Teenager tells me he hates me on a daily basis

[Doolallyally]

DS (13) has ADHD and suspected autism and on a daily basis tells me how much he hates me. Not in arguments but just matter of fact. Then if I show I’m upset or annoyed he will say aww, are you going to cry Mammy? Aww is little Mammy upset? Etc.

Example - In the morning the first thing he says is I despise you Mammy. I generally say - thank you for telling me that, that’s good to know etc. Or he will say - you know who hates you? And will sing songs about how much he hates me.

He doesn’t do this to his Dad and for context I am separated from his Dad due to emotional abuse.

I think I’m a good Mum, I take him to nice places, help him with homework, cook him nice food and bring him treats like a nice hot chocolate etc. He also says I’m mean but can’t back it up when I ask him for examples. I’ve tried docking his pocket money, talking to him, ignoring him etc.

Any advice on how to deal with this? I don’t believe he actually hates me but I don’t think it is normal for him to be speaking to his Mother like that. Thank you ☺️

Are you afraid to come down hard because of the ADHD / Autism? Time not to be and make it clear to him that you're not going to stand for the disrespect anymore. Things need to change round your house.

I'd start with the loss of the wifi password, pocket money and whatever little nice things he currently has. He's only going to get older and more entrenched in his views, this need to be nipped in the bud immediately.

For the love of everything don't tell your son to fuck off or call him a cunt. FFs the replies, he's a 13 year old child trying out his power. Jesus!

My DS is not quite as cruel, but very near. I have also separated from his father. I think there is something of a loyalty issue with boys, something of a learned behaviour, but the way your DS does it suggests he wants to hurt you. So I would say the best way is to not react at all. He might stop if he does not get the reaction that he is looking for. I know is easier said than done. Take care of yourself.

This sounds awful for you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this dailym

I agree with others, in that I would let him know what he's doing is hurtful and unacceptable, and I'd cut off all niceties. You wouldn't reward anyone else for treating you badly.

How do you know what I'd do, oh great Oracle?

Also 'why do people come out with such shit?' - I'm not sure why you're so angry about what I said but there are a lot of people who agree with me. However, if you are happy to allow a child to be vile to you and treat you like a piece of shit, then you knock yourself out.

There's a book that I saw recommended on here called 'Who's in Charge'? by a straight talking psychologist called Eddie Gallagher. I found it useful and think you might too.

I dont think I've laughed so much in ages ! Wonderful !

Here are some of my favourites "I'd fight fire with fire" - of course you would. After getting rid of an absuvie partner what you'd do is shout and scream because that's going to make things better, isn't it.

The best one 'cant he go and live his Dad" - you want to send a child to live someone who has been abusive and probably violent ( you.ladies do love your violent men) because he acts out what he's seen ?

Don't forget find someone bigger than him to "sort him out" ! Because the answer to voilence is more violence.

You've made a behavioural specialists day !

I agree with pp who are saying you should cut off access to the internet. There's no way you need to thank him for being so awful to you.

I am going to caveat - I know ND people are not all like this.......

Mine is a bit like this too. Autistic/PDA. And I believe strongly there's a group where there's a crossover into somewhat sociopathic like tendencies. I'm quite certain of it.

Your son sounds like a little fuck. I don't care he's your son. He is acting vile. I'm not primary carer due to ill health. I am now at point of saying here's a taxi, go because after two days of this shit I'm on my knees. I am done with it. I am a loving mother and not some wet doormat either ffs. There are many like us behind the scenes with these situation and people think oh if you just give them rules. It's so much more complex than this.

If he wasn't your son, would you take this from anyone? I don't know the answer. But I see a mum here who absolutely must pull back. Who must stop showing and giving so much love. I don't know why the mums get this I.am hearing stuff too going down the Andrew Tate road and I am very feminist like ( try to be) so find this intolerable.

I have absolutely no clue here how you deal with it. If anyone thinks parenting or better rules change this, they don't. The priority is to pull back everything you give then beyond the basics. And that's quite miserable I know. It's like managing a boring pet it feels like where there is nothing coming back.

Your post reads as someone enabling it. And I know so much why. I do it. I also question my own ears sometimes and what I just heard. Mine is now doing ' you're just over reacting ' regularly. It's like living in an insane asylum sometimes.

Do you get breaks where you don't have to care for them?

I have an ex that tells mine I have a mental health disorder so that's a joy. It only emboldens the teenager.

Omg I laughed so much reading this. This is actually what goes through my mind. I have to go in my room,punch the pillow and say this to myself 😆🙏

Do you want him speaking to a future girlfriend like this? Because he’s learning that you’ll accept it and he thinks it’s okay. Thanking him for disgusting verbal abuse is absolutely horrifying. It’s not showing him you don’t care it’s showing him he can behave like a complete shit and there are no consequences.

Take his phone off him. Now. Whatever he’s ingesting online is toxic.

Is he in school OP?

I called the school today myself and asked for them to help support me with ' re education '. It's a big problem this toxic bullshit.

You need to make his world small, tiny even, until he learns to speak respectfully. And I say this as the mother of a child with very challenging behaviours.

• Take the phone. Not in an angry moment, but when you are calm and controlled and when he's not on it. Buy him a brick phone in advance he can use when you need him to.
• create a contract around screen use. List the websites he can access and decide how you're going to supervise (because you need to. Will you be in the room? Check his search history? When and how will he have internet access?)
• set up a points system. He earns points by speaking respectfully, even when he's frustrated/annoyed/cross. A certain number of points for a certain length of time speaking respectfully eg. Quarter/half day. He can't control how he feels, he can control how he speaks to you.
• Points can are now the currency he uses to pay for what he wants. They can be cashed in for privileges from you, such as a lift places or mates over or money etc, but he buys these things with points (which are a sign of his respect towards you and his willingness to take responsibility for himself), not through manipulation or guilt etc.

" I know you do so i think it's best if you go snd live with dad. Go and pack a bag and I'll drive you over"

So you think the solution is to send a child to live with a man who's certainly abusive and possibly voient ?

Really ?

My son was/is like this. It's really upsetting as my other children are respectful. He also gets very remorseful about it but it's like he can't control himself in the moment. For him it wasn't just a case of punishment though. If anything, that made it worse.

And in true dear lord none of you should have kids MN fashion the absolutely psychotic replies rolled in.

Kid needs therapy, he witnessed one of his care givers abuse the other, that will have massively effected his development. He needs therapy, you need therapy and to learn the impacts of domestic abuse on kids and then you need to learn to be together again.

This sort of response would have made my toes curl at one point. Now it doesn't.

This is actual abuse. When it's a teenager, what should we call it.

I can sense this is more than teenage rebellion and the normal approach and boundaries don't work

Thank you all for your replies. I have a lot to think about. Sometimes it feels like he is repeating certain phrases, like he gets stuck in a loop. He tends to repeat certain questions over and over even though he knows the answer. I do agree that this behaviour is not acceptable. I have tried ignoring or in my original post to sarcastically say thanks for that etc, I will be telling him how it’s not okay for him to talk to me like that and he needs to talk with respect. He can actually be affectionate and vulnerable when his Dad isn’t around. We do stuff together, watch films, read together and discuss his special interest at length. He seems stuck in a terrible habit of saying these things over and over, I don’t believe he actually hates me but he can repeat certain phrases that he’s heard his Dad say over the years like “horrible woman” “vile woman” or “no-wonder you have no friends” Not nice to hear your son parrot back the awful stuff his Dad says. I’ve found a charity (DA) who works with teens who have witnessed DA and might be at risk of copying behaviours. I will contact them soon. It’s a complex issue as I’m pretty sure he’s showing signs of PDA too.

My brother was like this. He had ADHD and ASD. He would tell DM how much he hated her / the food she cooked / how she looked / basically everything she did . He would destroy the house and out things. My childhood was horrific for a few years.

DM was firm and consistent if he said he hated her she didn’t thank him for expressing his feelings she would calmly ask him ‘why?’ He never had an explanation and she would then firmly tell him that saying that was unkind and unecessary. She would tell all of us a lot how we had to think before speaking and if what we were about to say was kind and needed to be said.

When he destroyed his clothes and said he hated the new ones she replaced them with she stopped doing that and I remember at one point he just had school uniform and pyjamas. In the end he asked for some new clothes. He would smash toys up then say he hated her for not getting new and she would just calmly go to his level and say ‘who broke them? You are responsible for the fact you no longer have those toys - if you want them back behave nicely and put them on your Xmas list’
He would have huge meltdowns and she would would just get his shoes and they’d go out sometimes for 2 hours where she would hold his hand and walk out the frustration in silence. He would sometimes sob and cry for no reason and she would hug him for ages. She was very consistent and he was awful between the ages of about 3-11 then calmed down but still had flashpoints.

I think if you want some proper advice that comes from years of my experience looking after mainly boys age 4 plus, then the real issue is the DA.

Things like that can really affect kids in ways that none of us can really appreciate. I will add to finish that your son can be angry and insulting to you because you are there. Whatever he does to you, you won't leave him and you'll always love him unlike his Dad. Thats very important.

There is nobody else he trusts more than you, even though he doesn't say so or act like it.

Your mum sounds awesome @HowtoDothisagain !

I haven't read all the replies, sorry if this has been mentioned, but you would absolutely benefit from going on a NVR course (non violent resistance).

Tell your mum shes amazing, from me😁

One day he’s going to say this to another woman - his girlfriend or his poor wife. Stub it out now, while you can. Not standing up to him is teaching him that he can treat someone like this and get away with it. Tough love needs to come into play here. Get angry, get counselling for both of you and put him on the right path before it’s too late.