Would you date an incredible man, if no spark (sexual or conversation).

[SparrowEdge]

I met a man over a year ago.
I was not initially attracted to him when we met the first time, but as we had a few conversations, I began to be more drawn to him.

What attracted me during that time was his nature, he is incredibly respectful, kind, considerate, generous, and one of the first truly chivalrous men I've ever met.
The conversations we had indicated that we shared a LOT of the same core values, especially around things like community, the value of art, the importance of Nature, and views on life and consciousness that seem rare.
He admitted attraction for me and we started to spend time together.

We got to know each other slowly, went on meaningful dates, and waited to be sexual for a lot longer than I'm used to (this was something we agreed on, to get to know one another).

But I found that often during our time together conversation would stagnate.
I would ask a question and only get a short, non-continual answer.
Or there would be a feeling of not having anything to say, not being able to think of things to talk about. There is usually little to no conversation spark, none of that exciting flow of ideas type thing.
I also felt at times that I was not being myself, that I was censoring my behavior... especially the more extroverted, weird or flamboyant parts...

When we eventually felt like taking the step of sleeping with each other, it didn't happen the first time. It felt clunky and awkward, we both moved towards sex but it just felt a bit too strange.
In the end we did and it was pleasant but no spark. I felt little on the visceral emotional pleasure level, and was very very in my head.

I know that sometimes nerves play a massive role in intimacy and want to give grace for that. But this was after a long time of knowing each other and it has persisted to varying degrees throughout our time together.

We've been together for about a year. But I can't shake this.
During this time, I've found out that we have almost exactly matching goals for our lives in terms of where we'd like to live, how much we want to travel, the work/life balance we want, kids/no kids and how we would raise them, marriage opinions, etc... ALL of it!!

There is also a larger age gap of over 15 years to consider here. I'm in my mid-twenties.

I guess I'm just having my doubts and would appreciate any feedback or relevant lived experience...

Life naturally get's less exciting as we get older so why start so young. Anyway....if you're not in love with him or can't imagine spending the rest of your life with him. Get out while you can.

Nah op. You know it too! That’s why you have posted here. Trust your gut. At one year in you should still be ripping one another’s clothes off and you should definitely be able to have a decent conversation.

It sounds to me like you both have a check-list of what you want in a partner and you both fit the bill but without sparks or even a basic friendship, a more serious relationship is doomed to failure I’m afraid. It shouldn’t be this hard at this point.

A year is long enough to know. Like you say, she already knows the answer.

If it isn't working in the first year, it won't work. The first year of a healthy relationship is usually full of endless conversation and great sex. It shouldn't be this hard work. It gets very hard work when you are sleep deprived and short of money and overworked with small children squealing "Muuuuuuummmm' and puking mashed bananas up the walls. That's when the conversation and sex stagnate and you have to make an effort. Not in the first year when everything is easy.

Hard no from me

I have been with my husband 20 years and there is no-one that I would rather spend time with. No-one I'd rather have dinner with, no-one I'd rather go to bed with. Is that true for you? Do you think it would still be true in a decade?

I agree with other posters that it sounds like he just agrees with you and that's why all your goals align.

Anyway variety is the spice of life. You could be with someone with even more optimistic goals than you, you are so young!!! You can do anything.

I cannot even begin to imagine why are you putting yourself through this. Honestly OP, there is a life to be lived out there, no need to put up with someone much older than you with whom you have lots in common with but no connection.

Aren’t you heartbroken already trying to mould to his needs and expectations at a detriment of your own?

Gosh I’d be horrified if my 23 year old daughter came home with a forty year old man. This doesn’t sound right for you.

This is so true, it all should be amazing now.

When youre older, have children, financial difficulties etc, the relationship will be bloody hard work, you will need to have had the good times, the better times, the intense love.

Gosh this is so similar in so many ways.

I'm definitely a more chaotic person, until we met I was traveling solo, hitch-hiking, wild camping, very transient in my work/home location, etc. I'm also a very energetic, sometimes frantic person. I struggle to be calm and centered a lot.

He is very calm, peaceful, slow, considered. Part of the age thing perhaps, is growing out of the rush.
And yes, he would in terms of who he is, make a beaitifully peaceful, grounding partner and a fantastic father.

But also, and I'm hesitant to label or pathologize any of this, he does exhibit signs of autism. It's also been pointed out by close friends.
But I could easily see this contributing to his communication struggles.
And I definitely exhbit ADHD tendencies!

I do feel I am sacrificing things and feel I may resent that later.
Have you ever resented him or yourself, for what you compromised to be with him?

The sex isn't always awkward, it's just not passionate. And hasn't been. Where in previous relationships (as others have said) I've felt lust and desire strongly for at least the first year.
Have you ever been with men who were 'more exciting' and did those relationships veer more towards being easeful or turbulent in other aspects?

One last point - "if the world is your oyster"
It is. I feel. I am young and I believe myself to be quite attractive. At least, I've never struggled with dating or been un-willingly single.
BUT, I don't want to date around for the next few years in short flings. I want to reach depths within relationship, traverse the long-term, build real intimacy and a life together.
And I feel I'd like to be a younger Mum (in my twenties).

Thanks so much for such a detailed answer

He sounds nice but boring. You don't need grounding.

You are so you and your life is before you please don’t settle .
Sex should be a huge part of your lives in the beginning. Basically it sounds like your just not in love sorry x

No problem 😃

So, yes , I have had periods of resenting him. Definitely. But ultimately I'm looking through rose tinted glasses. I'd sometimes fantasise over chemistry mad, lust fuelled past experiences with men I had electric chemistry with. But those experiences were short lived and I never lived with them.so a lot of it was based on fantasies in my head of how I envisaged things to be, fantasy if you like, not how they actually were.Long term relationships don't tend to be based on "fanny flutters" lust, and pure desire. Although I think you do need a touch of that in the beginning to start the relationship.

My DH is 100% Asperger's. Even he kind of knows that now. Like any condition, it has it's pros and cons. Pros are : he is so committed, reliable, loyal, integral and stable. There will never be an affair, a bankruptcy, a loan I didn't know about. He'll never come home pissed as a fart, there'll never be drugs or gambling habits. A lot of these "dopamine high" attractive people to bed or date, will have these traits usually. Comes with the territory. I'm so thankful I picked the solid option to be a father to my children.

The cons: emotional distance, compartmentalises sex/emotional stuff, quite closed off with intimacy /limited capability. Black and white thinking. Will often hold a grudge to others lifelong if he's wronged by them. Finds chilling/relaxing tricky. Sees everything logically. Doesn't need deep conversations.

I'll read your message again and see if I'm missed any questions.

Ps I wanted to be settled in my 20s too. (We both have a fairly good career, that's how we met )

There's a backstory to how you've ended up with him and it's not because he's a good match. Sounds like you were feeling you needed to be more grounded in life and suddenly there he was to help you achieve that.

You've latched on to that one thing about him that you thought would help you be a different person.

You would be better resolving that in some other way (maybe counselling). He's not fulfilling all your other needs from a relationship.

No. Come on, you’re too young to settle or force it. I mean this kindly, but you are wasting your time and his.

Loads of people respect art and nature. You’ll easily find another one of them.

You do sound like you have your life plan very mapped out and want someone to agree with you and not challenge your way of thinking. It does sound a bit dull.

OP, it sounds awful. Stilted conversation. Self
censorship. Crap sex.

You are all up in your head now, trying to reason this into a possibility when it absolutely is not.

No no no.
Stilted conversation, awkward sex and you’re changing your personality.
All in less than a year.
This is a non-starter op.

This post pretty much says it all.

If you stay with him or, god forbid, have children with him you will regret it so badly.

And believe it or not, he deserves to be with someone who experiences visceral, emotional pleasure when they're having sex with him (just as you deserve it, too). If you stay with him you're denying him that, and that is incredibly selfish, not to say horribly cruel.

You're only mid-twenties; the full year you've already wasted with him is more than enough – what a huge chunk of your young life to spend with someone you absolutely know, deep down, is really wrong for you. Release yourself, and him, from this awful relationship.

Nothing good lies ahead if you stay.

Sometimes what you see is what you get and it's not what you want. It doesn't get better than that.

No personality and bad sex. Is he at least rich?

I am 49 married to a 64-year-old, have never been happier, and the age gap is meaningless. My grandmother was 18 years younger than my grandfather, and he died at 96, still pretty active.

The issue here isn't ageist prejudices, but rather that there is no attraction – don't waste your time with a man you aren't in love with, OP. You will regret it.

Corr....telling me? Oh sorry. No you was telling OP 😄

Yes, a lot of the things we have similar values on are things that I asked his opinion on before sharing mine. Thus, he would have had little to no idea of my stance on things.