Working on our issues but would like advice

[togo1004]

My fiance and I are working on our issues. I’ve posted here previously and he’s been helping more around the house which is really helping.

i have a worry that I’m making him sick. He’s been losing weight, and he won’t eat a lot anymore and says he full after a few bites. He doesn’t seem as positive as he used to be lately.

we seem to get along for a day or two and he acts insensitive to my needs and we have a fight. For example, today he asked me to do him a favor. He said the water filter person is coming tomorrow at 1pm and he has to go help his grandmother file some taxes so he won’t be around until 3pm. He asked me to open the door for the water filter man and if he has any questions, he can call him. I didn’t answer him right away and just froze. I have some social anxiety and sometimes it’s hard to even meet the delivery man to receive package at the front door. I told him why can’t you reschedule? He said babe just open the door for the man to do his job and call me if he has any questions. So I told him my anxiety is bad and I’m afraid he will start a conversation with me. He said why would the water filter man start a convo with you, you will be working on your computer and I’m sure the man just wants to do his job and leave. I started crying because he was being insensitive to my feelings and didn’t feel validated.

then he pointed out a fact that I went out to meet a stranger for coffee and dinner last week, and spent the entire evening with a new friend (his friends and he knows I have no friends and I often complain that I have no friends so his friend met someone outside who wants to learn Russian, I happen to be Russian and I wanted to learn Korean, she happens to be Korean so he got her number so we can chat and become friends). He said if you can do that you can open the door for the man and let him do his job.

he told me he doesn’t understand me. He said how can you be an introvert, but love going out with my friends to bars and clubs meeting new people to make friends but cannot open the door for the filter man?

he says he’s introverted and if he hangs out with his friends he needs alone time to recharge. He thinks that I’m not introverted, but extroverted but just has some social anxiety.

I eventually apologized to him because I realized I was giving him a hard time. This man does a lot for me, so I felt I needed to apologize.

he said he’s super tired of fighting over small things.

how do I stop fighting with him every few days? I’m having a hard time dealing with his insensitivity and feel that I can’t bring anything up with him.

No, not all feelings must be validated, and not validating a feeling isn't abusive.

So if your partner feels that your behaviour is abusive, you're onboard with validating his feelings?

If you're feeling sad about something that didn't happen in reality but you thought it did then that's difficult for someone to understand and keep supporting, all they can say is it didn't happen but I understand you thought it did, perhaps you need help with these false thoughts, it's not abusive to not keep validating your thoughts, it must be emotionally draining for your partner.

Nonsense! If you keep blaming him for your anxiety, he is under no obligation to validate your feelings. How are you validating his feelings that you are overreacting and blaming him for trying to have a sensible conversation instead of pandering to you?

Im glad you've decided to go for therapy because you will lose this relationship without it.

I agree with this. You need to take some responsibility. It’s your anxiety so you need to seek help not him. Why is it on him? It’s very extreme anxiety and as you say exhausting for both of you. I imagine he doesn’t quite know what to do or say to help. You don’t seem to want to help yourself but just want validation from him. It’s probably confused by your behaviour too not understanding how you can go out with a stranger but then not answer the door. Most workmen just get in with their job. You just need to show them where the thing is to fix or service, and leave them to it. Even if they seem to want to chat. Just tell them you’re working from home and need to get back to work, and leave the room.

You need to be well before you are in a relationship.you also need to pick a better person.

Does he support you?

@togo1004 please explore codepency. So pleased you are seeking personal support and hope it will be beneficial to you.
You also mentioned your heritage which I believe has a bearing on this problem. My SIL has the same heritage as you and is extremely controlling - a tonne of mental health issues because of the way she was brought up vs. the real world. I cannot have a relationship with her because she is so very paranoid and mentally unwell and will not speak to me - the only word she has ever said to me was "hello" when my mother in law instructed her to greet me.
I am trying to be kind in my response; but, if you don't act, your fiance would be absolutely right to protect himself.

No, it’s not for him to do this. It sounds like it’s a constant need and I’m surprised if he’s not exhausted by it.

No one has a responsibility to make another adult happy.

You seem very focussed on “having your feelings validated” by your partner. What does this actually look like? Is it that for example when you say you felt scared he needs to say I understand that you felt scared?

I don’t think any counsellor can help - I think you need a psych assessment (not sure if you’re in the UK but it is tricky to get these here - I’ve had one privately).

I think you need one on one treatment yourself so that you can see your partner doesn’t sound unreasonable. I think when you are feeling better you will view this with different eyes.

You just keep on moaning about him here and in your last thread, I'm not really surprised he goes to the gym every evening, your brains must get fried talking endlessly about your relationship, who does what, who should do what, do you ever just chill and have fun together. 3 hours would really stress me out going over and over the same conversation.

did you mean to respond to the OP?

“This is where I disagree. All feelings are valid and must be validated otherwise you are being disrespectful.
he said the same thing to me that why does he need to validate things if it’s wrong. But it’s right for me at that moment so it must be validated”

No, OP, all feelings are not valid. It doesn’t help for your partner to indulge you in irrational feelings. It just makes you increasingly unreasonable and makes your world shrink. Expecting to be indulged in every feeling, no matter how irrational - well, that’s how toddlers behave. In addition, grown ups are responsible for managing their own feelings. Grown ups also expect to put children before them. It is actually truly shocking that you would expect your DH to put you ahead of your children.

Your responses suggest that your emotional development has been seriously stunted by your upbringing. You don’t sound like a 30 year old working woman, you sound like a young child who thinks she is the centre of the universe.

You have lots of serious emotional/mental issues which require serious work to correct and which are, ultimately, very damaging for you but which you have previously refused to address. I’m assuming you have seen similar behaviour in your parents and/or other family members. I had to do lots of therapy and work on myself when I was your age as I was also extremely emotionally immature in many ways. It’s great that you are considering therapy as that should help you get to a much better place.

Yes sorry if I made it confusing

OP; please, please sort out your physical health too. From what you say about your diet, energy and sleep patterns it sounds very likely you have some medical issues. You need to be tested for diabetes, thyroid and iron deficiency at least.

He needs to dump you. Your behaviour is emotionally abusive.

I’ve never seen the word ‘invalidate’ written in one thread so many times.

or ‘validate’ come to that!!

But when I listen to relationship therapists on Instagram they always say that validation of feeling is very important and I tend to agree.

it doesn’t have to be rational but what I’m feeling at the time is very real. I get panic attacks if my partner wants to sit down and talk and inside my mind I think he’s going to leave me and I start to uncontrollably cry most of the time. Then I cannot breathe or talk and I want him to drop whatever he’s doing and focus on my feelings first then continue talking later.

but he has a very hard time doing that.

No all feelings are valid. This is what’s wrong with many relationships when men make women feel invalidated.

I know sometimes I cry for no reason or over small things but at that moment my emotions are very real, and he needs to not invalidate me.

validation: hey i understand and acknowledge how you currently feel, and im sorry you are going through this

but he: hey babe, that just isn’t true, stop thinking like that.

this is what i mean

I may not agree but I need to validate this is what he feels at that moment and that it’s very real to him, so yes!!

This is where I disagree. The reasons for feeling a certain way may not be correct but the emotions at that moment is very real.

this is what gets to me the most about him. He’s gotten a lot better but he used to brush off how I would Be feeling by saying things like “why would you feel that way?” “But that isn’t what I said or did” and gaslighting me by saying I’m acting irrational or crazy.

this isn’t how it is, all feelings must be validated no matter what, even if the reasons for those feelings may be wrong.

we had a chat until 4 am, we’ve discussed everything that I’m unhappy about. I told him that I’m unhappy when he’s with his friends has fun without me because he’s my only friend and I’m home and bored and waiting for him. I know he needs his time with his friends too but I can’t help it, I get really upset when he is having fun without me.

then I told him that he manipulates words. He’s an extremely good speaker, so he has his way with words where he makes it feel like I’m the only person with problem. He says that I have an issue with being judgmental and critical of him over small things and that is a source of a lot our fights. He puts the blame all on me, like im the problem. I told him that it’s his fault also because he says things that really trigger me.

for example, last time his friend almost got divorced because his wife went through his phone and found some “not so ok talks with another woman”. But it turned out to be pretty innocent in the end proven in later text messages.

his response was that they were both wrong. He said he was wrong for doing what he’s doing but it’s also her fault for going through his phone behind his back. I said no, when there’s 2 lovers there should be no secrets and you should be able to go through each others phone without hiding anything.

this is where he is manipulative. He said no because what if he was having a convo with his mom/dad or a close friend and they were disclosing some really private info to him, entrusting him with information they don’t want anyone else to know? He said you are not entitled to that information. What if it was something super embarassing and this person entrusted him to not let anyone know? You’ve invaded now someone else’s privacy, and that’s where things can go wrong.

see how manipulative that is through ways of talking?

I was with him, another friend at a bakery and I nearly collapsed when he said that and broke out into tears and they had to calm me down.

We go out on weekends but we’re working on what “date” means.

his idea of a date is eating together, talking and going home.

to me this isn’t a date, it’s eating.

my idea of dating is doing something together, like going some where to see something, or just walking around some where. Every time we go on a “date” he just wants to take me to a nice restaurant, then we eat and he wants to go home and watch a movie together on the bed and that makes me really sad.

his excuse was that it’s been super hot and humid outside and it’s not pleasurable to walk around.

i also love taking pictures. When I ask him to take a picture of me I can telll by his face it annoys him by the 3rd or 4th time I ask him. Last time we went to Japan, I wanted to take pictures everywhere and I can see it his face that he was annoyed of holding the camera and that really ruined the day for me.

so he’s working on that now and he said next date we will walk more and take pics, which I’m very happy about

I know the anxiety is something I need to deal with. But in relationship there’s nothing you should do alone. It’s us vs the problem not him vs me.

he and I had a disagreement on this because he feels that we each have our own “demons” to deal with and there are things we can’t really help each other on.

i don’t agree with this as everything can be solved in a team. What’s my problem is our problem and what’s his problem is also our problem.

Validation looks like acknowledging my emotions as real.

he didn’t understand it at first and it took him a really long time. And his defense was that “why do my feelings need to be validated by you? I don’t get it. If I feel a certain way I first need to validate it myself to see if they are even a legit?”

I told him, that’s not how a woman’s brain works. All woman want to hear words that you understand I feel this way currently and that they are very real emotions regardless of reasons. The reasons may not be correct but the emotions at that moment is real.

for example if I feel hurt cuz I think he cheated on me, he needs to validate my feelings even if he didn’t cheat ie “im so sorry you are feeling this way but I didn’t cheat babe” instead of “cheat? What are you talking about?”

it’s a big difference.

This is a very unreasonable expectation. Most people will be offended of being falsely accused of cheating. Your expectations of your fiancée is that of a parent. That is unfair. He is not your parent. You probably don’t see it but you’re mistreating him big time.