Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

Something has happened though (I’ve no idea what) but I doubt he saw a male celebrity on tv, thought he’s nice and suddenly realised he’s bi and must immediately declare it to the world. There’s more going on but only he knows what that is.

What do you mean by ‘who really cares’.

I had a later-in-life realisation about my sexuality. I struggled with it, didn’t know what to do or how or whether to tell anyone, but ultimately I did come out and I recognise what people are saying about the feelings of euphoria at being able to be yourself, and also why he would tell the children.

But there has been a clear disregard for the OP here. I talked to my husband first, we talked together about how we would talk to the kids about it if it came up, I told a couple of close friends because it was a big thing that happened in my life and I wanted to talk about it. I hope that doesn’t make me a narcissist.

Some of the stereotyping and generalisations about bi people on here are grim. But this isn’t a theoretical exercise - the OP has had a big shock and needs to vent and get advice and work out how to navigate what happens from here.

it wasn’t okay, in my opinion, for him to tell the kids before she had a chance to process it. They will have questions their parents can’t answer yet. And the OP needs time to reckon with their feelings.

For me, I would massively have the ick based on the fact that I was completely cut out of the communication process here. It would make me feel like an afterthought and I’d question staying married to someone who treated me that way.

Mr friend's husband did this, then wanted her to allow him to do as he wanted, but wanted her and the home to stay as is. She told him, new life, new leaf and she was happy for him, but home was no longer where she wanted him, as she had also made a decision that he was no longer the husband she married or wanted, so she was pursuing what next too!

Well I do find that unfair, though as a bisexual woman I've encountered it a lot. So long as everyone is open and honest from the beginning, I don't see what there is to distrust.

I'm OP's case her husband has not been open and honest, until suddenly now when it is convenient for him he is set on telling absolutely everyone.

I would be very surprised if he truly had no idea he was bisexual before now. I would also be surprised that he wants to tell everyone without any intention of every cheating.

Tbh I’d lose my attraction to my husband on the basis that he wants to have some sort of coming out announcement about something that isn’t going to change anything. It’s just a bit cringe and attention seeking. I mean what are people supposed to say “I hear yer bi now Ted”. If he wanted to tell me he thinks he may have been bi all along I would understand that.

Could understand a big announcement if he needed to tell everyone he was gay and he was leaving me. That would make sense.

I think one of the most creepy things about this is that he told his daughters. What child wants to know anything about their parents' sex lives, and what parent would share details of their sex life with their children?

What an incredibly nuanced and thoughtful post. Had ops dh behaved in the same way as you I very much doubt she will have even needed to post. The difference is respect, honesty and a desire to both be honest but loving and kind to the person you have spent the last few decades loving.

It is not an easy situation for anyone.

Seems a bit navel gazing and self absorbed to "announce" it. If he has no intention of cheating, what does it matter? I slept with women many years ago, but as I am monogamously married (to a man) now it is irrelevant.

I am not at all bi-phobic, but I do think it's a pointless thing to announce about yourself if you're in a committed relationship. I wouldn't even refer to myself as bi, even though I may sleep with women if I were single. Because why would I need to announce my sexual preferences to the world when it's all hypothetical. I also don't feel the need to tell my husband/the world that I could be attracted to dark haired men, when he's fair etc

He is so incredibly selfish to have told your daughters without discussing it with you. It’s all great that told you that he wasn’t planning on leaving you, but did he even ask you how you felt about it and if you wanted to continue the relationship?!

Have an honest conversation with him, because your relationship won’t go back to normal as he thinks it will. The children are grown up and he may want to explore this “newfound” attraction for men… even if he claims he doesn’t want to cheat on you.

Just ran through an image of my dad doing this, it is actually the type of thing he would have done.

He did tell me something inappropriate as it happens, it was definitely because my dad was a giant narcissist and a terrible husband.

But what is you thought she was a lesbian but after 20 years together she told all her family and friends she was actually bi.

You know upfront she is bi and made a decision about your relationship on that basis. The op didn't get that opportunity

Of course you can express your view and be heard. However I am reminded of Phil Scolefueld coming out with all that guff about finding and accepting his true self and perhaps having sex with a man one day when he’s ready, then turning out to have been doing it for ages. I’m not anti bi; being bi is as normal as being straight or gay etc, but lying and expecting affirmation for it is not great.

Yes! Me too.

There was a similar thread on here a few weeks ago but the OP was a woman who'd told her DH she was bisexual after many years of marriage (I think maybe 25 or so) and he'd lost it and said he didn't want to be with her.
OP was distraught and said she never intended to sleep with women or cheat on him.
She received mixed responses too, but mostly "why on earth did you tell him?".

And so is she. He didn't have to be so dramatic about it or tell everyone straight away. He seems to have not thought about how it would affect others at all.

Same here. There's nothing brave about causing chaos and pain to your wife and kids

As a couple, one of you discussing their sex life/sexuality automatically reflects on the other. I think it's not unreasonable therefore to say you don't want that discussed with his mates at least until you get your head round it.
At the moment you sound steamrollered and have my deepest sympathy.
The way your tale unfolded reminded me of someone I knew who announced a succession of revelations (week 1, "I'm Bi" week 2, "I'm poly"....) during a period of major life change - I don't know if that's pertinent in this case.
You've obviously got some decision making to do.
Yes this just maybe self- discovery without acting upon it, or it may not, only you can decide if you have a future together but I'd certainly feel telling his mates to be an insensitive breach of joint privacy.

'bi now gay later' is HUGELY biphobic and perpetuates the stereotype that all bi people sleep around and are unfaithful.

The responses on here are awful. Yes, it's a shock for OP. But there is no evidence of cheating, nothing to say he's been sleeping around. He's simply come out to his wife, someone he probably thought he could trust. Hiding part of who you are can take a huge toll on you as a person.

I see that MN is moving on from transphobia to outright homophobia and biphobia.

Telling OP she is biphobic and prejudiced is not ‘perspective’. That is so incredibly arrogant.

The right to choose a sexual partner is protected under the Human Rights Act. This includes the freedom to form relationships and make choices about sexual activity.

This right is not just for homosexuals, bisexuals or transgenders etc.

This right is for heterosexuals as well.

You telling OP that she is biphobic and prejudiced for her sexual preferences is discrimination against her.

No... but then I wouldn't be in a romantic relationship with my son.

A parents love for their child is different to a spouses love.

No it isn’t. It’s true, for men almost always. Women no, we’re different.

Exactly. If he’s had a sudden epiphany, which is most unlikely, surely it’s respectful to tell his wife first that he’s suddenly feeling attracted to men. But it need not affect the marriage more or less than an attraction to other women. It happens. This announcing it to all and sundry strongly suggests that he’s available for an affair.

The whole process of "coming out" has a different purpose to what it once had.

People wanted to be open about being gay so that in work etc they could say "my girlfriend" etc in the same way a straight person could say "my boyfriend".

Now it's all about validation and needing to be seen as "special".

Exactly! I would feel the same way. What a difficult situation to be in.
Take your time to think about it and see what is best for you. I do hope your DDs see your side too. It is not easy if they all don’t understand you.