Has anyone successfully recovered from infidelity with couple’s therapy?

[TreadingTrepidatious]

Infidelity was discovered within my marriage last night, and we have an appointment with a marriage counselor on the 24th (which feels like forever away!). Just wondering if it’s helped anyone to get their marriage back to a good place, and if you’d be willing to talk about the process. Thanks in advance

I was too late to edit, but if by some small chance you are the cheated on partner, you are being very much manipulated.

Why was the betrayed reluctant to engage in couples therapy in the past? ‘Disdain’ might have been what the betrayer interpreted from this, but the betrayed had reasons - what were they?

You are tying yourself in knots now making excuses - it's frustrating.
Its pretty simple - betrayer decided to cheat rather than address the issues in their marriage.
Done. That's literally it.
If they tried to fix them and it was unsuccessful they should have left and gone from there.
In no way is the betrayed responsible responsible the infidelity.
In no way was an affair the betrayer only choice.
In no world is an affair the magic pill that saves a marriage!
You are clearly the betrayer here to be spouting this waffle.

All those words to sum up that the betrayed led 'the betrayer' to cheat.
If you were saying the betrayed was not making the betrayer happy, betrayer tried to express that and got no where so the betrayer left - before betraying - we'd all understand.
Have a look at Nathan Ross on Facebook. He explains why you are missing the point really well.

I’ve just realised the OP started by saying the infidelity (hers, obvs) was only discovered ‘last night’, now suddenly they’re neck deep in therapy, both desperate to save the marriage and doing well with therapy.

Really?

Ignore me. Older thread than I knew.

Its still only a month. The betrayed in this hasn't had time to process yet. There is still a good chance that they will reconsider their options - I know I have several times in the last year.
To be fair that also means 'the betrayer' is doing exactly what's expected and blaming the spouse / marriage and still has to work through what it was in her that led her to be unfaithful

@TreadingTrepidatious i’m going to ask you again, what happens when the betrayed has something happen that means they cannot make the cheat feel sexually desired and connect at that deeper level, illness, financial concerns, work worries, will the cheat feel their ‘level 3 needs’ are not being met again and have another affair?

Your logic is utter nonsense and still all about the cheat feeling entitled to cheat because because because... excuse, excuse, excuse…

Can you imagine if we used Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to justify all morally corrupt behaviour?

You cheated because you wanted to. You had options but you wanted to. You chose to abuse your betrayed partner because you are not a safe partner… own that.

You do realise if the betrayer continues down this path of blaming the betrayed there will be some serious hatred entering the equasion.

But crack on, god knows what this post is, a sort of validation for the crap coming out of the betrayer's mouth.

Be honest would be my advice, about the affair, about the reasons the betrayer wants to stay, for financial reasons for example, security, or maybe even their warped idea of love.

You cannot control someone's opinion of you, you also can't expect love to mean being forgiven for an affair.

The betrayer has never threatened to leave if their needs are not met. That’s kind of a huge factor in the affair— if the betrayer felt that they could or wanted to exit the marriage when they thought their needs might never get met and they already had feelings for someone else, they would have just left and started the new relationship instead of cheating. Both of us would clearly rather go through an awful lot than live without the other.

The betrayer didn’t understand how badly the affair would hurt the betrayed and damage the relationship, never having had cheated nor been cheated on in the past.The betrayer is also a little bit… different, in this respect, where it is not thought that they would feel nearly as as hurt if the betrayed cheated. So it was difficult for the betrayer to empathize properly and to accurately predict the consequences of their actions. But they know now, and have a great deal of remorse for what they’ve done.

This whole fiasco also leads to increased awareness of just how easy it is to develop feelings for other people if you spend enough time with them. It is much easier to cut off) or at least drastically distance oneself from) a person before you have full blown feelings for them, which the betrayer understands they should have done way before the line was crossed. I think both of us will be better able to recognize when taking preventative action is necessary now.

Additionally, the betrayer knows now that communicating their needs to the betrayed might require patience and persistence, and that the betrayed is willing to put in effort to meet them, though the betrayer might have to be louder or more explicit, and give the betrayed adequate time to enact change. Furthermore, it has been made very clear that the marriage will not continue if the betrayer commits infidelity again. In combination, I think these are all very good prevention.

Again, I will not say who cheated and who didn’t. That’s not the point of the post.

They betrayed is actually the one who insisted on couples counseling for this instance on the day of the confrontation about it; since the betrayer immediately agreed to it, it was quickly scheduled. As I have said, I don’t know I how much it is actually helping, as we seem to be working through it pretty well on our own time. The counselor even said so.

But keep on making your venomous assumptions.

The betrayed is very busy, and attends their own therapy sessions. They also had some experiences with couples counseling in the past where it didn’t help because their ex wasn’t able to admit their part in the breakdown of the relationship or put in any effort to change. They were reluctant to make time in their schedule for more sessions in case it might go the same way, or for instances of marital issues they thought we could work through well enough on our own.

In this instance, it was clear to the betrayed that this was a big issue and they didn’t think we could handle it ourselves, as the betrayer said they tried to communicate with the betrayed and it didn’t work, and the betrayer is willing to recognize their own faults. So couples counseling seemed right.

Did you read anything I wrote?

Neither of us are making excuses for the infidelity. It’s inexcusable. I’ve said over and over there are no justifications for it. The betrayer is in no way blaming the betrayed for the infidelity.

The betrayer did try, and has documentation of all the things they tried through communication with others on social media, as they were trying to work through their feelings and quit the affair when it was going on. Quite simply, the betrayed did not understand what the betrayer what trying to communicate, and therefore did not try to make anything better. They withdrew, and actually made things seem hopeless for the betrayer.

The betrayer did not want to leave the marriage at any point. That’s a big part of the cheating: a cheater wants their spouse AND the affair partner. (Side note: I think it’s so funny that others are accusing me of being emotionless and black-and-white when keep encountering responses like this one. “Oh it’s so cut and dry! If the betrayer felt this way, then they should have done this. But they didn’t, so clearly they felt this other way.” Like, no lol. It’s a lot more complex than that.)

" The betrayer didn’t understand how badly the affair would hurt the betrayed and damage the relationship."

The betrayer is either stupid or a liar. My guess is the latter.

If you’ve never gotten a tattoo, and you generally have a very high pain tolerance, do you think that you might be more inclined to believe that tattoos are not really all that painful? Sure, some people cry or even leave in the middle of their appointment, but others don’t even flinch, and certainly lots of people get more than one tattoo…And they say some tats hurt worse than others, depending on the nature of the tattoo and the placement. So really, how do you predict what it’ll feel like?

Or, if you don’t have kids yet, and people tell you, “Having a new baby is so hard! They take up so much of your time that it’s difficult to even care for yourself or maintain your own sense of identity, and the sleep deprivation is insane. The level of exhaustion is unbelievable, but you’ll love your baby more than you’ve ever loved anyone in your life…” How can you relate to that? You can’t even imagine it until it happens to you. I remember thinking, before I had my first, that I’d get right back to exercising and I’d keep going to uni full time and that I’d be able to balance that and baby care and keeping up with my household… I heard what people were saying but I thought they were exaggerating. I couldn’t comprehend what being a new mum would actually be like at all, that I would hardly even be functional, let alone accomplish all these things.

Again (and it pains me to have to keep repeating myself), I’m not justifying the infidelity. But I don’t think naivety is the same thing as stupidity, and there is no reason to assume the betrayer is lying about their failure to predict the severity of the consequences when they had no experience with it.

If you’ve never gotten a tattoo, and you generally have a very high pain tolerance, do you think that you might be more inclined to believe that tattoos are not really all that painful?
I have a very high tolerance for pain. Before my first tattoo, I knew to expect that I might still find it very painful, because I’d heard about the experiences of other people. With so much anecdotal information available, I would consider somebody who didn’t even consider the possibility of pain to be quite stupid.

I don’t think naivety is the same thing as stupidity, and there is no reason to assume the betrayer is lying about their failure to predict the severity of the consequences when they had no experience with it.
Unless the betrayer has spent their entire life in an isolated cabin in the woods, with no contact with the outside world, they will have been exposed to the absolute devastation affairs can cause to the betrayed partner. Maybe not personally, but through friends, colleagues, acquaintances, media, or (if the betrayer is you), on here.

I think we can assume the betrayer is lying - possibly to themselves - about their ability to predict the potential consequences of their actions.

No

When you've got dozens of people telling you the sky is blue and you keep insisting it's green there comes a point you have to consider if need your eyes tested....

You have managed to hit cheater’s handbook bingo with your last few posts.

Cheat didn’t feel desired/connected enough - check
Cheat didn’t like affair partner as much as betrayed - check
Cheat really REALLY tried to be ‘heard’ but betrayed just wouldn’t listen - check
Cheat didn’t think that cheating was ‘that’ painful - check
Cheat would never have left marriage for affair partner - check
Cheat was surprised betrayed was as hurt as they were - check
Cheat isn’t making excuses but… but… but…

Come on OP you only need cheat told betrayed that they thought ‘they loved them but wasn’t in love with them’ and you’ve knocked it out the park.

Why are you not shifting focus from the relationship to the abuser, the cheat? Are they conflict avoidant, what attachment style do they have, do they have foo issues, need validation and ego kibbles fed to them, do they have addiction issues (affairs produce powerful highs), unresolved past relationship issues etc etc. This is where the movement to being a safe partner happens.

TBH if the thinking of the cheat in this situation, had been my husband’s thought patterns and I had chosen to stay with him, I think I could easily have justified revenge cheating because he wasn’t exactly meeting my level 3 needs!

You are like a broken record.

No matter what anyone says, off you go once again.saying no one is listening to you. And repeating the same crap over and over.

Give you poor husband space so he can decide how he wants to go forward. You cheated. He doesn't have to forgive, forget and analyse things like you are demanding he do.

When I read yet another long word salad post from you, I have visions of a bull in a china shop.

I think there is a serious fear of loss here.

They have a lot to lose.

So much so, reality has left the building, confusion and desperation reigns.

It’s more like dozens of people are looking out of their windows and telling me the sky is overcast, when I’m telling them that where I am, it’s partly cloudy. They aren’t listening to what it is I’m saying and they’re projecting their own feelings and misinterpreting my words, and then telling me I’m the crazy one with the wonky perception of my own situation. It’s to be expected on this site, tbh, especially on a topic like infidelity.

So why post here.

Oh, I know. Because you always have to prove a point is the top guess.

If you lot actually tried to understand what I’m saying instead of shutting me down and insisting you know what it is I think and feel and what the situation is better than I do, then maybe I wouldn’t have to repeat myself in attempt to correct you. Have you ever considered that? Probably not.

How is the betrayer “demanding” the betrayed forgive them? The betrayed is electing to reconcile and remain in the relationship of their own will. Obviously moving forward in the relationship requires some degree of forgiveness, otherwise what kind of relationship even is that? Just being angry and resentful to your spouse for the rest of your lives? Nobody is saying the betrayed has to forget about the infidelity.

This whole conversation is so ridiculous. I don’t know why I even bother. It’s mental masochism at this point.

I have no idea what you’re talking about honestly. The betrayer had an affair. They lied and betrayed and hurt the betrayed. What else is there to acknowledge?

It’s not fair of you to make me explain what it is that happened, what we think and how we feel, and then make it sound like the honest answers are hyperfocused on the faults of the betrayed.

Once again, cheating is never justified. If your needs aren’t being met in a relationship, you do your best to communicate them, and either your partner meets them or they don’t. The morally correct response if they don’t is either to go without or to leave. If you cheat because you were cheated on first (or whatever it is you’re insinuating; I’m not sure if I’m understanding you properly or not) that’s certainly a reason for doing so, but it’s not a valid justification.

Why is anyone bothering to reply to TreadingTedious?