Would you date an incredible man, if no spark (sexual or conversation).

[SparrowEdge]

I met a man over a year ago.
I was not initially attracted to him when we met the first time, but as we had a few conversations, I began to be more drawn to him.

What attracted me during that time was his nature, he is incredibly respectful, kind, considerate, generous, and one of the first truly chivalrous men I've ever met.
The conversations we had indicated that we shared a LOT of the same core values, especially around things like community, the value of art, the importance of Nature, and views on life and consciousness that seem rare.
He admitted attraction for me and we started to spend time together.

We got to know each other slowly, went on meaningful dates, and waited to be sexual for a lot longer than I'm used to (this was something we agreed on, to get to know one another).

But I found that often during our time together conversation would stagnate.
I would ask a question and only get a short, non-continual answer.
Or there would be a feeling of not having anything to say, not being able to think of things to talk about. There is usually little to no conversation spark, none of that exciting flow of ideas type thing.
I also felt at times that I was not being myself, that I was censoring my behavior... especially the more extroverted, weird or flamboyant parts...

When we eventually felt like taking the step of sleeping with each other, it didn't happen the first time. It felt clunky and awkward, we both moved towards sex but it just felt a bit too strange.
In the end we did and it was pleasant but no spark. I felt little on the visceral emotional pleasure level, and was very very in my head.

I know that sometimes nerves play a massive role in intimacy and want to give grace for that. But this was after a long time of knowing each other and it has persisted to varying degrees throughout our time together.

We've been together for about a year. But I can't shake this.
During this time, I've found out that we have almost exactly matching goals for our lives in terms of where we'd like to live, how much we want to travel, the work/life balance we want, kids/no kids and how we would raise them, marriage opinions, etc... ALL of it!!

There is also a larger age gap of over 15 years to consider here. I'm in my mid-twenties.

I guess I'm just having my doubts and would appreciate any feedback or relevant lived experience...

Tbh OP it sounds like you’ve decided you want to be in a committed relationship have kids in your 30’s and he’s your Mr Right Now you’re settling for to make that happen.

Please listen to the responses on here from older experienced women who have made that mistake and not just the one PP who is validating your situation.

Don’t make a huge mistake of settling for convenience - you’ll regret it in time but by the time you could be at home with a couple of kids and resenting this dull marriage with boring sex

Whilst reading I thought you were 60+ not in your 20s!

There’s nothing wrong with being in a sexless partnership but you 100% need to have a clear conversation about it and both be on the same page.

Is sex something you’ve valued/been interested in before? If it is then you shouldn’t be settling for this.

If there's no sexual chemistry instantly and after a year of trying still none then I think it's safe to assume there never will be.

This reply is everything you need to know.

I would never dream of thinking this way about my husband and I would be devastated not to spend every day with him being his life partner.

I would never in a million years think “oh maybe I could just see DH as someone I meet up with for coffee once in a while.”

This is not the man you should be spending your life with.

Please do not put yourself through this. At 25, you should be enjoying a fabulous physical connection and great conversation.
I am sorry but a 40 year old man presenting about being ‘torn’ over dating a much younger woman and then dating her is not actually that great. He knows the sex his awful. He knows. As an older person, he should do the right thing and end things.
You have so many years ago and you don’t have to be aligned completely to anyone if there is no spark.
Set yourself free and go and enjoy life with people your own age.
If you are in no hurry to have kids then just enjoy life and dating.

It’s frustrating when you match so well on paper - but that’s all it seems to be OP & not in real life/in person. It must be hard esp when it’s difficult to meet /find decent, kind & attractive men & the realities of OLD are enough to keep you in this relationship & be grateful for what you’ve got. But it’s not enough & will only make you & him unhappy long term. You need a spark & a shared interest in each other. You’ve given it a good go though & persevered when you probably already know it’s not meant to be. And it’s helped you realise what you do really want or need from a relationship & hopefully the same for him.

Are you mad? Be single and go and enjoy life. He sounds boring and too old for you. Go and LIVE!

If.you.dont.fancy.them.do.not.date.them.

It's that simple.

Literally the only key requirement you need for a boyfriend is that you actually fancy them.

Otherwise, wtf are you doing?

Maybe if you're in your late 80s, possibly, but still probably not. In your 20s? Why on earth did you even drag it out this long?

Sounds awful. You're wasting your time.

No. I’m not settling because somebody sounds good on paper.

If the sex and conversation isn’t right at this stage, it’ll never work.

If both are right, age difference doesn’t matter.

But, he’s not right for you.

No. Waste of (your) time.

He sounds like a genuinely good bloke, and I’m not knocking that for a second. Respectful, kind, got his head screwed on, and wants the same things out of life as you. That’s rare, and it’s worth something.

But let’s not kid ourselves—if you’re sat across from him and half the time you’re racking your brains for something to say, or you feel like you have to tone yourself down, that’s not nothing. The spark matters. Banter matters. You should be able to be your proper self, daft bits and all, without feeling like you’re on your best behaviour at your nan’s house.

I’ve been there myself. Dated a lass who was lovely in every way, but the conversation just never took off. We’d sit together, and after ten minutes I’d be checking the clock, wondering if I’d left the oven on. No one’s fault, just no zip. After a while, I realised I was missing that feeling of being properly seen and having a laugh.

You’re not being ungrateful or picky. It’s not just about ticking boxes and agreeing on life plans. You want someone you can be silly with, someone who makes you feel alive, not just comfortable. If you’re already doubting it after a year, that’s your gut telling you something.
Don’t settle just because everything looks good on paper.

You deserve the kind of relationship where you feel excited, not just content. Trust yourself. There’s someone out there who’ll love your quirks and keep up with your banter. Don’t be afraid to hold out for that. You’re worth it.

If he’s got no personality and no sex appeal I’m struggling to see why you’d even consider it tbh. There’s lots of perfectly “nice” people around, but doesn’t mean they’re suitable to have a relationship with.

If you have to ask, he isn't the right person for you, sorry.

Even if you think you can live with sacrificing little parts of you, believe me, after 20 or 30 years, you will resent the losses.

In what way are your views rare these days? Are you talking traditional / old fashioned? I have 2 sons, much closer to your age, who probably feel the same way. Whatever your views, I'm sure you're not the only 20 something to espouse them.

Quite the opposite. I was planning to be traveling for several more years and expanding my career (still expanding in that respect, just closer to home)... but I had begun to be disenchanted with traveling.
I wasn't feeling like I needed to be more steady. But I was definitely questioning what concrete, long-term value travel was giving me.

Thank you for being this blunt. I actually found this post extremely helpful.
It is a question I have: am I rushing something that isn't the right thing for me. But then again, I wonder how many people in loving partnerships question if the grass is greener. So I'm cautious to take those questions roo seriously..

The intimacy has improved markedly from those first moments and is often quite enjoyable now.
It's just not clothes tearing!
Conversation does happen in depth. Especially on long drives or after a few days apart. It's just sitting around at home that feels awkward often.

I may be naive in some aspects.
But I wonder what exactly you think I mean when I say integrity.
If I had the slightest sense that his reservations around dating someone so much younger, were anything less than 100% legitimate. I'd hardly call him integral. Let alone continue to see him.

God no.

need good exciting sex

But esp at your age. Hes far too old and boring

I'm struggling to see how this is the opposite?

You've basically just confirmed exactly what the pp assumed to be the case, thefeby proving their point(s)

"the work/life balance we want, kids/no kids and how we would raise them, marriage opinions, etc."

And you're in your 20s? Wtf did i just read.

Find a man your own age and learn to live a little or one day you'll be standing at the kitchen sink aged 45 realising you've slowly gone mad

Noooooooo! Go live your wild and free 20’s. Figure out who you are and what you want from life. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t excite you. If this is how you feel one year in, can you imagine how bored out of your brain you will be after 20+ years?

A year is decision time. If you can’t be yourself you need someone you can be with. It sounds like he ticks your boxes but the connection emotional side isn’t there. You will probably end up in friend zone. I was with someone I wasn’t massively attracted to but he was nice/kind etc for a long time it worked. But it wasn’t enough, we should have been friends. Never settle op, keep looking.

I think in a world where we are bombarded with messages about men and red flags, it can be really tempting to settle with a man who is seemingly perfect. I know, because I haven’t tried.

It doesn’t need to be all consuming fireworks and passion, but at your age you should feel excitement about this man. And this will not grow in time… you should never have to censor yourself.

Meet someone who makes you feel safe to be who you truly are, but let this is a welcoming lesson to you that there are respectful men out there- this one just isn’t for you