Craving Ambition and Connection... Is That Wrong?

[PapaPerspective]

Just looking for a bit of perspective really, especially from women who’ve maybe been where my partner is, or anyone who’s been through this sort of in-between stage.

Me and my partner got together young, early twenties. Everything felt exciting back then, and I genuinely couldn’t believe my luck being with her. She’s always been beautiful to me, and I still think that now. Back in the day, the love was huge, that proper butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling. If I’m honest though, the sex was just alright, not this mind-blowing thing you might expect or as good as less attractive women I'd been with. Didn’t bother me much because the closeness and comfort meant way more.

I didn’t always have the job and stability I do now. For years I was grafting, just getting by and trying to figure myself out, struggling tbh. She stuck with me through all that. I’ll always be grateful for it, because having her backing me when I was still struggling really did mean the world. Being skint kinda bonded us.

Now, years down the line, we’ve built a good life together. We’ve made memories, made a home, raised our kids – proper family stuff. But it hasn’t all been easy. We’ve had some bad arguments over the years, some that left a mark and weren’t easily forgotten. To be honest, a few years ago things got so rough I properly looked at leaving. Even when things picked up again between us, I don’t think I ever fully got that idea out of my head. Once you go there in your mind, it’s hard to act like you never did.

For nearly all our time together, I’ve been the one bringing the money in. I’ve always been alright with that, wanted to look after us. She spent years at home with the kids, which I absolutely supported, but they’re older now. At times we really struggled to have her as a stay at home mother, we don't regret it. She did a course not long back—out of our savings, mind—thinking it’d lead to something new, but there’s not been any work come from it. So it’s still just me keeping things ticking along. She'll not just get "any" job.

Intimacy’s quietly disappeared. We haven’t been together for months in that way. TBH I’m not arsed about it anymore. I’m not angry or bothered, it’s just faded into the background. Now and then I’ll look at her and still think she’s lovely, but the spark just isn’t there like it used to be. It's proper boring in that way. I still think I have a sex drive, though not comparable to my early 20s. It's just not I'm not with someone that excites me.

Something I probably shouldn’t admit, but I touched on the subject before.. I find myself really drawn to women with a bit of drive these days. Women who work, have ambition, are fired up about something. It’s not about money, I’m settled enough now myself . it’s just that spark and energy I admire so much. I miss it, if I’m honest. I wish that was part of what we had.
Sometimes I get this daft idea in my head that I’ll just meet someone amazing who lights my world up, but let’s be real – I know how dating in your forties goes. Online or otherwise, it’s a minefield and there’s just as many rough bits as good ones. The grass isn’t always greener, it’s just different grass, with all its own problems.

So I’m sat here, torn. I’m grateful for our life and what we’ve been through, but I keep wondering if most people just settle for what’s comfortable, or if it’s actually alright to want more. Has anyone been able to find that spark again in the same relationship, or does the idea of leaving never actually go away once it’s there?

Naturally my finances would take a hit as well as I'd rightly have to pay our maintenance whilst trying to pay for another home. And I'd probably be paying a lot more to rent a home worse than the one I currently have a mortgage on.

Would honestly appreciate any proper thoughts, especially from women who’ve been in these shoes. Sometimes you just need to hear from real people who get it.

Thanks if you made it this far.

I think we can all feel, decades down the line, ‘is this it?’.

What I would tell you is that:
The grass is not greener
At this age and stage everyone has some baggage - you’d just swap one set of issues for another
True happiness lies in finding contentment with what you have, not chasing excitement

If you need a bit of excitement try looking in other places - eg how about you plan some exciting travel with your wife?

Absolutely agree that the job market is tough.

I'd say it's more sadness than relief

It's impossible. Exciting women don't wash your pants for you. And if they start, they aren't exciting any more. Cycle repeats.

It's both amusing and true.

Hi OP. I'm a woman with ambition and drive, I have a decent career. But this also happened to my marriage.

It's called having a mid life crisis.

It's natural to feel like this after a certain amount of time together. Some couples have the spark after decades, some don't but sometimes it morphs into companionship or something else entirely.

You seem to be craving connection on a deeper level. Try couples therapy. It saved us.

You only got this far because of her

The crux of your problem is your attitude to women and the role they should play in your life

(as an aside the comment that the sex wasn’t as exciting as it would be with a better looking woman is…odd)

your posts definitely give the sense that your only solution to your feelings and MLC are to leave. Which you don’t want to do, so you will just accept things. But why not be proactive about looking for other solutions? You’re bored- so do something about it!!

Gives me hope that it worked out.
Mid life crisis is a horrible, unsettling feeling. Sometimes I wonder what is worse, MLC unsettlement, or the pain of destroying my life and realising the grass isn't greener. It would be something I'd have to live with forever.

I was going to say this.
You are looking at the things your wife lacks. Like she is not ambitious and you don’t see her lit up with things she is passionate about, like when you get your teeth into a new project at work for example.

But I wonder what you do together, if you have time together, and what you do value about her and pay attention to in a positive way. I have been single many years with only one brief relationship recently. For many years of this, childcare and work was all-consuming. Now my children are getting a bit older, what I miss is companionship, and what I liked about my brief relationship was being able to spend time with someone doing things out of the everyday routine. They weren’t even very exciting things, just walks and meals for example, but there was nothing else for me to think about, it was a nice peaceful space with someone who paid attention and I paid attention to. Yes, there was chemistry and we were intimate but that’s not what I miss most, I miss having a person who pays attention and listens and that I paid attention to, if that makes sense, which fosters a sense of intimacy that you feel comfortable in.

Once you start devaluing a person and losing that connection, then it’s harder to have that intimacy or recover it.

I think you my benefit from practice ing gratitude towards your wife who has kept the home fires burning all these boring years … maybe that will help you fall back in love with her…

just get some hobbies and make your life more exciting… you don’t need to change your partner to change your life.

That's absolutely not what I said.

Oh sorry - you weee suprised that the sex wasn’t better than you’d had with uglier women

my basic point stands

@2024onwardsandup There's been some wonderful and helpful posts that have helped me a lot. Yours is wide of the mark and not very constructive.

I think it's very constructive actually. It was a totally unnecessary remark for you to make and makes clear that you have issues with your attitude towards women in general, not just your wife. You should reflect on why you thought it was remotely relevant.

This is such a good post OP, I think many of us in long marriages can relate to times where the emotional connection wanes and how hard it can be to get it back. Make an effort to get it back OP before you throw your life away.

No, it’s not. The biggest decision of your life was made when you married your wife and when you chose who to have your kids with. You can’t unmake that decision, can you? You’ll always have had your kids with that person, and staying together is in their best interests in the situation you describe.

When you made that big decision, you chose to put your future kids’ happiness above your own permanently, not just until you were feeling dissatisfied. So do it. I think you need to accept you made a vow and had a family with someone who isn’t perfect for you, and start making the best of it. Take responsibility for being here, now.

Absolutely agree. And the OP’s response to “criticism” is even more revealing… supportive women OK/those that point out deep truths - not OK

Sorry I thought it was relevant to mention. It was part of the relationship, we had a physical relationship. But when I was reflecting on that, , I wanted to make the point that even at it's peak, I know it could have been better. @Digdongdoo .

I don't think it's a comment that you can look at and go "he has issues with women."

I will reflect and become better.

Overall it's been a great thread and I appreciate everything, even the ones that are critical. I have my flaws and I need to look in the mirror.

The point is about correlating external physical attractiveness with your expectations of good sex

its a superficial approach to sex and love

and gives an insight into how you value and view women

as dows the fact that you wanted a wife to stay home and look after children and yourself. But now that this role is no longer necessary you want a woman who is more “exciting”.

anyway. Good luck with that.

OP

You may find this explanation of how relationships work out over time worth a read. The author divorced and remarried in midlife and is much happier second time around but for surprising reasons.

Op how old are you and your wife? How old are your kids? I've just turned 50 and it's completely thrown me off track. I feel anxious all the time about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life plus I'm deep into peri menopause too its honestly awful. Plus my youngest DS is 17 and looking at Unis & my Dd is 21. Oh and I've been a SAHP since my DD was born. I volunteer for charities instead and always have done for last 21 years but honestly I'm thinking of retraining but it's terrifying. I used to be a vet nurse. My DH is 50 tomorrow and it feels like he's winding down now. He's got his eye on retirement I think and definitely not as interested in sex as I am. Peri has increased my libido. I feel like my life is just beginning after decades of child-rearing. I'm on HRT but I'm VERY hormonal still. It's just awful atm. I'm crying all the time. Snappy with my DH. My life is hugely changing as I prepare to be an empty nester in a year My DH wfh too so I feel like he's always there, under my feet. But we do loads together tbh. Watching bands, country walks. pubs. cinemas. Holidays just the 2 of us. He's quiet though so I do sometimes feel lonely in his company. He doesn't talk about his emotions ever. He doesn't people-watch or do idle gossip. He's uncomfortable talking about peri etc. We've been together since we were 20 at uni together. I still love him but no idea how he feels about me as he never tells me. He's not affectionate. He's super clever. We're probably not that well suited really but been together 29 years now. I resent the fact I've helped him have his brilliant career but now I'd have to take minimum wage job or retrain and start from scratch. I'm tired all the time tbh and the thought of retraining makes me want to cry - I've lost a lot of confidence being out of the workplace all these years. Honestly OP i think loads of men leave their wives when the kids leave home looking for something better, sonething more exciting, shiny and new and it makes me sad and cross. Talk to your wife. Have couples therapy maybe? She's saved you tons of money in childcare over the years so of course if she needs to retrain it should come from your joint savings.

DangerousAlchemy I think what you say must resonate in various ways with many women.
I have worked all my child-rearing years but as a single parent and so with little time for myself. When I hear male colleagues a couple of years older talking about their retirement plans, I feel exactly like you say, that my career still needs so much work and I have so many things I want to do. It’s just a different timeline. Luckily I am not starting from scratch but it still feels a bit like turning a tanker on no fuel.

One of my friends who is as well-qualified as me has been a SAHM and even trying to get into our field now is next to impossible for her. It’s not only the money in childcare which she has saved her DH, it is that she also keeps house and home going by being the person who makes everything run at home and knows everything. I don’t know what their chore split is, but when I think about how much I have to do on top of my job and the chaos of my finances and life, it’s just not comparable to theirs because of the unpaid labour she has done and is doing.

I think hitting fifty is difficult as the intensity of the child-rearing is past and you are looking at the ‘what now?’. I just wanted to say, and maybe this is helpful also for the OP, that I think this happens regardless of job status or marital status. Never mind adding hormonal changes into the mix. Your suggestions for things the OP should try are sensible. I certainly would not give up on a basically sound marriage without trying them.

Couples therapy saved us too