Therapist feedback and want your opinion on her feedback

[togo1004]

my last thread got deleted, but some of the folks here know that I’m currently in therapy for having a rocky relationship with my fiancé.

i recorded a conversation that I had with my fiancé which turned into an argument and had it sent to my therapist and this was her feedback.

to preface this, the fight started when he was taking a shower and I heard him talking to himself as he normally does. I couldn’t hear the words but it sounded pretty negative. So I walked in and said “what are you on about?” He replied “I’m just practicing my speech. I’ll be doing a small podcast and debating on topics from money to relationships and I was just being a devils advocate for myself so that I can cover if there are any holes in my argument”

then I said “you sound negative” then he replied “I’m not being negative, debates can become passionate but nobody is insulting each other. Then I replied “but you sound negative”. Then he said “it’s not negative why are you keep sayin it’s negative when it’s not negative”. I told him that the way he was talking in the shower made me feel pressured. He then said “why would you feel pressured when I’m not talking about you? I’m just practicing my talking skills”. Then I replied “you sound negative and it’s giving me pressure and..” that’s when he cut me off and said “why do you always have a problem with me? Every few days you have some sort of an issue with me when I’m just minding my own business, I cannot understand at all, is there a problem?” I started crying and started to say “I just wanted to talk about how you made me feel when you do these things and..”. Then he cut me off again by saying “I don’t get it, I’m literally just talking to myself, I’m whispering which means you had to try to listen so hard to listen. If it bothers you so much, why are you listening?” That’s when I broke down and left the house for a walk.

my therapist said we are both wrong here. She said that “I need to learn to let go of these things especially when he mentions that it has nothing to do with me”. And she said he’s also wrong for “not validating my feelings and refusing to understand how it makes me feel when he talks to himself with such a tone and cuts me off”

We didn’t go into further detail than this we will go over Thursday.

what are your thoughts on this MN?

Ah. Yes!

It’s what she admitted to in the last thread
he hasn’t seen his friends for 6 months because she threatens to collapse on the floor through anxiety attack at the idea of it (she claims she did collapse)

she said she realised it wasn’t good and she needed to work towards allowing him to go out but she ‘wasn’t ready’ and now it’s escalated into following him into the shower. If this is real then I think he is at risk of physical violence tbh

This is exactly what I think I'd read if we ever got to hear the other side of an abusers experience. No insight into their own behaviour, no empathy for the distress their partner is in. No recognition that they are abusive. Obsessive. Its a horrible read

Your therapist sounds unethical.

It is not acceptable behaviour to record private conversations and share them with a therapist.

They should have told you that.

Are they a BACP counsellor?

OP do you really not see how emotionally abusive you are? It doesn't really matter whether or not you think you have a good reason to be emotionally abusive, do you see that you are being abusive?

On your dinner walk example, suppose he hadn't been having trouble breathing but just wanted to go home because he wanted to go home. Would you have thought it was ok to shout at him then because he wanted to do something different to you? You were entirely wrong in that situation regardless of whether or not his reason for wanting to go home was 'wrong' - you simply don't get to shout at someone because they don't want to do what you want to do.

The way to deal with the fact that you feel you want to do more than just have dinner and go home, is to discuss it calmly, and in advance and work out a compromise. It seems from what you've said that you never mentioned before that this was an issue. Why hadn't you if it was such a big deal to you? You don't seem to be hesitant in raising things that are a concern to you normally.

So because you wanted to walk around and he didn’t (for whatever reason), you got upset. Because you didn’t get want you wanted. Does what he wants ever factor into things? Or it’s fine, just as long as his wants align with yours at any given moment?

Can you genuinely not see how controlling this is?

You sound horribly controlling and intrusive. If I were your partner I'd be running for the hills!! Leave him alone to shower in peace - listening with your ear to the door is absolutely crazy 😳

Ok, I have a husband who bottles up his annoyance sometimes (avoiding rows in front of our son), and he'll chunter away to himself in another room (except our house is open plan and you can hear him).

So I understand that this can feel pressuring and aggravating to have someone. (If I can keep the arguments in my head until an appropriate time, so can he - or just come out with it in a normal way!)

But you're massively in the wrong here, and your therapist isn't helping you if they're not making it totally clear that coming into a private space/moment and trying to control how someone behaves there is in itself aggressive behaviour. His responses cutting you off are appropriate when you've invaded his space to control his feelings.

Ditch the therapist, ditch the relationship, sort yourself out elsewhere.

It started when I looked into his phone and read texts between him and his best friend that he wasn’t “sure” about me.

I bet he's not sure! He soon will be sure - that he needs to get the hell out and never look back. You sound like you have a ton of issues and damage to unpack and in the meantime are channelling all that at these tiny non-issues like some talking in the showering or not walking as much as you want. You'll never be happy and he can't do the right thing no matter what. But you're not going to listen and end it so hopefully he'll have to find the energy to do that somehow.

That poor, poor man. You are TORMENTING him.

How can you not see how completely abnormal your behaviour towards him is?

Mind boggling. You got more and more insufferable with every post OP. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship AT ALL!

Didn’t OP in her last thread say it was online (ChatGPT?)

Probably not BACP as they're in Asia.

No, in itself it isn’t, but the way you go about it is abusive. The man can’t do anything right, and he can’t even shower now without having to explain himself and then he’s in the wrong still.

Her therapist is AI?

Christ, if this is the case then this thread is madder than I thought. Why would OP say 'her feedback' if it's ChatGPT? Or indeed call that a therapist??

Not sure but I think possibly?

OP, is there a reason you can’t split up? This relationship is a very bad and unhealthy relationship? Is your debt stopping you from splitting up?

Seems like something was a bit triggering for you when you heard him talk to himself and maybe to do with his tone of voice. Maybe explore that.

And it's perfectly reasonable for him to expect you to contribute to the household finances. It seems he was ok taking on the financial burden if you were willing to take on more of the household chores. However you don't want that sort of traditional split of responsibilities. That's fine - I don't either. However, then you need to pull your own weight financially unless he wants to fully subsidize you - your debt is not his problem (unless it's joint debt in your name, which you haven't mentioned).

Please don't bring children into this. If you think your fiancé doesn't validate your feelings enough because he tries to set boundaries around your abusive behaviour, you aren't ready to deal with a child who probably can't even comprehend that you actually have feelings!

Please for the love of god set this man free. You didn't want to accept last time that you were acting crazy. Please listen today. You were in the wrong.

It doesn’t make any difference what anyone posts here, OP simply responds with more & more self-justification based on her very narrow view of what’s going on. It seems she is obsessed, and threads like this one (and the previous one deleted) and her therapy sessions and the “two evenings a week to talk” simply feed this, not assuage or guide it. I feel really really sorry for her fiance and hope he gets out ASAP

I think the therapist is a red herring - relationships shouldn't be so hard. Why are you marrying someone in which you describe the relationship as rocky? Rocky does not a good foundation make.

I might be wrong. Just had an inkling it was mentioned in her last thread (again about not feeling validated, etc). I wouldn't swear on it though and don’t want to find and trawl through a previous thread. (OP can correct me if I’m mistaken).