Would you date an incredible man, if no spark (sexual or conversation).

[SparrowEdge]

I met a man over a year ago.
I was not initially attracted to him when we met the first time, but as we had a few conversations, I began to be more drawn to him.

What attracted me during that time was his nature, he is incredibly respectful, kind, considerate, generous, and one of the first truly chivalrous men I've ever met.
The conversations we had indicated that we shared a LOT of the same core values, especially around things like community, the value of art, the importance of Nature, and views on life and consciousness that seem rare.
He admitted attraction for me and we started to spend time together.

We got to know each other slowly, went on meaningful dates, and waited to be sexual for a lot longer than I'm used to (this was something we agreed on, to get to know one another).

But I found that often during our time together conversation would stagnate.
I would ask a question and only get a short, non-continual answer.
Or there would be a feeling of not having anything to say, not being able to think of things to talk about. There is usually little to no conversation spark, none of that exciting flow of ideas type thing.
I also felt at times that I was not being myself, that I was censoring my behavior... especially the more extroverted, weird or flamboyant parts...

When we eventually felt like taking the step of sleeping with each other, it didn't happen the first time. It felt clunky and awkward, we both moved towards sex but it just felt a bit too strange.
In the end we did and it was pleasant but no spark. I felt little on the visceral emotional pleasure level, and was very very in my head.

I know that sometimes nerves play a massive role in intimacy and want to give grace for that. But this was after a long time of knowing each other and it has persisted to varying degrees throughout our time together.

We've been together for about a year. But I can't shake this.
During this time, I've found out that we have almost exactly matching goals for our lives in terms of where we'd like to live, how much we want to travel, the work/life balance we want, kids/no kids and how we would raise them, marriage opinions, etc... ALL of it!!

There is also a larger age gap of over 15 years to consider here. I'm in my mid-twenties.

I guess I'm just having my doubts and would appreciate any feedback or relevant lived experience...

God no. If you are in your 20s and don’t want to shag his brains out, by the time you are 40 you will be bored shitless. And in fact you are already bored with him! I’ve been with my husband for over thirty years and we’ve never run out of things to say, we enjoy each others company more than anyone else! I think we spent the first year in bed, please don’t settle for less, you will both be miserable.

Physical spark - for me, meh, but I want the conversation to make my brain feel like it's got sparklers in it. I'm not convinced this is worth giving up the chance of happy for.

How would you feel is someone came along that absolutely blew you away? Deep connection, attraction. Would you feel happy you'd settled for this guy?

If the answer is no, you owe it to yourself to keep looking.

OP, I hope you give yourself a shake, move on, and in 20 years look back grateful that you did. There’s nothing about your posts that suggest you’re remotely right for each other.

i get that you’d like to be a younger mum, and picking a good ‘un to be a father is sensible, but honestly, it sounds like you’ve recruited someone who ticks all the right criteria, without considering whether he’s a good fit for you.

Do both of you a favour and move on. He deserves to find someone more compatible as much as you do.

Forget the sex. It's the feeling awkward. In an early post, you mentioned feeling you had to censor yourself. Do you really want to feel awkward and censor yourself in your own home for the rest of your life?!

Forget previous relationships that were a bit crap. Find a better one.

I don’t understand the OP. Why is she agonising over someone who isn’t remotely ‘incredible’?
What a waste of time and energy. He’s already been given a whole year to see if he’s worth it. Plot twist: he isn’t.
OP stop looking for romance and get on with your life. You’re obsessing too much and having not enough fun.

No I wouldn’t. Not only is sex important but so is friction. Someone you disagree with, who challenges your preconceptions is someone you can grow with. Relationships with people should be dynamic not stagnant,

People can be crap at talking about this stuff!

You have the makings of a great friendship there, but possibly not a relationship unless you are both prepared to do some serious communicating, maybe counselling.

No.

Um it sounds like he's a friend OP!

You need someone you can be yourself with, if it's not there, let it go. It seems underneath that you are subtly blaming yourself for this being perfect on the surface- it's more that you just don't match each others energy.

Maybe it feels awkward sitting around at home because you don't want to be sitting around at home.

No disrespect to 40 year olds, I'm 45, but you have a 15 year age gap.

You haven't even gone through the whole oh wow isn't it actually nice just to stay in and have a cup of tea when you are in your late 30s.

Not to mention how pleasant it is to sit around at home in your mid 40s. It sounds glorious to me now.

But not in your mid 20s. You should be out there doing stuff while you have the youth and energy.