Teenager tells me he hates me on a daily basis

[Doolallyally]

DS (13) has ADHD and suspected autism and on a daily basis tells me how much he hates me. Not in arguments but just matter of fact. Then if I show I’m upset or annoyed he will say aww, are you going to cry Mammy? Aww is little Mammy upset? Etc.

Example - In the morning the first thing he says is I despise you Mammy. I generally say - thank you for telling me that, that’s good to know etc. Or he will say - you know who hates you? And will sing songs about how much he hates me.

He doesn’t do this to his Dad and for context I am separated from his Dad due to emotional abuse.

I think I’m a good Mum, I take him to nice places, help him with homework, cook him nice food and bring him treats like a nice hot chocolate etc. He also says I’m mean but can’t back it up when I ask him for examples. I’ve tried docking his pocket money, talking to him, ignoring him etc.

Any advice on how to deal with this? I don’t believe he actually hates me but I don’t think it is normal for him to be speaking to his Mother like that. Thank you ☺️

How horrible for you, OP. No child should think they have the right to speak to their parents like that. Sorry I don’t know how to help, but I hope PP will have useful advice. They usually do.
Edited for typo.

I'd certainly stop doing nice things for him if he can't show basic respect. He would be getting the absolute basics.

Would your DH speak to him, tell him he finds it disrespectful and it upsets him to hear it?

I’d be stopping anything nice for him, and not standing for this. What consequences are in place? None? He can’t just speak to you like crap and no consequences.

This sounds like a learned behaviour. Is there any positive male role model in his life? If not, I’d try and get one asap.

Why does he think this is remotely okay? Does he get punished?
It's concerning that he seems gleeful in his hatred at the age of 13.

That’s unacceptable. Say once to him to never say that again to you and then go on strike doing the bare minimum and not speaking unless necessary until he gets the message . What kind of man are you trying to raise?

Unfortunately not. Only my elderly Dad. No one else really. He’s witnessed a lot of disrespect from my ex towards me like name calling and contempt. Worryingly he has expressed views such as I’m a feminist man hater etc. Yes I’m a feminist and I will talk to him about equality but it sounds like he’s viewing man hating feminists on TikTok among other stuff.

I'd tell him to fuck off and live with someone he doesn't hate. I'd even give him his taxi money.

Then, I'd change the locks and get on with my lovely, hate free life, living happily ever after.

Well then you remove his access to the Internet until he learns to behave like a decent human being.

Oh my goodness OP, I’d go absolutely NUCLEAR if my children spoke to me like this. Autistic or not, it’s completely unacceptable. You need to come down on this hard. Remove all devices and privileges until he learns to treat you with respect. No pocket money either.

And delete TikTok. It’s toxic. Get him a dumb phone.

Fuck it unplug the router and hide under your bed.

My son is younger than yours but also ADHD and history of abusive marriage; he worshipped his dad and blamed me for a long time for his dad leaving. He used to say the most awful things to me, my favourite was ‘I want to make you cry the way that daddy used to make you cry’. It broke my heart and I would often end up in tears. He’d always say sorry afterwards, and I’d give him a hug, but really, I just kind of took it.

One day, he said or did something (can’t remember what now) that was just his dad all over and I lost it. I shouted at him that I was done being disrespected by a male in my own home, and he needed to show me some damn respect, and neither he nor anyone else was ever to speak to me like that again. Scared the pants off him (I rarely shout) and he’s not done it since.

The sexist type talk and belittling you must be copied from internet surely.
I have adult children - turns out we are all adhd only recently realised. NO WAY would they have spoken to me like that.
In that situation I would get the router and smash it up in Front of him. Cancel broadband . Cancel his phone account.

Sound alikes he's repeating what he hears at his dad's?

Absolutely not internet/tik tok. He needs to learn consequences to says this to you. Don't just say that's for telling me that!

Please say you don’t have kids.

I would say. I'm sorry if you feel angry/ frustrated/ irritated by me. I'm happy to discuss those feelings if you want to talk about it. But saying you hate me really hurts my feelings. I don't like when you say that, I love you very much.

Example - In the morning the first thing he says is I despise you Mammy. I generally say - thank you for telling me that, that’s good to know etc.

@Doolallyally Why do you thank him for saying something so nasty to you?

Treating each other with contempt or saying nasty things isn’t tolerated in my family. If either child says anything nasty, we pull them up on it immediately. I think that you need to do likewise - “You don’t speak to Mammy like that, it’s not acceptable.” Etc.

You need to teach him that speaking to anyone like that isn’t on.

One day, he said or did something (can’t remember what now) that was just his dad all over and I lost it. I shouted at him that I was done being disrespected by a male in my own home, and he needed to show me some damn respect, and neither he nor anyone else was ever to speak to me like that again. Scared the pants off him (I rarely shout) and he’s not done it since.

This is good advice. Why on earth are you not going ballistic over that level of disrespect and nastiness toward you.

In the morning the first thing he says is I despise you Mammy. I generally say - thank you for telling me that, that’s good to know etc.

Why on earth are you thanking him for saying something that he couldn't get away with saying to anyone else?? Seriously find your outrage. Next time he says it either look at him with a bored expression and say "yeah so you keep saying to be honest it is boring as hell" or yell "shut up you little twerp "

Humble? No. But an adult displaying passive aggressive behaviour to a 13 year old is not the answer.

Tell him that you will give him reasons to really hate you if he doesn't shut up. He goes on and on because he wants you to draw a limit which you don't seem to do? My son's phone and pocket money would be gone if he spoke to me like that. And he's 15 with ASD and really not an easy child to deal with at home with his outbursts and OCD. But he's never intentionally nasty or trying to hurt anyone. This would worry me alot OP. Is he followed by Cahms ? Because this can escalate into physical violence if you don't get help for him (and you).

‘If you tell me you hate me or are disrespectful you will have no technology tomorrow nor will you get any pocket money. This will continue until you show respect’. Then remove his phone/tablet etc and keep it until the behaviour changes.