Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

Have you told your some you we’re prioritising the kids not his sister?

I can't see that helping at all ...

What I need is advice on how to put this right. I am now looking at a potential DIL and mother of my grandkids that I have never met!!!

That is so nasty.

I hope she keeps herself & any kids well away from you with that attitude.

@lifesabench

i don’t think babies and toddlers give a fuck if their uncle has different girlfriends, Op.

you have been very foolish.

He didn't have streams of girlfriends he had a few long term ones.

They combust don't they??

🤣🤣🤣🤣

yes, they blow up. So they can only be around people who are guaranteed to be with the same partner for the rest of their lives.

If the daughter ever gets divorced (don't assume that just because she and her husband are Christian, it won't happen) I wouldn't blame the son for being petty and saying to his mother, "Okay, you can meet my wife and child - but only if you exclude my sister from events from now on. I don't want a divorced woman around my baby..."

Now I would do that 😈

Have a family thing that doesn't involve your daughter and her family, and invite him. Maybe a wine tasting, something clearly adults only, and no other guests. Say his partner is very welcome but don't push and push it. Repeat. Create a safe space for her to be welcomed in, so if the relationship continues, if there's kids,

Have a different family thing that is grandchildren oriented, maybe a water park or something kids would enjoy, for daughter and her godbotherer husband & the kids. Focus on your relationship with them.

You don't have to be everything everywhere all at once. Relationships can be nurtured separately.

I can’t believe you’ve allowed a sanctimonious judgemental controlling holier than thou prick to dictate your family dynamic.

Your poor DS knowing his family look down on him for the heinous crime of not marrying the first girl who crossed his path.

You're lucky he speaks to you at all and how great that he’s got potential in-laws who accept him completely into their world.

And tbh you don’t even sound sorry. You’re trying to justify your appalling behaviour and only now give a shit about this woman in the hope she’ll be having your grandchildren. I don’t blame her for steering very clear from your toxic world.

She might just be busy with her grandchildren

Honestly you sound awful and your daughter worse.

He's well shut of you.

You made your choice. You can’t just shift your priorities for your own selfish whims.

So if you haven’t got time to read, why are you commenting? Why do you think any of us have the time to read YOUR view when it’s completely ill-informed?

OP has had plenty of advice. The trouble is, it wasn’t the advice she wanted. She wanted “Awwh OP, I feel for you; it must be so hard feeling rejected like this. XYZ is the magic solution that will get your son to forgive you and give you what you want without upsetting your precious daughter”.

Well guess what - there IS no magic solution. The only possible solution is to grovel like crazy and to shut her vile controlling daughter down at every turn from now on. But she doesn’t want to do that. She’s instantly caveating any suggestion that she knows she did wrong with “But my grandchildren are my priority” and “But I can’t apologise anyway as he won’t come if my daughter’s there” and “But if I try to make my daughter come she will stop me seeing my grandchildren”.

But, but, but… it’s pathetic. There ARE no buts here. She put the demands of one child over the needs of the other, and if she has any chance of fixing it, she needs to drop the doormat attitude and attempts at justification. That’s why people are “tearing her to shreds”.

Still, at least now OP has some competition for the most clueless person on the thread…

I’m assuming OP is not coming back as she didn’t get the responses she wanted. But it’s interesting she hasn’t mentioned a husband/the children’s father. If she’s divorced or widowed, I wonder how Princess Pushy would react to her getting a new partner? Would she also declare that she doesn’t want a string of potential step grandfathers being “paraded” in front of her precious offspring?

If she can do it once, she can do it again. Why wouldn’t she when she’s been shown she can get away with it?

I'd love to know if the daughter ever dated anyone before marrying her husband and if he was banned from family occasions before they got married.
I'd guess not.

I also don't understand how the OP expected her children to ever meet someone they wanted to marry, if they had to treat their dates like dirty little secrets, not permitted to meet any of their partners relations unless they could enter waving a pregnancy test with a positive result in their hand.

I haven't been back, because you're all telling me what I know. I know I was wrong and the situation is a mess. What I need to know is how to fix it. He won't bring her round to "meet the parents" and says he doesn't want something formal, which it will be if it is just us. Equally he doesn't want to see his sister. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

There is nothing I can offer to make him happy. If anyone can help there, it would be useful, otherwise believe me, you're just telling me what I already know.

Why can't you meet her without his sister being present? I don't get it.

Maybe do some thing together that isn’t them coming round for dinner? Dinner out, walk and cafe/ice cream or visit a NT property.

Yes there is something you can ‘offer to make him happy’ - you agree to exactly what he is prepared to do and go from there. This isn’t fir you to call the shots

You've allowed your judgmental control freak SIL to ruin your family dynamic. You’ll never be a united family unit so accept you need to have separate relationships with each of your DC

I don’t get how you can’t understand that

A sincere apology for starters from everyone. You. Your DD and her dh . Then it’s his choice what happens after. I don’t think it’s up to you anymore to dictate if he wants to engage.

Fair play to you for returning.

Ask him if there are any circumstances that he can see that meeting up might work - drink in a pub, or dog walk etc

something easy & short.
not an interview.

You need to build his confidence and trust that you won’t interfere.

and absolutely fuck all to do with his sister.

Lots of people have suggested how to fix it.

Actually apologise to him. Because at no point do you seem to have done that. It's all very well telling us that you know you are wrong, but it's not going to help unless he knows that.

Have you talked to him about it? Not about meeting the girlfriend, but about what happened to the relationship between the two of you?

Stop focusing on his girlfriend and your DD and focus on him. Instead of suggesting meeting her, suggest just meeting him. For a coffee. Away from home. Or a nice walk somewhere. Just you two.

Ask how the girlfriend is but don't suggest meeting her. Let him feel he's important and not just the link to another set of grandchildren. It's your relationship with him that you need to rebuild - not a relationship with his girlfriend. That will come when he sees (hopefully) a new you.

And you never know, a couple of walks/coffee/lunch or whatever later, he may bring his girlfriend to 'drop by to say hi' like her mum and sisters seem to do.