Has anyone successfully recovered from infidelity with couple’s therapy?

[TreadingTrepidatious]

Infidelity was discovered within my marriage last night, and we have an appointment with a marriage counselor on the 24th (which feels like forever away!). Just wondering if it’s helped anyone to get their marriage back to a good place, and if you’d be willing to talk about the process. Thanks in advance

You are better than staying with a cheater. If they’ve done it once, they’ll do it again.

That’s an interesting way of saying ‘found out my spouse cheated on me’

Is it the first time? How did you find out? Honestly I feel if you forgive someone once you’re basically giving them a free pass to do it again and again. People treat you how you allow them to

just to say I am an adult daughter and my parents had this type of counselling )when I was 13 when I found out one of them had cheated and had to tell the other). They tried to stay together but it was awful, and have only just separated (but still live together) now that I’m 30. It doesn’t work.

if you have children with this man, they will know by how bad the atmosphere is

Can I ask does it affect you longer term? And did your parents ever try to get you on side so to speak? If you look at my previous posts you’ll understand why I’m asking

I read it as 'my spouse found out I cheated'!

I never thought about that. That would make sense especially as the original poster doesn’t sound that angry

Yes, the poster sounds awfully calm, and as though they'd really like the boat not to be rocked by this piffling indiscretion if it can be helped.

Incredibly weird use of passive voice. “Infidelity was discovered within my marriage.” Who are the actors? who did what? Who discovered and who cheated?

And I’m curious as to the subconscious psychology behind removing blame from such an intense event?

I’m guessing you cheated from the way you’ve worded this and are now hoping relationship counselling will solve all your problems.

relationship counselling is not suggested as a first port of call for infidelity. It should be individual counselling first, betrayed to heal from the trauma, cheat to understand the deep rooted broken that led to them cheating. You need to access some resources ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ is a great book, ‘cheating in a nutshell’ will help the cheat understand the damage and trauma they have caused. Surviving infidelity website can offer further guidance whether you stay or go.

MN is very black and white about reconciliation in a relationship after cheating but I know many couples who have repaired and are very happy. But it takes work and both parties being fully on board.

My close friend had marriage counselling when she cheated. It didn’t work and they are now divorced. Her husband could not trust her and it just prolonged the agony.

Depends on who did what, when, where and with whom. I do know people that have recovered, more commonly after a stupid drunken ons. They often attended couples counselling to address the issues in the relationship. But if it is a long term thing and even worse, with a friend or family member. Then no.

In my opinion counseling after an infidaleity sounds like: "yes, I cheated, but we are going to say out load a few things in front of a stranger and pay for it because you are as much to blame for this than me". I wouldn't even entertain the idea of going to counselling.

“Mrspatmoresapprentice · Today 06:34

Depends on who did what, when, where and with whom. I do know people that have recovered, more commonly after a stupid drunken ons. They often attended couples counselling to address the issues in the relationship. But if it is a long term thing and even worse, with a friend or family member. Then no.”

This.

Also I agree with some PP - your wording is odd so I also read this as you having been the unfaithful party. However, if you’re the injured party, then I’m very sorry you’re in this position.

In any case, I think relationships can sometimes survive infidelity if the unfaithful party works hard enough for long enough to rebuild trust and the injured party becomes able to trust again. But only time will tell whether that’s the case. So you won’t know for a long time whether your relationship will truly survive this. If you’re the person who had the affair, own it. Don’t try to blame your partner for it because that’s a truly shitty thing to do and a further betrayal of your partner.

I also agree with @Mrspatmoresapprentice. An affair is very different from drunken sex on a night out.

One of my best friends and her husband “recovered” from her affair, counselling being part of the recovery process. Six years later they’re way happier than before the affair happened. It takes a lot of work on both sides though, and I think it’s quite rare for people to be able to do that work and really let go of the blame and resentment.

I thought we were doing ok with the counselling. Til I found out about the next one! It all depends how much love you have for each other still I think.

It is very different.

An affair usually involves a breathtaking amount of calculated lying and deceit and planning. And of course often involves feelings for the affair partner.

However I struggle to understand how having "drunken sex on a night out" is deemed by some to be somehow forgiveable. Because to me the sheer opportunistic randomness would deem the unfaithful partner to be untrustworthy for ever. Unless they never went off by themselves and had too much alcohol ever againt then there is absolutely no reason to believe they wouldn't do exactly the same thing again.

Not you again. Is this the 24 year old that you shagged whilst you were on a work trip?

I don’t think it’s necessarily forgivable. And both acts can end in the same conclusion.

It’s just a completely different thing from an affair. Like you say, an affair is sustained deceit and there’s a possible emotional connection there. The person is getting something from the affair that isn’t just purely sex, so it’s worse.

No amount of counselling could ever work for me. The marriage would be absolutely dead if I discovered dh had cheated - my ex left me for an ex he’d found on Facebook and when I found out that was that.

I think to say one is worse than the other is the wrong way to approach it. Its all so debatable. Some would argue that throwing your partner under a bus by having an affair with someone they actually care about is more understandable than betraying their marriage or partner for a purely meaningless sexual thrill.

At the end of the day they are both acts of betrayal and trust.

And they fundamentally change the dynamics of the relationship. I don't see how trust can ever be regained or the hurt assuaged in either case.

Couples counselor here.
I've had plenty of couples come in trying to work through infidelity. Some made it. Most didn't.

If as I suspect you were the one cheating, please stop using passive terms like 'infidelity was discovered'. The problem isn't that infidelity was discovered. The problem happened when it was committed.
If you did this, stop minimising it with your words. Own up to the horrible thing you did and face the consequences. Having to wait 7 days for an appointment with a counselor is more than reasonable (my waiting time is over 6 months). Rushing through the process isn't going to force your spouse to get over it quicker.
You messed up. You get to be uncomfortable now. No one is responsible for making your discomfort go away. You're supposed to feel like shit now. You're supposed to be afraid. You're supposed to feel guilty.

Cheating is selfish. The couples who make it through infidelity, all have one thing in common. The cheating spouse stops being selfish.
They take the consequences of what they did with grace and humility.
They give their spouse time to heal. Their time, not yours.
They carry the burden of their emotions.
They don't have any expectations for others to fix what they messed up.
They don't shift blame and say: you made me do it
They give any bit of information that the spouse asks, no withholding for any reason.
They don't dictate how long the spouse can keep bringing it up.

If you're ready to stop being selfish, then by all means go to therapy and see where it leads you. But don't expect others to fix your discomfort. You caused it. You deal with it. Focus on the hurt you caused your spouse and put that first, for once.

You found out someone in the marriage cheated last night and at 2 am in the morning you’re already posting that you have arranged therapy appointments?! That’s quite the accelerated trajectory.

Thank you for the recommendations. I will definitely check those out.