My sister moved house without telling us

[OliveIsMad]

I got a text from my sister today to say that she’s moved house and here’s her new address. Hadn’t told any of us that she was moving house or even that she was thinking about it.

She does this all the time. She didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she was about six months along — she just turned up one day with a bump and was like, Oh yeah, we’re having a baby lol. And when she had the baby, she didn’t tell us until the next day when she got home from the hospital. None of us even knew that she was in labour. She literally had a whole baby and then told us that she had given birth THE NEXT DAY once she was home. And we barely see the child (now 2) and my own mother has only held her granddaughter a handful of times. Bear in mind that my sister lives about ten minutes away. (The new house is also ten minutes away but in the opposite direction. I only know this because I had to Google the address.)

You know how I found out that she ran the London Marathon? I found her participation medal in her car. Turns out, she’d trained to run a 5k, then trained to run a 10k, then a half marathon, then a marathon. Took her two years. None of us even knew that she could run. Hadn’t thought to mention it.

She gets promoted or changes jobs, buys a new car, goes on holiday and we only hear about it weeks, months or even years later. She mentioned in passing once that she’d been to Australia. It was YEARS ago. She went to fucking Australia for like two weeks and literally none of us knew.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out. My other sister is also like this, although she still lives at home so partly it’s because of proximity. But my big sister acts as if she doesn’t give a toss about any of us.

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us. I get that she’s big on independence, but there’s being independent and then there’s just being a bitch. If she thinks of us at all, it’s as an after thought.

Gah. Rant over.

Is she has issues with your parents, perhaps it is understandable that you only discover things after they happen. You do seem to share rather a lot with them.
You enjoy your life, and allow her to enjoy hers.

You didn’t have the same childhood though.

If she was the eldest her experience of your parents will have been very different to yours. You would do well to understand this.

“It may be said that no two children have exactly the same parents, in that the parenting they each receive may vary in highly significant ways. Whatever the hopes, wishes or intentions of the parent, the child does not experience the parent directly: the child experiences the parenting. I have known two siblings to disagree vehemently about their father’s personality during their childhood. Neither has to be wrong if we understand that they did not receive the same fathering, which is what formed their experience of the father. I have even seen subtly but significantly different mothering given to a pair of identical twins.”
Gabor Maté,

Try really listening to her and not invalidating her childhood experience and you'll likely find her much more interested in sharing her life with you..

What is interesting is how very angry you are OP about your sister living her own life in the way that she chooses. You are very accusatory, that she is 'gatekeeping', that she is trying to be mysterious.

I have a sibling and I ask about his life because I'm interested, but I'm sure there is loads of stuff I don't know and that's fine, it's his life. If he pulled away from me and dropped contact I would be sad, not furious. I would worry that there was something wrong or that I had done something to cause it, I wouldn't instantly assume he was doing from ill intent.

So, I'm wondering why you are so furious. There is something that you feel entitled to from her, something that is causing you problems (emotional or otherwise) because you don't have full access to everything about her life. If she was more available to your mother would that take some of the pressure of a suffocating relationship off you? Would giving your opinions on decisions and directing her life make you feel validated? If she's not available to be the family scapegoat is there a risk that you or your other sibling will get the brunt of it? Do you think that a family should operate in a particular manner and by going her own way she's spoiling the image of a perfect family?

Sounds like your sister is really mature and sorted

My mother and I have always been very close. But as an adult I realised that her desire to know every detail about every development in my life as it occurred was not helpful to me or healthy. E.g. if I went on 2 dates with someone as a woman in my 40s and then told my mum I’d met someone interesting, rather than wanting to hear about it she’d be “you’re so secretive, I can’t believe you’re only telling me this now.” If I tell her about things going on in my children’s lives, she’ll message them about it even if I’ve asked her not to. She just doesn’t understand boundaries. As a result I’m selective about what, and when, I tell her. Your sister sounds like she’s made a similar choice. She still wants a relationship with you all but without the unhealthy enmeshment/dependence the rest of you appear to exhibit.

A lot of people have made references to the “traumatic childhood” that my sister alludes to, and I wish I could give examples of some of the things she’s described so that you know how silly they are, but I don’t want to be too specific as I don’t know whether she uses Mumsnet. But it’s things like: one time our little sister was naughty and our mum slapped her on the arm and our older sister saw and got so scared that she screamed and ran away and hid. Our mum literally lost her temper one time and she’s holding a grudge about it all these years later.

Another example is that she (my older sister) had a bit of an issue with food during secondary school and our mum found out about it and didn’t give her the right kind of support — because it was the 2000s and no one knew about that sort of thing yet. I’m sure she’d handle it very differently now.

One time our mum threatened to send us all to live with our Nana and Grandad because we were being naughty. Obviously she was never going to do it, but my sister says she pretended to call them on the phone and asked them to come and take us away because we were horrible children. She talks about this like it’s emotional abuse but it’s clearly the actions of a desperate woman with three small girls whose husband was always at work. As a mother herself (as I am), I think she should feel sorry for our mum. She’s actually become even more distant since having her daughter, meaning that the poor kid barely has any relationship with her own family.

You do you and let your sister do her.

My DB recently told my mum he had a really happy childhood and she was delighted to hear it. I have horrific memories as I heard, saw and experienced different things to him. Just because you had no trauma OP, does not mean your sister didn't.

My BIL is super close to his mum and made it his life mission to try and guilt trip my DH into seeing more of her. She made a decision when my DH was a teen that he has had to live with and has affected him for the rest of his life and hurt him deeply. The brother did not have to deal with it. They had different childhood experiences.

BIL and SIL continued to be very overbearing... Unsolicited comments on our lives, our children. It drove us mad to the point we no longer speak.

I hope you can just accept your sister living her life the way she chooses which is not harming you nor your DM. If my in laws had done the same, the family might not have blown apart.

You can absolutely grow up in the same household, with the same parents, at the same time and have two very different experiences. Your sister is entitled to feel the way she feels about her experience and you are entitled to feel how you feel about yours. She’s an adult, she’s decided, on her own terms, how much involvement she wants with you all. Her life, her choice.

Also, to the people who’ve said that I’m the golden child and she’s the scapegoat — no. She’s the golden child. Our mum is the scapegoat.

Why are you angry about this? How is your sister protecting her peace and getting on with her life a problem?

id hate you as a sister op. Really really hate you.

I do things for me, not for everyone else to share and gossip about.

I do courses and join clubs and go on outings because I enjoy it. It fulfills me. Telling everyone what I’ve done and announcing it all does not. It leaves me feeling hollow.

maybe your sister is like me. Maybe ( most likely) this isn’t a spite or a secretive thing but she doesn’t get anything from sharing her life with you. She’d rather just do it and live in the moment of these things without judgment or criticism or the oneupmanship your posts exude. I bet she really doesn’t tell you because when she does you make it all about you.

Way to downplay her eating disorder.

Don't you think there was a reason your sister screamed and ran at violence?

And, yes, pretending to call someone and have you all taken away is emotional abuse. Which actually ties in with her having an eating disorder.

Hope she just cuts contact with you all and carries on having a great life.

Honestly I think she sounds perfectly reasonable. Why do you all need to know everything about her instantly? Why do you feel personally aggrieved by her decision to keep a bit of distance? Not everyone wants people throwing their tuppence in at every opportunity. Increased distance now she has a little one may suggest motherhood has actually convinced her even more strongly that your parents didn't give her what she needed. I'm betting at least part of that is not respecting boundaries, and her needs and wants as an individual. Everyone isn't the same. You need to respect that.

I can totally see where she’s coming from. My mother is a complete drama llama about absolutely everything and I didn’t tell her when I was in hospital for a month before having my DD prematurely, or when I had my hysterectomy, or when I got divorced, until everything was done and dusted. If I had she’d just have banged on and on about it, asking questions about minute and irrelevant details. I never told her I was going to a friends house because she’d want to know the colour of their curtains and how many toilets they had. Your sister has boundaries and that is to be commended.

And agree that having an ED is often linked to trauma - whether you agree she experienced trauma or not is irrelevant, if she did in fact experience it. We all respond to things differently. It sounds like you and your family need some therapy, not your sister.

This was my thought too.

There's no fondness or concern in OP's posts, just anger that she can't control her sister's behaviour.

Even in the latest update, the dismissiveness is incredible. Her sister had "a bit of an issue with food". Sounds like an eating disorder.

The noughties wasn't exactly that long ago either, I don't think that's an excuse for handling that situation badly.

Nobody has the "exact same childhood", for example the oldest of three will have had a time of being the only child, the middle child will have had a time of being the youngest and then when baby number three arrives they lose their baby status and become the middle child with all that this role can entail . We all have our roles both conscious and unconscious within our unique family stuctures. My father was vile to my brother without let up, alternatley over-loving then over-critical of me and doted on my little sister until she entered her teens. We did not have the exact same childhood but we are all pretty messed up in our different ways.

Missing the point at bit, but @OliveIsMad is your mother in law also consulted on every single decision about the new kitchen, or is it only your and your mum’s opinion that are ever right?

I bet it’s the latter.

If you don’t have a MIL, I imagine that if you ever do, you won’t r ever consult her, will be horrified if your DH does and always accuse her of interfering. Let’s face it, it’ll only ever be you, your mum, dad and other sister who are ‘right’ with everyone else - in your opinion - being wrong or a bitch.

It’s not your independent sister that has the issue.

She’s actually become even more distant since having her daughter, meaning that the poor kid barely has any relationship with her own family.

It's very common to realise how bad your childhood was when you become a parent. It's also common to want to protect your own child from it.

Playing down your sister's eating disorder is incredibly telling about the attitude in your family toward her. I assume if you explained exactly how your parents reacted it would also be very telling (and eating disorders weren't new in the 2000s).

I think you have misunderstood the concept of golden child - it is not possible for it to be the parent. The relationship you have with your mother, running every single thing by her is not normal and a strange dynamic. I don't blame your sister for her extreme reaction to what sounds like a very claustrophobic and unhealthily enmeshed family dynamic.

@OliveIsMad Your sister's behaviour sounds much more regular to me, than yours.
Also, she's been upfront and told you that she feels like the odd one out and that she has some issues with your parents. You've chosen to totally dismiss both of those personal revelations she's shared with you. I'm not surprised she isn't wanting to spend much time or details of her life with you.

Jesus christ you get worse.

So she had an eating disorder (which absolutely were a thing in the 2000's and well known about) and you have minimised it and dismissed it and nothing.

Your mum was not desperate. She was emotionally abusive. You have minimised and dismissed it.

Your sister is not the one with the issue.

If you had a very micromanaged childhood with your mum being involved in everything - even with the best intentions, I see why your sister maybe like this. Wanting to be independent and less tightly embroiled in family life. You live your way and she lives hers

Seriously she is the normal one and you are the one with issues.