Teenager tells me he hates me on a daily basis

[Doolallyally]

DS (13) has ADHD and suspected autism and on a daily basis tells me how much he hates me. Not in arguments but just matter of fact. Then if I show I’m upset or annoyed he will say aww, are you going to cry Mammy? Aww is little Mammy upset? Etc.

Example - In the morning the first thing he says is I despise you Mammy. I generally say - thank you for telling me that, that’s good to know etc. Or he will say - you know who hates you? And will sing songs about how much he hates me.

He doesn’t do this to his Dad and for context I am separated from his Dad due to emotional abuse.

I think I’m a good Mum, I take him to nice places, help him with homework, cook him nice food and bring him treats like a nice hot chocolate etc. He also says I’m mean but can’t back it up when I ask him for examples. I’ve tried docking his pocket money, talking to him, ignoring him etc.

Any advice on how to deal with this? I don’t believe he actually hates me but I don’t think it is normal for him to be speaking to his Mother like that. Thank you ☺️

She is but it was such an awful time . I remember just years and years of his screaming he is 2 years younger than me and it was so hard. I never felt jealous I just remember feeling sad for my mum and my dad was working all hours so it made me really sad for her. There just wasn’t much support then for SEN and even the GP once told her ‘give him a good wallop!’ And she walked out of the appointment (early 80s gps weren’t very sympathetic!) .

Therapy will maybe have some impact if the dad is not in the picture at all. If the teenager wants to engage too. Therapist must be very experienced in ND presentation and co morbids. I tried very hard for this. I was blocked by ex.

Do you have a teenage boy with PDA possibly crossing over into other territory btw?.

You might understand why some replies sound left field, cruel, incompetent, a bit pie head, if you do.

It's often them or the mother.

I deal with concequences of the no less abusive methods suggested here. Abuse fought with abuse doesn't cancel out the abuse, it just makes everyone an abuser.

Yes you're right.

Saying fuck off you cunt - yes absolutely abusive.

Saying, no more, this is beyond me and you must leave. No

Update - DS came home from school just now and we actually had a lovely chat about his day etc then randomly he said POV - I hate you. So I pulled him up on it. Told him how it was not acceptable to talk to me like that anymore and that it would have consequences. He didn’t say much but he did stop taking that way and moved onto talk about something else.

Well done for being strong 💪🏼 stick with it. Wishing you luck x

If she can't/doesn't want to parent any more fine then mum needs to make a call to social service. Sending your child to live with someone you know to be abusive then that is also abusive

@Doolallyally Well done, that’s all you needed to say.

I may be wrong but if he has ASD, could it be echolalia? DD repeats certain phrases sometimes for no reason. Just because he said it in the middle of a perfectly nice conversation, when it didn’t seem to be coming from a place of anger.

Has you ever questioned why? Not to validate but to understand. Probably your kid needs a psychologist to understand this rage.

I love how people say "just see a psychologist". Unless you have health insurance, that costs thousands, or else it's years waiting and the tender mercies of CAAMHS.

Don't know if this would help but when my teen said "i hate you" I calmy said "That's Great news! It mean I'm doing my job right as a parent!! Thanks for the encouragement"... he never said anything like it again. Meanwhile, I think it's a terrible thing for you to hear OP ... and good on you for putting in consequences.

Yes, we just say "That's a shame. We love you."

Ok so every morning you tell me you hate me. Do you actually hate me? Think about what you are saying. I do not deserve to live with someone who hates me. I do not want to live with someone who hates me. You also should not live with someone you hate. It's not healthy for either of us. WiFi remains off today while you think about that. Because this is a serious issue.

If he pushes you and says that you have to live with him and look after him because that's your job, tell him that's not true. He can go to his Dads (if that's the case) or you can look into other alternatives.

Oh that's good to hear! Ignore my previous post, hadn't read this update.

And if he doesn't want to go, you can't force him. Been there!