My sister moved house without telling us

[OliveIsMad]

I got a text from my sister today to say that she’s moved house and here’s her new address. Hadn’t told any of us that she was moving house or even that she was thinking about it.

She does this all the time. She didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she was about six months along — she just turned up one day with a bump and was like, Oh yeah, we’re having a baby lol. And when she had the baby, she didn’t tell us until the next day when she got home from the hospital. None of us even knew that she was in labour. She literally had a whole baby and then told us that she had given birth THE NEXT DAY once she was home. And we barely see the child (now 2) and my own mother has only held her granddaughter a handful of times. Bear in mind that my sister lives about ten minutes away. (The new house is also ten minutes away but in the opposite direction. I only know this because I had to Google the address.)

You know how I found out that she ran the London Marathon? I found her participation medal in her car. Turns out, she’d trained to run a 5k, then trained to run a 10k, then a half marathon, then a marathon. Took her two years. None of us even knew that she could run. Hadn’t thought to mention it.

She gets promoted or changes jobs, buys a new car, goes on holiday and we only hear about it weeks, months or even years later. She mentioned in passing once that she’d been to Australia. It was YEARS ago. She went to fucking Australia for like two weeks and literally none of us knew.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out. My other sister is also like this, although she still lives at home so partly it’s because of proximity. But my big sister acts as if she doesn’t give a toss about any of us.

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us. I get that she’s big on independence, but there’s being independent and then there’s just being a bitch. If she thinks of us at all, it’s as an after thought.

Gah. Rant over.

I can totally see why your sister is the way she is....

Running every tiny thing past your mum sounds claustrophobic as hell.

Your sister has boundries and doesn't want to involve you all in absolutely everything (which sounds exhausting) and that's fine.

She's not being a bitch, she's just different to you

You're enmeshed with your family (running every decision by your parents? Seriously!) and she's independent. It's something you need to learn to deal with. Personally I hate enmeshment, it's suffocating.

Running every decision past your mum as an adult is odd and there's nothing unusual about not telling everyone you're in Labour and announcing it once baby is here safe and you've got 5 mins to yourself. I suspect she holds back because the rest of you have a slightly unhinged idea about how much scrutiny you should have of her life.

I’m happy for your big sister, she seems to be having a ball!

I mean, you can criticise your sister all your want but let’s be honest op, I wouldn’t say your ‘normal’ is particularly healthy or anyone else’s idea of normal either!! You sound completely enmeshed with your mother.
Just accept people are all different, that’s life!
one of my sisters is like yours, she moved to the other side of the country and only really mentioned it the day before she went. That’s just how she operates!

You are far too invested in your sisters life.

I didn't tell my sister until the day after I had had dd. In fact the only people we told onnthe actual day were my parents and her dad's parents.

She's a grown ass adult. Why does she have to tell you anything?!

My sister behaves like you...we have been nc for 6 years and its been bliss!

Gakekeeping her own life 😂

No wonder she keeps herself apart.

I have a close (in the biological sense) relative who treats friendly enquiries about her family as if they are hugely intrusive. I'm not talking about probing questions, but "how's X?" about her husband or child would either be ignored or met with a frosty "It isn't my place to say". We haven't been in touch for a long while because she has made it almost impossible to have a conversation.

I literally have no idea what car my sister drives. If she told me she was thinking of buying a new one I wouldn’t care. I’d politely pretend to while wondering why she was telling me - had she run out of anything interesting to say.

I didn’t tell anyone I was in labour.

My sisters and parents don’t know that I run. It’s not a secret, it’s just very mundane so I don’t think to mention it really.

I don’t understand why you’re running every kitchen decision past your mum. Will she be living there? I can understand why your sister backs away from this tbh.

You're two extremes, most people lie somewhere in the middle. Neither are wrong if it makes you happy.

I'm more like your sister, my husband is more like you. I value my privacy and independence.

This, well done ops sister from.escaping this mental enmeshment! @OliveIsMad do you have a dp? If so what happens if your parents.and his don't agree with wallpaper/paint choices?

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us.

this is what most people do - you are the odd one here really

You have different values.

You value a close family relationship as an adult. She doesnt.

She is happy with boundaries she has around her life. Your happy with yours.

Neither is wrong once they work for you. She probably thinks like many on this thread do that your enmeshed with your mother.

I have a similar relationship with mind and my siblings we are genuinely friends.

Some of friends are similar some arent.

We didn’t tell anyone when we moved house until it was all done. Got settled then told them. Didn’t want their opinion or unwanted comments until it was a done deal.
not the same as a pregnancy but when I had a hysterectomy didn’t tell them then either. Once I was home and recovering I told them

WHO in their right mind invites additional opinions into the utter hell that is planning a new kitchen??!

I’m just like your sister, my family know very little about me, for a few reasons, but mainly because I don’t matter as much to them as they all do to each other. They will be just like you, ranting about it, but totally uninterested in my life, they just want to know so that they don’t feel ignored/left out not because they are genuinely interested in me. And probably what makes the whole situation worse is I don’t care.

Sounds like she’s having a whale of a time.

She sounds great!

Yeah I think I can see why...

She sounds like she's not a bitch abd she sounds happy and successful to be honest... she doesn't want her life scrutinised a s everything she does discussed. I am a bit like that.

Is this a reverse? It's barmy enough to be.

Gosh you sound intense, why do you need to know every detail of. Her life? She chooses not to tell you. Not because she doesn't love you or want you in her life but she wants to keep her own space and sanity.

#teamyoursister

I'd love to hear her perspective on your family dynamics

She sounds awesome - ive learned the hard way not to announce things before theyre complete and it sounds like she has too

It just sounds like you’re not really that close. Taking the Australia scenario for example, she went away for a fortnight and you didn’t know. So assuming it’s normal for you to go 2 plus weeks without communicating with her. Like I’d know my brother had gone away because I see him around once a month and speak on the family whatsapp every couple of days. So it would come up organically. You just don’t sound close. I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong.