do anything, his brother will just have to understand. Im very sorry that you have to go through this

PuppyDogTails · 28/05/2008 17:48

I'm so sorry it's got to that stage. To be honest you sound a lot more relaxed and relieved about it than you did yesterday. I guess that knowing where you stand now is going to make it easier to deal with.

fawkeoff · 28/05/2008 19:46

thanks for the messages, they mean a lot at the minute......he has been tonight to spend time with the kids and give them a bath etc.....starts saying shit about
"who knows what will happen in a few days" im very sorry but i am not being dicked about, i know he is grieving because his grandmother has just passed away but there is now way i can live in limbo land while he decides what he wants, so things are just the same i am more upset when he is here, i can get on with things when he isnt here or ringing me.

PuppyDogTails · 28/05/2008 19:53

Could you go out when he comes round to spend time with the kids? Even if it's just to the supermarket. Will give you a bit of time to yourself but more importantly it will mean you don't have to interact with him when you don't want to.

fawkeoff · 28/05/2008 19:56

he also thinks that me pushing him away has nothing to do with my depression, that "you dont push people away when you've got depression" i told him that if he had bothered to go to the doctors with me on the numerous occasions i have been then he might understand a bit more

fawkeoff · 28/05/2008 19:59

well he is coming round tomorrow morning so i am off out...i have told him that already,i cant deal with sitting here going through the motions over and over again, he really seems so confused but then adament this is what he wants. All i know is that i have to be strong for my kids and for me too....i still have my pride in tact....for now

lucyellensmum · 28/05/2008 20:02

Is there the possibility that he is depressed too? I am convinced my DP is/has been, as the rough times that contributed to my depression happened to him too. Its a shame he wont consider some counselling - bloody men can be so bloody minded. You are right though, he can't keep you dangling - you should remind him of that song by the beautiful south

PuppyDogTails · 28/05/2008 20:04

Your strength will get you through this and will make sure that when everything comes together again it will be on your terms.

HaventSleptForAYear · 28/05/2008 20:05

So sorry this is happening to you, don't really know what to say because it's difficult to see where your DH is coming from and hard to predict what's going to happen.

Sounds like the whole "avoiding him" for the moment is a good plan - gives him a chance to miss you if he is going to IYSWIM.

for you - hope you have a good support network nearby?

fawkeoff · 28/05/2008 20:07

i have said to him that he might depressed but he doesnt think there is anything wrong him i need to do this my way to get through this....have told him that we just need to ring each other when it concerns the kids, not for a chit chat....no falling into bed with each other and coming and going because it just wont work...all or nothing so it's nothing at the minute

fawkeoff · 28/05/2008 20:10

yeah i have a good support network, my bestest cousin in the world is coming up from brighton to be with me...it's also our nans birthday but she is coming up earlier to support me....my family are being supportive and i have told them that they have to take sides and not have anything to do with him because they all adore him....just taking this with baby steps....everyone thinks that this is the quiet before the storm phase but i think i will be okay

fawkeoff · 28/05/2008 20:10

they dont have to take sides that is supposed to say

lucyellensmum · 28/05/2008 20:13

You WILL be ok, you will have ups and downs, but in the end, no matter what happens, you'll get through this.

fawkeoff · 28/05/2008 20:20

i friggin well hope so, it is so quiet at the minute,DS is asleep and DD is watching shrek 2 with the cat....i have exams next week!!!! what a time to pick eh lol

lucyellensmum · 28/05/2008 20:22

focus on your exams - it will keep you sane. He must not be able to call the shots.

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