Falling in love with ex addict, but I want children.

[TiptoesLightly]

I met a man recently, through some of the strangest synchronicity I've ever experienced (its a long story that I can write in a comment on request).
Both of us experienced an overwhelming sense of being drawn together, felt that we recognised each other immediately, and had the same thought 'that's the most incredible person I've ever seen'. We share the same birthday, 11 years apart.
A few days after meeting, we returned to our home countries (on opposite sides of the planet).
But we just continued to talk. We never stopped.

He is incredibly intelligent, funny, creative (he is an amazing visual artist and poet), he is conscientious, generous, and affectionate. He is one of the sweetest people I've met. We talk for hours...HOURS!
Its all been long distance, so it's either been hours of voice messages or 2-4 hour video calls.
He visited a few months back for a week and I've never felt so relaxed and 'myself' around someone.

HOWEVER:
On our 2nd date (fast perhaps, but we were both traveling with limited time together), he opened up about his past... which involves a negligent childhood which led to almost a decade of active alcohol and drug addiction.
I know he was a very heavy alcoholic. And used almost every chemical substance he could: Heroin (IV), speed, cocaine, various pain killers, etc
...(never meth).
He was clean for 7.5 years by the time we met.
Attends AA and NA meetings regularly. Follows the prescribed accountability steps (has a sponsor, does inventory, journals, exercises, total abstinence from any mind-altering substance) etc.
He also holds down a good job currently and has a good home situation.

For me hard drugs was always a deal breaker, especially as I want children in the future.
For me the father of my children is the most weighted decision I'll ever make... I want them to have a safe, warm, fun childhood.
He expressed be would like to have children one day, but hinted at feeling afraid that he is unable to be a good father due to his past.
He also showed a level of annoyance towards children that indicates he may be too self-centered (especially with the demands of recovery) to show up for a family.

But I'm struggling, as I've never met anyone like this.
The way we fit together, mentally and physically (the intimacy is phenomenal), is uncanny.
I feel a rich and deep love for this man. But I have so many doubts!!

P.s I should mention a few other orange flags: he never learned to drive.
He also has a fascination with madness, edgy dark art, occult religions and philosophy.

I so appreciate your thoughts!

I think the distance alone is a reason not to pursue this, sorry OP.

@bluejelly
Oops, I should mention: he has since moved to a country much closer (a 4-hour flight away with visa-free travel).
His goal in a few years (and this was his goal before we met as well), is to live in my country.

I wouldn’t pursue this relationship either OP.

I think it’s really wise that you’re thinking of the future and how this may look, it’s so easy to just jump into things when you’re in love with someone.

You have your doubts and they are there for a reason, don’t ignore them.

If you move on you will always wonder what might have been. But if you have children with him and the stresses and strains send him back to his addictions you’ve got one hell of a life in store. Painful as it might be I’d recommend moving on.

Absolutely don't do this op

Run

If you don't, you'll be back on here in four years time talking about how awful your life is.

Nope. Not with this one. His history, sure, but also his age vs your age in four years time when you can think about the possibility of living together. And a lot can happen in those years. And if you think he can be self-centred now, just imagine what he will be like when he is older because he won’t be getting any softer and calmer.

Sometimes, ships do pass each other and they can carry regrets with them. Wave this one off and look for someone who does actually fit into your life.

These answers are really thought provoking so far! Thank you so much.
To clarify the distance/timing thing a little more:
I could easily move over to be with him in this neighboring country, until he's set up citizenship-wise to move here together.

I can legally live/work where he is and don't currently have any massive commitments in my life where I live.

So it does not have to be years until we could be together in entirety.

I’m sorry, but I think it’s good that you’re acknowledging all of this in your very articulate post
Its not a risk I’d advise anyone to take, so please do not invest any more of your time or your heart in this man
i lived with a violent alcoholic … it took me 21/2 years to leave

You’ve posted about him before but with more red flags and the advice was to run away from this ‘relationship’ and not contact him again.

@Dontwanttobeanebsnamum Ah, I think you're thinking of another post.
I'm a new user to the forum... although I've read a number of similar posts from others on here (while trying to get some perspective 😅).

I don't want to dismiss your experience, I had a huge crush on my partner before I properly met him and felt very drawn to him before we had ever spoken.

Is he 11 years older or younger than you?

If he is younger and he's told you his plan was always to move to your country, I'd be worried he was swindling you 😭

I'm very interested in hearing from lived experience. I have some questions if they're not too personal:

1. Was your partner in active alcoholism during your relationship?

If he had periods of sobriety, how was the fear of release.

1. I don't believe the man that I've met would be violent. He is an incredibly soft man.

Did your partner always have warning signs of violence or did he appear passive/respectful at first?

1. Would you class the dynamic as co-dependent... this is another fear of mine, as I hear it's a common pattern for addicts...

Thanks in advance :)

He is 11 years older.
I am in my mid-twenties and he is in his mid-thirties.

He traveled to my country years ago and I know from a friend of his that he always intended to return here.

He will relapse. All alcoholics relapse. Maybe not now, maybe not next month. But he will at some point. Do you want to deal with that? Possibly when you have built a live? Other people involved like your family or children if you have any? When he's old and you were looking forward to retirement but he's started drinking every day?

I just wouldn't.

He also showed a level of annoyance towards children that indicates he may be too self-centered (especially with the demands of recovery) to show up for a family.

I'd say this was the clincher. I'd say that's pretty unusual unfortunately 😕

It sounds like you would be in a position of choosing this relationship or having a family.

There's nothing wrong with either choice, but I'd worry that you'd end up having kids with him anyway if you stayed.

Obviously your own kids are different but I'd worry about his attitude towards DC in general coupled with his past would mean he would struggle a lot.

We know you're not going to listen to anyone on here op but from someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent then I please beg you do not inflict this on any child.
No parent is better than a alcoholic one. I hated my parent growing up because of all the unhappiness they caused in our home.
I was embarrassed of them and jealous of my friends who had normal parents and a happy home.
please don't do it, run for the hills.

Thank you for the reply. With all due respect, I am on here to take this advice seriously.

As it stands, I have told this man that I won't pursue a romantic relationship with him until I have sat with this information and considered what it means for me.
We still speak, but I've asked it be platonic for now. He knows I care for him.

I think there's massive value in hearing from people like you, who've lived a life where things like alcoholism are directly involved.
I was blessed to never encounter addiction as a child, so I have no reference for what that experience would be like.
As such, I have very little idea what the exact risk is that I would be taking for my future children.

Was your parent actively drinking during your childhood?
Did they try to get sober or attend programmes... and if so, how often were relapses?
(no pressure to answer, I understand that these questions are personal).
I also have no perspective on how solid recovery is after almost 8 years. I assume it would be fairly steady by this time and that he would have a lot of tools to deal with temptation... but then I don't know what the mind of an addict is like.. .

I feel a little differently, and think that someone 7.5 years clean is likely safe. But I say that as someone who has siblings who are long term sober, and hate the idea that you get written off for having had problems in your past. Having said that, I would worry about the excessively romantic view you have of your relationship, but I am very down to earth in my approach to relationships and don't believe in soulmates etcs

This is not true. Not all alcoholics relapse.

It's all too fast, too long distance, so romantic, too unreal, an age gap that's teetering on too big.

And now you've come down to earth with a bump - alcoholic past, snappy with kids. I would respectfully suggest what you are feeling is intense physical attraction and fascination for this man, nudged along by the distance between you.

Don't go moving countries just yet, step back. You're in your mid twenties - still have plenty of time to travel, build a career, find someone who is clearer about wanting to be a parent.

Could he move to your country independently? The fact he has always wanted to move there makes me wonder if part of your attraction is a potential visa.

He has a pretty good period of abstinence under his belt but relapses can often be caused by particularly stressful experiences and having a child can be just that. Have you asked him when he first got sober, how many relapses he has had since then, how he navigated relapses etc.

I’ll be honest with you OP,

I’m in recovery for drug addiction but 9 years without using. I’m currently struggling with alcohol but as I’m still accessing help for drug addiction it was picked up quickly when I started to drink too much. I was honest and am not physically addicted but I’m starting medication to manage cravings and in intensive therapy.

I have worked hard to stay clean but could honestly get addicted to anything. I’ve struggled with food, exercise, shopping, sex and more - and that’s on top of drink and drugs.

Like most addicts I have low self esteem, thought I was worth nothing and used drugs and alcohol after significant trauma. My key worker once said what I’ve been through would drive anyone to drugs or drink.

I was also in the same position as you by falling for hard for someone in another country and starting an intensive relationship. We talked about moving heaven and earth to be together and had such a good spark but when it started to be a reality for me I didn’t want it any more. I was addicted to the idea of falling for someone, I loved the romance and the dopamine hit from the chase and the idea of a happy ending but that was it.

I’ve been in a long term relationship for over 10 years but it wasn’t the big dramatic love story to start with, it was a slow steady friendship where I learned to trust and was 100% open about my past. My partner knows my struggles and that I can never be cured because addiction is an illness that doesn’t go away and we take it one day at a time. I wasn’t a nice person on drugs, I lied, was highly manipulative and it took a lot of work to get to where I am today, I never want to go back to that life but I’d be lying if I said I thought I’d been manically cured.

I made the decision to never have kids as basically addiction is hereditary and I honestly didn’t know if I’d cope with the demands and pressures and in absolute honesty I hated the idea of coming second to kids with my partner. I know that sounds terrible but it’s how I feel and I have to claim it. I also don’t have much understanding or patience with kids.

I’m being honest with you and giving you a perspective from the other side, you are taking a huge gamble without the solid foundations to build a healthy relationship and I’m suspicious that you are both envisioning a huge romance in your heads without the building blocks of of trust, loyalty, respect and friendship.

By all means see how it goes but try not to go jumping into things so fast. It likely won’t be the simple happy ending you hope for but something you have to work at and being with an addict has an ugly side at times and you can never trust they won’t relapse after years.

I hope this helps you gain some clarity and hope it works out whichever path you choose ❤️.

@TiptoesLightly
yes in hindsight he was an active alcoholic but was always known as “ a drinker”
i loved the sober him and hated the drunk him
redudancy happened( his) which was a huge blow so the sober part of the man I loved disappeared
Ahh When you say you don’t believe he would be violent because he’s soft and gentle…
My ex would turn from funny sweet drunk to terrifying psychopathic drunk in the flick of a switch … I’m in no way exaggerating He got 18months in Prison
you do sound a nice person but please protect yourself
Do you have a savour complex?
Everyone has baggage but dear god