Teenager tells me he hates me on a daily basis

[Doolallyally]

DS (13) has ADHD and suspected autism and on a daily basis tells me how much he hates me. Not in arguments but just matter of fact. Then if I show I’m upset or annoyed he will say aww, are you going to cry Mammy? Aww is little Mammy upset? Etc.

Example - In the morning the first thing he says is I despise you Mammy. I generally say - thank you for telling me that, that’s good to know etc. Or he will say - you know who hates you? And will sing songs about how much he hates me.

He doesn’t do this to his Dad and for context I am separated from his Dad due to emotional abuse.

I think I’m a good Mum, I take him to nice places, help him with homework, cook him nice food and bring him treats like a nice hot chocolate etc. He also says I’m mean but can’t back it up when I ask him for examples. I’ve tried docking his pocket money, talking to him, ignoring him etc.

Any advice on how to deal with this? I don’t believe he actually hates me but I don’t think it is normal for him to be speaking to his Mother like that. Thank you ☺️

He isn't looking for a boundary. He's looking for excitement, reaction, and a dopamine rush.

Ignoring him is going to make him up the ante.

ADHD dude on YouTube has saved our family.

We paid to access the programme and it was transformational. Start with 'scaffolding better behaviour'. There's various free stuff on YouTube & his podcast. That's great for general learning & trips and specific issues. But scaffolding better behaviour helped us put it all together.

Hmm. I'd try some shock tactics. And fight fire with fire.

He's been rude, bordering on abusively rude and you have responded by ignoring it or replying calmly as though it's a toddler tantrum that needs to pass.

"aww are you going to cry mammy"

"no you cunt I'm not, but you may be crying when I say you can no longer live here because you're a fucking evil twat"

i wouldn't speak to someone like that on an ongoing basis, but i would show once that i had teeth. He's just shitting all over you at the moment.

Is this the kind of emotional abuse his father practised?

I remember my middle child pulling this sort of shit after me and his dad split up he said he was going to live with his dad and make me pay child support I sat down and calmly said your dad refuses to even have you overnight not even once what makes you think he will want you living with him? He jeered even more saying he will he wants me and YOU will have to PAY HIM MONEY (he was dodging child support at the time) I said fine you sort out a date i will help you pack and I will pay your dad the pathetic 12% of my income he wants, it devolved into a IM GOING! And me calmly saying that's fine then he screamed i didn't love him or I would never let him go i said I love him far too much to force him to stay somewhere he clearly doesn't want to be.....he is still here I don't think he even asked his dad if he could move in tbh

It was just another case of abusive man uses child to abuse ex wife i don't think I handled it as well as I could i think womans aid do a course around discipline and children from abused backgrounds

I’m on team go ballistic.

But then I’d also put work into helping him learn to label his feelings, through a logical framework.

Many years ago around the same age as your DS I shouted at my mum 'I hate you and don't want to live here anymore'. She looked at my calmly, told me she loved me and that she loved me far too much to make me stay somewhere I was unhappy and would I like her to call social services to arrange for me to go and live in a children's home and reassured me if I didn't want to live there I didn't have to. Worked a treat. Key point is though, she probably meant it and would have gone through with it - and I knew it.

I'm really sorry for your experience OP. This must be difficult to hear so often :(

@uhta you'd call a 13 year old with special needs a cunt? Yeah, I don't think that's the way to go. I mean obviously OP's way isn't working, and I have no idea what the answer is, but Jesus...

Indeed it is but that's because a behaviour that has previously got a reward (excitement, pushback, mum getting upset) but now isn't, gets what's called an extinction burst.
Eventually, with totally consistent lack of reward (lack of excitement) it will stop.
This strategy worked both to get my DS to stop swearing (he'd picked it up at school aged 8, but now he tells me off if I swear) and to stop randomly breaking plates and glasses "by accident". In both cases he tried harder to get a reaction to start with and then gave up when he got nothing at all.

Yes I absolutely would. You say “a 13yo with special needs” as though he’s helpless. He’s absolutely not. He’s probably at least as big as the OP and perfectly capable and at ease with being vindictive and abusive. Either OP gives a short sharp shock and flips the script, leading to a serious conversation and boundaries or she gets abused into perpetuity.

I have a 19yo and 18yo who are happy and well adjusted and yes the eldest has ASD and it’s been my life’s work to make his life good. And I have. I am not any kind of abuser.

And I have just checked with my 18yo and she’s agreed that OP’s ds is a bully and needs a big shake up - and yes as a one off that does include the very hard hitting calling out.

OP’s child needs this behaviour stopping right now. Not smoothed over or ignored. Or else he’ll abuse her forever and also probably any poor woman he gets with.

@uhta I could not agree more that he needs a serious wake up call, I just can't understand why name calling would help. TBH looking back at OP's posts again, I feel this is much more about the fact that he witnessed domestic abuse than anything else. You're absolutely right about him being likely to go on to abuse others. I wish I had some wise words for OP but I don't.

Can anyone else move in? Do you have a brother or male cousin who could live with you for a bit?

Op your replies to him, I get you’re trying to be ‘don’t careish’ to him but it’s not working. I’ve no answers for you, I’m normally all about finding out if you ever get on, do you go places together, play board games, have movie nights etc etc but this is another level . Hopefully something on this thread helps and hopefully someone can help you. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, hopefully there’s a little boy in there who’s just taken a very wrong turn and can get back on track.

I think I'd be taking his phone off him. Both as punishment for the behaviour toward you and to get parental controls put on it. It's not right that kids are able to view that stuff.
I think you need to get professional help (counselling/therapy) for him as he needs to unlearn this toxic stuff ASAP - it is not acceptable or sustainable, it is urgent that he speaks to someone about how he feels and how to manage that - he has learned some terrible stuff whether from his dad or online or both. But also some counselling or help for yourself as you've been through a lot.

You could try your GP or people here might know if there's a helpline or such to start with. Edit: the Womens Aid suggestion above sounds good.

Get tough op, why are you meekly accepting this? This is not a happy boy incidentally but he doesn’t get to take his feelings out on the nearest woman.

Why are you tolerating this behaviour,? Don't get you, get mad.

ADHD and possible Autism are not excuses for this behaviour. This is completely unacceptable. He is choosing to be horrible to you. And you are (for some unknown reason) thanking him?! You need to put some boundaries in ASAP OP

Take away bis access to the internet. Yes it'll be hell but he's being influenced somewhere

Plus stop thanking him for his feelings. You NEED to get cross with him.

My now 18 yr old ASD kid started saying things that were anti women to me briefly. I cornered him, got in his face and came down on him like a ton of bricks. He knocked it off sharpish because he knew he would lose all those lovely privileges he gets if he pushed me too far. This is why I didn't allow any SM until last year and it was fast how it influenced him.

Could he go and live with his dad?

Of course you bloody wouldn't. Why do people come out with such shit?

Wtaf- you suggest the way to discipline a child who is being abusive is to abuse them verbally and threaten them?

Really?