Would you date an incredible man, if no spark (sexual or conversation).

[SparrowEdge]

I met a man over a year ago.
I was not initially attracted to him when we met the first time, but as we had a few conversations, I began to be more drawn to him.

What attracted me during that time was his nature, he is incredibly respectful, kind, considerate, generous, and one of the first truly chivalrous men I've ever met.
The conversations we had indicated that we shared a LOT of the same core values, especially around things like community, the value of art, the importance of Nature, and views on life and consciousness that seem rare.
He admitted attraction for me and we started to spend time together.

We got to know each other slowly, went on meaningful dates, and waited to be sexual for a lot longer than I'm used to (this was something we agreed on, to get to know one another).

But I found that often during our time together conversation would stagnate.
I would ask a question and only get a short, non-continual answer.
Or there would be a feeling of not having anything to say, not being able to think of things to talk about. There is usually little to no conversation spark, none of that exciting flow of ideas type thing.
I also felt at times that I was not being myself, that I was censoring my behavior... especially the more extroverted, weird or flamboyant parts...

When we eventually felt like taking the step of sleeping with each other, it didn't happen the first time. It felt clunky and awkward, we both moved towards sex but it just felt a bit too strange.
In the end we did and it was pleasant but no spark. I felt little on the visceral emotional pleasure level, and was very very in my head.

I know that sometimes nerves play a massive role in intimacy and want to give grace for that. But this was after a long time of knowing each other and it has persisted to varying degrees throughout our time together.

We've been together for about a year. But I can't shake this.
During this time, I've found out that we have almost exactly matching goals for our lives in terms of where we'd like to live, how much we want to travel, the work/life balance we want, kids/no kids and how we would raise them, marriage opinions, etc... ALL of it!!

There is also a larger age gap of over 15 years to consider here. I'm in my mid-twenties.

I guess I'm just having my doubts and would appreciate any feedback or relevant lived experience...

I feel that a lot of my views, especially around commitment, spirituality/beliefs, and family values/children, are quite rare nowadays... especially in young people.
I feel I'm quite alternative and feel I have very high standards in terms of the integrity I expect and desire in a life partner.
I've never met a man who has come close to the integrity of this man.
I feel a connection with so much trust, peace and commitment to working through the ups and down, is a rarer and rarer thing in our world now.

I've definitely considered this. I do wonder if we would be better suited as friends who share the same purpose and aspirations in the world.
And can mutually support each other without romance/sex.

I feel a connection, she says.

She also says:
I found that often during our time together conversation would stagnate.
I would ask a question and only get a short, non-continual answer.
Or there would be a feeling of not having anything to say, not being able to think of things to talk about. There is usually little to no conversation spark, none of that exciting flow of ideas type thing.
I also felt at times that I was not being myself.

Mate, you're fooling yourself. Please stop!

You seem to have excellent self-knowledge, solid self-esteem and great clarity on what a fulfilling relationship looks like for you. It makes no sense that you're compromising on every one of these aspects. What on earth are you thinking??

As to I've never met a man who has come close ... You are 25. You haven't met many men at all yet; it's a big world out there, full of surprises.

I married a man I met at 24. He was the best match I'd found to date, and we had a lot more rapport than you seem to have with your boyfriend. In the years between meeting him and divorcing him, I met a number of much better matches. But I was already married. I was an idiot. Don't be even more of an idiot than I was!

The age difference would be an issue for me. If you are mid-twenties you could still potentially change massively as an individual before you get to forty. Whereas, him not do much. My marriage had a 7 year age gap and it eventually became noticeable. He got tired of doing stuff that he was willing to do in his 30s and became more stuck in his ways.

Also, men’s health tends to decline at a younger stage, relative to women of their age. It may be harder to do shared interests that require extensive travel or physical exertion.

If there was a very deep connection and attraction, that could all be overlooked but only you can answer that.

As a 40 something who can relate to a lot of this I would take this experience as a "learning" on what type of man you want but accept that this guy is no for you. Dont waste another year on him go find someone who does match the profile...

Marriage and a life partner is a LONG road. I couldnt have comprehended the actual realities of marriage mortgage and 2 kids at 20something. You need more than what you describe BUT I do believe my husband and I having very closely aligned beliefs and values means we will go the course. We ar fundamentally in harmony on 98% of things...

You’re in your mid 20s - ditch him and crack on with your life! You sound very much in your own head and over-thinking all of this. Life and marriage/the big relationship are a rolling adventure - it isn’t all mapped out with goals and plans like some sort of American self-help book. It’s a wonderful, rollicking adventure - but it is peppered with challenges and bunps in the road. Move on and meet someone with whom you can chat with, freely and easily. It shouldn’t be like this at your age.

No, absolutely not. At your age there will be plenty of decent men out there who aren’t married off yet.

Men who have integrity, are respectful and are decent partners are not "incredible" or "amazing" or some sort of rare beast. Don't start from this point of view. Expect that any partner should have integrity and respect as a bare minimum and use your compatibility and attraction to elevate them from friend to potential date.

Sometimes someone looks like a fit 'on paper' but it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing....

In another 10 years you’ll be mid 30s - you’ll have changed and grown and still be young and fab, he’ll be even more boring and 50, starting to turn into an old man.

I can’t understand why it’s gone as far as it has. If the conversation isn’t there, I wouldn’t push onto the sex stage and if the sex was as you describe, I’d not keep doing it. Admiring someone’s shared values isn’t a reason to go out with them, especially at your age - and his age. The incompatibilities vastly outweigh the good things. If you had the spark then you could get through the rest. Without it, just be friends. Dont talk yourself into needing him so much. You were doing plenty of interesting things before and have plenty of time to meet others who you can fully be yourself with and not thinking of what to say or whether to bother having sex. It’s not going to get better. Set both of you free to find the right partners.

Good grief! End things and move on asap!

You are wasting his time and yours. Let him go.

Just read back your own post to yourself

no compatibility whatsoever as lovers

End it and move on. This is not enough zo build a lifetime on.

I was interested in someone like this a while back. Met up a few times. He was theoretically perfect in a similar way to how you are describing this man. But there was nothing there, nothing! And no amount of trying could ignite a spark, not even conversationally. He was just so boring to talk to. On paper he was fascinating, really interesting job, interested in the same things as me, etc. but he just didn't have the personality to match. He also gave short answers to things and it was all too much like hard work.
We never got anywhere near having sex but that wouldn't have worked either. No spark at all.
He was also very chivalrous and caring but it felt a bit like he was presenting himself in the way he thought he should but I don't know if it was genuine or just the way he behaved because of the job he does.

Anyway, I moved on due to boredom and so should you.

I am also a wild camper, trekker etc and I am a bit chaotic like you describe yourself. I quickly realized if I got together with this man I'd have to change a lot and compromise on holidays etc and I just didn't want to.
Basically we weren't suited to each other and the lack of spark was a warning sign.

It’s not fair end it and let him go and find someone who wants him
He’ll be thinking he’s got a future with you

I'm not sure relationships should be that hard 🤔

Going to buck the trend here and say he doesn't deserve to be with someone who thinks there's no chemistry. (And may get bored and leave years later). You've not done anything wrong, just end things respectfully. You gave it a try.

How will your life be in 10 years time, when there is no passion to begin with, and you are already running out of things to say to eachother?

Do not do this. Your life is only beginning, don't consign yourself to a slow living death (which is what this will be - it sounds like that already) just because you share a few values - that you will share with many, many other people.

OP You are too young to be in this situation you deserve more.

Quite simply there are plenty more fish, move on.

Good luck.

What? I think you know this is utter drivel.

It sounds to me as if he made you fight to be with him - he took some persuading!- and it just wasn't worth it. For either of you tbh. You find him dull, crap in bed. He must know you do. The relationship will stagnate. Its not really about the age gap, its more that you don't actually find him attractive or interesting.

You seem to think being with him is a catch, but you want him for all the wrong reasons. Is he wealthy?

I read this and immediately thought

God no

and someone else wrote the same haha.

I came here to say this. A 40-something "chivalrous" man (red flag!) wants to get into the knickers of a 25-year-old and will say anything that helps him get there. He doesn't sound incredible to me. You say you share all the same goals and values like wanting to travel and agreeing on a work/life balance. This is all very basic stuff and hardly extraordinary. You sound incredibly naïve.

Fuck no.

No, I will admit that I didn’t have that initial spark and rush of attraction when I first met Dh. He was so lovely and respectful and kind to me and everyone else, we shared values and interests, all that stuff, but we could talk for hours and hours and genuinely had fun together all the time. The spark came with time, but we’re talking months rather than years.

You are mid 20s. Life should be fun. You should have passion and sparks. You should be staying up all night talking. This all sounds too boring.