Really heartbroken

[YourBrickTiger]

Hi - I am just hoping for a little help here...haven't been through a situation like I'm currently experiencing and it's very painful to the point of making me sick.

If I can kindly ask that no one advises against workplace romances, as I work with several couples, some of whom are married and even one who is divorced. I know a lot of people in my place of work who met here and are now married and still working together. So I thought it was ok for me too.

I don't have a support system. My parents have both passed away and friends that I do have keep everything at a surface level, which has made me unable to discuss this, therefore I apologise in advance for the length. I can't face anymore harsh criticism, so if you don't have time to read this as I understand it is very long, or you are critical of me, please be kind. I'm blaming myself enough.

I met a man, a colleague who I really liked, about 8 years ago, admired from afar as he was married and never gave it much thought other than I thought he was a really nice decent man. A few years after we started working together, he told me that his second marriage was on the rocks and that he felt unlovable. I told him that I thought he was very lovable and made a joke that if I'd marry him if they were to split. Again, didn't pay it too much mind and thought nothing would ever happen, went about my life. Another few years passed without incident.

As Covid was coming to an end, and with his marriage over, we had been getting on very well at work and one night out of the blue, he rang me and we talked for 5 hours about everything and anything. I had been single for a long time after an abusive relationship with a man from outside the UK who just disappeared on me one night after living together for almost a year. At this point, I hadn't had a relationship in 11 years and wasn't looking but I was really really drawn to this guy at work. We had a lovely conversation but again, nothing much to report afterward.

A couple of months later, I plucked up the courage to ask him if he'd like to have another phonecall (facetime). We were essential workers and still in the cloud of the pandemic so thought this was the best approach. I wasn't prepared for his response. At this point he was 49 years old, he stood up, started to rub his chest, said 'oh God no no...oh no...this is making me really uncomfortable...' and left the room. I had rehearsed this in my head all day waiting for the right moment and this happened. I was completely mortified, hurt and eventually went home and beat myself up for not being cool enough or maybe even good enough for him. When I woke up the next morning he had called me three times and sent me messages to see if I was ok. I texted back how shocked I was and how I had obviously misread the signals, but told him he was someone I had grown to like very much and that it wasn't my intention to upset or scare him. When I got back to work a few days later, he'd stopped speaking to me.

This went on for a couple of weeks so I just kept my head down and got on with it. Another two weeks passed and all of a sudden, he was trying to make me laugh again, which he always could. I was relieved he seemed ok, but just left him to it. We started to get on better, and for his 50th I bought him a silly gift, no one else in his life seemed to make an effort, so I wanted to do something for him. On one of our dates he told me that his friends dog had used it as a chew toy. (It was a bottle opener made from wood).

We would be here all year if I told you the full story but although he and his wife didn't divorce, they separated, and he said he wanted nothing to do with women for a year. This to me was fine and healthy but he made a huge announcement to me about it. Feeling it safe, I said 'well if after that year is up, would you like to have a coffee with me?' and he said 'yes...I will have a think about that'.

No more than 2 weeks passed, when we were alone and he asked me out. I was elated! We set a date and he was calling me and texting me in the build up to it. All his nerves seemed to have gone. He sent me photos of himself, went through my socials and complimented me on my photos. He even sent me a few intimate pics. In work that day he kissed me for the first time.

We had arranged for him to come to my home, as I knew him so well this wasn't an issue and we were going to have a few drinks. I made a real effort, scrubbed the house until it was shining, and made myself look really nice, I thought. He arrived at the time we arranged. We sat down for our first drink and he immediately started to become nervous again. He admitted to being nervous and I just soothed him, telling him to relax, it was just me etc...but he said 'no no I have to leave'. He was only with me despite the massive build up for 5 minutes. I was completely and totally distraught and thought it must be something to do with my looks, or weight etc. I'm not stick thin and quite curvy but he had been paying me so many compliments I thought he was attracted.

I had the awful situation of having to face him again in work but I just tried to walk past him with a brief hello. It was agonising - he did attempt a short apology but in his words it was 'sorry about everything I just got all'...and made this funny noise that you would make as if you were shivering or something.

I had developed feelings by this point but just had to try to get on with it. I was hit with various other awful things like him accusing me of stalking one of his exes. He blew up at me in work as I had clicked on her profile when she came up as a friend suggestion. It was genuine. She is friends with my cousin and I have family in the area he is from. He defriended me from facebook as I had clicked 'like' on this ladies nails, and then once I realised who she was I unliked it. Thinking no harm done, but he found out. He was SO angry with me. It crushed me that he had deleted me and when I tried to explain the family connection, he put his hand up in front of me and said 'I don't want to hear it'. When I said 'Please let me explain!' he shouted 'F* off' at me infront of my colleagues.

There is a lot of other stuff that has happened but that Christmas he approached me again after he started talking to me again and we slept together. He told me he knew how much I had fallen for him and that he just needed time as he admitted he didn't know what he was doing with his life. I told him to take all the time he needed. A few days later, he stopped speaking to me again. He approached me for another date which I agreed to and at the time he was due to meet me, he cancelled, saying he wasn't quite ready.

Then he came round again - this time my idea I admit it as I couldn't let him go. We became more involved and he came to my home, asked to see my family albums, made me promises about holidays, the future, said I didn't have to be concerned about money anymore (I'm very independent so it isn't a money issue anyway but was nice to have support). We were close, talking on the phone, being intimate, he even said 'imagine how everyone in work will feel when they find out we've been together for like 8 months' or something..! He told me he wanted me to meet his family, and let me facetime with his sister. It was clear she knew who I was and paid me lots of compliments, telling me she only wanted him to be happy. I said I would never hurt him and would always try to make him happy. He told his sister that I would do anything for him and he told me he felt I was his soulmate. He told other people (who told me) that he had told them he knew I had fallen for him and that I was a lovely girl who would make a wonderful wife.

On the day we were due to meet his family, his whole demeanour changed. We woke up and even his facial expressions were different. He said 'I have to go now' and when I enquired about the family he said 'we'll do it another time'. He assured me he wasn't coming back but I didn't hear from him for 5 days. He sent a text to say he wanted to be alone, he didn't love me, he knew I loved him, that all it was was 'sex and a drink', and that he knew I'd react badly and he had to go because I was stressing him out.

I totally and completely fell apart but managed to sort of hold it together at work. Despite his text, a month later he approached me again, asking for another chance and when I asked him why he had told me he didn't want me, his explanation was that he had just freaked out because he knew I had such deep feelings. Of course I agreed. Nearly as soon as I agreed, he turned cold. Despite the fact we'd made a date, he became cold with me. When I asked him why, he said 'I'm not going back there, I can't do it'.

This was the only time that I visibly cracked at work. Someone saw me crying and told my colleague who told him. He became so so angry with me that he arranged a meeting with me and my boss in which he said in front of my boss 'I did not make love to you - I f*** you'. My boss said nothing. He told me he could 'get any girl in a bar and take her home' and told me that I had caused him a total nightmare.

I took some time off work and when I returned I didn't go near him. But apparently made one fatal mistake. I borrowed his coffee cup. One day when I forgot my own, I used his. Washed it thoroughly and put it back. He found out about this too because someone started to tease him about me using it and he apparently laughed. But with me it was a different story. He took the cup home and said 'I don't like anyone using my stuff'. Despite having been in my home etc.

For the next month he stopped talking to me and texted my colleagues to say things like 'Tell her I'm hiding in the toilets' or 'has she gone yet?'. I was so devastated because all I had done was borrowed a cup. I hadn't bothered him, begged him, stalked him, annoyed him, nothing at all. I had left him alone. I begged my boss to talk to him, to get him to stop and he said he would not speak to him, but would keep an eye on it. It continued for over a month with no help until I begged my boss. I was so humiliated and because of this, decided to move to a different department.

On the day that I moved, the guy was coming out of the department I work in. I don't know why he was there but he shouted 'Good luck in the new job!' at me and walked on. I have rarely seen him since but if I do bump into him he is very nice, talkative wants to show me pictures on his phone etc. I do not understand this behaviour. He was hiding from me, but now he's being nice?

Because of everything that has happened, I have become a shell of myself. I work alone now, with very little interaction with anyone, I've isolated myself and feel like everyone hates me or doesn't want me around. He has remained in his position, which I guess is down to me as I didn't make a fuss as I would never have wanted him to be hurt. So I've carried it all. I felt I had up to a point a good relationship with my former boss but he didn't speak out for me or help me with some of the language that was used, the hiding in the toilets and the silent treatment that the guy inflicted in work. I've heard rumours of being called names like Baby Reindeer which I never was. I never stalked him, called him repeatedly, went to his home, didn't do anything harmful to him at all. He said that 'you went about it all the wrong way'. I have never asked a guy out before so that was a huge knock.

His kids don't talk to him anymore and I had hoped he would be able to reconcile whatever happened with my help but it's never happened. He told me his ex wife has turned them against him.

I've come away thinking that I'm a freak, that there is something the matter with me because I fell for someone who I genuinely liked. It is killing me, I've had to have therapy but nothing is convincing me that I didn't cause this by loving him and by believing he was just scared and giving so many chances. There are days I just don't cope at all, then days I really do, and days I really miss him so so much. I believed he was a different man, I still do believe he's lost and afraid but I don't know why he had to do this to someone who had been so kind to him and loving for so long, even when we weren't together. My fear is now that I'm no good for anyone and never will be. I'm 49 now and can't get past it. No matter what I try to do it's like a black cloud hanging over me. I really doubt myself now, all my interactions with people and fear because I'm not picture perfect, or picture thin that this happened to me due to that. To me he is very handsome, so maybe that's it? I am so scared for my future now, and my health is declining. I didn't know it was such a crime to be in love but if someone does hide from me in the bathroom, it surely means I'm repulsive? Out of everything I had shared with him and everything he knew, the hiding is probably the worst. I have thought of ending my life because if I am that bad what is the point, but I am trying to believe that maybe this isn't my fault? I just don't know anymore and thank you from the bottom of my heart to anyone who takes the time to read this and for letting me talk.

@YourBrickTiger please share about your brother if you want to.

Just a reminder that the guy is vile and doesn't deserve your love.

Yes of course it is ok to tell us. If he is anything like my sister, no wonder you are struggling.

For what it is worth, you will eventually come to terms with him but you will never understand how and why he treated you so badly if you would never treat people the same way (and be glad of that). He has a dark side that he hid until you got closer (apart from his louder vulgar comments which is a gross failure of your workplace).

WARNING VERY LONG POST:

Thanks, as if it couldn't get any worse. So my brother is aware of 'the guy' and what he did and also believes him to be abusive. However, I'm not sure what I've been experiencing lately from him isn't just the same.

My brother is an alcoholic and to cut an extremely long story short, this all came to a head in 2016 when he was living in a different part of the country. We noticed his erratic behaviour and between my Mum and myself and my uncle we hatched a rescue plan. I was the only one able to drive, so I went to a totally different part of the country (England and I'm in Ireland) to collect him. We really feared he would die.

He wasn't in a good way and this went on for years, alcohol binges in my Mum's home, she was being tortured by the behaviour and he ended up hospitalised for 12 days in 2018. This time he was very close to death. The paramedics wouldn't move him as he kept refusing to go with them, but not being able to handle it anymore, I physically lifted him up and practically forced him to go with them. As long as he stayed in the ambulance, they were safe to take him. Much to my disgust as he was close to death - the paramedic later told him 'I wouldn't mess with your sister'. We wanted him out of the house and I wanted to give my Mum some peace, and of course for him to get the help he desperately needed.

He healed from that and then we very unexpectedly lost our Mum in late 2019. My Dad passed many years earlier. At first I continued to live in my rented house but then in 2021 my brother said he wasn't able to maintain our family home and said a swap would work well - we both know the landlord and I had the bigger office area which he could make good use of. He had set up his own business and wanted to make a go of things. I wasn't too happy to be moving but I did it to protect our family home. He was making a bit of a mess and isn't that great at tidying etc.

Things seemed to be going really well for him, ups and downs as any entrepenur I guess but he was doing well.

But his moods can be very very erratic. If he is stressed, he becomes extremely nasty and irritable. It can be really horrible some of the things he comes out with and says to me. For example, he will go deadly silent even if I have treated him to a meal out, or he will sit in my car on a journey to somewhere without saying one word. It can be very tense. He can also be very patronising to me - I do as I'm sure you have gathered, struggle to understand some things and communicate properly. I can become very tearful and I get extremely anxious. An example of this would be when my Mum was close to death, my brother would stay calm and go and get coffee, whereas I'd be scratching at the walls, becoming highly irritated and practically be breaking every rule to get in to see her.

If my brother feels I'm not listening, he will repeatedly say 'do you understand? do you understand?' and I feel like he's really angry. After Mum passed, we were in the sitting room at home and one of my friends was coming down the driveway. She saw him YELLING at me because I was struggling to understand that my Mum had gone and was asking really daft questions like 'I wonder are we the only people this has happened to today?' but that's how I was feeling.

So fast forward to June this year. I've now been living back home for 4 years and really trying to make a go of it. He left our home in a MESS. When I got there, there were dirty carpets, dead mice...just a mess. I've done my best with what I have to make it a nice home. And he had said things to me like 'I assume you will be living there for life with no plans to sell?' and because his business was doing well, he always said he could afford to rent something else, when his lease on the rented place is up. So I thought I was safe.

I have to stress that I am very aware that half of our home is his and I would never take that away from him. I have made a will incase I die to make sure he gets it all. I have paid the rates, bills, maintenance etc on the home. I've tried SO hard. There are things I'm not financial able to do yet via maintenance but I wanted to get there.

So in June, I get a phonecall from him on a random Sunday when I was at home. He asked me had I had a visit from 2 men. I didn't know what he meant, but no one had called. He said that 2 men had visited his house, threatened him and left. He was worried they were coming to me. He would give me NO MORE information about it and of course me being me - PANIC. I live alone but my concern is always for my pets. He wouldn't tell me anything else but said he had rang the police. About 30 mins later he rang me back to say he had checked his own CCTV footage and that there had never been anyone there. He said he must have dreamed it but by that stage I was really scared. I decided to ring an ambulance because I was afraid the drinking had started again or that he was having some sort of breakdown.

The paramedics came out, and I went to his house to meet them. As soon as he came outside, and saw them, he immediately switched his demeanour. He looked them straight in the eye and said 'You will find that I am perfectly fine and it is infact my sister who has the mental health issue'. I was horrified but he wouldn't allow me to defend myself.

He agreed to go with them, incase there was some sort of infection that had made him think there was someone in his home. The same thing happened to our Mum when she took pneumonia.

I followed to the hospital where he had a blood test. All seemed ok, but he would not let me talk to explain what had happened to the nurses. I was just told to be quiet. You know what hospital waiting times are like and hours and hours passed while we waited to see the doctor. My brother became so erratic that we had to be seated in a private area. I sat watching while he talked to himself, talked to my Dad who he thought was sitting in front of him, offered me tickets to a gig that didn't exist and kept getting up walking off and disappearing. Because I followed him, afraid he would miss the doctor, he pushed me out of the way with the edge of his walking stick. He shouted at me in front of a nurse to take him home, but even the nurses must have noticed something as they said if he left they would ring the police.

Every time inside the hospital that I tried to talk to him he yelled at me. He said 'if you don't get away from me I'm going to slash your tyres and get a restraining order!' He then insulted the head nurse by saying 'You realise you are keeping me here against my will - unlike you I have a REAL job I'm supposed to be doing?' I was horrified.

This went on for about 7 hours. Every time I tried to sit beside him, he lashed out. He then said 'oh well guess what else sis? Next month I'm selling the house!! This is to make up for you losing me business today! I'm suing you and you and your pets will be out on the streets!'

We saw a doctor eventually and both gave our sides of what we had experienced. I told the doctor I was just trying to help my brother as he seemed to not be behaving normally. I don't know what he told them.

I couldn't take anymore of being yelled at so around midnight I said I was leaving. He took his phone out and started videoing the ward, and said 'Look everyone here is my bipolar sister, look at the smile on her face!' I wasn't smiling, I was just trying to be calm and explain why I was leaving. I told the sister he'd been taking videos of me, and she marched over to him and told him to delete them. She got an apology for his earlier behaviour.

The next day he rang me as I had put on FB that I'd appreciate some prayers as my brother was in hospital. He told me to take it down and that he wasn't going to be part of 'The (my first name) Show'. Reiterated again that I'm the one with the issues.

We didn't speak again until yesterday. That's the longest in our lives we have went without speaking. I'm 49 and he's 47.

I saw him walking with some heavy shopping and was relieved he was alive. But then I thought the decent thing to do would be to offer a lift. He said yes and I thought ok this is maybe all going to be ok. But it wasn't at all. As soon as I stopped the car he said 'Well this is awkward'. I just said 'How? I'm your sister'.

He went on to say he would never forgive me for 'entrapping' him at the hospital and losing him a days work. If I tried to explain it was because I was so concerned about his health, he wouldn't listen. He said I am the last person he would trust with a medical emergency. He accused me of making a false statement to the hospital and accused me of doing this to him before. In 2016 I rang the police because his behaviour was scaring me and my Mum and he had pushed me and I fell in the dining room. Apparently that was me trying to get him arrested. Which to be honest would have been better than the nightmare he was causing for us, but I certainly didn't do it out of spite.

When i tried to explain that everything I had tried to do for him for the past 10 years was out of love, he wasn't having it. I told him I loved and missed him, wasn't having it. He seemed committed to thinking I'm trying to sabotage his life, even though it was me who brought him home from England, me who made sure he found a pet after his beloved dog died, me who bought him a tv without having to be asked just to help keep him entertained when he was sick. I have done my best for 47 years to be a good sister and to look out for him.

He then went on to say we need to chat about the house. When I said ok, he pulled his phone out and began to record the conversation. I told him there was no need for that and he said 'I don't trust you anymore'. I was crying my eyes out.

I am NOT in any way trying to deny my brother what he is owed. But when I moved in he said he trusted me and knew I'd never run off with anything. Now as things aren't going well for him he has decided with no warning that I have to buy him out.

I have absolutely no clue how do to this. He wants an appointment made with a solicitor by the end of the week. I don't know at this point in my life how I would afford to buy him out and he had always told me he would have enough money to get his own place and we had agreed that neither of us would see the other stuck. I admit hand on heart that I didn't fully understand the implications of what I was getting into - I just trusted my sibling. And I was never going to deny him what he is owed - I just didn't think it would happen with no warning. He brought up how he had paid for everything when Mum passed - but they were things that I had been told at the time were covered by her insurance. He's now claiming he paid thousands when he told me that her funeral etc was all covered by the insurance. He also reminded me that I owed him £700, £500 of which I've paid as he agreed to let me pay him once a month.

If we have to sell the house, I have no idea what I could afford and am now scared that I'm going to end up homeless. He is claiming the landlord has given him an end date so this needs to happen quickly. I have absolutely no clue where to start with this. Has anyone had to buy someone else out before? I feel so ill, like my world has been turned upside down again with no warning and I'm also thinking so 'the guy' was awful to me, now my own brother is treating me like crap, so it must be me??

Again I have no intentions of denying him what he's owed, but he had told me he was staying in the rental for at least another 3 years, now this. My head is spinning and I'm really scared. He has also said 'You have bipolar, and sadly it's incurable'. I've never been diagnosed or even been suspected of having bi-polar. He said things and his tone reminded me of 'the guy' as it was like 'I mean you're a good person but...'.

He also said he wasn't going to be part of my 'show' or 'performance' any more.

I'd really appreciate any thoughts and I can't apologise enough for the length of this and yet another problem.

Thank you guys.

@YourBrickTiger Take a deep breath. At the moment you have nothing other than your brother's word for any of this. Because he tells you these things doesn't mean ANY of it is true. He says you're bipolar and you know that's not true! Get some independent confirmation or, better yet, wait for him to contact you with something official. You don't need to do anything on his say so. I have to say most of what he's said sounds bullshit. All this because he 'missed' a day of work? Nonsense. He wants money from you.

Where there is one narc there will be more. In an unhealed state we attract the buggers like flies. You are surrounded by toxic individuals. It’s a path many of us have had to walk down, the culling of the toxic relationships we have surrounded ourselves by.

Deep breath - don’t panic. Clearly your brother has some major issues but you can’t let these dictate how you’re going to get through this.
First thing - whose name is the house in?
Do you know what it’s worth?
If -as seems likely - he’s desperate for money and just wants to cash in - and he’s entitled, then there’s only 2 options:
First is that you take out a mortgage for half the value, it goes to him and the solicitors transfer the house to solely your name.
If this is impossible, then you may be forced to sell, you’ll get half each. He’ll then piss his half away and you’ll have to buy somewhere cheaper using your half as deposit.
First option is better - for both of you. You stay where you are, he gets the money quicker.
If you sell and buy somewhere else, you’ll both pay for estate agents fees, there’s the costs of you moving, and typically from when a sale is agreed (however long this takes) - it will take 4 months or so to complete.
There is no point in going to a solicitor now - there’s nothing to be done. If he tries to force it - just say no.
Happy to try to hold your hand through this - but it’s a matter of being logical, don’t take his MH issues personally or let them stress you out more.

PS I’ll say it again - it isn’t bloody you!

@YourBrickTiger he just plays to the audience. He isn’t being kind to them. It looks like he is ‘Mr Nice’ but it is all a front. He loves having an audience. He can’t help himself - he wanted your attention. His ego needs it.

It is not you.

My guy or my brother??

struggling to believe how it’s not me when the people I love the most keep doing this.

@Bittenonce thank you for the great advice. I’m so scared. He was really cold to me. Made me feel he didn’t care. When I moved in he had promised me I was safe there and that it would be many years before we had to sort this situation. Now he’s pulled the rug. He criticises me for everything. I have a table outside that the council won’t lift. That’s me being lazy apparently. Meanwhile he has no downstairs electric, drops fag butts everywhere and doesn’t seem to grasp if the home working situation isn’t working out it might be time to leave the house and get a different job even temporarily. I’m so scared and am struggling to find a reason to keep going. Just trying to hang around for my pets. It’s absolute hell. Two men that I love so much just think I’m dirt.

A awful situation but try to put emotions aside while you deal with the practicalities (which will make you feel more in control).

1. Ask two estate agents in to value the house. Tell one you need a quick sale - tell the other, you are thinking about moving but in no rush and need the best price. This will give you a rough guide.

2. When you have the figure, make an appointment with two reputable lenders, taking payslips - maybe your current bank (and one other) to see if you can afford to buy your brother out

(to any posters who suggest an online cheaper mortgage, Tiger does not need any further stress - she can remortgage at a later stage).

3. If you cannot afford to buy your brother out of your parents’ house - would a cheaper property be possible? If not, you will be looking to rent. If the thought horrifies you, you will get lots of support from people who happily rent I’m sure - but cross that bridge when you come to it.

An obvious advantage of renting is that you will have some capital to spend on enjoying life and treating yourself - which might boost your mood. I’m not saying shop til you drop - but a bit of a splurge might do you the world of good - especially as your Will states everything is going to your brother. I would spend the lot before that happens!

Thank you. So say my house is valued at 175,000. I don't know but just a guess. Where does the 80,000 come from to buy out my brother and who is responsible for paying that back?

So you borrow the £80k - mortgaging the house - and you pay it back. Cost around £550 / month over the 17 years until your retirement age.

Forgive my naivety but am not getting the rough end of the deal doing that? He walks away with all the money and I have a mortgage? I would never normally speak like that about him but he's really really hurt me with the things he said the other day.

You aren’t getting the rough end of the deal unless you have spent £thousands on renovations - in which case you could use the receipts to haggle with him for a 60/40 split rather than 50/50.

If you haven’t put in new bathrooms/kitchens etc, and the house is worth £180,000 (easier maths!) you could sell the house and each walk away with £90,000 less legal/estate agency costs which would be split between you.

So, to be clear, sell up and both walk away with approx £80k

or you buy your brother out and take on a mortgage to cover the £80k over the longest period of time to make it more affordable.

If your brother wants to buy a house equal to your parents, he would have to find another £80k.

You would be benefitting in that you would get to keep the house - the only reason you would need to take out a mortgage would be to afford to cover buying out his "share" (which he is entitled to). Unless you had the cash to buy him out in full of course.

Maybe speak to Citizens Advice if you're feeling confused/overwhelmed? I believe they have a web chat too. I've spoken to them recently about some financial/debt issues and they were really great and helped me tons.

Thanks so much everyone. It is looking increasingly likely after a quick call to an advisor that I will have to sell which is heartbreaking. It was my parents home since 1978, we grew up there. My brother PROMISED me I'd never have to leave. He told me I would have a few years to get sorted, before he required his share. Now all because he is feeling aggrieved that I rang an ambulance for him, he's throwing his toys out of the pram and he doesn't care how it's affecting me. I have 4 pets to consider as well. This was NOT in the plan when he made me move in 3 years ago. I feel like punching him in the face. I know he is entitled to his half, but he full well knows I am no position financially at the minute to take on a huge mortgage AND when I moved in he told me that I would only have to worry about the rates for the forseeable.

I know he is of course entitled but this was not the plan, not so soon. He doesn't care if I end up homeless. You know at this point what I feel like doing? Emigrating, taking my cats with me and telling him and the 'GUY' to f* off and never ever come near me again!!!!!!!!!!!! Except I wish the guy was here and was lovely so I could have someone to lean on :( I could collapse I'm so stressed.

It’s always difficult to move out of a family home but you’ve done it before. Maybe it would be best to sell the house and buy a smaller flat or house. It depends where you live and how much it would cost in your area but wouldn’t it be good if you could live somewhere without a mortgage and where you didn’t have to pay rent. That might be less stressful and might allow to work less days or retire earlier. Maintaining a smaller property is cheaper and easier than a larger property too.

I still think you need to get proper professional help.

I would highly recommend you get independent financial advice regarding this.

@YourBrickTiger you would borrow half the property value (after deducting fees involved in taking brother off deeds) to pay your brother his share. You would pay that back to the bank (ie mortgage). Brother has his cash, you own half the house outright and are effectively paying off the rest. He wouldn’t be getting away with anything other than having moved the goalposts on you before you were ready. Have you been paying any rent to him?

Thank you.

im so sick. 🤢 He also said all I needed to worry about for the foreseeable was Al the rates and ground rent. He left a massive unpaid rates bill when he left here. He als said I’m bipolar which no one else has ever said to me. So now with the two men I love the most seemingly thinking I’m dirt, I do kind of wish I was dead, then he’d get his money and everyone would be presumably happy. I have very very little fight left in me.

Except I wish the guy was here and was lovely so I could have someone to lean on :( I could collapse I'm so stressed. @YourBrickTiger he'd be as much use as a plastic kettle. Lean on people here, I know we're virtual but we care about you, that waster only cares about himself.

Thank you so much. I’m honestly envisaging what it will be like living on the streets!!!

The one thing life teaches you is to let go. Keeping hold of things for emotional ties only hurts yourself. If you can master letting go then you can master life. A smaller place with no ties to anyone, on your own terms is the best thing you can achieve for yourself. When you are entirely free of dependency anything that enters your life is because you chose it not because you need it!

@YourBrickTiger do you know if you own the house as tenants in common or joint tenants?

Not sure but we are siblings so think it’s joined.

I just feel myself hardening. I know I won’t ever have a romantic relationship now, it isn’t meant for me and he says I did everything wrong. I’m not enough and now my brother is accusing me of things I have not done. I tried to help him because I love him and he said I rang the ambulance for malicious reasons and I’m bipolar. I feel like just disappearing and it will be me and the cats where no one will ever get close enough to me again.