>Let’s break it down. For people who don’t value monogamy they normally make it clear early on- it is something they discuss because they know the standard model of relationships involves sexual exclusivity.
It seems you struggled to conceptualise your husband having a different view to you on this matter, and were very very surprised to find out how he really thinks.
I told DH from the beginning that I don’t require strict monogamy from him. We laid out our boundaries that we each felt comfortable with, and discussed them very thoroughly. We’ve updated them if we felt any differently or if they weren’t working for us… I knew when I was crossing a line, and that he would be “hurt.” I just didn’t understand exactly how severe that hurt would be, and that might be related to me not being able to imagine feeling that way if he did the same thing.
>Firstly, you have assumed that an AP is going to be satisfied with “Oh she doesn’t mind.” rather than seeing how that answer will lead to a much deeper conversation between your DH and an AP, and deepening their bond whilst you are out of their little circle of trust, and the downstream consequences on your marriage from that.
I think you keep viewing this from the lens of “oh they’re doing this sneaky thing together that Treading definitely does mind,” instead of starting from the point of me not minding. A) If I don’t mind, there’s no reason for it be a secret, B) if it’s not a secret, then it’s not an affair, and the extramarital partner (let’s call her that) isn’t an affair partner, C) it’s not really that deep of a conversation topic, and D) they’re not forming a “little circle of trust” as a result of a secret. They’re just shagging. DH struggles to even hold conversations with me; I doubt he’s going to be unusually chatty with an EP.
>The second part that you struggled to conceptualise was a situation where the trust be abused was over something you really do value Is there anything that would really hurt if your husband treated it shabbily behind your back? (ok, not sexual fidelity but you will know if there is something else: Money; your career; some possession?)
I just don’t think anything else really compares. There has to be a context for why he would be financially irresponsible, hurt my career (which would be extra dumb considering the benefits we get from my employment) or break something important to me… and even then it’s like, I can’t hold a grudge to save my life. There’s only a handful of things I might divorce over, and none of them seem anywhere near as insignificant as what would count as infidelity to me.
>I also think you have missed something about walking away, very often people walk away to be alone, but away from the person who has put them through this horrific experience. You assume he would only leave to set up a new home with a deeply nurtured someone else, but he may also leave to be alone- or demand that you leave, and be alone.
I did not assume he would only leave with someone else; I’m not sure where you picked that up from…There has to be a really compelling reason to walk away from the life we’ve built together, and to split up our family. We are both very much against that. Like I said, I knew that cheating on him would “hurt.” I didn’t think it would be something that hurt badly enough for him to exit the marriage. If him leaving over infidelity was a legitimate concern of mine, that’s something that would weigh a lot more heavily on the scale against getting my needs met through an affair.