Craving Ambition and Connection... Is That Wrong?

[PapaPerspective]

Just looking for a bit of perspective really, especially from women who’ve maybe been where my partner is, or anyone who’s been through this sort of in-between stage.

Me and my partner got together young, early twenties. Everything felt exciting back then, and I genuinely couldn’t believe my luck being with her. She’s always been beautiful to me, and I still think that now. Back in the day, the love was huge, that proper butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling. If I’m honest though, the sex was just alright, not this mind-blowing thing you might expect or as good as less attractive women I'd been with. Didn’t bother me much because the closeness and comfort meant way more.

I didn’t always have the job and stability I do now. For years I was grafting, just getting by and trying to figure myself out, struggling tbh. She stuck with me through all that. I’ll always be grateful for it, because having her backing me when I was still struggling really did mean the world. Being skint kinda bonded us.

Now, years down the line, we’ve built a good life together. We’ve made memories, made a home, raised our kids – proper family stuff. But it hasn’t all been easy. We’ve had some bad arguments over the years, some that left a mark and weren’t easily forgotten. To be honest, a few years ago things got so rough I properly looked at leaving. Even when things picked up again between us, I don’t think I ever fully got that idea out of my head. Once you go there in your mind, it’s hard to act like you never did.

For nearly all our time together, I’ve been the one bringing the money in. I’ve always been alright with that, wanted to look after us. She spent years at home with the kids, which I absolutely supported, but they’re older now. At times we really struggled to have her as a stay at home mother, we don't regret it. She did a course not long back—out of our savings, mind—thinking it’d lead to something new, but there’s not been any work come from it. So it’s still just me keeping things ticking along. She'll not just get "any" job.

Intimacy’s quietly disappeared. We haven’t been together for months in that way. TBH I’m not arsed about it anymore. I’m not angry or bothered, it’s just faded into the background. Now and then I’ll look at her and still think she’s lovely, but the spark just isn’t there like it used to be. It's proper boring in that way. I still think I have a sex drive, though not comparable to my early 20s. It's just not I'm not with someone that excites me.

Something I probably shouldn’t admit, but I touched on the subject before.. I find myself really drawn to women with a bit of drive these days. Women who work, have ambition, are fired up about something. It’s not about money, I’m settled enough now myself . it’s just that spark and energy I admire so much. I miss it, if I’m honest. I wish that was part of what we had.
Sometimes I get this daft idea in my head that I’ll just meet someone amazing who lights my world up, but let’s be real – I know how dating in your forties goes. Online or otherwise, it’s a minefield and there’s just as many rough bits as good ones. The grass isn’t always greener, it’s just different grass, with all its own problems.

So I’m sat here, torn. I’m grateful for our life and what we’ve been through, but I keep wondering if most people just settle for what’s comfortable, or if it’s actually alright to want more. Has anyone been able to find that spark again in the same relationship, or does the idea of leaving never actually go away once it’s there?

Naturally my finances would take a hit as well as I'd rightly have to pay our maintenance whilst trying to pay for another home. And I'd probably be paying a lot more to rent a home worse than the one I currently have a mortgage on.

Would honestly appreciate any proper thoughts, especially from women who’ve been in these shoes. Sometimes you just need to hear from real people who get it.

Thanks if you made it this far.

I should add a few things I didn’t say before:
I’ve had therapy on my own in the past and found it effective—it’s helped me work through tough patches and see things with a bit more clarity. I’ve never tried couples therapy, though. Sometimes I wonder if that would make a real difference, or just confirm what I already feel.

One thing I keep coming back to is the kids. If I did move out, I know I’d miss them more than anything. The idea of not being in the house with them every day, not seeing all the little moments, is honestly the hardest part to imagine.
I’d probably be a mix of nervous and excited if things changed, nervous about the unknown, what life would look like apart, how we’d handle everything. But at the same time, there’s this small part of me that wonders if a big change might also bring some excitement or wake me up a bit.

Lately it feels like the clock is ticking...maybe this is just part of midlife, but I keep thinking, if not now, then when? That sense of time passing gets louder, like I don’t want to look back and wonder what could have been.

I am a woman with drive and ambition, not to mention success, and in all honesty I found your posts mind-numbingly dull. Maybe it's just me.

Bluntly put, I think the grass isn't greener.

Perhaps your partner, after having spent so many years out of the workplace, she never got the opportunity to build a career and has lost every shred of self-confidence and self-worth she ever had. Perhaps she is struggling to find her way in life now the dc are older. She's spent years being someone's partner or someone's mother. Maybe she doesn't know who she is any more.

I think it’s natural to feel the way you’re feeling after many years together.
I also think it’s unrealistic to expect the sexual connection between the two of you to be anywhere near where it was when you first got together. Believe me, foreplay starts the moment you wake up in that she needs to feel appreciated and valued. I expect she’s bogged down with the mundanity of life (and possibly doesn’t have much of a sex drive if she’s peri menopausal) and honestly can probably tell you’re no longer that into her.
I think most relationships become about companionship rather than lust as you grow together and some people are happy with that and others aren’t.
You say she won’t just get ‘any job’ I suspect you may be underestimating the mental load she’ll carry if she does get a job. Are the kids still at school? If so who will collect them if they’re ill? Who will have to deal with all the kid admin of doctors appointments and school trips? And who will run the household? Cook, clean, make sure the kids have clean clothes? If she’s had to do all that before then she’ll probably expect to have to continue which along side a job is almost impossible. So she may be waiting for the right job to come along which she feel she can balance everything with. It feels a bit dick-ish that after years of her having the hardest job of all of her raising your kids for you to then decide that it’s not good enough and she needs to get a job. Do you have any idea how daunting it is to return to a workplace after probably 10+ years? It’s terrifying and it doesn’t sound like you appreciate that or are being supportive to her.
I don’t think men realise how much having kids can affect your confidence. You become an entirely different person while your partner seems to stay the same. It’s worth remembering that that is a sacrifice she’s made for your family.
No one can tell you whether to leave or not. That decision is yours and yours only and whilst I understand the feeling of not wanting to watch your life pass you by, I expect you’ll probably find that the grass isn’t greener.
Could you try talking then maybe marriage counselling?

Don’t forget whilst you were out forging a career for yourself your wife was at home bringing up the children and no doubt doing most of the household chores. Bringing up kids isn’t the Sound of Music - it can be mind numbingly boring and can suck the life out of you. Have you ever stopped to wonder if she’s lost her confidence and self worth along the way? Maybe instead of being Billy big balls you could help and encourage her and not be looking for the next model. If you can’t do that then maybe she’s better off on her own

Mid-life crisis now all the hard work parenting is done and you no longer need her at home to facilitate you.

Yuk.

how old are your kids? I think it’s ok if older to suggest to your wife she may want to reenter the workforce. But you have to absolutely be prepared to step up and carry your fair share of the load at home and with the kids to facilitate that. Also give her time to think whah she wants to do. I think if your kids are older children it’s reasonable to expect your wife to want to work but I think it’s unfair to use “lack of ambition” against her if you’ve previously support her being a stay at home mum.

You're having a midlife crisis. You want the thrills and newness you felt at 20 again in your 40s. It's a kind of reaction to the looming grave and I reckon it's a cliche that happens to most of us.

This isn't about her, it's about you.
Do you have 'a bit of drive these days' 'ambition', are you 'fired up about something'?

You "keep wondering if most people just settle for what’s comfortable". If your marriage is comfortable is it because you're treating it like a pair of worn slippers? it's perhaps because you're not putting the spark in or getting out of your comfort zone. When was the last time you and your wife did something new together? Something to get fired up about? A holiday? New experience? Hobby? Comfort and joy can go together.

I get a whiff that you already have some 'ambitious, fired up lady' in your sights and it seems a quick and exciting option rather than focusing on your own marriage and what you need to invest now to ensure a happy future with your family.

@ClarityofVision You're not very successful at being a troll though, are you?! 😂

@Pubgarden Thanks for this. I definitely could and should put in more effort. Unfortunately I think it is a mid life crisis I'm experiencing. Hopefully can ride it out but it's been going on a few years. Such an unsettling feeling.

You sound just like my ex husband, who had a similar mid-life crisis.
My teen dc think he is a joke and avoid seeing him when they can. the grass isn’t greener. You are never going to have in your 40’s what you had in your 20’s.

@Lickityspit thanks yes you are absolutely right. It's a huge step back into the workforce. I've changed careers and that was daunting, but it doesn't compare. I do try to be encouraging and give practical advice. I would like to see her do well for herself for her own confidence. I'm not bothered about money.

Have you asked your wife how she feels? From your OP I get the impression that you don't communicate well with each other, she may be feeling the same and waiting for her way out too?
Sometimes a mutual separation is the best option for all concerned, not least the children. They pick up on more than you realise and an unhappy home is extremely damaging. That being said, I feel for you both in this situation

@putitovertherefornow This is a great point. I think being a parent is so hard, so demanding when they are young. But the goals are clear. Whereas now we have more free time.

She talks about the future a lot together as well. I find it upsetting to hear. Part of me wants it, part of me is uncertain and unsettled. I'm all for honest conversations, but there's a limit to what I can say if I don't want my bags packed.

Sounds like a midlife crisis to me too. She stayed at home for years for the sake of your family, and now you decide she's not ambitious enough? Where was the support for her ambitions when there were small children to look after? Women are not just playthings you can bend and change at will. You sound utterly pathetic. I assume she doesn't want to have sex with you because women are not stupid, she knows how little you think of her.

Can you read that post back as if one of your children was reading it as an adult? Especially the bit about you being ‘nervous and excited’ about potentially having a new girlfriend.

Then really imagine that being the moment their little world fell apart and they lost their domestic stability forever. It’s a life changing event for kids to have a parent move out. Do it if you need to for your safety or your health. Don’t do it for fun.

One of the great life lessons is that the only person who can light up your world is yourself. If you're not lit from within, nobody is going to swoop in and complete you.

@Digdongdoo it's probably the biggest decision of my life. That's why I've pondered for years about it. I'm not taking it lightly. If it wasn't for the impact it would have on them, I reckon I'd have done it a while ago.

I think you’ve outgrown her.

Sadly it happens.

@Pubgarden I've never heard that one before, but it's food for thought, thanks

Have you told your wife what you're thinking OP?

And do you have someone else in your sights?

I was very supportive, worked hard in a job I hated. I did my job as a parent when I wasn't at work. I've always been encouraging about her finding work and never put her under pressure or anything. Why say it's a mid life crisis them rip me to pieces? I agree it's a mid life crisis, it's not nice to go through, believe me.

This. I think OP needs to have patience and be supportive. He only got where he is because he had a house wife to pick up after everyone. Now everyone is done with her? Jeez...