Teenager tells me he hates me on a daily basis

[Doolallyally]

DS (13) has ADHD and suspected autism and on a daily basis tells me how much he hates me. Not in arguments but just matter of fact. Then if I show I’m upset or annoyed he will say aww, are you going to cry Mammy? Aww is little Mammy upset? Etc.

Example - In the morning the first thing he says is I despise you Mammy. I generally say - thank you for telling me that, that’s good to know etc. Or he will say - you know who hates you? And will sing songs about how much he hates me.

He doesn’t do this to his Dad and for context I am separated from his Dad due to emotional abuse.

I think I’m a good Mum, I take him to nice places, help him with homework, cook him nice food and bring him treats like a nice hot chocolate etc. He also says I’m mean but can’t back it up when I ask him for examples. I’ve tried docking his pocket money, talking to him, ignoring him etc.

Any advice on how to deal with this? I don’t believe he actually hates me but I don’t think it is normal for him to be speaking to his Mother like that. Thank you ☺️

I wouldn’t go ballistic. That will feed into the loathing and will shut communication down more. I would say ‘it really hurts me when you say things like that. I will always love you but I won’t listen to you say deliberately hurtful things to me.’ And if you are anywhere near this group, see if you can get him to go to one. Or ask at school-is there a good head of year he could meet every couple of weeks to talk to. https://journeymanuk.org/. He needs to have good behaviour modelled to him.

I'm sorry, OP, but I can't think of a sensitive way to put this - this sounds very much like a parenting problem, not a teenage problem.

You're clearly going with the gentle parenting approach but it's equally clear that it's not working. Gentle parenting doesn't mean letting yourself be walked over and insulted in your own home. Why on earth are you thanking him for insulting you???

I'd go back to basics. He has to help out at home (set chores). He has to be respectful. If he acts out, there are consequences - no screen time, or no pocket money, or having to write an apology letter or something.

It's cruel to let him get away with his terrible behaviour. Who will want to be his friend? Who will want to date him later on? Who will want to employ him? You're setting him up for failure by allowing him to think this is in any way acceptable and that consequences are things that only happen to other people.

Read parenting books, ask friends for advice, take a parenting class, pay for a child therapist if you've got the spare cash, whatever works. You really need to turn this around. Good luck.

If he has ADHD I strongly suspect this is done for shock value.
Ignore, completely ignore, walk out of the room, comment on the weather, get your own breakfast etc.
I think it does need addressing but maybe later and in a more general and instructional way "what would happen if you said that to a friend?"

I’d be making it clear to him that if he chooses to disrespect you then he has privileges taken away. WiFi/phone/games console/whatever. He can have them back when he can act mature enough to deserve them.

When he says he despises you tell him you don’t like him much either. Why shouldn’t he face the consequences of his words?

Children who live with abusers are often encouraged by the abuser to join in with the abuse of their mother. It doesn’t end when the abuser leaves. Lundy Bancroft has a whole chapter in his book about this dynamic. It’s not as simple as having consequences when a teenager has the backing of the other parent.

Women's aid can help you with this, Are you afraid he will go and live with his dad op?

I do think that if you tip toe round his abusive language he will be in for an absolute shock in real life. You’re bringing him up to think this is acceptable behaviour and other people will just accept it, when in reality he will lose jobs, relationships, burn friendships, all sorts. He will end up finding it difficult to fit into society.

You may as well go ballistic, anyone else would, and at least you are his mother; you won’t punch him, like another man might, and ultimately you’ll forgive him, which a girlfriend or a manager will not.

Sounds like he needs a smack in the mouth. Honestly the stuff some parents will put up with

With ASD the idea of punishment or sanctions doesn't really work, as you have discovered, they just get distressed, but don't have the social skills to realise what is really wrong. It is very difficult.

Only thing I can suggest is giving him a taste of his own hurtful medicine. Tell him that when he says these things it makes you dispise and hate him. And that when he talks pleasantly you love him to bits. Give him a way out.

Maybe explain that it was behaviour similar to this that lead to your husband leaving, and unless he stops he might also have to leave. But only do this if you think he understands its hypothetical not a real possibilty.

ASD sometimes includes a lack empathy and this is not helped by the misogyny he will have witnessed in various places. I think empathy for older women, eg mothers, is sadly lacking among many young men at the moment.

This is what I would do. Make it very clear what will happen if this carries on. And act on it.

Tell him if he talks to you like that again the wifi is going off and there are no more treats and doing nice things for him. Stick to it, don't let anyone treat you like this, it's abuse and will only get worse if you take it.

Absolutely this. If he talks to you disrespectfully in the morning take the router to work.

You need to parents as PP said.

Consequences and rewards. And follow through on both.

@Haggisfish3 I agree that going ballistic could backfire. Personally, I’ve found that keeping it very simple works best.

”We don’t speak to anyone like that, it’s not acceptable.” Rinse and repeat.

Same with swearing or any derogatory comments, it’s shut down immediately.
If they then want to discuss why it’s not acceptable, explain why.

This is the only sane response on here.

If he’s old enough to say such hateful shit he can reap what he sows. See how quickly reality kicks in when you drop the rope and mirror the coldness back. Little shit. Autism or not, I would not be putting up with that abuse.

Sorry you have to put up with this from your own child OP. It sounds awful, does he ever say he loves you? Hugs you?
have you ever said it back to him? Would that shock him into thinking about how his words make people feel. It seems like you’ve been way too soft on him over this.

it’s not a “that’s good” or “thanks for letting me know” comment
its a case of him being cruel and disrespectful towards you and you shouldn’t tolerate that. By accepting this stuff, and the teasing when you get upset, he’s never going to learn it’s wrong

Agree.

@Doolallyally
You need to stop tiptoeing around this.

You need to lose your shit and walk out of whatever room you're in, and slam the door hard.

Do not put up with this abuse.

You also need to take his phone and all access to the internet, with one month of confiscation added for each incident of abuse.

I would say to him:

Well I don’t like you much either when you say things like that to me.
And let him think about it.

“You’re entitled to feel however you want to feel, but you’re not entitled to speak to me like that. The punishment for this will be you lose your phone for the day. Hopefully tomorrow you can show me you can talk to me appropriately and earn it back”. Rinse and repeat until the teenager gets the message. I’d also ask the school if they know of any domestic abuse charities that offer support for children who have been exposed to domestic abuse, to assist them with learning about healthy relationships.

Have you tried removing his phone or gaming console for a day whenever he says it?

Some of the responses on here are so soft and twee ! I would absolutely go ballastic and lose my shit if my child spoke to me like this. He's saying horrible things every every day because you are not standing up to him, don't take this abuse from anyone.

Honestly, losing your shit is EXACTLY the response that will feed this. Please don't do that.

He verbally abused you and you thank him?!

Your advice was to ignore it and comment on the weather. What do you think that will achieve when actually what this kid needs is a short sharp shock - he’s looking for a boundary and that wishy washy approach isn’t cutting it

It sounds as if he is speaking for his dad now that his dad can’t abuse you in person.
Could you afford family therapy for the two of you? DS being abused too.