Craving Ambition and Connection... Is That Wrong?

[PapaPerspective]

Just looking for a bit of perspective really, especially from women who’ve maybe been where my partner is, or anyone who’s been through this sort of in-between stage.

Me and my partner got together young, early twenties. Everything felt exciting back then, and I genuinely couldn’t believe my luck being with her. She’s always been beautiful to me, and I still think that now. Back in the day, the love was huge, that proper butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling. If I’m honest though, the sex was just alright, not this mind-blowing thing you might expect or as good as less attractive women I'd been with. Didn’t bother me much because the closeness and comfort meant way more.

I didn’t always have the job and stability I do now. For years I was grafting, just getting by and trying to figure myself out, struggling tbh. She stuck with me through all that. I’ll always be grateful for it, because having her backing me when I was still struggling really did mean the world. Being skint kinda bonded us.

Now, years down the line, we’ve built a good life together. We’ve made memories, made a home, raised our kids – proper family stuff. But it hasn’t all been easy. We’ve had some bad arguments over the years, some that left a mark and weren’t easily forgotten. To be honest, a few years ago things got so rough I properly looked at leaving. Even when things picked up again between us, I don’t think I ever fully got that idea out of my head. Once you go there in your mind, it’s hard to act like you never did.

For nearly all our time together, I’ve been the one bringing the money in. I’ve always been alright with that, wanted to look after us. She spent years at home with the kids, which I absolutely supported, but they’re older now. At times we really struggled to have her as a stay at home mother, we don't regret it. She did a course not long back—out of our savings, mind—thinking it’d lead to something new, but there’s not been any work come from it. So it’s still just me keeping things ticking along. She'll not just get "any" job.

Intimacy’s quietly disappeared. We haven’t been together for months in that way. TBH I’m not arsed about it anymore. I’m not angry or bothered, it’s just faded into the background. Now and then I’ll look at her and still think she’s lovely, but the spark just isn’t there like it used to be. It's proper boring in that way. I still think I have a sex drive, though not comparable to my early 20s. It's just not I'm not with someone that excites me.

Something I probably shouldn’t admit, but I touched on the subject before.. I find myself really drawn to women with a bit of drive these days. Women who work, have ambition, are fired up about something. It’s not about money, I’m settled enough now myself . it’s just that spark and energy I admire so much. I miss it, if I’m honest. I wish that was part of what we had.
Sometimes I get this daft idea in my head that I’ll just meet someone amazing who lights my world up, but let’s be real – I know how dating in your forties goes. Online or otherwise, it’s a minefield and there’s just as many rough bits as good ones. The grass isn’t always greener, it’s just different grass, with all its own problems.

So I’m sat here, torn. I’m grateful for our life and what we’ve been through, but I keep wondering if most people just settle for what’s comfortable, or if it’s actually alright to want more. Has anyone been able to find that spark again in the same relationship, or does the idea of leaving never actually go away once it’s there?

Naturally my finances would take a hit as well as I'd rightly have to pay our maintenance whilst trying to pay for another home. And I'd probably be paying a lot more to rent a home worse than the one I currently have a mortgage on.

Would honestly appreciate any proper thoughts, especially from women who’ve been in these shoes. Sometimes you just need to hear from real people who get it.

Thanks if you made it this far.

Oh twat off, really.

My advice having been in a similar place to you, is do not let things progress too far "in your head" before talking to your wife about it.

Don't go too far down the path of 'what if I left' because then it is hard to go back.

Open up the conversation about how you're not happy, ask her if she is.
Take it from there.

I heard a good thing about the grass being greener- if you think the grass is greener over there you need to water your grass.

Being at home with DC for years does often affects jobs.

@DangerousAlchemy I appreciate your reply and sharing what you’re going through. I’m in my early 40s, and my wife’s the same age. Also our kids are a bit younger than yours, so we’re not quite at the empty nest stage yet.

I really appreciate what you said about all the emotional /hormonal changes and retraining worries. I need to keep that in mind or it would be totally unjust.

I really think those milestone birthdays shake us all up and make us question what’s next, and where we’re going. You’re not alone in that at all. And they can impact a relationship too. Even if you’re close, it still throws up stuff you didn’t expect.

Just to clarify, with the whole ‘not paying for childcare’ thing, my wife choosing to be a SAHM was a decision she made, but it was also a sacrifice we both made together. Money was definitely tight at times, but I always supported her in what she wanted to do if she’d wanted to go back to work sooner, I would have stood by her as well. I’ve always believed it has to be what she feels is best for her and for the kids. So yes we saved money on childcare, but we didn't have that second wage coming in which obviously more then makes up for that.

Thanks for the suggestion about couples therapy—definitely something to think about. I do think honest conversations matter, even if it’s hard, especially when things feel so up in the air emotionally.

I hope things feel easier for you soon. None of this is easy, but the way you’ve stuck at it ...29 years together is impressive! It really shows your strength.

@Twelftytwo that's the problem I've got. It was once something unthinkable but the last few years I haven't been able to get rid of the idea of leaving.

This is it in a nutshell. Perfectly pup @FlutterShite .

You need to read this and have a good hard think OP.

If you open up to her about how stuck or restless you are feeling and that you are considering leaving and go to couples therapy and do everything you can to try to make it work and pick up more at home so she can have a chance at starting a career... well, if it still doesn't work out you can hold you head high when you leave, you have tried and your kids will (one day) understand you behaved decently.

If you make the decision to leave unilaterally and take the freedom that the person leaving gets to start dating while she's trapped at home raising your kids with few job prospects and all the mental load then you're just another asshole bloke who's got bored of the family he created and your kids will always know that.

The moment my friend's youngest left school her husband left her for woman he'd met at work. The day he told her he was leaving was the first she knew he was unhappy. Apparently the spark had long gone from his life and had been reignited by his colleague who was young, successful and always up for a good time.

Within six months he was on the doorstep cap in hand, looking knackered and broken asking my friend to have him back. Apparently he had to do his own washing and 'her cooking just isn't as good as yours'.

My friend replied, 'You didn't leave me for her cooking.'

Now she's not looking after him and the kids 24/7 she has more time to herself. She's got a part time job that she's enjoying, has a bit of cash to spare, is looking amazing and enjoying living just for her. She seems so full of happiness and life that if she was in any way keen to get involved with another man (she isn't) she'd be snapped up.

He on the other hand is living in a static caravan under the flight path to the local airport. The kids don't want to know him.

@FlutterShite She is beautiful inside and outside. She is funny, kind, a great mother. I have told her this and given her compliments.

When I mentioned it being paid for by our savings, it was to show how I'm rightly supporting her with retraining before anyone questioned it. Of course it should be out of our savings, we pool money and that isn't a problem in our relationship. She buys what she wants, we are sensible and for that reason there isn't a reason to question eachothers spending.

I’m sure you do find “ambitious, sparky, exciting” women attractive - the “manic pixie dream girl” midlife crisis thing is a cliche for a reason: dump your boring middle-aged wife for a nubile 25 year old yoga teacher.

You can make your own life more exciting without relying on an exciting young girlfriend to shake it up. What are you passionate and excited about? Why can’t you do those things with your wife? Can you go on more adventurous holidays? Take up more interesting hobbies together?

Because to be honest, like a previous poster I’m a driven, ambitious, high achieving woman as well, and some suburban divorced dad who wants me to step in and make his life more interesting for him wouldn’t be very appealing for me either! I expect my partners to bring their own passion and excitement to the relationship, I’m too busy to carry you.

What are you passionate and excited about?

Posters keep asking this of the OP and he hasn't answered.

I think that would be the new woman's responsibility

You're missing the point. She's been someone's parent, someone's partner, and general Chief Cook and Bottlewasher for you all for years. Who is she as a person in her own right? When does she get to be herself as an individual?

Your goals might be clear, but those goals are what you want, and how you want her to be. Maybe think about that, eh?

@LemondrizzleShark Yes I need to do some work on myself, get some therapy, reflect on how I can be better and take action. First and foremost I need to overcome the MLC. If I do that I can find some fun, passion, excitement in my own life through hobbies and interests. Positivity is kind of contagious. I want to really make an effort with her this relationship is owed it. So many years, so many special moments, ups and downs.

There's loads of cautionary tales about the grass not being greener. I appreciate your posts and all the others. Even the ones that have been critical.

Time for me to stop thinking about the past, pondering over the future and just live for today. Good luck to all.

@Pubgarden I'm passionate about being a parent. I love music and sport. I enjoy going out as a family for days out.

Agree!!

“DryDay · Yesterday 22:06

I think we can all feel, decades down the line, ‘is this it?’.
What I would tell you is that:
The grass is not greener
At this age and stage everyone has some baggage - you’d just swap one set of issues for another
True happiness lies in finding contentment with what you have, not chasing excitement
If you need a bit of excitement try looking in other places - eg how about you plan some exciting travel with your wife?”

This with bells on.

But I think you’re entitled to not want to bear the full financial burden any more.

There’s lots of talk about the mental load but huge numbers of parents combine dealing with the mental load and working outside the home and drop-offs and pick-ups around the working day or with wraparound care, especially when children are older.

Obviously it’s not a problem where both parties are comfortable with one party being an SAHP/full time homemaker, especially where one party is a very high earner, but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case here and I don’t think you’re unreasonable in wanting to share the financial burden. But as PPs have said, you may need to work on building your wife’s confidence to help her get back into the workplace. She may also get useful transferable skills from volunteer work in the meantime.

I wonder if you got chatgpt to write this for you, OP. You sound totally passive and disconnected. You just want to be told it's fine to give up on your marriage and kids. You're passionate about being a parent, really? You don't sound like you give your kids much thought. As for music and sports, ffs, that's as basic as you can get. What have you even got to offer an ambitious and exciting woman? You'll moan to her about having to see your kids, take her to the football, and have averagely boring sex with her (because if you couldn't make your sex life with your wife exciting then why are you suddenly going to be a thrilling lover to someone else?) I don't think you are the catch you believe yourself to be. I think you need to stop being so self obsessed and start thinking about how you can make your wife and kids happy.

Yes we made the same choice too re me staying at home. It was right for us but a real struggle financially to begin with. I don't need to earn money now as were in a lucky position financially (mainly as both my parents died when i was in my 40s so not a situation I'd obviously choose as it was an awful time for me). But I'm still a bit jealous of my friends who mostly all have interesting jobs they love that also earn fairly well & they get real job satisfaction. There's still a real stigma attached to being a SAHP I think. Good luck in your decision though. It's a tough one.

This sounds like the male equivalent of what some go through when they are hitting the menopause, they want another child.
Op it sounds like you're asking other women for permission to end the marriage so that you'll feel better about wrecking your family

If that’s the case, then surely you wouldn’t have time to be rude on here?

Thank you, yes I'm trying not to panic about the milestone birthday or get too upset at the prospect of being an empty nester (as other DC might well move home anyway after Uni) but I do want to do more voluntary work or get a pt job. It is daunting though & I think big changes can get harder the older we get. I do loads of nice hobbies so actually myself and my DH have quite separate lives at times. My DH has a sporty hobby & he's content with his life I think, mostly. I've lost a close uni friend last year to cancer (she never quite reached her 50th birthday) so I know that has really thrown me off track too and made me think about life/death etc. My friend packed more into her last year of life than I could ever hope to if I lived another 50 years. It's really made me think about what's important & what isn't. Sadly the grass definitely isn't always greener but sometimes a shake up and a change is exactly what's needed for some.

What are your music and sport hobbies? What do you or could you and your wife enjoy together?

We are all passionate parents and enjoy family days out but they won’t help your MLC!

Men who havn't had their head's turned or who arn't having affairs do not think this way, two years of umming and arring about leaving their wives.
You seem to want to blame shift your feelings on a MLC as though you have no agency on your feelings or behaviour.

You are currently bargaining with yourself to try to excuse the inexcusable, your main gripes are boring lovelife, boring wife and the fact she's not working, I feel your only reason for her going back to work would be to give you more space to live a single life, her eye would be off the ball. She knows this, and she knows you have been devaluing her, I can't imagine how awful she must be feeling.

You are ungrateful and your ego has exploded, your children are still young and you want to abandon them and your wife.
You will do this, and you will want couples councelling to help ease her transition into being dumped rather than making your relationship better, your relationship will not get better because you don't have the emotional bandwidth to be empathetic, you love yourself, not her or the children.

People do start again but I fear you are not equipped for someone who is not selfless, you believe an ambitious driven woman is what you need, I'm affraid two possitives usually repel and you have no idea what it feels like not to be loved, you will learn the hard way.