Craving Ambition and Connection... Is That Wrong?

[PapaPerspective]

Just looking for a bit of perspective really, especially from women who’ve maybe been where my partner is, or anyone who’s been through this sort of in-between stage.

Me and my partner got together young, early twenties. Everything felt exciting back then, and I genuinely couldn’t believe my luck being with her. She’s always been beautiful to me, and I still think that now. Back in the day, the love was huge, that proper butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling. If I’m honest though, the sex was just alright, not this mind-blowing thing you might expect or as good as less attractive women I'd been with. Didn’t bother me much because the closeness and comfort meant way more.

I didn’t always have the job and stability I do now. For years I was grafting, just getting by and trying to figure myself out, struggling tbh. She stuck with me through all that. I’ll always be grateful for it, because having her backing me when I was still struggling really did mean the world. Being skint kinda bonded us.

Now, years down the line, we’ve built a good life together. We’ve made memories, made a home, raised our kids – proper family stuff. But it hasn’t all been easy. We’ve had some bad arguments over the years, some that left a mark and weren’t easily forgotten. To be honest, a few years ago things got so rough I properly looked at leaving. Even when things picked up again between us, I don’t think I ever fully got that idea out of my head. Once you go there in your mind, it’s hard to act like you never did.

For nearly all our time together, I’ve been the one bringing the money in. I’ve always been alright with that, wanted to look after us. She spent years at home with the kids, which I absolutely supported, but they’re older now. At times we really struggled to have her as a stay at home mother, we don't regret it. She did a course not long back—out of our savings, mind—thinking it’d lead to something new, but there’s not been any work come from it. So it’s still just me keeping things ticking along. She'll not just get "any" job.

Intimacy’s quietly disappeared. We haven’t been together for months in that way. TBH I’m not arsed about it anymore. I’m not angry or bothered, it’s just faded into the background. Now and then I’ll look at her and still think she’s lovely, but the spark just isn’t there like it used to be. It's proper boring in that way. I still think I have a sex drive, though not comparable to my early 20s. It's just not I'm not with someone that excites me.

Something I probably shouldn’t admit, but I touched on the subject before.. I find myself really drawn to women with a bit of drive these days. Women who work, have ambition, are fired up about something. It’s not about money, I’m settled enough now myself . it’s just that spark and energy I admire so much. I miss it, if I’m honest. I wish that was part of what we had.
Sometimes I get this daft idea in my head that I’ll just meet someone amazing who lights my world up, but let’s be real – I know how dating in your forties goes. Online or otherwise, it’s a minefield and there’s just as many rough bits as good ones. The grass isn’t always greener, it’s just different grass, with all its own problems.

So I’m sat here, torn. I’m grateful for our life and what we’ve been through, but I keep wondering if most people just settle for what’s comfortable, or if it’s actually alright to want more. Has anyone been able to find that spark again in the same relationship, or does the idea of leaving never actually go away once it’s there?

Naturally my finances would take a hit as well as I'd rightly have to pay our maintenance whilst trying to pay for another home. And I'd probably be paying a lot more to rent a home worse than the one I currently have a mortgage on.

Would honestly appreciate any proper thoughts, especially from women who’ve been in these shoes. Sometimes you just need to hear from real people who get it.

Thanks if you made it this far.

@Pubgarden Nobody in my sights. I've told her that I'm struggling, we've had some honest conversations. I almost left at one point. It'll go into the background for a few months, then it comes back.

I’ve had therapy on my own in the past and found it effective—it’s helped me work through tough patches and see things with a bit more clarity. I’ve never tried couples therapy, though. Sometimes I wonder if that would make a real difference, or just confirm what I already feel.

If your wife knows you're unhappy, considering leaving and you're not in a physical relationship her confidence and happiness must be through the floor. No amount of encouraging her to go back to work (however well meant) or talks that go nowhere is going to put things right between you.

After so many years together and because you have children to consider surely couples therapy must be worth a try.

Happens frighteningly regularly once the career has been facilitated and the children have been brought up.

I think you are very likely to regret it in the long term if you blow your life up for a 'grass may be greener' scenario.

When you say you could put in more effort, what is it you feel you could do?
What do you do to make her feel loved?
Who does which chores?

Worth a read:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

If you need something new and shiny, maybe just get a car, bike, racehorse, boat, half marathon PB,...

@RaininSummer I know it. And I wish I could get that message into my skill. But the unsettled mid life crisis feeling won't go away.

In your exciting new world who’s doing the meal planning every week, making sure the laundry’s done, kids dentists are organised, Christmas presents are sorted, checking the skirting boards get a deep clean

Thanks for that. I do some chores but not as many as her. She is happy with what I do. I think we both think it's fair. If she works then that dynamic changes.
I could put more effort in things like date nights, spending quality time. Maybe trips away.

So you're not pulling your weight at home, nor are you making an effort in your relationship. And you're surprised there is a problem?
If her working is so important to you, step up now. Show her that she won't have to keep doing it all. What are you waiting for? You want a dynamic shift, then start shifting it. Don't make that her responsibility.

I'm trying to look at this in the most unbiased way possible... I'm reading that you've already decided you're wanting a new ambitious woman. You are attempting to justify your desire to leave to abstain from the guilt that comes along with it. I say that because I'm assuming that if you knew your wife and kids would not be upset over the split, then you'd have done it already. Saving face appears to be the only thing stopping you - you don't want your family to view you in a bad light for feeling the way you do. The emotional backlash would be the main consequence.

I'd suggest a proper heart to heart chat with nothing but the gods honest truth with your wife about where your head is at, and go from there. The truth as it stands now may hurt but she needs to know how you're feeling so you can both look to make improvements in your relationship (that is, if you genuinely WANT to improve and haven't lost love for her).

The other option is, admit you have lost feelings (because that's what it sounds like) and leave. Be aware your wife sacrificed her young adulthood to raising your children and you have a lot to be grateful for. Though if I were her I'd rather have the opportunity to be genuinely loved again by someone new rather than living with someone who's pretending to still love me.

So essentially, you love her but not in love with her. The below might be helpful to you.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/feb/04/relight-the-fire-how-to-fall-back-in-love-with-your-partner

Thanks. So if I do more now, it'll alleviate the pressure on her and help change the dynamic.

Yeah. Obviously. Pull your weight, don't just demand she adds more to her load.

@LittlleMy So helpful. I will give it a read. Thanks

In the nicest way, when you say that it looks like you’re asking permission to leave.
You don’t need permission from anyone, but you maybe need some more therapy to work through the MLC without your whole life falling around your ears.
Acting on MLC doesn’t often end up how men expect, mostly because the excitement of a relationship doesn’t really last, they may have met a younger woman who wants her own children and the whole process starts again. Your relationship with your existing children will likely suffer (but going by many examples I personally know of that’s not necessarily a problem for the father, but leaves lifelong issues for the children left behind).

I don’t know what the answer is, but I suspect a MLC is something that needs to be worked on and new brain pathways worked on. If you act on the impulse to leave without thoroughly working through it you may well spend the rest of your life chasing something that doesn’t exist.
I know too many older men who are up to their ears in Porsches and other trappings of a MLC, they have a string of mediocre relationships behind them and are really unsatisfied with their lives.
It may be that leaving your wife is the right thing for you to do, but don’t do it because of the MLC. Do the work on yourself, work on developing a full appreciation of the sacrifices your wife has made for you and your children, and understand how very hard it is to get back into the workforce after being a SAHM and your confidence is in tatters.
At this stage in life many men think it’s their time, forgetting that at the same time his wife may be starting perimenopause, may be struggling with the changes in her role as mother.

What do you do together as a couple? Perhaps you could take up a joint hobby that allows her ambition and determination to shine through?

Also ask yourself how you would feel about your wife having a new partner (potentially living with your kids too). Personally I’d work hard to resuscitate your relationship

@LobsterPants Thanks very much for this, it makes a lot of sense.
Hopefully I can get some more therapy and it's something I can "ride out." You are right acting on a MLC is a recipe for disaster.

The sad thing is, even If I don't leave I'll probably look back at this period on my life with regret. I'll probably question why I couldn't have been happy etc.

You don’t think it’s fair you just said you resent it.

The point is that she does a lot of super boring stuff that you would have to do yourself if you left - except that i very much suspect you think that you will get another more exciting women who will also do all this stuff as well as mind blowing sex. I think that is….unlikely

@Gymbunny2025 Thought about that many times. It must be horrific.

OMG. So you’ve used her like a broodmare to have and raise your children while you focused on you and your career, now she can’t just step back into a high-flying career to “match” you, you want to trade up. This is why women shouldn’t ever ever support men

How old are your kids? My kids are teenagers. They might not need me so much physically now but I still do a helluva lot of the mental load so I can’t wash my hands of them completely as I help negotiate teenager challenges. Yet now they don’t need me to bathe them, prepare their school bags, do a long bedtime etc it has made me feel a little less defined.

Can I also say I think the job market is tough right now? Especially if you don’t have heaps of experience and are a little older. I have always worked and I can’t even see much for me right now.

The one thing I’d really like is time on my own to figure things out. I would love my partner to take the kids away for a few days to have that space to think. Away from the ‘mum I can’t find a t-shirt’ type interruptions.

Honestly though it sounds like you have checked out. I think you need to be honest with her about that. Or at least with yourself. Does that make you feel relieved or sad?

I think it's very unlikely too.
Logically I know that. But the problem with a MLC is it makes me think "yeah but what if" and the delusions that I could find something exciting and also worthwhile at this stage in my life.

What you are pining after doesn’t exist. No relationship is constantly exciting. It sounds like you and your wife have created a good life together but it’s not unusual to sometimes feel bored and shiny new things can look like they might be the answer. You say you think that maybe it’s a midlife crisis, so that’s the thing to address, not your wife and whether she’s exciting/driven enough. You have to bring some excitement to the table yourself and it doesn’t like you’re doing that. It sounds like you’ve signed out and are going through the motions. There are so many things you can do as an individual, as a couple and as a family to make life more fulfilling. Also, as an aside my BIL went through a midlife crisis and left my SIL for a younger woman. The ‘excitement’ of that died down as soon as real life kicked in and he realised she was a young woman who also had wants and needs. They split and he begged to go back to my SIL but she wasn’t having any of it. He made his choice and she could not forgive him for the pain he caused her and the children. You need to work on yourself, not pin lack of excitement at your wife’s door.

You say she was ‘beautiful to me’. In other words, you want us to know she’s not objectively ‘beautiful’ but you’ve been a generous guy in regarding her as acceptable, and that makes me wonder if you’ve often given her barbed compliments. Is there anything else you've actually respected her for, aside from being beautiful to you? Skills, strength, wit? And what did you do to make the sex more than just ‘all right’? She ‘did a course’ but ‘out of our savings, mind’. Almost everything you say about her here sounds like a weary dig, like you have no respect for her and you’re just tolerating her. If you’ve been talking to her in the same way over the years, any dynamism and ambition she has won’t be unleashed while she’s with you.