Craving Ambition and Connection... Is That Wrong?

[PapaPerspective]

Just looking for a bit of perspective really, especially from women who’ve maybe been where my partner is, or anyone who’s been through this sort of in-between stage.

Me and my partner got together young, early twenties. Everything felt exciting back then, and I genuinely couldn’t believe my luck being with her. She’s always been beautiful to me, and I still think that now. Back in the day, the love was huge, that proper butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling. If I’m honest though, the sex was just alright, not this mind-blowing thing you might expect or as good as less attractive women I'd been with. Didn’t bother me much because the closeness and comfort meant way more.

I didn’t always have the job and stability I do now. For years I was grafting, just getting by and trying to figure myself out, struggling tbh. She stuck with me through all that. I’ll always be grateful for it, because having her backing me when I was still struggling really did mean the world. Being skint kinda bonded us.

Now, years down the line, we’ve built a good life together. We’ve made memories, made a home, raised our kids – proper family stuff. But it hasn’t all been easy. We’ve had some bad arguments over the years, some that left a mark and weren’t easily forgotten. To be honest, a few years ago things got so rough I properly looked at leaving. Even when things picked up again between us, I don’t think I ever fully got that idea out of my head. Once you go there in your mind, it’s hard to act like you never did.

For nearly all our time together, I’ve been the one bringing the money in. I’ve always been alright with that, wanted to look after us. She spent years at home with the kids, which I absolutely supported, but they’re older now. At times we really struggled to have her as a stay at home mother, we don't regret it. She did a course not long back—out of our savings, mind—thinking it’d lead to something new, but there’s not been any work come from it. So it’s still just me keeping things ticking along. She'll not just get "any" job.

Intimacy’s quietly disappeared. We haven’t been together for months in that way. TBH I’m not arsed about it anymore. I’m not angry or bothered, it’s just faded into the background. Now and then I’ll look at her and still think she’s lovely, but the spark just isn’t there like it used to be. It's proper boring in that way. I still think I have a sex drive, though not comparable to my early 20s. It's just not I'm not with someone that excites me.

Something I probably shouldn’t admit, but I touched on the subject before.. I find myself really drawn to women with a bit of drive these days. Women who work, have ambition, are fired up about something. It’s not about money, I’m settled enough now myself . it’s just that spark and energy I admire so much. I miss it, if I’m honest. I wish that was part of what we had.
Sometimes I get this daft idea in my head that I’ll just meet someone amazing who lights my world up, but let’s be real – I know how dating in your forties goes. Online or otherwise, it’s a minefield and there’s just as many rough bits as good ones. The grass isn’t always greener, it’s just different grass, with all its own problems.

So I’m sat here, torn. I’m grateful for our life and what we’ve been through, but I keep wondering if most people just settle for what’s comfortable, or if it’s actually alright to want more. Has anyone been able to find that spark again in the same relationship, or does the idea of leaving never actually go away once it’s there?

Naturally my finances would take a hit as well as I'd rightly have to pay our maintenance whilst trying to pay for another home. And I'd probably be paying a lot more to rent a home worse than the one I currently have a mortgage on.

Would honestly appreciate any proper thoughts, especially from women who’ve been in these shoes. Sometimes you just need to hear from real people who get it.

Thanks if you made it this far.

Very unlikely the grass will be greener. And you will cause a huge amount of hurt finding it out.

I suggest you redirect all your thoughts and headspace you are currently giving to leaving into making your marriage better. Put more effort in, do something nice for her, for the home, arrange a night out or 3 etc., etc. You might find you have exactly what you want right under your nose.

Any unfulfilled ambitions?

It sounds to me like you are bored with life but putting this all down to your wife. But you can make choices every day that can bring interest to your life. I don’t mean to sound harsh but I don’t want you to implode your life and that of your family for nothing. I think you are projecting ideas of non achievement on your wife. Do you have nothing else you want to achieve/do? What things can you do differently to make life better? You mention being interested in sport, is that watching at home or doing it? Same with music. Many parents love parenting but it can also be dull too. I’d suggest less vague thinking of how much more exciting life can be and instead a small thing you do differently every day. Good luck.

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You are treating your wife as an option.

You have already ruined your relationship.

I hope in the future she learns what good love feels like.

I'm in my 40s, single though - and the unsettling thought "is this it?" is a daily guest in my mind.

Yeah, this is it. There is potential for more, but not at the rist of destroying the lives of my nearest and dearest.

Hankering after some unknown thrill is not superior to hanging on to what you have, and appreciating the gifts of life as it is.

I need to overcome the MLC. If I do that I can find some fun, passion, excitement in my own life through hobbies and interests.

I genuine and honestly think you have this back to front OP.
If you find some fun, passion, excitement in your own life I bet you overcome the mid life crisis.

But bluntly, you don’t sound particularly ambitious, driven or ‘passionate’ about anything yourself. You like watching football and going to gigs, and you love your kids and going on days out. Don’t get me wrong, that sounds perfectly pleasant, middle-of-the-road stuff, but not something all that likely to appeal to the driven, ambitious 40something woman of your dreams.

I’m not trying to be unpleasant here, but what would you be bringing to the table in this relationship?

Driven, ambitious 40something women are most likely going to be looking for someone to match their achievements, income and energy.

(I have a recently divorced friend in his mid-40s. Two YA children. Lots of money. He runs his own big conservation architecture practice, has a beautiful old house, and does triathlons and endurance events all over the world for fun. He’s currently dating a neurologist who competes in dressage. They barely have time to see one another, with their children, jobs and high-involvement leisure stuff.)

Or do you mean something a lot lower-grade

This translates to "I want my cake and eat it too."

And no op you can't have it all, your wife will stop loving you, there is no going back, she will hate you even if she has you back.

Take the chance and listen to your recently divorced friends and how much fun they are having or some over bearing seemingly ambitious female work colleague who is spewing ideas in your ear.

You are a sheep.
Ba Ba Boring Black Sheep.

Moreso, driven ambitious women are waking up to the fact that men like OP don’t bring much to the table.

Have a feeling OP would be looking to date younger than 40s too

Well, I don’t even think they’d consider him! My architect triathlete friend’s previous girlfriend before the neurologist was a 35 year old Brazilian forensic archaeologist.

Which is why I asked what the OP’s idea of ‘ambitious and driven’ was — maybe he means something entirely different?

@Spindleweed I think I'm ambitious and driven. Everything is relative, but I have made very good progress at work and believe I can push for more. I am proactively looking at other sources of income too. It's not the money that drives me, it's the challenge. Like I say though, to some super high achievers, I'd have been unsuccessful. Compared to average, I think I've done well. As the saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy. We're all running our own race.

@AnotherNaCha
What would indicate I don't bring much to the table?

Couldn’t your wife say the same?

Everything is relative. Compared to Elon musk the architect earns chicken feed.

Ambition and drive doesn't always lead to overnight success. I admire people who have the spirit to drive for something, even if they haven't reached their destination. I am pleased with what I've achieved after not getting off lacking ambition and focus myself as a young adult. I have the drive to want more.

@LemondrizzleShark nah she hates sport, doesn't like the same music as me.

I’m not sure whether or not she likes football (or golf, or F1, or whatever it is) makes the difference between “driven and passionate” and “boring old wifey”!

You are both “passionate about being parents” and both “enjoy family days out”. She presumably likes some music, or art, or books, or film or something. Doesn’t have to be the same as yours. Your hobbies aren’t terribly exciting either! It sounds like the problem is that you don’t respect her interests, rather than that she doesn’t have any.

OP.

You could knock this about on MN until you're blue in the face.
You've already had some good answers and the odd well deserved (I think you'll agree) kick up the arse. Some of us have replied several times trying to help you.

The ONLY answer is to talk, really talk, with your wife.
Something, possibly many things over time, has gone wrong between you.
It can possibly be put right, but only if you talk about it.

Many posters have recommended couples therapy and every time you have responded that YOU might benefit from some more therapy. This isn't about you as an individual, it's about you and your wife. She is your equal partner in this marriage.

It is couples therapy you both need so that you can sort this out, or not, together.

Two years is too long for you to have been mentally tossing a coin about whether your marriage is worth continuing.

That's two years where your wife, knowingly or unknowingly, is living out her precious days with a man who has one eye on the door.

The ambitious imaginary woman is a red herring. It is you that is lacking something either within yourself or within your marriage.

If I was you I'd get off MN, sit down with your wife and have this thing out.
She might heave a huge sigh of relief and say thank Christ you've brought this up...I've had enough and want out.

Piss or get off the pot.

@Pubgarden Agreed. You and many others have given me some sound advice and food for thought. Time for me to reflect, take action, arrange couples therapy and move forward.

I'll be stepping away from here now. Thanks everyone.