Really heartbroken

[YourBrickTiger]

Hi - I am just hoping for a little help here...haven't been through a situation like I'm currently experiencing and it's very painful to the point of making me sick.

If I can kindly ask that no one advises against workplace romances, as I work with several couples, some of whom are married and even one who is divorced. I know a lot of people in my place of work who met here and are now married and still working together. So I thought it was ok for me too.

I don't have a support system. My parents have both passed away and friends that I do have keep everything at a surface level, which has made me unable to discuss this, therefore I apologise in advance for the length. I can't face anymore harsh criticism, so if you don't have time to read this as I understand it is very long, or you are critical of me, please be kind. I'm blaming myself enough.

I met a man, a colleague who I really liked, about 8 years ago, admired from afar as he was married and never gave it much thought other than I thought he was a really nice decent man. A few years after we started working together, he told me that his second marriage was on the rocks and that he felt unlovable. I told him that I thought he was very lovable and made a joke that if I'd marry him if they were to split. Again, didn't pay it too much mind and thought nothing would ever happen, went about my life. Another few years passed without incident.

As Covid was coming to an end, and with his marriage over, we had been getting on very well at work and one night out of the blue, he rang me and we talked for 5 hours about everything and anything. I had been single for a long time after an abusive relationship with a man from outside the UK who just disappeared on me one night after living together for almost a year. At this point, I hadn't had a relationship in 11 years and wasn't looking but I was really really drawn to this guy at work. We had a lovely conversation but again, nothing much to report afterward.

A couple of months later, I plucked up the courage to ask him if he'd like to have another phonecall (facetime). We were essential workers and still in the cloud of the pandemic so thought this was the best approach. I wasn't prepared for his response. At this point he was 49 years old, he stood up, started to rub his chest, said 'oh God no no...oh no...this is making me really uncomfortable...' and left the room. I had rehearsed this in my head all day waiting for the right moment and this happened. I was completely mortified, hurt and eventually went home and beat myself up for not being cool enough or maybe even good enough for him. When I woke up the next morning he had called me three times and sent me messages to see if I was ok. I texted back how shocked I was and how I had obviously misread the signals, but told him he was someone I had grown to like very much and that it wasn't my intention to upset or scare him. When I got back to work a few days later, he'd stopped speaking to me.

This went on for a couple of weeks so I just kept my head down and got on with it. Another two weeks passed and all of a sudden, he was trying to make me laugh again, which he always could. I was relieved he seemed ok, but just left him to it. We started to get on better, and for his 50th I bought him a silly gift, no one else in his life seemed to make an effort, so I wanted to do something for him. On one of our dates he told me that his friends dog had used it as a chew toy. (It was a bottle opener made from wood).

We would be here all year if I told you the full story but although he and his wife didn't divorce, they separated, and he said he wanted nothing to do with women for a year. This to me was fine and healthy but he made a huge announcement to me about it. Feeling it safe, I said 'well if after that year is up, would you like to have a coffee with me?' and he said 'yes...I will have a think about that'.

No more than 2 weeks passed, when we were alone and he asked me out. I was elated! We set a date and he was calling me and texting me in the build up to it. All his nerves seemed to have gone. He sent me photos of himself, went through my socials and complimented me on my photos. He even sent me a few intimate pics. In work that day he kissed me for the first time.

We had arranged for him to come to my home, as I knew him so well this wasn't an issue and we were going to have a few drinks. I made a real effort, scrubbed the house until it was shining, and made myself look really nice, I thought. He arrived at the time we arranged. We sat down for our first drink and he immediately started to become nervous again. He admitted to being nervous and I just soothed him, telling him to relax, it was just me etc...but he said 'no no I have to leave'. He was only with me despite the massive build up for 5 minutes. I was completely and totally distraught and thought it must be something to do with my looks, or weight etc. I'm not stick thin and quite curvy but he had been paying me so many compliments I thought he was attracted.

I had the awful situation of having to face him again in work but I just tried to walk past him with a brief hello. It was agonising - he did attempt a short apology but in his words it was 'sorry about everything I just got all'...and made this funny noise that you would make as if you were shivering or something.

I had developed feelings by this point but just had to try to get on with it. I was hit with various other awful things like him accusing me of stalking one of his exes. He blew up at me in work as I had clicked on her profile when she came up as a friend suggestion. It was genuine. She is friends with my cousin and I have family in the area he is from. He defriended me from facebook as I had clicked 'like' on this ladies nails, and then once I realised who she was I unliked it. Thinking no harm done, but he found out. He was SO angry with me. It crushed me that he had deleted me and when I tried to explain the family connection, he put his hand up in front of me and said 'I don't want to hear it'. When I said 'Please let me explain!' he shouted 'F* off' at me infront of my colleagues.

There is a lot of other stuff that has happened but that Christmas he approached me again after he started talking to me again and we slept together. He told me he knew how much I had fallen for him and that he just needed time as he admitted he didn't know what he was doing with his life. I told him to take all the time he needed. A few days later, he stopped speaking to me again. He approached me for another date which I agreed to and at the time he was due to meet me, he cancelled, saying he wasn't quite ready.

Then he came round again - this time my idea I admit it as I couldn't let him go. We became more involved and he came to my home, asked to see my family albums, made me promises about holidays, the future, said I didn't have to be concerned about money anymore (I'm very independent so it isn't a money issue anyway but was nice to have support). We were close, talking on the phone, being intimate, he even said 'imagine how everyone in work will feel when they find out we've been together for like 8 months' or something..! He told me he wanted me to meet his family, and let me facetime with his sister. It was clear she knew who I was and paid me lots of compliments, telling me she only wanted him to be happy. I said I would never hurt him and would always try to make him happy. He told his sister that I would do anything for him and he told me he felt I was his soulmate. He told other people (who told me) that he had told them he knew I had fallen for him and that I was a lovely girl who would make a wonderful wife.

On the day we were due to meet his family, his whole demeanour changed. We woke up and even his facial expressions were different. He said 'I have to go now' and when I enquired about the family he said 'we'll do it another time'. He assured me he wasn't coming back but I didn't hear from him for 5 days. He sent a text to say he wanted to be alone, he didn't love me, he knew I loved him, that all it was was 'sex and a drink', and that he knew I'd react badly and he had to go because I was stressing him out.

I totally and completely fell apart but managed to sort of hold it together at work. Despite his text, a month later he approached me again, asking for another chance and when I asked him why he had told me he didn't want me, his explanation was that he had just freaked out because he knew I had such deep feelings. Of course I agreed. Nearly as soon as I agreed, he turned cold. Despite the fact we'd made a date, he became cold with me. When I asked him why, he said 'I'm not going back there, I can't do it'.

This was the only time that I visibly cracked at work. Someone saw me crying and told my colleague who told him. He became so so angry with me that he arranged a meeting with me and my boss in which he said in front of my boss 'I did not make love to you - I f*** you'. My boss said nothing. He told me he could 'get any girl in a bar and take her home' and told me that I had caused him a total nightmare.

I took some time off work and when I returned I didn't go near him. But apparently made one fatal mistake. I borrowed his coffee cup. One day when I forgot my own, I used his. Washed it thoroughly and put it back. He found out about this too because someone started to tease him about me using it and he apparently laughed. But with me it was a different story. He took the cup home and said 'I don't like anyone using my stuff'. Despite having been in my home etc.

For the next month he stopped talking to me and texted my colleagues to say things like 'Tell her I'm hiding in the toilets' or 'has she gone yet?'. I was so devastated because all I had done was borrowed a cup. I hadn't bothered him, begged him, stalked him, annoyed him, nothing at all. I had left him alone. I begged my boss to talk to him, to get him to stop and he said he would not speak to him, but would keep an eye on it. It continued for over a month with no help until I begged my boss. I was so humiliated and because of this, decided to move to a different department.

On the day that I moved, the guy was coming out of the department I work in. I don't know why he was there but he shouted 'Good luck in the new job!' at me and walked on. I have rarely seen him since but if I do bump into him he is very nice, talkative wants to show me pictures on his phone etc. I do not understand this behaviour. He was hiding from me, but now he's being nice?

Because of everything that has happened, I have become a shell of myself. I work alone now, with very little interaction with anyone, I've isolated myself and feel like everyone hates me or doesn't want me around. He has remained in his position, which I guess is down to me as I didn't make a fuss as I would never have wanted him to be hurt. So I've carried it all. I felt I had up to a point a good relationship with my former boss but he didn't speak out for me or help me with some of the language that was used, the hiding in the toilets and the silent treatment that the guy inflicted in work. I've heard rumours of being called names like Baby Reindeer which I never was. I never stalked him, called him repeatedly, went to his home, didn't do anything harmful to him at all. He said that 'you went about it all the wrong way'. I have never asked a guy out before so that was a huge knock.

His kids don't talk to him anymore and I had hoped he would be able to reconcile whatever happened with my help but it's never happened. He told me his ex wife has turned them against him.

I've come away thinking that I'm a freak, that there is something the matter with me because I fell for someone who I genuinely liked. It is killing me, I've had to have therapy but nothing is convincing me that I didn't cause this by loving him and by believing he was just scared and giving so many chances. There are days I just don't cope at all, then days I really do, and days I really miss him so so much. I believed he was a different man, I still do believe he's lost and afraid but I don't know why he had to do this to someone who had been so kind to him and loving for so long, even when we weren't together. My fear is now that I'm no good for anyone and never will be. I'm 49 now and can't get past it. No matter what I try to do it's like a black cloud hanging over me. I really doubt myself now, all my interactions with people and fear because I'm not picture perfect, or picture thin that this happened to me due to that. To me he is very handsome, so maybe that's it? I am so scared for my future now, and my health is declining. I didn't know it was such a crime to be in love but if someone does hide from me in the bathroom, it surely means I'm repulsive? Out of everything I had shared with him and everything he knew, the hiding is probably the worst. I have thought of ending my life because if I am that bad what is the point, but I am trying to believe that maybe this isn't my fault? I just don't know anymore and thank you from the bottom of my heart to anyone who takes the time to read this and for letting me talk.

oh, my heart hurts reading this. There’s no need to repeat what others have said because there’s some good advice here. But just to add to that, I very much recommend joining some interest groups where you can meet people who share similar interests to you. It will take a while but you can make friends this way and hopefully start to refocus away from the workplace.

I was the same, and I don't think I have ADD. When you have been abused it is perfectly normal to keep questioning things. I bought a few books and trawled the internet to educate myself, rather than wear down a couple of friends and family member and of course, you guys on here.
You will keep asking the same things, wondering about it all, self blame, questioning your perception of events, was he that bad? What did I do to make him this way? Why doesn't he love me enough?
Your brain needs to be re-trained!
The only way to do that is to cut all ties, make no contact with him, block him everywhere and detox him from your life.

Its not easy - it really isn't - and there will be days when you miss him, when you keep questioning everything, but stick with the 'cold turkey' and read another article about abuse instead, or put a mud pack on or go and buy a cream cake and sit and eat it under a huge tree.

Slowly, you will notice that you are feeling and thinking better as the poison is driven out of your system and replaced by you loving you, caring about you, protecting you.

You can do it.

Thanks ever so much and sorry for the late reply. I didn't receive any notifications for some reason. I've been doing my best to keep busy.

The poster who has said I'm in no position at the minute to leave my job is correct. I'm not strong enough.

I am just continuing to find it really difficult to understand why, if you love and care for a person who they can be so brutally awful. I just tried to fill gaps in his life that he said were missing but NOTHING was ever good enough, so I assumed that meant I wasn't good enough. It's also hard to accept that this man I love so much, is abusive because to most others he paints himself as the opposite and it genuinely isn't who I thought he was. It's very very hard to think of myself in a positive light because his words and actions have me thinking that no matter what I do, it won't work because according to him 'you went about everything the wrong way, you freak me out, you're too clingy, you do things you aren't even aware of..' constant criticism so it's hard to see a point in anything, and on my very bad days it's very hard to even want to stay alive. It's hard to imagine even trying to make new friends or a relationship incase it all turns out the same way.

There is a CONSTANT sadness there no matter what. I also can't understand how he can just turn cold and pretend like I don't exist. I've said MANY times now - he blocked me, I didn't get the chance to do that. He's made me feel like a criminal.

I do understand friends do have some of their own things going on, but what I don't accept is the one who when I asked if I could talk, said 'what about? I'm trying to stay positive at the minute'. She had no idea about the extent of what I needed to talk about - my friendships are very fairweather. They'd only notice if they got word I wasn't here anymore.

I don't know if this man is worth me leaving life for - I think there are some things a person doesn't recover from and if I am that much of a burden, wouldn't it be best? Because work have normalised his behaviour, how do I know who is right? The isolation makes it worse.

I take on board none of you are mental health practitioners so I have taken the advice and scheduled a call with the EAP. I don't exactly know what to expect.

In a weird way I do appreciate being told it is 'horrendous' because that's how it has felt. He must be mighty special, if he can just toss aside so many people who care for him (me and his kids).

Sorry for ranting again.

I haven't read the full thread but his behaviour is disgusting. I'm so glad you got out of that dept. The bigger question is really...what's going on with your self esteem? Plenty of us run across creeps like this, honestly I've had my fair share. The only difference between you and someone that manages to avoid the worst of it is, they say 'fuck off'. Early on. Bevause they know they can do better. And you can. The man is a cretin. So yeah, the question is how you realise you're better than that.

Just saw your latest post. I really really hope you get some real life support. People that look great to everyone else and privately are absolute dickbags are not uncommon. Honestly. Private vs public facade. It's a well known trait of abusive types. 'He seemed so nice' says the next door neighbour of every domestic abuser/serial killer/ arsehole. You just can't see it yet

You don't love him, really, you love the idealised image of what you wanted him to be, and need to grieve the loss of the possibilities you thought would be there. Not him. He's just horrible, the real him.

I am so glad to hear that you have some outside help scheduled. Take anything offered as it does all help, even if you attend these things thinking that it wont.
One of my 'early days' support workers suggested I give my negative thoughts a name - make them a person that is speaking to me and trying to override any positive thoughts (there weren't that many early on!) - so everytime something negative, thoughts of him popped into my head I'd say "Thank you Bob - you can go now". It did work. It helps to re-train your brain and focus your mind on something else.

Also, congratulate yourself for any little thing that you manage each day. Say it out loud too - "well done Tiger, you've brushed your hair" or "Well done tiger, you washed up the dishes".

I also think it's quite normal to have thoughts about 'not being here' - I didn't want to do anything to myself, I just didn't want to be 'here' - in this situation, in my life, living this horrible, painful, confusing, mind f*ckery of a life' - IT WILL GET BETTER!

With all you have said in your update I think it’s time to get some outside help, also.
I would start with my GP.
Your mental health is really important and while it’s great you have approached EAP you need some support from outside your workplace, too.
Nothing and nobody is worth losing your sanity for, never mind the one precious life you’ve been gifted.
And this man isn’t most people, and your workplace isn’t the norm either.
There are people out there who are potential good friends, as well as colleagues. This terrible man and awful workplace are both shocking.
And all I can say, as many posters on here who have felt similar about their life being in ruins would say - I am glad I stayed. Glad for the new friends I made, and the new work I found, and the partner I eventually met.
At some point, when you choose you, you trust that you are a good person, and give yourself time, it gets easier.

Hope you are doing ok @YourBrickTiger.

Thanks so much, had a nice weekend. I took part in my choir and have met a really nice friend there. Just a lot of feelings of paranoia and sadness. I had someone say to me 'you are so lovely' and I thanked them for being kind and they said 'who wouldn't be kind to you?' and I thought well maybe I am a nice person, so why did he do this? I think I would make a good partner, so why wasn't it enough? Then I see photos of myself and although I look nice when I'm smiling, I see this size 18 figure and think - omg who the hell would want that?

Someone treating you badly is on them not you . As previously poster said. You need therapy.

You have been let down by your company .
That man created a situation the bullies you and embarrassed you in front of everyone.
He genuinely sounds like a player . Sorry but seems like he used you for sex .
He probably treats all women like this it’s not personal . Hence why his ex and kids want nothing to so with him.
Why are you trying to repair people ?
Again you need therapy.

Can you move to another job so you are not so isolated ? Does your work have HR ? As your boss allowed this bullying in the work place ? I wouldn’t be a. Walk over anymore .
If I had to leave my job I’d be seeking legal advice . It’s sounds a toxic environment and maybe you would be happier somewhere else.

Once again op this isn’t a you problem it’s a him problem !
He is simply a horrible person .

I’m glad you had a lovely weekend and met with nice, genuine people. Keep doing that!
But still, you’re thinking of yourself as being at fault, that it’s about you not being good enough, not attractive enough- and sure as day follows night, it isn’t that at all! He’d have been the same if you were a size 8, because he’s a piece of shit. You’re defining yourself by how he treated you, not by who you really are. Your weekend friend saw you as you are. It shines through in what you post here. He acted as he did - because of who he is, not because of who you are!

Thanks both. He was so convincing. Over such a long period of time, even when we weren't even together. To have not only slept with him but to have had him in my home, trusting him with my things, my family photos etc, just makes me question my own level of intelligence. He even told me I didn't have to worry about money ever again. The nicer I was to him, the worse his behaviour became. Someone once told me that he takes responsibility for nothing, walks away from everything and that nothing is ever his fault.

I first believed him to be a really nice man who had had a lot of bad luck. Now I wish I could see inside the rest of his life to see what way he behaved with others. He said his kids have been poisoned against him. I know of another woman from many years ago who the second she expressed she was serious about him, he ran away and told everyone there was no way he was going back. He seems to take out his anger on his first wife leaving him on every other woman he comes across. I would never have hurt him but I was so severely punished for caring. And I will never understand how loving someone so much leads to cruelty. I will never understand how a 54 year old man can live the way he does, with no regard for anyone, pushing away anyone who cares. I just hope he regrets it one day.

I just hope that one day (soon) you won’t care what happens to him or what he thinks, one way or another!

He is in control of his own actions and words, how he treats people is awful and the answer to every question you have @YourBrickTiger. He degrades and treats everyone like shit when they get close to him.
Instead of questioning everything he did to you personally, that hurt and devastated you, you should start challenging your thoughts.
If he treats his ex’s and kids like shit and degrades them, why would I expect him to treat me any differently?

He makes out nothing is ever his fault see and I believed that. I believed he was hard done by and that everything had happened due to these other people. His second wife is now divorcing him, only a few months after getting her citizenship. I mean is he that stupid?

Yes OP he is THAT stupid, now put him to the back of your mind and move on

God I wish it was that easy.

So why, knowing how he treats others, are you blaming yourself? This is clear evidence it's his fault. You had a positive weekend and I'm so pleased @YourBrickTiger please build on that!

You need to move on @YourBrickTiger

He is just a man who has many, many faults.

Perhaps, you need some outside help to move on but really fixating on this terrible excuse of a guy is harming you. Why would you let some lowlife harm your life?

Have you ever looked into Limerence? There are some really good pieces about it online that I think you may be able to relate to.

It can be very nuanced but is essentially when you are more attached to the idea of someone that you have inside of your head than you are to the actual person.

I hope you are also able to build up the confidence to seek an alternative job. It seems that between this man, your supervisor and some of your other colleagues, your current workplace has taken over your entire life. There are other workplaces out there where you won't have to deal with the uncomfortableness and distress you are facing currently.

Until I talked to you all here, I really thought it was down to me that he did this. I really didn't believe there was something other than a decent person and he seemed so genuine at first. Like I said I didn't honestly believe that a person could be so awful to anyone. And because it was normalised and because I had no choice I just got on with it.

@kellygoeswest I have heard of limerance but I am afraid to research it incase it means I'm a nutter. My belief has always been that I love him but I am starting to understand that he isn't the person I thought he was.

@YourBrickTiger No, it's all him!!

If your version of events are correct. This is a man with a serious personality disorder or mental health issues. Don’t try and fix him. Run like hell.