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Original poster

Would you date an incredible man, if no spark (sexual or conversation).

111 replies

SparrowEdge · 09/07/2025 22:40

I met a man over a year ago.
I was not initially attracted to him when we met the first time, but as we had a few conversations, I began to be more drawn to him.

What attracted me during that time was his nature, he is incredibly respectful, kind, considerate, generous, and one of the first truly chivalrous men I've ever met.
The conversations we had indicated that we shared a LOT of the same core values, especially around things like community, the value of art, the importance of Nature, and views on life and consciousness that seem rare.
He admitted attraction for me and we started to spend time together.

We got to know each other slowly, went on meaningful dates, and waited to be sexual for a lot longer than I'm used to (this was something we agreed on, to get to know one another).

But I found that often during our time together conversation would stagnate.
I would ask a question and only get a short, non-continual answer.
Or there would be a feeling of not having anything to say, not being able to think of things to talk about. There is usually little to no conversation spark, none of that exciting flow of ideas type thing.
I also felt at times that I was not being myself, that I was censoring my behavior... especially the more extroverted, weird or flamboyant parts...

When we eventually felt like taking the step of sleeping with each other, it didn't happen the first time. It felt clunky and awkward, we both moved towards sex but it just felt a bit too strange.
In the end we did and it was pleasant but no spark. I felt little on the visceral emotional pleasure level, and was very very in my head.

I know that sometimes nerves play a massive role in intimacy and want to give grace for that. But this was after a long time of knowing each other and it has persisted to varying degrees throughout our time together.

We've been together for about a year. But I can't shake this.
During this time, I've found out that we have almost exactly matching goals for our lives in terms of where we'd like to live, how much we want to travel, the work/life balance we want, kids/no kids and how we would raise them, marriage opinions, etc... ALL of it!!

There is also a larger age gap of over 15 years to consider here. I'm in my mid-twenties.

I guess I'm just having my doubts and would appreciate any feedback or relevant lived experience...

OP posts:
FloraBotticelli · 09/07/2025 22:45

No I wouldn’t date him. Sounds like there’s emotional unavailability at play - definitely him, perhaps you too as you’re not listening to your spidey senses.

In your mid-twenties you have masses of time and opportunity to find sometime lovely.

HundredMilesAnHour · 09/07/2025 22:45

You’re only in your mid-20s??! Move on! He isn’t the man for you. Having some of the same values and/or goals isn’t enough to base a relationship on. You need an emotional connection. And a physical connection. And it seems like you have neither. You’ve certainly tried but you’re flogging a dead horse.

okydokethen · 09/07/2025 22:47

Oh gosh no! You’ve tried for a year as it is don’t make this it.

minipie · 09/07/2025 22:49

God no.

DustlandFairytaleBeginning · 09/07/2025 22:49

I tried once for a few weeks in a similar vein- how have you done this for a whole year? I found it quite damaging emotionally trying to be intimate when i wasnt feeling it. You can't talk yourself into it however nice the guy is.

NuffSaidSam · 09/07/2025 22:51

I suppose it depends what you want from life, but this sounds absolutely horrendous to me!

Are you sure you share so much in common and he isn't just agreeing with whatever you say? It seems if you had so much in common the conversation would be better.

yeesh · 09/07/2025 22:52

A year? If it’s not there now it never will be. The age gap is crazy when you’re so young as well. Don’t waste any more of your time.

4forksache · 09/07/2025 22:52

You are too young to settle. Find the whole package.

Plus, even without the rest, the age gap which is ok now, won’t be ok when you are 50 married to a 65 year old!

3luckystars · 09/07/2025 22:53

Mid 20s!!! Don’t settle for anything less than absolutely fun and amazing!!!

Having said all that, the exciting ‘spark’ thing can sometimes be anxiety so I wouldn’t be on the hunt for that, but fun definitely yes!!

Na don’t censor yourself ever x

ViciousCurrentBun · 09/07/2025 22:53

This was a non starter from the get go, I think you know very quickly if they are right for you, it may not be perfect always but it shouldn’t be difficult, been with mine for 30 years. Plus he is 40? What’s his history and not just what he says.

TwistedWonder · 09/07/2025 22:54

So you say he’s incredible but you aren’t attracted to him, don’t particularly enjoy the sex, your conversation doesn’t flow, you find him dull and you’re changing who you are to please him.

What exactly is incredible about this man? Stop wasting your life on someone you’re not compatible with. It’s not fair on either of you to drag this out. You’re too young to settle for a dullard who doesn’t excite you sexually

Original poster
SparrowEdge · 09/07/2025 22:55

SparrowEdge · 09/07/2025 22:40

I met a man over a year ago.
I was not initially attracted to him when we met the first time, but as we had a few conversations, I began to be more drawn to him.

What attracted me during that time was his nature, he is incredibly respectful, kind, considerate, generous, and one of the first truly chivalrous men I've ever met.
The conversations we had indicated that we shared a LOT of the same core values, especially around things like community, the value of art, the importance of Nature, and views on life and consciousness that seem rare.
He admitted attraction for me and we started to spend time together.

We got to know each other slowly, went on meaningful dates, and waited to be sexual for a lot longer than I'm used to (this was something we agreed on, to get to know one another).

But I found that often during our time together conversation would stagnate.
I would ask a question and only get a short, non-continual answer.
Or there would be a feeling of not having anything to say, not being able to think of things to talk about. There is usually little to no conversation spark, none of that exciting flow of ideas type thing.
I also felt at times that I was not being myself, that I was censoring my behavior... especially the more extroverted, weird or flamboyant parts...

When we eventually felt like taking the step of sleeping with each other, it didn't happen the first time. It felt clunky and awkward, we both moved towards sex but it just felt a bit too strange.
In the end we did and it was pleasant but no spark. I felt little on the visceral emotional pleasure level, and was very very in my head.

I know that sometimes nerves play a massive role in intimacy and want to give grace for that. But this was after a long time of knowing each other and it has persisted to varying degrees throughout our time together.

We've been together for about a year. But I can't shake this.
During this time, I've found out that we have almost exactly matching goals for our lives in terms of where we'd like to live, how much we want to travel, the work/life balance we want, kids/no kids and how we would raise them, marriage opinions, etc... ALL of it!!

There is also a larger age gap of over 15 years to consider here. I'm in my mid-twenties.

I guess I'm just having my doubts and would appreciate any feedback or relevant lived experience...

I should add:
The age gap was almost a deal breaker for him... it took him some processing time and a lot of discussion together, to decide to give it a go. So I very much admire his integrity around that.

OP posts:
IridiumSky · 09/07/2025 22:56

NuffSaidSam · 09/07/2025 22:51

I suppose it depends what you want from life, but this sounds absolutely horrendous to me!

Are you sure you share so much in common and he isn't just agreeing with whatever you say? It seems if you had so much in common the conversation would be better.

Bloke here - I agree with this.

This dude sounds a bore who simply agrees with everything you say.

Lighteningstrikes · 09/07/2025 22:56

Honestly I would end this.
Pay attention to him lacking in conversation.
Don’t think it will improve because it won’t.
Never set yourself up with a boring guy, it’s death by 1000 swords.

Missj25 · 09/07/2025 22:57

SparrowEdge · 09/07/2025 22:40

I met a man over a year ago.
I was not initially attracted to him when we met the first time, but as we had a few conversations, I began to be more drawn to him.

What attracted me during that time was his nature, he is incredibly respectful, kind, considerate, generous, and one of the first truly chivalrous men I've ever met.
The conversations we had indicated that we shared a LOT of the same core values, especially around things like community, the value of art, the importance of Nature, and views on life and consciousness that seem rare.
He admitted attraction for me and we started to spend time together.

We got to know each other slowly, went on meaningful dates, and waited to be sexual for a lot longer than I'm used to (this was something we agreed on, to get to know one another).

But I found that often during our time together conversation would stagnate.
I would ask a question and only get a short, non-continual answer.
Or there would be a feeling of not having anything to say, not being able to think of things to talk about. There is usually little to no conversation spark, none of that exciting flow of ideas type thing.
I also felt at times that I was not being myself, that I was censoring my behavior... especially the more extroverted, weird or flamboyant parts...

When we eventually felt like taking the step of sleeping with each other, it didn't happen the first time. It felt clunky and awkward, we both moved towards sex but it just felt a bit too strange.
In the end we did and it was pleasant but no spark. I felt little on the visceral emotional pleasure level, and was very very in my head.

I know that sometimes nerves play a massive role in intimacy and want to give grace for that. But this was after a long time of knowing each other and it has persisted to varying degrees throughout our time together.

We've been together for about a year. But I can't shake this.
During this time, I've found out that we have almost exactly matching goals for our lives in terms of where we'd like to live, how much we want to travel, the work/life balance we want, kids/no kids and how we would raise them, marriage opinions, etc... ALL of it!!

There is also a larger age gap of over 15 years to consider here. I'm in my mid-twenties.

I guess I'm just having my doubts and would appreciate any feedback or relevant lived experience...

Defo not couple material OP ..
From what you’ve said, more like 2 friends who should catch up for coffee every couple of months , haven’t seen each other for a while so have things to chat about ..🤷🏻‍♀️

AmyDuPlantier · 09/07/2025 22:58

Huh? You’ve been with this guy for a year…when I got to that part of your post my jaw dropped. Awkward sex and bad chat…good god. Just give it a couple decades and see how awkward things can get then.

You're young, move him along!

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/07/2025 22:59

Are you sure he's not just agreeing with everything you say? It would explain why he doesn't have anything further to add.

Beachtastic · 09/07/2025 23:02

Feeling you have to censor yourself is no way to live. Trust your gut: this is not the right man for you, however well your stated goals appear to align.

mrsfollowill · 09/07/2025 23:03

Don't settle- you should feel like a goddess when you are around him at your age- it's this this sustains you 30yrs into your relationship - if there is no spark now there never will be. Do not throw your youth away on someone who doesn't deserve it. If he is not your total 'hero' chuck him back.

SquishedMallow · 09/07/2025 23:08

So, my DH is 15yrs my senior.

We met when I was early 20s him late 30s. Married in my later 20s. Two beautiful children. He's an incredible father.

We met when my life was very chaotic. I wasn't the most stable, balanced person. He was everything I needed and still is. My life is calm, balanced and incredibly fortunate. I couldn't have a more stable life (and that's so badly what I needed and wanted ) I'm a different person and most of that, is purely because of him.

Like you, there were some things that were "missing". Emotional intimacy has always been a problem for him (some of it his upbringing/some of it his autistic traits ) he can be a little boring (for want of a better word ) and he is definitely incredibly insanely different to me. I've had many pangs over the years of craving a little excitement or something similar. But ultimately I did all that with unsuitable men and it never ever worked out well. I hate all these self diagnoses but I'd definitely be ADHD (undiagnosed) and recognise that absolute dopamine quick satisfaction cravings and ultimately they're futile and shallow for me.

Being with my dear DH has meant I've had to put parts of my personality to one side , but they were the parts that ultimately didn't lead to much good. It's a sacrifice, but for me, it's ultimately worth it. I wouldn't swap the life I have now for all the money in the world (despite missing excitement, fun and someone who's more like me personality wise ) great chemistry is electric - but for me, it all comes back to that dopamine hit again.

But the difference is with us : the sex was very good at the beginning and there was lust (all be it a little compartmentalized for him ) sex definitely wasn't a problem in those early days.

That's my story. You may take something from it.

LotaWyseWomen · 09/07/2025 23:16

Absolutely no way would I have settled for this in my 20s. You are so young, in your prime. The world is your oyster at this age.

SquishedMallow · 09/07/2025 23:21

Adding to my post : I was possibly in different circumstances to you when I met my DH. This sounds cheesy and dramatic, but there is no other way of wording this , he 'saved my life '.but, In some ways, I think I saved his too. I needed every quality he had to offer and vice versa. He's no saint, he can be a real whining old man sometimes and drives me a bit insane to be honest. But all the sacrifices are ultimately worth it (despite feeling a little frustrated sometimes by the things lacking ) but ultimately I chose wisely.

If the world is your oyster and you have a good grip on life , then it probably is best to have a good think about the future. Decades in an unfulfilling relationship will take its toll on you and could even lead to things like affairs in the future. It's a very big undertaking to be partnered up with someone with such fundamental chemistry lacking. It might not feel so bad now , but it will get to you eventually. It really does depend what you're looking for in life and what means most to you. Only you really know the answer to that.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/07/2025 23:22

You will regret staying a day longer, if you stay you will absolutely find or meet someone who makes your tummy fanny flutter within 5 minutes of knowing them, the drastic difference of feelings between that person and this man now will show you how much you've compromised on.

Get out, you have plenty of time to find a better match.

Empress13 · 09/07/2025 23:25

No this isn’t going to work imagine feeling like this for the rest of your life I’d move on you’re still young

Mmhmmn · 09/07/2025 23:29

Don’t do it.