Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

He’s manipulative because he has a different opinion than you?

You nearly collapsed and broke down into tears? This is so dramatic. You sound very very exhausting.

Do you have diagnosed social anxiety? I'm a physician and this sounds like general anxiety disorder. Often mixed up by patients.

it's manipulative because he's making circles to fit his narrative instead of protecting my emotions about phone privacy

ive had deep depression before, mainly from thinking the world isnt fair. Why some people get to have it all and I don't?

YOU are an abusive partner. You need to get professional help.

How am I the abuser??

I never abused him at all. All i've asked is that my feelings are validated and they are real.

I told him that I’m unhappy when he’s with his friends has fun without me because he’s my only friend and I’m home and bored and waiting for him. I know he needs his time with his friends too but I can’t help it, I get really upset when he is having fun without me.

This is controlling

I told him that it’s his fault also because he says things that really trigger me.

this is blaming him for your behaviour

I said no, when there’s 2 lovers there should be no secrets and you should be able to go through each others phone without hiding anything.

this is controlling

I was with him, another friend at a bakery and I nearly collapsed when he said that and broke out into tears and they had to calm me down.

this is incredibly manipulative

YOU are a domestic abuser. I'm sorry to say but you absolutely are.

You sound emotionally immature, codependent and abusive. As many have said you need to take responsibility for yourself and your mental health difficulties. Being reliant on an outside source (in this case him) to make you feel better is a sure fire way to limit your ability to overcome your anxiety and to keep you stuck. It’s also a sure fire way to exhaust your partner and push them away. You need to access therapy BY YOURSELF to learn how to manage your own anxiety. This is especially important because you shouldn’t do couples counselling if one of you (in this case YOU) is abusive.

Your poor partner!! I'd advise him to leave you. You are completely exhausting and need professional help

I think abusive is a strong word. I have therapy today in 3 hours so let’s see how that goes.

he also agreed to couples therapy and he asked me write out a what she’s unhappy about with me and hell do the same

Please get help, OP. Your way of looking at things is so stunted and unhealthy. You’re obsessed with being validated in your wrong-thinking. The behaviour you describe is abusive. You want to be at the centre of his universe the whole time as if you are a young child and he is your parent, not equal adult partners. You don’t want him to do things without you. You cry when he says things you don’t want to hear. You want constant validation and you cannot accept you may be wrong; if you and he disagree then your view is that he must be wrong. None of us are perfect. I’m sure you have some good qualities but you sound extremely demanding annd emotionally immature and like incredibly hard work. It would be much better for you to have other friends, too. You would not be so dependent on him.

This is not how functional adults behave. I had to do serious work on myself to grow up emotionally; I hope you can see your way to doing the same.

Shouldn’t he focus on making me feel better

Your feelings are your responsibility.

Don't get married if you're arguing every few days. You're both going to he miserable.

Making circles? By thinking things through and having an opinion that doesn’t mirror yours?

And why does he need to protect your emotions? What does that even mean? Sounds like you need him to share the same opinions as you and if he doesn’t then he hasn’t protected your emotions. How manipulative. When do you protect his emotions? You are very emotionally stunted and abusive. You sound like a drain. Maybe going to couples therapy is a good things so he can finally realise he is in an emotionally abusive relationship and leave.

i told him I will not do therapy without him but he feels that he doesn’t need therapy as he doesn’t have any anxiety issues or anything like that.

This is controlling. Why does he need to go to therapy too?

You want him to be coerced into 'validating' you (God, how I hate that word!) rather than working on your own issues.

it's manipulative because he's making circles to fit his narrative instead of protecting my emotions about phone privacy

No. It is your responsibility to protect your emotions either by seeking therapy so that you learn to self regulate or by ending the relationship.

It is abusive to expect someone to change their behaviours to meet your emotional needs. In fact, this is generally what underpins all emotional abuse - an inability to emotionally self regulate and expecting others to manage it for you.

All this stuff about your partner needing to “protect your emotions” and “validate your feelings” is not normal healthy behaviour at all and although I’m sure that you don’t intend for your behaviour to be abusive to your partner, it is creating a very unhealthy emotional environment for him and keeping you trapped in unhealthy patterns of relating to others. Your own thinking seems quite disfunctional. I think it would be really good for you to have some long term counselling, support with your anxiety and to concentrate on building friendships and on improving your own health, both mental and physical.

I'm sorry, but this gives it away: this thread can't be genuine.

and he’s always trying to make me eat vegetables and less sweets. Which I’ve asked him to stop but he swears that a big problem of why im tired is from my diet.

But, he's probably right... do you not agree with him?

I told himmany times before, If I feel anxiety, no matter what we’re doing he has to calm me down

Fucking Hell. Seriously, OP, this is not good.

I think I'm inclined to agree.

I don’t think you actually want to improve for some reason. Virtually everybody is saying that your partner is not there to validate your feelings. Some of thinking and behaviour is not irrationally. It’s more damaging to you for someone to validate your feeling and thinking in these circumstances as it perpetuates your thinking even more. However you’re replying to everyone and saying you disgrace. You may believe this but it is a not normal way of thinking. How many have said this to you. Most are trying ti help. Your behaviour is creating a cycle of more damaging behaviour.

It’s not normal to drink coffee with 10 sugars. Three is a lot. Ten is unbelievably. Your diet is not normal. You seem to have eating disorders. If your main job in the house is to sort the drawers out and you cannot relax and go to bed without doing this “important” job then you have OCD too. You say you’ve got anxiety and low energy. You need professional help both psychiatric and for your physical health problems. You need blood tests to test your iron, sugar levels and thyroid as others have said.

There’s only one person that can help you and that is YOU. Your partner should support you and encourage you to get help, but only YOU can get the psychiatric help you need.

I’m incredibly surprised he wants to continue the relationship. It’s even more unlikely that he will as time progresses if you are not willing to seek help. There is then a lot of work to do. Your mental health problems will not get sorted quickly. These are issues probably associated with your upbringing and you will need a lot of sessions to sort this out.

please seek help from your GP for your diet and low energy. This is not normal to feel so low in energy at your age.

None of the behaviour or the way you envisage a relationship is normal. Please get help for your mental health issues and stick with it.

OP, you have a very disordered understanding of what ‘validate feelings’ means.

You have explained your feelings and the circumstances of your life in great detail now. Anybody reading this has a clear picture of you and your life. And everybody reading this agrees that you have mental health issues. You have lost touch with reality and you need professional help. Not your partner, not as a couple. You, just you on your own.

It’s true that you have some issues together as a couple and I would imagine your partner is not perfect, because nobody is. However, the criticisms you have of your partner are not reasonable and on top of this you have several other issues. You have an eating disorder and you have several other symptoms such as extreme fatigue and disordered sleeping which are either symptoms of your mental health condition or other physical issues.

You are being told on here by everyone that the problems you have are your own and that you need professional help. It is very rare on mumsnet that a group of people agree entirely that a woman is being unreasonable in a relationship.

Why did you start this thread? Are you genuinely interested in getting better or do you simply want to generate another excuse to say that everyone is invalidating your feelings?

I tried to make friends, but they don't keep in touch. I told my fiance I envy him because he has really close friends. He said that he's been friends with them since he was 10.

I do not have this luxury!

Why do you guys find validating feelings so bad? I was taught and even therapist channels on youtube and instagram all suggest, that all feelings are valid and it should be validated by your loved ones.

I feel unheard by him because he does not understand me. Please look up emotional validation, it's very important.

because that's what lovers do, we protect each other emotionally and physically. Do you not agree? How is this abusive in any shape or form?

because he also has issues. Last time we had argument he exploded and punched the wall. Is this normal? I'm not perfect but he also has his own issues.

His only come back is that I drive him crazy with things i say.

of course I want to get better. But if my partner doesnt validate my feelings then who does?

Emotional safety is number 1 in a relationship.

I know it's not normal to drink coffee with 10 sugars, but I was raised this way. I only corrected it when I met my current fiance. We had so many arguments over time about my eating habits and even now if he mentions about healthy eating and exercise, I get triggered into a panic attack and feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Now I only use 2 tablespoons of brown sugar or just straight Agave. I really do try to improve and started even going for walks every other day for 10 minutes.

He loves me, but I know we are not great at the moment because he sat me down last night and said I need to work on my anxiety or he's walking away.