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Original poster

My sister moved house without telling us

417 replies

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 20:55

I got a text from my sister today to say that she’s moved house and here’s her new address. Hadn’t told any of us that she was moving house or even that she was thinking about it.

She does this all the time. She didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she was about six months along — she just turned up one day with a bump and was like, Oh yeah, we’re having a baby lol. And when she had the baby, she didn’t tell us until the next day when she got home from the hospital. None of us even knew that she was in labour. She literally had a whole baby and then told us that she had given birth THE NEXT DAY once she was home. And we barely see the child (now 2) and my own mother has only held her granddaughter a handful of times. Bear in mind that my sister lives about ten minutes away. (The new house is also ten minutes away but in the opposite direction. I only know this because I had to Google the address.)

You know how I found out that she ran the London Marathon? I found her participation medal in her car. Turns out, she’d trained to run a 5k, then trained to run a 10k, then a half marathon, then a marathon. Took her two years. None of us even knew that she could run. Hadn’t thought to mention it.

She gets promoted or changes jobs, buys a new car, goes on holiday and we only hear about it weeks, months or even years later. She mentioned in passing once that she’d been to Australia. It was YEARS ago. She went to fucking Australia for like two weeks and literally none of us knew.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out. My other sister is also like this, although she still lives at home so partly it’s because of proximity. But my big sister acts as if she doesn’t give a toss about any of us.

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us. I get that she’s big on independence, but there’s being independent and then there’s just being a bitch. If she thinks of us at all, it’s as an after thought.

Gah. Rant over.

OP posts:
ShesTheAlbatross · 21/07/2025 21:38

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 21:23

I don’t think she’s private, I think she’s secretive on purpose to make herself seem mysterious and interesting.

I’ve spoken to her about it and she said that she’s not as close with us (“us” being me, our younger sister and our parents) as we are with each other and has never felt that way and always felt like the odd man out, even when she were kids, which is absolute BS, we were very close as kids. We were always a very close family and I don’t get why she’s pretending otherwise. She also has some personal issues with our mum and dad that have been blown way out of proportion to the point where she’s basically saying that she has “childhood trauma”, which again is nonsense, we had an extremely happy childhood.

Show quote history

She told you how she feels, you presumably made it clear that you thought this was bollocks (maybe you did it politely), and now you’re wondering why she doesn’t share?

Original poster
OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 21:39

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/07/2025 21:32

How many years age difference is there between your sister and you?.

You cannot stare you all had the same childhood experiences as its simply not true . Her childhood experiences are far different to your own but you are not respecting that.

Why? It’s touched a nerve hasn’t it.

You ignore and or otherwise minimise the red flags re your parents because you are enmeshed with your mother. Minimising her experience as you are doing will not endear your sister to you.

We are literally 19 months apart in age. We were absolutely raised by the same parents and had the exact same childhood. Yes, our parents made some mistakes, but our other sister and I managed to get past it and see it for what it was, which was good parents who were struggling. Our older sister is the only one with a problem. Shouldn’t that be a red flag?

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 21/07/2025 21:39

Why do you think you have the right to dictate her life? No wonder she's low contact.

namechangeGOT · 21/07/2025 21:39

I’m the total opposite of your sister but this stood out in your post:

“I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in HER LIFE”

Her life.

What she chooses to share, or in her case, not share had nothing to do with you. She is absolutely within her rights not to tell you anything at all. So, she’s not a sharer like you (or me) are, but why does that make her a bitch? It means she’s different from you and your nosey, over the top reaction to how she goes about her life is probably indicative of why she doesn’t tell you anything.

DontTouchTheCakeAgain · 21/07/2025 21:40

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 21:23

I don’t think she’s private, I think she’s secretive on purpose to make herself seem mysterious and interesting.

I’ve spoken to her about it and she said that she’s not as close with us (“us” being me, our younger sister and our parents) as we are with each other and has never felt that way and always felt like the odd man out, even when she were kids, which is absolute BS, we were very close as kids. We were always a very close family and I don’t get why she’s pretending otherwise. She also has some personal issues with our mum and dad that have been blown way out of proportion to the point where she’s basically saying that she has “childhood trauma”, which again is nonsense, we had an extremely happy childhood.

Show quote history

Ooooop, there it is!!

fthisfthatfeverything · 21/07/2025 21:41

I agree with you OP to a certain extent. 6 months before she told you, not nice, she’s like a stranger.
maybe it’s just her way.

RepoTheGeriatricOpera · 21/07/2025 21:42

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 21:39

We are literally 19 months apart in age. We were absolutely raised by the same parents and had the exact same childhood. Yes, our parents made some mistakes, but our other sister and I managed to get past it and see it for what it was, which was good parents who were struggling. Our older sister is the only one with a problem. Shouldn’t that be a red flag?

Show quote history

You do realise that constantly seeking validation is also a trauma response to 'mistakes' even though you forgave your parents.

Your sister isn't a bad person for not 'getting past' a difficult childhood.

She sounds fantastic actually.

Sunflower459 · 21/07/2025 21:45

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 21:39

We are literally 19 months apart in age. We were absolutely raised by the same parents and had the exact same childhood. Yes, our parents made some mistakes, but our other sister and I managed to get past it and see it for what it was, which was good parents who were struggling. Our older sister is the only one with a problem. Shouldn’t that be a red flag?

Show quote history

For whatever reason, she sees it differently and considers it traumatic. It doesn’t mean you and your other sister are right and she’s wrong. Again, you can’t change or control her. But you can change and control your response. You say that she’s trying to make herself seem ‘mysterious’, but the impression you’re giving is that she’s living rent free in your head. It’s possible she’s not terribly bothered what you think of her at all. I think if you can let go of this you’ll be much happier.

SheridansPortSalut · 21/07/2025 21:45

I understand completly.

My sister is the same. I find it bizarre. I also get the impression that she has a chip on her shoulder about not being congratulated on the achievements that she keeps secretHmm. It's like she keeps a tally in her head of all the ways she was wronged but most of them either didn't happen or they're situations that she engineered herself.

Richiewoo · 21/07/2025 21:46

Omg your poor mum. You can't make a decision without your mum. How sad. I understand why your sister is the way she is.

londongirl12 · 21/07/2025 21:47

I’d say you should take a leaf out of your sisters book.

PlasticAcrobat · 21/07/2025 21:47

Our older sister is the only one with a problem. Shouldn’t that be a red flag?

I'm seeing a different red flag. These two sentences seem like the classic family dynamic of turning on the child who has been somehow hurt and blaming her for puncturing the illusion of a perfect family.

Sunflower459 · 21/07/2025 21:47

RepoTheGeriatricOpera · 21/07/2025 21:42

You do realise that constantly seeking validation is also a trauma response to 'mistakes' even though you forgave your parents.

Your sister isn't a bad person for not 'getting past' a difficult childhood.

She sounds fantastic actually.

Show quote history

This point about seeking validation as a trauma response is a good one and worth pondering.

Painrelief · 21/07/2025 21:48

For the record I’m just like you and I would find your sister weird too . Unlike most posters on here …

I must have an enmeshed relationship with my family too 🙄 coz I would find it as odd as you do if my family were like your sister . I see as caring about each other and I feel families who are not like mine are cold and not very close to each other and that’s not what we are about .

saraclara · 21/07/2025 21:49

She's a bit towards the extreme end, but I was like that with my mother, too. Though I'd probably have mentioned the pregnancy and the house move a bit earlier. And as I rarely saw my brother, he didn't get to know much either. I certainly went on plenty of holidays and had hobbies without either of them knowing.

Denimrules · 21/07/2025 21:50

I don't think either your approach or your sisters is typical. I'd been trying to have a baby for years when I found out I was pregnant. DH and I didn't tell anyone for 12 weeks, we then told our parents and siblings and a few close friends. With going into labour, well you don't hear people say that in your head do you???? Proud Dad rings people up that are close family to say baby's here.

I kind of see it with the house moving.

Original poster
OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 21:51

SheridansPortSalut · 21/07/2025 21:45

I understand completly.

My sister is the same. I find it bizarre. I also get the impression that she has a chip on her shoulder about not being congratulated on the achievements that she keeps secretHmm. It's like she keeps a tally in her head of all the ways she was wronged but most of them either didn't happen or they're situations that she engineered herself.

Edited

We have the same sister.

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 21/07/2025 21:51

Having a private life isn’t “gatekeeping”. You’re not entitled to any personal information she doesn’t choose to share. She clearly doesn’t have or desire a close relationship with her family. Your irritation is a strong clue as to why.

Anyonecanachieve · 21/07/2025 21:52

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 21:39

We are literally 19 months apart in age. We were absolutely raised by the same parents and had the exact same childhood. Yes, our parents made some mistakes, but our other sister and I managed to get past it and see it for what it was, which was good parents who were struggling. Our older sister is the only one with a problem. Shouldn’t that be a red flag?

Show quote history

I believe from your posts that what you are doing is probably minimising childhood trauma and abuse.
Your sister sound so much more mature and ‘normal’. She has her own hobbies and discusses them with her friends or her family (ie her husband or children etc) as she wants.

She chooses as an adult to buy a house and doesn’t drama it eg discuss every detail but she tells you nicely that she’s moved and bought a different house.

My older sister (18 months) said we have the same childhood we didn’t. She was the golden child and I was hit daily. She was given everything eg house, car etc and I wasn’t as ‘it couldn’t be afforded’ - all childhood assaults on me are me not realising that ‘a quick slap’ was discipline in the 1980s - etc she kept saying this until we went NC.

You tell your parents everything and get their opinion. She sounded entirely sane in a potentially highly abusive family. It sound like she being older maybe saw it more for what it was?

She sounds like a lovely normal person with clear boundaries - you don’t.

CaptainFuture · 21/07/2025 21:52

PlasticAcrobat · 21/07/2025 21:47

Our older sister is the only one with a problem. Shouldn’t that be a red flag?

I'm seeing a different red flag. These two sentences seem like the classic family dynamic of turning on the child who has been somehow hurt and blaming her for puncturing the illusion of a perfect family.

This, and with the dsis being the oldest, it's very likely she was hit the hardest by what you twee-ly describe as your parents whoopsie imperfect parenting.. who told you it wasn't a big thing. Them?

JLou08 · 21/07/2025 21:53

Why do you think you are entitled to know everything your sister does? As soon as she does it or as she is planning it? I don't even think of the need to consult anyone (other than my DH or DC if it impacts them) when I'm planning something. I don't think about sharing news about moving jobs or holidays with anyone either, it just comes up in the conversation naturally. You sound quite suffocating.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/07/2025 21:54

Less than two years apart does not make you the authority on her childhood. You allude to mistakes your parents made but those mistakes are missing. Constantly seeking approval and or validation for your own choices is a trauma response even though you forgave your parents. Why do YOU need your mother’s approval for your kitchen?. Your sister has every right to keep details of her life private whereas you’ve been conditioned by your mother to have little to no real boundaries. You’ve never really been allowed to grow emotionally and become your own person.

Your sister had the sense to get away from the enmeshment in your family of origin. She’s not the red flag here; it’s the rest of you as her family of origin.

DiggingHoles · 21/07/2025 21:55

OliveIsMad · 21/07/2025 21:23

I don’t think she’s private, I think she’s secretive on purpose to make herself seem mysterious and interesting.

I’ve spoken to her about it and she said that she’s not as close with us (“us” being me, our younger sister and our parents) as we are with each other and has never felt that way and always felt like the odd man out, even when she were kids, which is absolute BS, we were very close as kids. We were always a very close family and I don’t get why she’s pretending otherwise. She also has some personal issues with our mum and dad that have been blown way out of proportion to the point where she’s basically saying that she has “childhood trauma”, which again is nonsense, we had an extremely happy childhood.

Show quote history

With all due respect, you were not there ever second of every hour of every day of her life. You don't know what she has been through. Who the fuck are you to tell her that her experiences are bullshit?

You all sound very entitled. Leave her alone. You don't have a right to the details of her life. You're lucky she tells you anything at all. "Gatekeeping"? WTF? It does not apply to this situation. Get real and get some therapy, because you desperately need it. At point this consider yourselves extremely lucky she is still talking to you, because it seems she has one foot out the door already and for good reason.

Learn to mind your own business and to be happy when other people have good experiences.

Cynic17 · 21/07/2025 21:56

But she has told you, OP - she sent you her new address! She's just a normal person who wants to get on with her life, so why does she have to tell you everything she does? We all need a bit of privacy. I'm very much Team Sister on this one....

Actually, having read this thread in more detail, I'd never tell you or your parents anything again, and I'd move a very long way away. I couldn't live with this level of fuss, intrusion, dismissal and lack of boundaries.

Spirallingdownwards · 21/07/2025 21:56

She has a different relationship with your parents than you do. She engages with them and you in the way she wishes to. Good for her.

There is 16 months between my sister and me and we have very different recollections of what childhood was like. I was the slightly older one there too.

Often it is the oldest sibling that bears the brunt of issues in childhood.