Need a hand hold;My DH has come out as bisexual.

[Uberella]

As the title says;my husband told within the last days that he’s bisexual and I’m absolutely broken.

He says he loves me and still wants me but he’s attracted to men too.He said he wasn’t planning on leaving me or cheating with a man.

Without telling me first he’s told our DD’s who are 18 & 20 and now he wants to tell his friends.

I feel blindsided by this;I’m still trying to process what he’s told me and now he’s telling people before I’ve even had a chance to wrap my head around it.

I’m currently an absolute mess;it’s 1.30am,I can’t stop crying and I’ve got to be in work at 8am and I don’t actually know how I’m going to function in the morning.

I don’t know what my is going to look like and I’m just spiralling.

I know you’re prepared to die on this hill but that’s not what that poster is saying and you know it. They are saying you can later find out all manner of things and are allowed to be put off. Replace ‘criminal record’ with ‘smoking’, ‘racist’ or ‘stamp collecting’. Whatever you want. People are ALLOWED to be attracted to WHOEVER they want. Isn’t that what your crusade is about? You’re a bit of a bigot.

It's no stranger than being gay. Sex in humans is primarily to reproduce and gay sex never does this, so does that not make sense either?

As it is, humans are not solely creatures of reason. If we were, conversion therapy would work (as before). Are you 100% rational and logical in all your desires?

You can even have a fantasy that’s illegal provided that’s how it remains… a fantasy.

I’m pretty sure that the men I fancy will not fancy other men. If I’m ever blindsided by my DH then I would equally be upset by the revelation. I would like to say that what has happened to the OP is very unusual and not the norm.

Are you straight?

Being a hetero and fancying men has nothing to do with the other persons sexuality as it's not always known and that's what a sexuality is.

So many straight women fantasise about Pedro Pascal or Johnathon Bailey, I'm sure there are men you have fancied that are not hetero, it's actually natural. I'm not sure how you could ever be sure about that?

it would be interesting to hear from any bisexuals why they need to tell the world? if they are married then surely this is irrelevant?!

I have a female colleague married to a male who likes to bring up her bisexuality and how it affects her as a queer working in our industry… it really really doesn’t affect her at all! Nobody would know unless she’s gone out of her way to tell them. It’s not a gossipy workplace and it’s very open and inclusive. I have lesbian and gay colleagues and none of them have any issues!

The simple definition of heterosexual will explain why I prefer my men not to fancy other men.
Just as I assume the definition of bisexual means the two people involved are not bothered either way.
Not sure what the definition is of a relationship is with one bisexual and one heterosexual? Maybe that’s the conflict that has arisen here for the OP
Not everyone is as fluid as that and that’s OK!

No, it doesn't, it states YOU are opposite sex attracted and nothing about the orientation of the other person you are attracted to. It is not defined by the other persons sexuality but YOURS.

Again, how many straight women fancy Pedro Pascal?

Many women want to be with a straight man. Get over it.

Why does it upset you so much.

Are you bisexual?

Fantasy and reality are different. I’m not even really sure what you mean about fantasing. Is it looking at a gay celebrity and thinking he is good looking? Does that make me bisexual? Does the OPs DH fantasing about men make him bisexual if he is not able to act on it with him being in a marriage with a heterosexual.

The OP is in a committed 20 year marriage which I would assume involves a sexual physical relationship. That is not a fantasy. That is a reality.

This is honestly bizarre and I struggle to see how anyone can say it’s not.

She's not upset that women don't want to date bi men she's upset that you can't understand what straight means lol

Again, that is not the definition, do what you want but it's still not the definition of heterosexuality.

Yup, saying you’re straight doesn’t mean “I am only attracted to other straight people.” You can’t control how another persons own attraction works no more than you can control your own attraction.

It would be interesting to see how many women here lay out in the beginning that any same sex attraction is a complete and total non negotiable and relationship ending issue.. OR how many just assume that because their boyfriend finds them attractive and doesn’t mention boys they are straight.

Side bar - How many so-called straight men fancy Ryan Reynolds? Definitely numbers higher than women fancying him.

I can safely assure you that I would not be with my husband if I knew he was bisexual.

My husband and I dated for very many years on and off before we got married. On the off periods he dated other women and I dated other men. I can promise you that if he was dating other men, we would not be a married couple. End of MY story.

You cannot argue with me based on what lives inside me.

You're quite right, we should really be trying much harder to fancy bisexual men, or indeed anyone whose sexual preferences turn us off. Our own desires require careful censorship and control.

I don't know if Pedro Pascal is bisexual or not, but I'd struggle to fancy him, bless him.

I actually agree with your last sentence and that's why I think the OP is right to be worried.

Imagine you've got black hair. One day your husband comes home and announces he's realised he really fancies blonde women. Wouldn't you be wondering why on earth he's telling you this now??

Then if your husband wanted to tell your daughters, friends and other family members about how he fancies women with blonde hair as well as women with black hair, wouldn't you find it strange, self-centered and suspicious?

Why is it something that the world needs to know? If he's happy with you, a black-haired woman, then why is he needing such a big deal out of liking blondes as well?

Also find it perverse how many of you equate being bisexual to having relentless sexual fantasies about men.

Im bisexual. My interests are focused on my partner. I don’t indulge in fantasies about other people. I am perfectly happy and satisfied with my partner, we have a fulfilling and happy sex life.

I have had past relationships and happy, fulfilling sex lives with women. My sexuality doesn’t change because I am in a straight monogamous relationship. It doesn’t mean I’m sex obsessed, it doesn’t mean I’m distracted thinking about boobs all day and yearn to shove my face in a vulva once again.

The over reactions are too much.

The definition of heterosexuality is the quality or characteristic of being sexually or romantically attracted exclusively to people of the other sex.

And yes, heterosexuality is protected like the other orientations.

I haven’t seen a single comment suggesting this.

There have been countless comments referencing being unhappy that their husband would be fantasising about other men.

I mean, I would be quite unhappy thinking my DH was having fantasies about other women. It has nothing to do with being bisexual. Having attraction and sexual orientation doesn’t mean passionate preoccupation.

Hetero or bisexual are labels for the individual not for the relationship.
A relationship between a heterosexual and a bisexual will look heterosexual from the outside.
This does not however preclude individuals from having a preference to what kind of individual they would like to be in a relationship with. I would not like my husband to have had a relationship with another man. Nor would I like him to announce to me 20 years into our marriage that he isn’t who he said he was.

It's perfectly possible to be happy for two consenting men having a romantic/sexual relationship with each other and not want your own husband to desire other men.

It's you who have used the term 'disgusting' to describe bi-sexuality, no one else.

It's very manipulative language from you.

I've got a question for everybody saying they would leave their husbands immediately if they admitted to any same sex attraction.

Do you view being gay as abhorrent? Disgusting? Does it frighten you? I can't picture my partner telling me anything that would make me leave him, with the exception of some truly awful things.

Do you love your husbands or is it simply that they fit your narrative/the type of man you imagined you would date? If there is love, and straightness is a condition of that love, why? What other conditions do you have in place?

I literally cannot imagine destroying years together because I found out there's a small chance my partner may find more people attractive. Women make up over 50 percent of the population, so assuming it's only based on gender not specific looks etc, there is already ample opportunity for them to cheat or have their heads turned.

Pedro Pascal hasn't clarified his sexuality so you're making an assumption there.

Presumably, you don't go around making a big thing of being bisexual now though, when you are in a monogomous heterosexual relationship? You don't make an issue by announcing it to new friends and colleagues, telling your kids out of the blue etc? And if you do, why? What relevance does it have? I don't mean you have to censor your past or your sexual feelings, or never mention it, but you do also have to consider and respect your current partner. I also think that the more time goes on the less relevant it is. Many of us have had some feelings and experiences that blur the line on where our sexuality sits, when we have been married for 20, 30 plus years that all becomes a bit 'lost in the mists of time' honestly. I find it quite cringe if a long married 40 something starts proclaiming their queerness, when every part of their life is set up to benefit from the hetreosexual norm.