My sister moved house without telling us

[OliveIsMad]

I got a text from my sister today to say that she’s moved house and here’s her new address. Hadn’t told any of us that she was moving house or even that she was thinking about it.

She does this all the time. She didn’t tell any of us that she was pregnant until she was about six months along — she just turned up one day with a bump and was like, Oh yeah, we’re having a baby lol. And when she had the baby, she didn’t tell us until the next day when she got home from the hospital. None of us even knew that she was in labour. She literally had a whole baby and then told us that she had given birth THE NEXT DAY once she was home. And we barely see the child (now 2) and my own mother has only held her granddaughter a handful of times. Bear in mind that my sister lives about ten minutes away. (The new house is also ten minutes away but in the opposite direction. I only know this because I had to Google the address.)

You know how I found out that she ran the London Marathon? I found her participation medal in her car. Turns out, she’d trained to run a 5k, then trained to run a 10k, then a half marathon, then a marathon. Took her two years. None of us even knew that she could run. Hadn’t thought to mention it.

She gets promoted or changes jobs, buys a new car, goes on holiday and we only hear about it weeks, months or even years later. She mentioned in passing once that she’d been to Australia. It was YEARS ago. She went to fucking Australia for like two weeks and literally none of us knew.

I tell my parents everything. We’re extremely close. We’re doing up our kitchen at the moment and I’ve run every single decision by my mum, she’s seen every paint sample, every fabric. I told her that I was pregnant the day that I found out. My other sister is also like this, although she still lives at home so partly it’s because of proximity. But my big sister acts as if she doesn’t give a toss about any of us.

I’m so sick of her gatekeeping absolutely everything in her life and not including any of us. I get that she’s big on independence, but there’s being independent and then there’s just being a bitch. If she thinks of us at all, it’s as an after thought.

Gah. Rant over.

Maybe she just wants to get on with her life without having her families opinions on everything?

Tbh the rest of you sound way too enmeshed in each others lives and unable to respect/understand that she could have a different perspective of your family than you do.

OP you share far too much. Running everything past your mother when you are a grown up is frightening. I think your sister is the normal one.

No.
If anything, I'd say YOUR behaviour is the red flag. Your insistence that she also 'get past it' and your minimisation of how your parents who 'were struggling' may have impacted her would not have me rejoining the bosom of the family.

Your sister's feelings are perfectly valid and the dismissal of those make her boundaries understandable. Good for her. She could have gone the other way and become enmeshed and overly needy in regards to your parents. She sounds like she knows exactly what to do to protect her mental health and not fall into situations and behaviours that jeopardise that. It's a good thing so you need to let it go.
Or is she an uncomfortable reminder of what 'getting past' it really looks like and the insistence that she be just like you and your sister just a way to validate your own choices?

OP how many children do you have? Because as an eldest child, I swore I wouldn't do all the typical "older child" things with DD, and yet when her brother came along it was really easy to see how these patterns in birth order happens.

Your sister is very unengaged from the family but she clearly has her reasons. I'm close with mine (and do run all decorating decisions by them because I find choosing colours etc really hard!), but your dismissive way of speaking of her shows us that your sister might have a point.

I’m on your sister’s side here.

My sister and I are 2 years apart in age but a million miles apart in how we conduct our lives.

My DM knows every single detail of my DSs life. I share almost nothing.

My DM would have no idea who I work for, what job I do, where or when I went on holiday even what school my DC attend. I just don’t see the need to share my life details with anyone other than DH and DC. I can’t be bothered with the banal chat and intrusiveness of it all.

You have very different personalities so it's normal to have reacted differently to the difficulties your parents experienced bringing you up. It isn't a red flag.

You have completely dismissed her experience so no wonder she doesn't feel part of the extremely close relationship between you, your other sister and your parents.

Why did you need to reject her experiences of growing up? Were you worried that if you accepted it, that it would tarnish your own experience or that it would make your parents less than perfect?

A lot of people would find the relationship you have with your parents claustrophobic even if they had a wonderful childhood. You can be close without discussing every little detail with them. Your sister has set healthy boundaries given that you don't respect her feelings.

How will you cope when your parents are no longer around? It sounds like you are storing up a lot of problems for yourself in the future. It would be no bad thing to start taking some baby steps towards being able to make decisions by yourself.

From your sisters point of view:

"I had childhood trauma due to my parents. I am the eldest so can remember more of it. When I have tried to speak to my sisters about this, snd how it still affects me today, they completely invalidated my feelings and minimised the trauma, essentially telling me to get over it because they had. The only way I can stay mentally healthy is to keep a certain distance from my family. Although I'm still in contact with them, I don't have the same relationship with them as they have with each other. They don't seem to be able to do anything independently, even pick a colour for their new kitchen, without running decisions past each other, and I don't find this level of interdependency healthy. Although I was happy with the relationship I had with my family, my sisters are now mad that I don't treat them the way that they treat each other. I don't want to stop contact with them completely but their obvious anger at my boundaries is making me feel very uncomfortable"

If anyone posted that, everyone would tell them to grey rock at best and cut contact at worst

Is your sister called olive by any chance, re your username?

I'm your sister in this scenario and i am estranged from my family. I do not believe your account, and I get the vibe that you and your family simply aren't nice to her.

She has no reason to lie about her childhood trauma, and deserves a better family 🥺. Wish her the best

I don’t believe most people think it is normal to move house and not tell anyone in your family that you were doing so. And I don’t understand that people are saying that op is barmy for wanting greater intimacy with her sister.

A colleague at work would probably tell people about the process of buying, selling and moving house. So why wouldn’t a sister? Telling people stuff doesn’t mean not having your own life.

I am someone who values their own space but what op describes of her sister’s behaviour is ridiculous.

I’ve started not sharing details about my life to close family.
The closer we are, the more toxic things are. I’ve found by setting boundaries, things are better

I'm confused. It's none of your business, she's an adult! It's really weird that you are accusing her of "gatekeeping ". This implies that you think you have a right to be informed. Its not possible to gatekeep your OWN personal information! Also referring to her behaviour as being a bitch, really really weird. She can do whatever she wants, seriously. Your constant consulting and sharing, however I would find that claustrophobic. She sounds intelligent and independent.

You didn’t have the same childhood. She had her childhood and you had your childhood. It was in the same place, with the same people but people’s experiences even of the same event can vary hugely. Some people find eg fun fairs thrilling and exiting, some find them stressful and loud. Some people would see shoplifting and think “good for them” and some would see that and feel unsafe.
it’s also about individual personalities and varying levels of anxiety and emotional resilience.
Maybe the way that you were parented suited you more than her?

The fact that you can’t see her point of view, or allow her the breathing space that she needs, is really unhealthy. This makes me think that there may be other unhealthy systems within your family that you are trying really hard not see and she can identify clearly. The fact that she is being “othered” also suggests some level of family toxicity

So you did have issues growing up...ever considered the fact that your experience as the younger child was not as traumatic as hers?

I don't get how you cannot see that you are the one whose behaviour is a red flag!

Good on her.
I wouldn't even let you have the address.

This is text book scapegoating. No wonder your sister doesn't feel close to you. If you have children you really need to look closer at this as it's often carried on through generations.

You absolutely did not have the same upbringing, even if you're close in age. You are different people. Life as an eldest child is different to life as a second/middle child and it's daft to deny this.

It doesn't sound like your sister keeps secrets for the sake of drama (unless she's really good at playing a long game). Imagine running the London marathon and you didn't even know she had started jogging! What would you have done if you had known, cheered her on or all had opinions on her training regime?

@OliveIsMad whilst I understand the messages feel (and are) late, this sounds like a strange dynamic and your sister is (rightly) protecting herself.

I think your sister is odd too. She doesn't have to tell everything but who moves house without mentioning it. It makes you think she doesn't care enough about you to involve you. I couldn't be bothered and I'd be the same back to her.

Another one who is #teamsister. And your replies so far on here only go to reinforce that view I’m afraid. Not one acknowledgement that “oh well, maybe I’m wrong on this”, but complete dismissal of both her views and numerous posters here.

I’m curious about this too. I’m not clear on the ways in which OP thinks that having immediate access to all of this information about her sister would improve OP’s life.

From your sisters point of view:

"I had childhood trauma due to my parents. I am the eldest so can remember more of it. When I have tried to speak to my sisters about this, snd how it still affects me today, they completely invalidated my feelings and minimised the trauma, essentially telling me to get over it because they had. The only way I can stay mentally healthy is to keep a certain distance from my family. Although I'm still in contact with them, I don't have the same relationship with them as they have with each other. They don't seem to be able to do anything independently, even pick a colour for their new kitchen, without running decisions past each other, and I don't find this level of interdependency healthy. Although I was happy with the relationship I had with my family, my sisters are now mad that I don't treat them the way that they treat each other. I don't want to stop contact with them completely but their obvious anger at my boundaries is making me feel very uncomfortable"

If anyone posted that, everyone would tell them to grey rock at best and cut contact at worst

OP, have you not stopped for one minute and thought that perhaps you were the weird one in your family?

It genuinely would cross my mind to tell
my brother or sister if I was moving house.

When I bought my house, I didn’t tell my sister until the day I got the keys. Because I knew well what she was like and I didn’t want an already stressful time exacerbated by her unwanted, unhelpful and utterly pointless opinions on it, her incessant questions, her suggestions of alternatives etc. It was a done deal when she first heard of it. She wasn’t happy, but that was her problem, not mine.

I value my privacy, even from family, in fact, especially from family members who think they’ve a right to know everything simply cos we’re faaaaaamily.

She's just not that into you, @OliveIsMad.