Page 8 | Has anyone successfully recovered from infidelity with couple’s therapy?

TreadingTrepidatious · 2025-07-17T00:48:03+00:00

Infidelity was discovered within my marriage last night, and we have an appointment with a marriage counselor on the 24th (which feels like forever away!). Just wondering if it’s helped anyone to get their marriage back to a good place, and if you’d be willing to talk about the process. Thanks in advance

Bittenonce · 17/08/2025 14:29

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/08/2025 13:07

The excitement of extra-marital shagging. Pure and simple.

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I really don’t think it’s that simple. If you haven’t been there, you won’t know.
I’ve been told ‘I love you, but…. ‘
You’d say it was a lie - there were certainly other lies, but this probably wasn’t one of them.

TangerinePlate · 17/08/2025 14:37

saveforthat · 17/08/2025 12:07

The op's posts are probably the biggest load of bollocks I have read on MN and I have been here a long time.

My thoughts exactly

Freeme31 · 17/08/2025 14:48

Good grief your hard work, all this logical thinking you need to put some feelings into your world it makes it a much more pleasant place to be (instead of this intense needs being/not being met ). Instead of counselling you should just both go out meet someone have a good time and enjoy life without each other as a mahogany relationship isn’t working for you guys and with the way you chat on you will bore each other to death. Counselling isn’t going to work for you, your a bit too black and white with no feelings/emotions so your probably flogging a dead horse. But good to see your sociology degree has equipped you for mumsnet discussions.

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/08/2025 15:56

Bittenonce · 17/08/2025 14:29

I really don’t think it’s that simple. If you haven’t been there, you won’t know.
I’ve been told ‘I love you, but…. ‘
You’d say it was a lie - there were certainly other lies, but this probably wasn’t one of them.

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What makes you think I "haven't been there"? I've had a relationship with someone who cheated.

BuckChuckets · 17/08/2025 16:03

TreadingTrepidatious · 17/08/2025 03:06

DH and I have been to a few couple’s counseling sessions. I’m not sure how much they have actually helped in and of themselves, but we are actually doing really well.

We went through the initial “full transparency phase,” where the betrayer answered all the questions the betrayed had about the affair honestly. The betrayed has really put in an effort to make the betrayer feel sexually desired and to connect through meaningful conversation. We feel especially close to one another right now.

We are trying to rebuild the trust, but I know that will take time… The betrayed is going on holiday with our children and leaving the betrayer home for several days, which I think is a good opportunity for rebuilding.

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Oh my god, you're still sounding like a smug prick.

WickerLove · 17/08/2025 16:36

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 18/07/2025 08:48

Thank you. I really appreciate that. I can see how EP is marmite, I know in the reconciliation communities a lot find her view difficult. I think for me, because I read a lot and I was interested to put together the whole story of the affair and all the contributory factors I could put her thoughts into context.
I knew the affair was not my fault, he had many choices and the one he took was immensely selfish and hurtful, but I also was able to acknowledge that it occurred within a context - I say that without taking any responsibility for the affair.
I think some people miss that we know the person who hurt us very well. I had to trust that I know his nature, his qualities and his flaws and figure things out from there.
It's a shame that because of people like the pp many who reconcile keep their experiences to themselves. It'd never judge someone for leaving a cheating partner - all our circumstances are different and I certainly explored, and still explore sometimes that option. But there certainly is a way forward for a couple that wants that.

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@Allthegoodonesareg0ne
I'm sorry you have had to go through the devastation of betrayal, no one who understands this would ever blame you for the decisions you are making.
This is right for you at this time, reconcilliation is helping you heal, to become stronger to stabalize.

That poster, who knows whether she's ever been betrayed but some people who have never experienced it may have other knowledge, they may have greater resources and support therefore thinking they would have no need to 'put up' with a cheater, and their love maybe a different kind of love to others.
It's one thing you have to learn that some know and some don't, and everyone is on a different timeline with healing, some incadesant with rage, some sad beyond hope and others that just don't have a clue.

Anyway we all do what we do firstly for survival, we are all completly different with explicit solutions to our own situations, many people go through trying to reconcile, I think it's part of the process of being with a partner who wanted to cake eat, meaning they never really wanted divorce they just wanted you to remain dormant till you were required again.

One thing I will say is that after a year your journey is still in it's infancy, do not think what you have decided now is written in stone, things can change and you are totally within your rights to change course at any time, remember that, you can be in charge of this recovery.

I honestly wish you well, one day this stuff will bounce off you regardless of whether you are married or single, it just takes time.

Heal well.
x

daddysgirlnot · 17/08/2025 16:39

Yes, I do. A friend had a brief 2 week fling. Her hubby had porn addiction at the time and totally dismissed her heartbreak. It took the fling to give him a wake up call that she might actually walk away from him. They went to Relate weekly for many months. Still together 30years later and very much in love. I’m the only friend she told. They’re the sort of couple you’d envy if you met them, because the dote on each other.

WickerLove · 17/08/2025 17:49

@TreadingTrepidatious

Have you sorted it yet op ?

There must be right algorithm out there, just keep searching.

Bittenonce · 17/08/2025 18:25

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/08/2025 15:56

What makes you think I "haven't been there"? I've had a relationship with someone who cheated.

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It’s just that not all cheating is the same. Not all cheats are the same. Just as not all relationships are the same. Simplistic answers aren’t going to help, I’m afraid. Sure there are some black and white complete bastard cases, but I don’t think this is one of them.

Wrenjay · 17/08/2025 18:47

My H cheated with a "ballroom partner" female. We are living together but I am still traumatised 6 years later. Wishing I had been stronger and put him out of my life.

MuckFusk · 17/08/2025 22:29

Whatado · 17/08/2025 07:56

And this is one of the biggest issues I have with reconciliation.

The manipulation of the missing needs narrative that means usually a betrayed spouse turning them upside down to make a cheater feel sexually anything. Then the hysterical bonding and reclaiming. That actually when the shock starts to wear off it can be extremely harmful.

1.Its driven by trauma rather than true intimacy, sexual desire and is really routed in fear.

2.Underpinned by fear creates a bigger power inbalance in the relationship. Your so called loving spouse relys on the missing needs theory to justify their gross betrayal of you, so the need fill that need for sex to stop it happening again becomes center.
Despite the fact that need wasn't actually a need at all. It was a want. And when the shock wears of the realisation that filling that so called need actually clashes with a betrayeds need to feel safety and security.

3.It can be incredibly harmful when the shock clears and be very re traumatising for a betrayed spouse when they consider if they actually wanted to engage in anything sexual or if it was as stated above from fear rather than desire.

Your take on love is very interesting and a good example of how people convince themselves cheating is ever ok. Because its routed in defining love in what the other person does for you. Not what you do or contribute to the other person.

By that definition you can 100% be convinced that you can love someone and cheat on them. The question isnt though if the cheater can say the love the person they cheated on.

Its if that definition of love is something a betrayed spouse can live with.

I couldn't. Its no different than my husband walking up and punching me in the face. That extent of harm is not routed in love. Neither is sexual assault. Which I see cheating as if you are still engaging in sex with a partner.

Its all routed in the cheater failing to control themselves and their so called need to prioritise their feelings in a moment over the incredible harm they will cause to someone else.

I also laughed so hard with the couldn't stop themselves. We all have free will in life. And every minute of every day we choose who we are, how we show up, how we engage with others. All in our control

Edited

Brilliant post.

MuckFusk · 17/08/2025 22:30

Wrenjay · 17/08/2025 18:47

My H cheated with a "ballroom partner" female. We are living together but I am still traumatised 6 years later. Wishing I had been stronger and put him out of my life.

It's not too late to have a better life.

MuckFusk · 17/08/2025 22:42

outerspacepotato · 17/08/2025 11:34

My take on cheating is a bit different.

Individual counseling first for 6 months for both the person who cheated and the spouse.

My thoughts are cheating is abuse. It's physical in that the spouse is exposed to different flora and possible stis from the affair partner that did not agree to. It's emotional and mental in that the spouse's feelings of hurt and betrayal can be so devastating that forms of PTSD can occur. It's financial when sums of money have been spent on facilitating the affair and gifting to the affair partner. It also can violate consent in that the spouse had agreed to a monogamous sexual relationship that they don't know is no longer monogamous. Would they consent to sex under that condition?

Couples therapy is not indicated when there's abuse in the marriage. Marital counseling sees the relationship as the patient and that disregards the needs of the victim. The spouse should not be taking on blame for the marriage breakdown here. It can also make power Imbalances worse. There can be dishonesty. The spouse might not feel safe. All these render marital counseling ineffective.

All of this. On the matter of dishonesty in therapy, it stands to reason that somebody who lies to a spouse will also lie to a therapist. So how could you trust that this person isn't just saying what you and the therapist want to hear? I know people who went to therapy to reconcile with cheaters who lied the whole time, were still cheating and not the least interested in repairing the relationship. They wasted more precious years of their lives on a completely lost cause. Therapists can be fooled by experienced liars too.

MuckFusk · 17/08/2025 22:47

Whatado · 17/08/2025 11:47

I always love when someone cracks out Maslows Hierarchy of needs in defence of abuse.

And that's what cheating is a form of abuse against your partner.

Which then fundamentally shatters and fails to deliver on their needs. It is hypocritical in its presentation and still driven from a excuse based thought process.

The structure of needs is based on survival and wellbeing yes. But having an affair and justifying it on the basis of emotional unmet needs removes the underpinning moral and ethical decision making aspect which aligns to self actualization.

If your ethical and moral compass recognises cheating for what it truly is, the self actualization aspect means you are far less likely to be do it. Because your own internal moral compass and view of your self is off high value to you.

There is so much manipulation evident in your post I hope the betrayed spouse whom ever they are out of the two of you is seeking therapy independently of couples and specifically trauma based.

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Agree. They learn new ways to manipulate using therapy-speak drivel. The post sounds exactly like that sort of crap.

Original poster

TreadingTrepidatious · 18/08/2025 04:17

1111111111111Bum · 17/08/2025 11:25

Why not get counselling beforehand to sort these issues out instead of sleeping with someone else?

As I said upthread, your partner needs to leave you because you are toxic!

Edited

The betrayer was reluctant to bring couple’s therapy up to the betrayed, because in the past the suggestion was met with a lot of distain.

OP posts:

Original poster

TreadingTrepidatious · 18/08/2025 04:17

1111111111111Bum · 17/08/2025 11:25

Why not get counselling beforehand to sort these issues out instead of sleeping with someone else?

As I said upthread, your partner needs to leave you because you are toxic!

Edited

The betrayer was reluctant to bring couple’s therapy up to the betrayed, because in the past the suggestion was met with a lot of distain.

OP posts:

PigletSanders · 18/08/2025 04:37

TreadingTrepidatious · 18/08/2025 04:17

The betrayer was reluctant to bring couple’s therapy up to the betrayed, because in the past the suggestion was met with a lot of distain.

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It was definitely you who cheated. This confirms it.

Also, MN tends to offer vast swathes of support to the ‘betrayed’ party, not abuse like you have tried to make out in order to justify not owning up to the fact that you’re the one who cheated.

Also your desperate positivity about counselling suggests you’re the desperate party trying to save the marriage because you’re the one that threw a hand grenade into it.

Original poster

TreadingTrepidatious · 18/08/2025 04:43

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 17/08/2025 11:45

Which ever you are, you are still making excuses for the betrayer.
I agree with you that part of reconciliation is making sure you are both meeting each other needs moving forward.
But even when a marriage is not a happy one, each has choices- work to fix it or end it. Continuing to play happy families with the betrayed spouse while engaging in an affair is on the betraying spouse only.
In my situation, my dh after therapy and self reflection has recognised that his actions prior to the affair were the biggest contributory factors to any issues in our marriage. He's seen that a change in his actions has made a happier marriage. He recognises that he continued to say he loved mr and that he was happy even when he was not - giving us no chance to fix anything. He recognises that during the affair he ascribed blame for his unhappiness to me to justify his actions to himself. He also recognises that he is an avoidant, who didn't know how to talk about what was going on for him and that he felt the need to play the part of a loving husband rather than enter a true partnership.
On my side there's been work to do too, but he's fully owned the affair and genuinely ascribes no blame to me at all (he did in the beginning mind you).
You can't claim any part of your marriage resulted in betrayal as one of you was doing that completely in secret whilst manipulating the other so that it remained a secret.

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>Which ever you are, you are still making excuses for the betrayer.

Neither of us are doing that.

>You can't claim any part of your marriage resulted in betrayal as one of you was doing that completely in secret whilst manipulating the other so that it remained a secret.

These are entirely separate things. The betrayer took notice of these unmet needs and felt that they made a lot of effort to express them to the betrayed. The betrayer felt that maybe the betrayed either didn’t care enough to engage in conversation (or possibly, simply couldn’t: perhaps that was just their personality, to not be chatty?) and/or just didn’t feel passion or desire for the betrayed— neither of which were actually true, but that wasn’t known until after the affair came to light. The betrayer preferred the betrayed to the affair partner, and tried to get their needs met from their spouse first and foremost. It was ultimately a failure in communication between us— the betrayed sensed that something was wrong/off and withdrew even further, and the betrayer interpreted that as a sign that their needs would never get met by their spouse, so the betrayer gave up prematurely and turned to the affair.

Both of us wish that it didn’t take a whole affair to get us talking like this, but it did. What a costly thing

OP posts:

PigletSanders · 18/08/2025 04:53

This is a frustrating read.

Horsie · 18/08/2025 04:53

I think it depends a lot on why the affair happened. If it happened while everything in the marriage was great, I think that would be very hard to recover from. Like some people say "Oh, my marriage and spouse are great, I just wanted more." 🤮 How could you ever guarantee that it would never happen again, if it happened when everything was good? I cannot imagine recovering from that.

BUT, if the cheating happened after a long period of battles, and neglect, and maybe a long time without sex, at least the cheating would make more "sense," as it were. Like, at least you know that your spouse probably wouldn't have done that if the marriage was OK. It's not necessarily sociopath territory like the above.

It also depends if they have feelings for the person they slept with. If not, sometimes I do wonder if we put too much emphasis on sexual fidelity. Sometimes I think, is it really worth blowing up entire lives and throwing years and years away just because of a bit of in and out? But I'm fully aware that if it happened to me, I might not be able to get past it despite that rational approach.

Original poster

TreadingTrepidatious · 18/08/2025 05:01

Whatado · 17/08/2025 11:47

I always love when someone cracks out Maslows Hierarchy of needs in defence of abuse.

And that's what cheating is a form of abuse against your partner.

Which then fundamentally shatters and fails to deliver on their needs. It is hypocritical in its presentation and still driven from a excuse based thought process.

The structure of needs is based on survival and wellbeing yes. But having an affair and justifying it on the basis of emotional unmet needs removes the underpinning moral and ethical decision making aspect which aligns to self actualization.

If your ethical and moral compass recognises cheating for what it truly is, the self actualization aspect means you are far less likely to be do it. Because your own internal moral compass and view of your self is off high value to you.

There is so much manipulation evident in your post I hope the betrayed spouse whom ever they are out of the two of you is seeking therapy independently of couples and specifically trauma based.

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I do not understand why you cannot grasp that I am not defending the infidelity here. I have said that over and over again.

Betraying one’s partner is a failure to meet their needs. But that doesn’t mean that people don’t have a need to feel desired by and connected to their romantic partner, and that one spouse in my marriage was not having those needs met before and during the affair. AND BEFORE YOU GO PARROTING THAT THAT DOESNT JUSTIFY CHEATING YET AGAIN— NO. NO IT DOES NOT.

The point is, We. Are. Staying. Together. Therefore, we must both be better to one another. There is no hypocrisy going on here.

>The structure of needs is based on survival and wellbeing yes. But having an affair and justifying it on the basis of emotional unmet needs removes the underpinning moral and ethical decision making aspect which aligns to self actualization.
If your ethical and moral compass recognises cheating for what it truly is, the self actualization aspect means you are far less likely to be do it. Because your own internal moral compass and view of your self is off high value to you.

This fails to acknowledge the fact that the Hierarchy of Needs is a pyramid, and you cannot access the higher levels without having access to the basic needs first and foremost. “Self actualization” is the very top of the pyramid, and like I said, “love and belonging” are in the middle. So it makes sense that a person who is able to recognize cheating as immoral would feel immense temptation to have an affair anyway if their need for love and belonging wasn’t being met by their spouse. It all ties back into the weakening of the willpower and how that leads to engaging in one’s vices… or are you so perfect that you’ve never experienced that kind of internal conflict before?

OP posts:

PigletSanders · 18/08/2025 05:07

TreadingTrepidatious · 18/08/2025 05:01

I do not understand why you cannot grasp that I am not defending the infidelity here. I have said that over and over again.

Betraying one’s partner is a failure to meet their needs. But that doesn’t mean that people don’t have a need to feel desired by and connected to their romantic partner, and that one spouse in my marriage was not having those needs met before and during the affair. AND BEFORE YOU GO PARROTING THAT THAT DOESNT JUSTIFY CHEATING YET AGAIN— NO. NO IT DOES NOT.

The point is, We. Are. Staying. Together. Therefore, we must both be better to one another. There is no hypocrisy going on here.

>The structure of needs is based on survival and wellbeing yes. But having an affair and justifying it on the basis of emotional unmet needs removes the underpinning moral and ethical decision making aspect which aligns to self actualization.
If your ethical and moral compass recognises cheating for what it truly is, the self actualization aspect means you are far less likely to be do it. Because your own internal moral compass and view of your self is off high value to you.

This fails to acknowledge the fact that the Hierarchy of Needs is a pyramid, and you cannot access the higher levels without having access to the basic needs first and foremost. “Self actualization” is the very top of the pyramid, and like I said, “love and belonging” are in the middle. So it makes sense that a person who is able to recognize cheating as immoral would feel immense temptation to have an affair anyway if their need for love and belonging wasn’t being met by their spouse. It all ties back into the weakening of the willpower and how that leads to engaging in one’s vices… or are you so perfect that you’ve never experienced that kind of internal conflict before?

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We get it. You cheated. Your husband wasn’t meeting your needs. Now you’re both closer than ever. Therapy speak, therapy speak. Yady yady yada.

What's all this for though?

Horsie · 18/08/2025 05:18

OP: Sometimes people do things that are hurtful to those they love. Take, for example, if you get into a row with your mother, and you say something hurtful in anger during. You still love her, even if you’re not behaving lovingly in that moment… Obviously cheating is much worse, but the same principle applies.

This. So many people treat their spouses absolutely horribly, but as long as they don't have sex with anyone else, they still think they're not as bad as someone who did. There are multiple ways to betray someone, and I think some of them are a bad as sexual betrayal. I cannot even describe to you what living with my ex-H was like, yet I'm sure he never cheated. I think I would have preferred a much better day-to-day relationship with a hidden sexual betrayal, if I had a Choose your Own Crap Adventure book. The damage inflicted on me by him was immense, yet he never looked at another woman.

Society needs to stop holding up sexual betrayal as the pinnacle of betrayals. It's not.

Horsie · 18/08/2025 05:43

Another thought: I have always thought that marriages can only survive cheating if the betrayed is able, at some point, to really consign that episode to the past. It won't work if they bring it up still years later. There's no real fixing it; it's not like the cheater can take it back. The betrayed must accept that at some point they are going to have to let the cheater off the hook, if they want the marriage to work. Not surprisingly, many people can't do that.

If the betrayed did a lot of things to neglect the spouse and refused to listen to the complaints, it helps if they are able to see that their neglect and failure to cherish and nurture their marriage helped bring about the infidelity. (If that's what happened, of course.) If the betrayed is able to put aside their ego and think, "Yeah, I did make them feel horrendous, a lot" and accepts that their behaviour contributed, I think the marriage has more chance.

However, many people still buy into sexual infidelity as being the pinnacle of betrayal and that nothing they've ever done to their spouse can ever match that betrayal. If they see sexual infidelity as the worst thing a spouse can do to them, worse than any abuse that the betrayed might have meted out, then the marriage will not survive.

Highlighta · 18/08/2025 06:00

Good lord what an utter lot of crap.

OP so you cheated on your husband and now are manipulating him as you want your cake and to eat it.

Just the way you write is obvious how manipulative you are.

You got caught and are now trying every tactic to get him to stay.

I hope he finds this thread.