Really heartbroken

[YourBrickTiger]

Hi - I am just hoping for a little help here...haven't been through a situation like I'm currently experiencing and it's very painful to the point of making me sick.

If I can kindly ask that no one advises against workplace romances, as I work with several couples, some of whom are married and even one who is divorced. I know a lot of people in my place of work who met here and are now married and still working together. So I thought it was ok for me too.

I don't have a support system. My parents have both passed away and friends that I do have keep everything at a surface level, which has made me unable to discuss this, therefore I apologise in advance for the length. I can't face anymore harsh criticism, so if you don't have time to read this as I understand it is very long, or you are critical of me, please be kind. I'm blaming myself enough.

I met a man, a colleague who I really liked, about 8 years ago, admired from afar as he was married and never gave it much thought other than I thought he was a really nice decent man. A few years after we started working together, he told me that his second marriage was on the rocks and that he felt unlovable. I told him that I thought he was very lovable and made a joke that if I'd marry him if they were to split. Again, didn't pay it too much mind and thought nothing would ever happen, went about my life. Another few years passed without incident.

As Covid was coming to an end, and with his marriage over, we had been getting on very well at work and one night out of the blue, he rang me and we talked for 5 hours about everything and anything. I had been single for a long time after an abusive relationship with a man from outside the UK who just disappeared on me one night after living together for almost a year. At this point, I hadn't had a relationship in 11 years and wasn't looking but I was really really drawn to this guy at work. We had a lovely conversation but again, nothing much to report afterward.

A couple of months later, I plucked up the courage to ask him if he'd like to have another phonecall (facetime). We were essential workers and still in the cloud of the pandemic so thought this was the best approach. I wasn't prepared for his response. At this point he was 49 years old, he stood up, started to rub his chest, said 'oh God no no...oh no...this is making me really uncomfortable...' and left the room. I had rehearsed this in my head all day waiting for the right moment and this happened. I was completely mortified, hurt and eventually went home and beat myself up for not being cool enough or maybe even good enough for him. When I woke up the next morning he had called me three times and sent me messages to see if I was ok. I texted back how shocked I was and how I had obviously misread the signals, but told him he was someone I had grown to like very much and that it wasn't my intention to upset or scare him. When I got back to work a few days later, he'd stopped speaking to me.

This went on for a couple of weeks so I just kept my head down and got on with it. Another two weeks passed and all of a sudden, he was trying to make me laugh again, which he always could. I was relieved he seemed ok, but just left him to it. We started to get on better, and for his 50th I bought him a silly gift, no one else in his life seemed to make an effort, so I wanted to do something for him. On one of our dates he told me that his friends dog had used it as a chew toy. (It was a bottle opener made from wood).

We would be here all year if I told you the full story but although he and his wife didn't divorce, they separated, and he said he wanted nothing to do with women for a year. This to me was fine and healthy but he made a huge announcement to me about it. Feeling it safe, I said 'well if after that year is up, would you like to have a coffee with me?' and he said 'yes...I will have a think about that'.

No more than 2 weeks passed, when we were alone and he asked me out. I was elated! We set a date and he was calling me and texting me in the build up to it. All his nerves seemed to have gone. He sent me photos of himself, went through my socials and complimented me on my photos. He even sent me a few intimate pics. In work that day he kissed me for the first time.

We had arranged for him to come to my home, as I knew him so well this wasn't an issue and we were going to have a few drinks. I made a real effort, scrubbed the house until it was shining, and made myself look really nice, I thought. He arrived at the time we arranged. We sat down for our first drink and he immediately started to become nervous again. He admitted to being nervous and I just soothed him, telling him to relax, it was just me etc...but he said 'no no I have to leave'. He was only with me despite the massive build up for 5 minutes. I was completely and totally distraught and thought it must be something to do with my looks, or weight etc. I'm not stick thin and quite curvy but he had been paying me so many compliments I thought he was attracted.

I had the awful situation of having to face him again in work but I just tried to walk past him with a brief hello. It was agonising - he did attempt a short apology but in his words it was 'sorry about everything I just got all'...and made this funny noise that you would make as if you were shivering or something.

I had developed feelings by this point but just had to try to get on with it. I was hit with various other awful things like him accusing me of stalking one of his exes. He blew up at me in work as I had clicked on her profile when she came up as a friend suggestion. It was genuine. She is friends with my cousin and I have family in the area he is from. He defriended me from facebook as I had clicked 'like' on this ladies nails, and then once I realised who she was I unliked it. Thinking no harm done, but he found out. He was SO angry with me. It crushed me that he had deleted me and when I tried to explain the family connection, he put his hand up in front of me and said 'I don't want to hear it'. When I said 'Please let me explain!' he shouted 'F* off' at me infront of my colleagues.

There is a lot of other stuff that has happened but that Christmas he approached me again after he started talking to me again and we slept together. He told me he knew how much I had fallen for him and that he just needed time as he admitted he didn't know what he was doing with his life. I told him to take all the time he needed. A few days later, he stopped speaking to me again. He approached me for another date which I agreed to and at the time he was due to meet me, he cancelled, saying he wasn't quite ready.

Then he came round again - this time my idea I admit it as I couldn't let him go. We became more involved and he came to my home, asked to see my family albums, made me promises about holidays, the future, said I didn't have to be concerned about money anymore (I'm very independent so it isn't a money issue anyway but was nice to have support). We were close, talking on the phone, being intimate, he even said 'imagine how everyone in work will feel when they find out we've been together for like 8 months' or something..! He told me he wanted me to meet his family, and let me facetime with his sister. It was clear she knew who I was and paid me lots of compliments, telling me she only wanted him to be happy. I said I would never hurt him and would always try to make him happy. He told his sister that I would do anything for him and he told me he felt I was his soulmate. He told other people (who told me) that he had told them he knew I had fallen for him and that I was a lovely girl who would make a wonderful wife.

On the day we were due to meet his family, his whole demeanour changed. We woke up and even his facial expressions were different. He said 'I have to go now' and when I enquired about the family he said 'we'll do it another time'. He assured me he wasn't coming back but I didn't hear from him for 5 days. He sent a text to say he wanted to be alone, he didn't love me, he knew I loved him, that all it was was 'sex and a drink', and that he knew I'd react badly and he had to go because I was stressing him out.

I totally and completely fell apart but managed to sort of hold it together at work. Despite his text, a month later he approached me again, asking for another chance and when I asked him why he had told me he didn't want me, his explanation was that he had just freaked out because he knew I had such deep feelings. Of course I agreed. Nearly as soon as I agreed, he turned cold. Despite the fact we'd made a date, he became cold with me. When I asked him why, he said 'I'm not going back there, I can't do it'.

This was the only time that I visibly cracked at work. Someone saw me crying and told my colleague who told him. He became so so angry with me that he arranged a meeting with me and my boss in which he said in front of my boss 'I did not make love to you - I f*** you'. My boss said nothing. He told me he could 'get any girl in a bar and take her home' and told me that I had caused him a total nightmare.

I took some time off work and when I returned I didn't go near him. But apparently made one fatal mistake. I borrowed his coffee cup. One day when I forgot my own, I used his. Washed it thoroughly and put it back. He found out about this too because someone started to tease him about me using it and he apparently laughed. But with me it was a different story. He took the cup home and said 'I don't like anyone using my stuff'. Despite having been in my home etc.

For the next month he stopped talking to me and texted my colleagues to say things like 'Tell her I'm hiding in the toilets' or 'has she gone yet?'. I was so devastated because all I had done was borrowed a cup. I hadn't bothered him, begged him, stalked him, annoyed him, nothing at all. I had left him alone. I begged my boss to talk to him, to get him to stop and he said he would not speak to him, but would keep an eye on it. It continued for over a month with no help until I begged my boss. I was so humiliated and because of this, decided to move to a different department.

On the day that I moved, the guy was coming out of the department I work in. I don't know why he was there but he shouted 'Good luck in the new job!' at me and walked on. I have rarely seen him since but if I do bump into him he is very nice, talkative wants to show me pictures on his phone etc. I do not understand this behaviour. He was hiding from me, but now he's being nice?

Because of everything that has happened, I have become a shell of myself. I work alone now, with very little interaction with anyone, I've isolated myself and feel like everyone hates me or doesn't want me around. He has remained in his position, which I guess is down to me as I didn't make a fuss as I would never have wanted him to be hurt. So I've carried it all. I felt I had up to a point a good relationship with my former boss but he didn't speak out for me or help me with some of the language that was used, the hiding in the toilets and the silent treatment that the guy inflicted in work. I've heard rumours of being called names like Baby Reindeer which I never was. I never stalked him, called him repeatedly, went to his home, didn't do anything harmful to him at all. He said that 'you went about it all the wrong way'. I have never asked a guy out before so that was a huge knock.

His kids don't talk to him anymore and I had hoped he would be able to reconcile whatever happened with my help but it's never happened. He told me his ex wife has turned them against him.

I've come away thinking that I'm a freak, that there is something the matter with me because I fell for someone who I genuinely liked. It is killing me, I've had to have therapy but nothing is convincing me that I didn't cause this by loving him and by believing he was just scared and giving so many chances. There are days I just don't cope at all, then days I really do, and days I really miss him so so much. I believed he was a different man, I still do believe he's lost and afraid but I don't know why he had to do this to someone who had been so kind to him and loving for so long, even when we weren't together. My fear is now that I'm no good for anyone and never will be. I'm 49 now and can't get past it. No matter what I try to do it's like a black cloud hanging over me. I really doubt myself now, all my interactions with people and fear because I'm not picture perfect, or picture thin that this happened to me due to that. To me he is very handsome, so maybe that's it? I am so scared for my future now, and my health is declining. I didn't know it was such a crime to be in love but if someone does hide from me in the bathroom, it surely means I'm repulsive? Out of everything I had shared with him and everything he knew, the hiding is probably the worst. I have thought of ending my life because if I am that bad what is the point, but I am trying to believe that maybe this isn't my fault? I just don't know anymore and thank you from the bottom of my heart to anyone who takes the time to read this and for letting me talk.

I just feel myself hardening. I know I won’t ever have a romantic relationship now, it isn’t meant for me and he says I did everything wrong. Whatever he said matters not one bit. The only thing you did wrong was trust him, let him in. I’m not enough Yes you bloody are! You’re special. When you listen to yourself, to others, you know that and now my brother is accusing me of things I have not done. He's clearly got MH issues. His issues, not yours. Again, you’re giving credibility to someone who doesn’t deserve it, because you care. Separate caring from believing! I tried to help him because I love him and he said I rang the ambulance for malicious reasons and I’m bipolar. Again, it’s his problem, not yours. I feel like just disappearing and it will be me and the cats where no one will ever get close enough to me again.I’ve got to agree that distancing yourself from these toxic people and environments would be healthy for you. But you don’t need to avoid being close to people - you need to avoid being close to the wrong people, and to learn better how to recognise them for who they are, and stop believing them. Believe in you.

This is often the cause of most unhappiness. Your circle is extremely important. You have a really awful one as like the Previous person said you need to separate what you care about from what you believe. I care about my mum but she talks so much shit, none of which I believe. What do you want to believe? I want to believe I’m a good person so anyone who thinks otherwise can get lost.

So succinct and to the point! I envy your ability to say so much with so few words

It’s only born from experience. I’m on the other side and several years past an awful narc marriage. I too wanted to end my life but I’ve done a huge amount of work to make sure no one can make me feel this way again. It takes a lot to pull yourself out of a hole and it feels like it will always be this way. OP will gain so much real self esteem if she can start this journey.

Also OP this kindness and empathy you have for people really is testimony to who you are. One day you will see that you are special. It takes a special person to see the good in everyone. This is a reflection of the good in you. Good people are hard to come across. If you can unscramble this you can do anything! You are just going to have to take a leap of faith and trust us! This is literally how healthy self esteem is grown, with blind leaps of faith into the unknown. It’s the end of the road for the old version of yourself, she’s got so far but she can’t do no more. Morn her, thank her for doing her best, don’t make her feel bad.

Hi OP,

This is my take on the guy. I don't think this man is capable of loving a woman or having a real, loving relationship with one. I think he doesn't see women as human beings with real feelings. He is fundamentally selfish and quite cruel in the way he goes about it. I think the nasty things he said about you are to distract from the shitty way he behaves. "oh she's she's obsessed with me" is a way try and shift the narrative so no one listens to your side of the story, and the shitty way he's behaved.

There is something very wrong with him in terms of the way he thinks about and treats women. He is abusive and thinks he can just take what he wants and never takes accountability.

From what you've said I strongly suspect his marriages were not love marriages. From the talk about going to Asia, his wife leaving him now she has her visa, sex with the woman in Asia and women being "offered" to him then questions around money, I strongly suspect he has 'bought" his wives, and probably plenty of prostitues, and essentially exploited them. I'll bet that's why his kids don't talk to him. Even from the sexually derogatory language and behaviour you can tell he doesn't respect women at all. He is lacking in empathy and it sounds like a lot of people are aware of his shitty behaviour.

Just because some shitty people at work turn a blind eye to his behaviour doesn't mean it's normal. In most workplaces hed be fired and possibly even reported to police for sexual harassment.

This has nothing to do with your weight or worth, and everything to do with his disgusting attitude towards women, selfishness, and lack of empathy. He is like a pathetic man baby who takes what he wants with no consideration of other peoples feelings, and lies to cover his disgusting behaviour and make you feel like it was you that caused it. You didn't. He was a shithead before you met and will stay that way.

If I were you I would never again believe a single word he says and avoid him like a plague.

It doesn't matter what "he" said, he talks complete bullshit so why would that matter?

@YourBrickTiger hardening is ok and natural. Your brain is wired for survival and it will do what it needs to keep you safe. Hardening is a protective measure, I would go with this. It’s hard wired and something you will have little control over. If you listen to yourself and stop working against yourself you will see that your brain has detected a threat. It knows even if you don’t that something is wrong with these people. You will learn eventually that you have all the tools you need to keep you safe if you listen to how you feel.

You won't be homeless, you have a large amount of capital in a property which is a better position than many!

I understand your brother has put you in a horribly overwhelming position. Now that you know your brother wants his share, you need to get a step ahead, get some practical legal advice and manage your next steps. You can absolutely do this.

It's the house yes, but now on top of that the utter contempt my brother seems to feel for me because I tried to help him. He was sitting in the hospital beside me, having conversations with people who weren't there, twitching, and then as soon as a medical person came over he would switch it up, saying I was the one with the problem. He's also claiming I made a statement to the hospital accusing him of assault. I did not. He did push me out of the way with a wooden walking stick he was using but I did not accuse him of assault. I have looked out for my brother our entire lives, I'd never let anyone hurt him, I've put myself in really almost illegal situations to help him, and fought battles for him when he was drunk that he won't even remember. When I brought it up to him the other day that 'of course I care that is why I brought you back from England, I didn't want you to die' he just looked at me and said 'Oh, like 10 years ago?'

That trip cost my uncle over 1000 pounds, which was actually supposed to be inheritance money that went to my Mum, his younger sister. But it was all used to hire the van, ferry trip, expenses between Ireland and England. Mum never saw any of it. When he had his most dangerous binge, she got his room all cleaned and painted for him and on his arrival back from hospital, she proudly showed it to him and he looked at it and said 'it's not my colour scheme, but it's nice'. She was so hurt. That's the sort of attitude we've had for years now, but I think I was denying to myself that my brother could be 'like that'. Now that 'the guy' has treated me how he has, it's either a case of something wrong with me, or both these men I love are narcissists. I have absolutely no reason to hurt my brother but he seems to think I have a vendetta against him and some of the words and phrases he has used towards me are so strikingly similar to the ones the guy used. I have only ever tried to look out for him and I can't cope with now having both these men treating me like this when I only tried to be the best I can be for them.

You have been trained to have kindness but with absolutely no boundaries. So yeah these people have walked all over you. Narcs love a person with huge amounts of empathy and zero boundaries. You can still be kind but develop boundaries. Your anger is a good sign. Be angry because they have absolutely taken and are taking the piss out of you.

@YourBrickTiger

You have given a scenario where your brother was very hurtful to your mother (and I’m sure there were more you maybe don’t even know about).

It’s not just you these two ‘men’ were horrible to.

That’s because the brother is not a nice person full stop. The OP is personalising the shit behaviour of other people.

Sorry to sound like a broken record but that is kind of confirmation isn't it, that's this is the reason why my guy was so awful and I wasn't enough for him and now I'm experiencing the same with my brother?

Just a thought - OP did the man at work remind you of your brother in any way? There's a theory that we're drawn to what's familiar, even unconsciously (nobody would pick a man like my grumpy miserable Dad on purpose for example!)

You mentioned an abusive relationship years before you met the bloke at work. I wonder if this is worth thinking about?

As for your post above about "confirmation" it's proof that they're inadequate, they choose to abuse people who are kind and so forth because they're too scared to do it to anyone else. They'd be too afraid of a man to abuse them.

With romantic relationships, they'd probably do that anyway, but whereas a lot of women wouldn't put up with it and bin them off, you stuck around #BeingKind, which is actually making excuses for their terrible behaviour and thinking if only you were kinder, nicer, sweeter, then realisation would dawn and you'd be appreciated.

It doesn't work like that because these men are weird. Nothing to do with you not being good enough. Everything to do with them being not good enough.

You are going to have to take responsibility for your part in your life if you want one with better people in it. You have been raised with no boundaries to who you are. You feel you are responsible for the behaviour you receive from people. The real truth is we are responsible for allowing the behaviour of others. The behaviour of those men, your colleagues they are awful. You are not recognising it because you think you have more control of this than you do. You have no control over the actions of others. When they behave badly it’s because they want to. Your responsibility as an adult is to protect yourself, it’s not for people to treat you better. Many of us were never taught this as children. We were not parented very well.

healthier people come across a man like yours and think hmmm I don’t like this, I’m off, I’m worth more then this, I love myself however small or large I am. You are stuck on hmmm how can I change myself to fit this man so he will like me.

My friend once said to me that good people don't become arseholes because you give them permission to treat you like shit. Good people never anyone like shit. Your ex is a arsehole plain and simple. Why, when there so many nice guys around do you want him?

This is my hard earned ego…”ok so you giving me mixed signals, you making me feel bad….you can fuck off”! I don’t need you to like me, you like me that’s great we can be friends, you don’t…fuck off! All very similar and either way I’m still fucking amazing!

Perimenopause has helped! lol lots of people have been told to fuck off!

It's very hard not to personalise it. Every single time I think I've got something right, I'm proved wrong. I don't trust anyone any more and I won't ever let anyone close to me again. It is really hard but I'm going to have to just keep repeating 'from now on it's me and my pets'. And yes they are cats. And I don't give a shit if that makes me weird. I love them.

I don't think I ever thought of my brother when I fell for the guy. Didn't at all actually. It's only recently that I've started to make the comparison. And it's what hurts even more because my brother KNOWS what the guy did. My brother even recently made a comment about my weight because I told him I was worried about his smoking. He turned around and said 'you've more of a chance of dying early than I do, you're not exactly fit'.

Yes I hadn't had a relationship for 13 years before the guy. The previous one was from Albania and was very controlling and just took off one day with some of my money. He was always shouting at me.

There we go, currently it’s you and your cats and everyone else can fuck off! That’s perfectly brilliant.

People are not as important as we have made them out to be. When we are children we view ourselves in the eyes of those around us. It’s life and death when you are small to be accepted by our parents, we will die without them. Some of us were never seen. We don’t know who we are without someone telling us. It’s not life or death anymore, you will survive without this man telling you who you are.

It's my Dad's anniversary today. I lost him when I was only 23. So I have had a HUGE part of my life without his wonderful influence. He was a really decent, kind man, he was my best friend and I had a wonderful relationship with him. And then there's that woman I told you about. Inserted herself into our lives from I was 24 and it lasted until I was 43 when my Mum passed away. She too, is someone with no boundaries and I do often wonder is she part of the reason why I have difficulty now. NOTHING that this woman did was ever wrong and NOTHING I raised an issue over was ever listened to. I maybe said this before, but she would touch me (my face my legs), hug me when I did NOT want her to, approach me from behind to kiss me if I was sitting down, pinned me up against the fridge to beg me to 'let her in' when Mum died, took my kitten away from me (I had hand reared a little one that I wanted to keep but between her and Mum I wasn't allowed and she said 'I think you just have enough now'), chose a car for me when I had one picked out but had to go with the one she said, was in our house ALL the time including opening the door and walking in whenever she felt like it, showed up to places my Mum would go to with her other friends inviting herself along, would cry at the drop of a hat to put attention on herself, insisted on doing most of my family's funerals because she is a minister (she would kiss the coffin of my relatives meaning she touched them last), she would buy me presents I didn't want, she would yell at me in my family home and my Mum didn't say anything.... see what I mean? If I complained or said to my Mum that it was too much or that she'd offended me, I'd be faced with 'she knows you don't like her!' or some example of something wonderful she'd done in the church. I remember trying really hard to give my Mum a nice birthday and booked her into a spa. I decided to include this woman so my Mum wasn't on her own, and she sent me a card saying 'It was beyond my wildest dreams to be included...' Later on my Mum told me it was a very two faced thing for me to have done.

I feel that I had a connection with him that I have never felt. I'm not the type of person who finds dates fun. I have only ever gone out with men that I have a friendship or connection with first. And with him I felt it more than anyone else. I genuinely loved him and thought he was different. Thought we were meant to be, based on who I thought he was.