Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

Poor bloke. You are exhaustingly needy and unreasonable. He should walk away - fast.

OP, you don't need therapy for your relationship worries. You need therapy for YOU. Take the whole relationship and this poor man out of the equation and start getting therapy for your anxieties and control issues.If you can work out why YOU behave as you do and why your reactions are so extreme, it will help towards you managing your emotions in your relationship. Because none of the ways you currently behave are normal or acceptable.

”I didn’t want to cook and clean all day. So now he’s slowly demanding I pay for portion of the bills and split chores down the middle. Which I agree as soon as my debt is paid off”

so you stopped him seeing his friends and he pays for everything? Come on OP.

It's stressful just reading this, imagine living with it.

You sound like you are an abusive person OP.

You won't even let your partner have a shower.

He is talking to himself, and you run in and demand to know what he is talking about, and you think that he is talking about you

#savetheboyfriend

I haven’t read the whole thread
but you sound like bloody hard work
batshit crazy
and your poor bloke can’t even have a shower in piece without having to justify to you what he’s doing

honestly if I was advising your boyfriend I would be telling him to fuck you off

you aren’t going to get better with your issues and his life will be better without someone listening in at the door when’s he having a shit shower and shave

actually I think your abusive and controlling and if a bloke woman was saying her boyfriend behaved like you I would be telling her to run and don’t stop

Please just leave this poor man. I feel suffocated just from reading your post, cannot imagine what it must be like living with you.

it is completely abnormal to interrupt someone in the shower, at all, then repeat the same weird thing again and again. You focus on him cutting you off - he was trying to have a fucking shower! He was in the middle of doing something that makes him happy, debating, and you shat all over it. You say you don't normally listen to him in the shower. After 20 years with my DH you know how many times I have listened to him in the shower? Zero. You have no respect for his boundaries or even him to invade his privacy like that. There is no justification.

He must be so excited about his podcast and you have made it all about you. He is tired and not feeling himself and you get in his space, making it about you because you take his tiredness personally. Stop being so needy. Not even a child needs as much constant attention as you. 2 nights to talk about YOUR feelings, what about your husbands feelings? His feeling of having personal space. His feeling of being on eggshells over YOU. You are completely selfish.

this level of need and paranoia are not normal.

Leave the poor bloke alone to prepare for his podcast FFS!

He pays for everything at the moment yes. Because I really need to pay off of my debt. I’m working hard now to make money as well to pay this off and start contributing financially.

This is really sad because from all the descriptions here, this relationship is going to break up at some point (which it sounds like would be the best thing all round) or even sadder, just stay together and be in this same cycle over and over

Maybe one day you'll come to the realisation that the first option is the best option

OP in an earlier reply you wrote this,
The fights usually start like this. I know that I have problems I need to work on.
You're going to lose him and it will be because of this.

Even if the breathing problem wasn’t there, why was what you wanted more important than what he wanted? You wanted to walk around after the meal, he didn’t. Why do you automatically believe you should both do what you want?

Gently, your way of dealing with the world is very disordered and focused entirely on your own feelings and perception. Which is skewed.

You need some proper psych input to help you with your resilience and anxiety and hopefully to help you understand the difference between an emotional want and a psychological need, so that you can start factoring in empathy for others. The way you interact with your partner just now is appalling and he cannot win. You will drive him away if you don't change.

On a side note - prepping for a podcast doesn't mean that he is the one running the podcast. I've been on a podcast once as a guest, talking about a subject I'm interested in / trained in. Too bloody right I practiced what I would be saying.

Where does it say Asia?

Why was your other thread deleted @togo1004

Your Russian, you live in Asia, what made you choose uk mumsnet for advice.

I think I remember you now from a previous post. Are you the lady who works part time but is too tired to do chores so your DF works full time, does most of the chores and pays all of the bills as your income goes towards your debt?

Because we always just eat and go home. I got upset because this is what we do all of the time.

Ive told him many times that eating together isn’t a date. He finally realized it and will change.

but if last 10 “dates” were eating and going home, then this time why can’t we walk around,?

But right now you don’t. So do you do all the majority of the housework (it’s clear he does the cooking from your previous post) while he works to pay for everything so you can clear off your debt?

He is not your emotional support dog. The poor bloke. He is a person with feelings, wishes, emotions and needs of his own.

He pays for everything because YOU need to pay off your debt. Debt you accrued. Not him. And now he's financing you to pay it off, you're too tired to work much you say, and when he's home he's berated in the shower, can't see freinds alone, can't even rely on you to let a maintenance man in when he's out working.

This is what they call a parasitic lifestyle

in her rice cooker post. They live in Asia, he is Asian and she is Russian.

I have never said this before on mumsnet but LTB!

By the way, this message is intended for your fiancé and means Leave the Batshit. Please pass it on to him.